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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...191#Post2744191

Old thread above.

So, a few weeks have moved on, and we're still here frown

For those of you still following this, the last great action of Huddy was to throw (not literally)W out of the flat. Her constant selfishness finally got me so annoyed, she had to go.

W contrived to keep my S away from me on his birthday (it should have been a day he should have been here), so, I called him instead. Very difficult with his autism.

I've had the kids this weekend. We've had great fun going to the toy superstore, rides on buses and trains, pizza night and then, to day, a trip to a new ice cream parlour that's opened near me. Kids really happy and relaxed.

I had been paying W's maintenance to her by cheque. Earlier this year she asked if I could 'direct pay' in to her bank account, as this 'suited her better'. Hmmm.....in my usual nice guy manner, I did this, but have now started paying by cheque due to her attitude. She tried numerous text messages to get me to pay money in, but I just ignored them. I know it sounds churlish, but why am I doing things that facilitate her 'new' life?

W came today to pick up the kids and launched in to a tirade about her having no money and having to subsidise my SD as her student loan money had been stopped (W forgot to mention that the reason for this was my SD having to stay at home to deal with something my W had got wrong in the first place). She then launched in to another tirade about how she doesn't she why she should bring the kids to me (I don't have a car, and by the time I'd gone on the bus to get them, due to the distance, it would be time to bring them home again) which then got a follow up about having no money (again - I had bought my S some new shoes) to buy things with etc. etc.

I don't react anymore - it's better for my blood pressure. I am away next weekend for a 'lads' weekend. It'll be good to let my hair down. W drove away badmouthing me to the kids - that's wrong in so many ways as I never do that about W, angry and distressed, but it's all of her own making.

I still have lonely moments, and have found I'm doing more work to try and compensate. You do know notice the change in yourself over time. I still love her though - if only she could se her way through the mess.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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NDY Offline
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Alright big chap?

Quote:

had been paying W's maintenance to her by cheque. Earlier this year she asked if I could 'direct pay' in to her bank account, as this 'suited her better'. Hmmm.....in my usual nice guy manner, I did this, but have now started paying by cheque due to her attitude. She tried numerous text messages to get me to pay money in, but I just ignored them. I know it sounds churlish, but why am I doing things that facilitate her 'new' life?


Dude that sounds like you are trying to punish her. Forget that. I get the whole feeling the loss thing but really? How the hell can you be the lighthouse when she's sitting at home seething at your stubbornness? Think about it. This isn't a game of tit for tat. Pay the money into her account and be the bigger man.

This isn't about facilitating her new life and more about your kids being looked after.

Mate if your kids need new shoes just get them new shoes. It's not worth mentioning. If you're expecting her to react to that then from now on don't expect it. That's the issue here. I think you would benefit from reading ... Stop doing thing and expecting a positive reaction from her. It isn't a contractual agreement.

Birthdays are always tough. I get that mate but you'll work
That out.

As for the car. Have you actually tried to talk to her? And I mean talk not argue. Why not ask her why she cant bring them and why it's such an inconvenience.
Why can't you get a car? Coz mate if it were me I'd make sure I could go and get my kid.

I have made it patiently clear to my ExW that I depend on her for nothing. Not a thing. That co dependency is gone. Perhaps with your STBEX that may be a good thing.

Hang in there mate. You'll get it.

Peace

Last edited by Cristy; 08/04/17 06:04 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc

Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
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Huddy Offline OP
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Hi NDY

Not bad thanks - how's you?

Yeah, a bit of punishment I guess. Why should I do nice things for her, when she constantly shites on me from a great distance? It's always the kids she uses as a weapon. She says she won't bring the kids to me now on a Tuesday (as she has been doing for the past 18 months) because it's 'too much trouble for her'. So, here's the rub. I come home from work, jump on two buses to get to her (journey time of 60 minutes), bring them to mine (again, 60 minutes) before I would have to take them back again (so, another 60 each way), whereas, it would take her 30 in her car. No, it's just another way to hurt me. I can't afford a car - simple as.

I bought S some new shoes today. Of course, the shoes I bought weren't good enough for her, claiming that he needed a different size, colour etc. despite me getting his feet measured. In fact, I have bought the kids their shoes for the past few times, outwith the maintenance cash I give her, as she can't get it together to do it herself.

Whilst I see what you're saying about being the lighthouse, I don't think she wants to be 'rescued'. Her next boob repair is at the end of the month - that is her focus right now, nothing else.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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Hi Huddy , for me the lighthouse is living your life and living it well. I understand that W does not want to be rescued right now but a lighthouse is.always there , just in case.

I was impressed by your post , it seems you are moving forward.

're the kids and dropping them off , just my thoughts here but it seems like that's a problem you have to solve. Car can be very cheap mate , I don't know your circumstances but could you reduce W s cheque to allow for a cheap run around?


