Thank you so much for pointing me in the right direction CHW and OP. I'm only just getting to grips with how to navigate around the site. I'm taking your advice and starting my own thread. My H first signalled his intention to leave last September, the day before he turned 51. He eventually left in March this year. During that period he was at home four nights a week and away at his new rented place for three. This was meant to give him the space he said he desperately needed and allow us to work through things. I have always assumed there was OW but he has consistently denied this. This never happened. It was the most difficult six months ever. Everything I did he criticised, he was unhappy and grumpy. He was simply unkind towards me. But all the time I remained patient and tried to understand what he was going through. It wasn't until the March and after he had left that I found out about DBing and it has become my lifeline. So, where are we now? I've managed to do things that I never thought possible. Went around to see his new place, had dinner there with the kids. I'm focusing on building a friendship. Everything I do in front of him I implement all the fantastic advice from the Veterans from this site - then in my own private space I grieve.Went out for dinner with the him and kids at the weekend (had said no to previous two invites) and managed to keep it all cool. No OR talk, spoke softly, listened carefully. Said goodnight as I would to a friend - no quick kiss, no lingering or asking when we were going to see him again. Then none of us have heard anything from him for the past three days. I am GALing as well as any of us can expect to and really concentrating on my kids (S21 S16 S14). My days can be fairly eaten up by thinking about whats going on. I work, which is a blessing as it gives me structure. But often my mind is elsewhere. I've printed off so many pages - especially the Veterens Nuggets and Success Stories and keep re-reading them and the DB book. Patience has become my mantra. I have to be brave enough to understand and believe that hope is a positive thing and not be frightened of it. Does that make sense? Thank you for caring enough to answer my previous stich. Twiglet
It can be all consuming at first. If you have any activities that you like that are physical (even just walking), they can help clear your mind and allow you to keep your focus when you need it (mostly).
Hope is a positive thing. If you truly have no hope for your life (not specifically your M) you may as well stop breathing. I will tell you that early on all my hope was for my M and that over time that has transformed. That doesn't mean I don't have hope for my M, it just means my focus has changed.
GAL takes time and practice. There were times I didn't really want to get out and do things, yet I went anyway. Funny, some of those were the best times.
Thank you so much G. It often takes someone to kindly spell it out for it to make sense. I will certainly take up walking again (which I did in the beginning) I know I've become more inactive recently and that's having a really negative effect.
Was going to cancel meeting up with friends tonight, but will go now. Like you say, to GAL is only going to work with time and practice.
Thanks for encouraging me to hang in there. It means a lot.
Enjoy your friends and the walking. I miss the latter alot (I managed to hurt myself, bright huh?).
Before you know it, you will have a life. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." I have to admit, my first step felt like one off a cliff . If I can do it, so can you.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
As far as what stage he is in. If the OW is still present he is in Replay.
But lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
I've been through some emotional storms where this site was the only place of refuge for me. Take advantage of the good advice and wisdom here. Even when you are in the dumps and you are ragged on a bit, it's all done with your well being in mind.
I have been working through the reading material that OP suggested for me. It has been so enlightening. HB's thread has given me such insight into my situation. I now realise that the signs were there years before the 'bomb' was dropped. Maybe even as long as five years. Can I just give you a brief overview of my last four days? H rang me from the farm on Wed night (had not heard from him since Sunday, did not tell me he was going away) he said the phone had been out but wanted to see if everything was okay. Rang me Thursday night and said he was back and did I want us to go out for a family dinner. Said that I was doing something but would phone him back. I didn't call but sent him a text message saying we were all busy (which we were, I was out with girlfriends, kids out with friends). He texted back and asked about Friday night. I left it til next day and then said okay. We did dinner and movie together. Saturday he rang and suggested he help me clear out the garage so that we could create a studio space for our 16 yo son for his art projects. We did this. This morning (Sunday) he arrived first thing to take 14 yo son to sport and I took 16 yo S. He then organised via 16 yo S for us to have dinner this evening. I'm cognisant of the fact that I could easily have thwarted this plan. So, he has now gone back up to the farm and as it is school holidays here I am taking off with the boys (all three of them) for a week down south. I so need to distance. I know that. HB's words about 'fence sitting' and 'cake eating' are ringing in my ears. I am trying to work out where I/he is in the stages of MLC. I am also acutely aware that I am entering a phase that I need to navigate/negotiate with care, compassion and understanding. But I really need to look after me. I don't actually want to go back to what our marriage was (even though that is probably a distant possibility). I am learning so much about myself on this journey. I am inspired by everything I read on this site and am learning so much from everybody elses stories. I am using the Michele filter at all times 'is this going to bring me nearer or further away from my ultimate goal?'. In all honesty, after the last few days, I am drained. I have to let go. I want to let go. I feel a bit of a failure for talking the talk, but not walking the walk. There was one of the threads that OP suggested I look at that talked about letting the leash of a dog that became lost go, so that he could find his way back. Its what I need to do. I cannot thank each of you for supporting me and taking the time to reply to my thread. You are truly amazing and wonderful people. And OP, your recommended reading list should be core texts for everybody dealing with an MLC spouse. Thank you from the bottom of my heart x
I struggle daily (probably hourly) with the same filter - is this going to bring me nearer or further away from my ultimate goal? But over the last week, for me at least - a new (actually old) filter has return - at the end of the day, will I be able to look at myself in the mirror and say that I treated this person that I love with kindness and respect so that I won't have to carry around any additional regrets? I completely feel your pain!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
. If I can do it, so can you.