Hi all. It's been a while. I really need to get on the boards more often.
So, it's been 3 1/2 years since the bomb. And about 2 years of piecing. And I like it. The more time that passes, the more I feel like the whole MLC thing is a thing of the past.
Many of you are new and don't know my story. It's too long and convoluted for me to recap in one post, but I'll try to summarize.
Feb '06, H dropped the bomb. We were 32. Our kids were 18 months and 3. He gave me the usual speech -- we had different long term goals, he loved me but wasn't in love with me, blah, blah. Turns out, of course, that he had an OW.
From March of '06 till around September of '07, my H came and went so much he gave me whiplash. He would come back and say he loved me and that we simply needed to fix our marriage and that OW represented the things that were missing in our M. Then a few days or weeks home with us and some enticing texts from OW and he would start sneaking around again. I would usually figure it out right away and kick him out. He had a lease on an apartment, so he had somewhere to go without having to go to OWs.
Anyway, he would leave and admit that he didn't know what was going on in his head or why he was doing it. Then a day or two with OW, and back he came, usually with a new learning about himself and some realizations about our M.
This went on a lot. Each time, I got stronger and started just living my life with my kids. I became less dependent on the notion of our marriage being fixed and more dependent on finding happiness in myself and my kids.
Each time he came home, i would have conditions in place and he had to meet them in order for me to consider letting him back in (i.e. see a therapist, go to MC with me, get a new cell phone number, etc...). Even with those conditions, he still would fall back.
Anyway, long story short, all that back and forth was his process for working through his mess. He finally came out of the cloud and committed himself to me and the kids.
We've been piecing consistently now for about 2 years. Our M is better than ever (although not perfect). Do I still worry? Of course. But rather than focusing on that worry, I focus on keeping the positive changes going.
So that's my story, in a nutshell. Next month, we celebrate our 10th anniversary. We are thinking about having an anniversary party to celebrate making it to 10 -- something I really didn't think was going to happen.
Anyway, I'm going to pop in on the boards more often. Sorry I've been gone so long!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
As some of the old-timers will attest to, my sitch was one of the worst on here. My H's behavior was so erratic and immature, I began to question whether or not he had a soul. Sounds awful, but it's what I thought.
I really think in many of these cases, it takes going through the mess - and hitting bottom, as they often say - to come back to reality. When an affair is involved, it gets SO sticky and out of control. What our spouses are going through is not black and white. They are more messed up and confused than we are. But they may hide it better and mask it from themselves by being caught up in "fun". BUt when the fun fades and they look back to see what they've left behind, that tends to be a real eye-opener.
Looking back, the keys for me were: - Get my own life -- find ways to be happy without H - Set boundaries for when he did come home - Envision my life without H so that I could be less reliant on him coming home - Being a safe place for H to come when he was messed up and didn't know where to turn.
I am glad I went through this because it changed who I am, for the better. No pain, no gain.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
I'm so glad you posted this b/c all too often, when our M's get working again, we don't come here to post anymore, so people think that there are no success stories. I think it's so important that we say something about our stories and what we think helped the most.
As my signature says, I consider my M restored and finally can say "D busted". Not perfectly fine by a long shot, but we are closer than we've been in a decade and I think we're on our way to having what we once had, a really good M.
If you had asked me 3 years ago, or 2, I would not have said we'd be married today. I'd have given us a 10% chance of staying M.
After piecing for nearly 2 years, we attended Retrovaille, Not b/c we thought we were failing at the piecing so much as wanting to be "done" with it, if you know what I mean. Even though no M is ever "done" and we are always works in progress, we needed a boost. And so when we attended Retrovaille, we found that we were able to reconnect more fully without the past looming over so much. It helped us a lot. Gave us the boost to the finish line, so to speak. But getting to the point where you can even consider going to Retrovaille was the real struggle.
But the main thing that turned my situation around in the first place and that would enable us to go to Retrovaille, was my own DBing. Detaching, GAL, etc Letting go helped us get back together and then forgiveness is what enabled us to stay together. Neither of these was easy.
When H actually left us for a JOB ('adventure") up in the wilds of Alaska... (crazy as it sounds, it was what it was, even though it's not how he saw it then). For me may as well have called "Alaska" "Alicia" or OW...b/c that's how it felt....but anyhow, he left.
When he was contemplating it, I did the pleading and arguing and if I say so myself, I had a compelling argument that I think would have won a case in front of the Supreme Court. But to H, it was all for naught. He could not hear me. Or he would not. Doesn't matter. He didn't/couldn't hear so... whatever.
I let him go. To put it bluntly, what choice does the LBSer really have when a spouse wants to go? Hard as it is to admit...we really don't have any choice except how we'll treat their departure.They leave, and then we react. At some point, our lives have to be about our actions, not our reactions. All we control is us. That was it for me. I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and did not want my kids to see a bitter or sad woman all the time. I did not want to be a model for victimhood OR revenge.
So I began to see H's departure as mainly a loss for him, less so for me and the kids. We had each other, after all. (And if he had taken the kids as some WAWs are able to do, I'd have made sure I got half time with my kids. And I'd fill it with good full living). I felt that at some point, whether H was lonely or not, I would not be lonely. I would fill my life with real living, and not waiting. And so I began to GAL. I started making choices I wanted to make without regard to H's career or feelings b/c after all, he was gone. It started small, with things like seeing chick flicks b/c H was not around so who cares if he'd like the movie? Not about him, not at all. No more toilet seat left up either...(hey I said start small...)
I saw some positives from this separation for the first time. I really started to embrace those positives. (H noticed this, although I did not know it at the time). For our anniversary I knew I didn't want to be alone so I chose to take a trip with the kids that I would have preferred to go on with H but alas, since he was not available, we had to go without him. Just before departure he said he wanted to go but it was too late for that. Honestly. So off I went with our children. And we had a blast (We went to Italy, but any wished for trip would have helped me accomplish the same thing; enjoying life as a family even when one member isn't around. We had been in the military and knew lots of families who had fun together even when a member is away....we can all do this and must.)
Unbeknownst to me, h noticed this and ached for our company. While we were learning and seeing so much in a totally new place, I didn't think much of h b/c there were no reminders of him, and it was so stimulating, as new places and new activities are. (Hence the suggestion to go on a trip if it is at all possible). It was very healing for us. I did not do this for attention from H and in fact would have preferred he not know of the trip and resent it. (Which I think he did, but that was not my problem....) I took the trip b/c I had longed to go there for years and had put it off until h was ready...well, no matter now! I was ready and I went with some of my fav people; our children.
I think you get the point. There comes a time when you decide you have to LIVE NOW, and you can't keep waiting and checking on the WAS or taking their temperature, or wondering what it might be. You have to let them go. Sometimes they come back and then you have the real work to do. I think the chances of their return increase when you let go and I feel that strongly.
But paradoxically, you have to really let them go for this to work and you have to NOT care if they come back, in order for this to work.
So it ends up that you let them go so you can be happy without them and then either 1) they do not come back and you'll have GAL and moved along into your future that much faster, OR 2) they will come back b/c you let them go.
This is why I cannot understand the long term pursuit of a WAS by an LBSer. It does not work. I do get why it happens at first; we all do it. We argue and plead and whine and nag and cajole and yell and explain and talk and talk and talk....
Then if we are lucky, we find DB. If we find DB, we may start to think, "what I was doing isn't really working, is it? So maybe I should try something else", and we begin the 180's - that mainly consist of GAL for us. No more excuses, no more waiting or praying for patience but really just waiting, and no more just hoping and NOT changing ourselves or taking charge of our lives b/c no one else will take charge of it! Also saw that I was a fun person, still attractive and still smart and funny, and in sum, I was/am a good catch. I began to picture my life as a single woman in a positive light. Hard at first but I knew widows who were eventually happy, so why not me? Always projected upbeat attitude around H and saw his departure as a mistake on his end but kept it to myself, and accepted it as a mistake he seemed destined to make so I looked at it with resignation but fortitude, knowing I would be fine no matter what his sitch was.
And when I pictured my life without him but made sure to picture it happy, the more detailed the picture, the better I felt. Me happily pursuing my career goals, spending time with my children and my friends and family and meeting new people and having a good life on my own. Doing new activites became a real goal of mine. I became happy again. Tell you the truth, there were down sides to being married that I had to weigh when H wanted us to reconcile. So we have improved those things and continue to work on them.
No more victim stuff, no more "making sure WAS knows how much pain I'm in b/c otherwise their guilt might not make them come back" and being blind to the fact that pity is not attractive, and will never get a WAS to come back and stay. Ever..... It just won't. If it did, it would only take a week for it to work.
And Being attractive/attracting, is a byproduct of GAL and true Detachment....letting go and not wearing our "purple heart" for our wounds, on our sleeves. Not making sure our WAS's know good and well what pain they've inflicted...and how much guilt is on them....why? B/C it does not work! Decide if you want to be "right" or you want to be happy. Too many LBSers, (and I was one of them) do not know how to forgive someone. I never saw it growing up. But those who quote scripture to get their WAS back rarely succeed and as I said, guilt won't get them to stay...even if it temporarily gets them back. Frankly it seems to send most of them running faster and farther away. And in the end, if you want them to come back b/c they're healthy and want to restore the M in a full way, the guilt has to go. Is it "just"? Who knows? Is forgiveness fair? I mean it IS essential to the well being of a marriage but I see a lot of LBSers who hold onto their resentment for a long time and then they wonder why the piecing did not work. At Retrovaille my h suddenly cried about the pain he inflicted on us and the damage to the "Rs he has with our d's and I cried for him. But when I told a gf of mine this small story she asked me if I "reminded him of all the hurt he had caused" and I was agape. She didn't "get it". She thought I should rub salt in his wounds and I can only wonder how many LBSers are like that. Good God, what is the goal? If it's suffering you want the WAS to feel, then sue them for div and take them to the cleaners...but if you want a happy m, then let your pain go. You are the one holding onto it (Peaceful, I'm not directing this at you personally, hope that's clear....)
Anyhow, I thought I'd post this so that people know there are couples who make it. Even through this DB experience. See BrandNewDay for more, or sandi2. Hope this helps.
J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you for posting your success story.....and how you got to where you are now... I know lots of us will never see a restored marriage but it is nice to know that those of you who have, still truly care for those of us still left behind. God bless you....
You're very welcome. Don't know your sitch but will say, based on your signature, that leaning on Him helps a whole lot. Be careful with your faith though. If you turn it over to Him, then you still have work to do on yourself. In other words, "standing" does not mean to "stand still"...as some here do. They'll pray and quote scripture but only to prove their spouse wrong, or blame, or so they can be a martyr and NOT change themselves. Plus, we must acknowledge that free will does exist. So your spouse may not make the choice God wants him to make...
I believe that trusting God matters so much b/c if you do the work God wants you to do on yourself, then no matter what your h does with his free will, God has something good for you around the next corner. You really will be alright, no matter what. I think that's what it means to turn it over to God, and not take it back.
Just do as He would have you do, and trust that you'll be fine. And you will be. Regardless of your h....
I'll check on your sitch this week but also know there are some others who reconciled here. But you won't know. For instance Orich just stopped posting b/c his WAW came back to the M, but asked him not to share or post here anymore b/c she feels it violates their marital privacy and so does FaithfulH's wife. So you see, there are more success stories here than you know.
But we all have some things in common and for each of us, detaching and GAL DID happen. We let go and started to move forward without losing all hope. None of us reconciled by begging or pleading or waiting around. We owned our "crap" and said we'd do things differently if we got the chance but we also realized how good we had to let our spouses figure things out for themselves and MAYBE LOSE US... I came pretty close to being alright with whatever happened. Not "hopeless" but accepting. For me, that helped a lot.
Good luck, and keep posting as it does help. Also if you get a chance try a DB coach session. They're very specific in their help and they helped me a lot. J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