NDY makes the point that he relies on his ex for nothing and I'm the same. It's a nightmare sometimes juggling work and kids collections but it was my way forward for.detachment and dropping all expectations.

Obviously we all have different sitchs but at the end of the day we all need to deal with what's be handed to us. For me your W is as lost as she ever was and maybe that's the way it will be forever.

I read on here along time ago that the time to realise that someone was done was when they didn't care anymore and they really didn't react to you other how a stranger might. Your W can get a reaction out of you easily, I'm not saying you are at fault but in my case W might text how she's missing her home or family life and in the same text mention some small thing like her dad is unwell, I respond about any point to do with the kids , wish her dad well and that's it, I don't get into a conversation about her feelings because that's attachment to me.

Just my thoughts mate , your getting stronger , just let go resentment for your sake not hers.

Take care Rd

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Hi Huddy , for me the lighthouse is living your life and living it well. I understand that W does not want to be rescued right now but a lighthouse is.always there , just in case.

I was impressed by your post , it seems you are moving forward.

're the kids and dropping them off , just my thoughts here but it seems like that's a problem you have to solve. Car can be very cheap mate , I don't know your circumstances but could you reduce W s cheque to allow for a cheap run around?


NDY makes the point that he relies on his ex for nothing and I'm the same. It's a nightmare sometimes juggling work and kids collections but it was my way forward for.detachment and dropping all expectations.

Obviously we all have different sitchs but at the end of the day we all need to deal with what's be handed to us. For me your W is as lost as she ever was and maybe that's the way it will be forever.

I read on here along time ago that the time to realise that someone was done was when they didn't care anymore and they really didn't react to you other how a stranger might. Your W can get a reaction out of you easily, I'm not saying you are at fault but in my case W might text how she's missing her home or family life and in the same text mention some small thing like her dad is unwell, I respond about any point to do with the kids , wish her dad well and that's it, I don't get into a conversation about her feelings because that's attachment to me.

Just my thoughts mate , your getting stronger , just let go resentment for your sake not hers.

Take care Rd

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NDY Offline
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Originally Posted By: Huddy
Hi NDY

Not bad thanks - how's you?


Good mate, really good.

Quote:

Yeah, a bit of punishment I guess. Why should I do nice things for her, when she constantly shites on me from a great distance?

See the problem here? This isn't about doing 'nice' things for her. This is about the most convenient way to look after your kids. I get that paying her direct may well feel like enabling but it also reads like you're holding onto a little bit of power of your own, otherwise known as holding the rope.

Quote:

It's always the kids she uses as a weapon.


Be careful you don't end up doing the same. It's not fare on the kids.

Quote:

I can't afford a car - simple as.



If it's that important to you you will figure something out. Depending on her and her refusal to help just builds resentment. That's not good for anyone.

Quote:

I bought S some new shoes today.

That's nice. Good man.
Quote:

Of course, the shoes I bought weren't good enough for her, claiming that he needed a different size, colour etc. despite me getting his feet measured.


Not good enough for her? Emm, so? You bought the shoes for your S not her. You don't need nor want her approval.

Quote:

In fact, I have bought the kids their shoes for the past few times, outwith the maintenance cash I give her, as she can't get it together to do it herself.


Good. At least the kids have good shoes. That's the main thing.

Quote:

Whilst I see what you're saying about being the lighthouse, I don't think she wants to be 'rescued'. Her next boob repair is at the end of the month - that is her focus right now, nothing else.


Perhaps, perhaps not. You're still mind reading. Focus on you not her.

Mate these are all just my opinions as you know. I'm not an expert but what I can say is that once you finally let it all go you will start to feel a million times better.

Peace


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
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A random punishment, like undoing something you were already doing is very punitive. And in the grand scheme of things, it is very easy to give her money that way and you aren't going above and beyond to make that happen.

So when you become very punitive to punish, what is she going to do? Tell you the shoes you bought your son weren't the right ones. She is going to be nit picky right back atcha. And those are childish games, nobody benefits, and it expends more energy than it's worth. My ex and I did it for a while. And one day I decided "enough". And he did follow my lead. And we live in peace now.

When you start to care less about how your actions and decisions impact her life, and more about how they impact yours, you will find greater peace. That's how it happened for me. I used to make too many decisions based upon if I was "condoning his choices" and I would always want to punish him somehow. Then after a good hammering with 2x4's from here, I realized I was hurting no one but myself and sometimes my daughter. Now, If it something that benefits her, it gets done. I don't give a crap about what affect it has on him.

The truth is, they usually follow you lead unless they really are a raging narcissist. I am sure we all call our ex's narcisissts, and to some degree they are, but few are really that bad. But the more peace you put out there, the more will come in return. You will work better together. but inconsistencies such as just stopping the bank transfer for no good reason, is childish behavior. And it will only breed more childish behavior from her. It will NEVER get a positive response.

It took time for me to get it, I know it will take time for you. But you'll get there.

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Hi Huddy, I think others have already advised wisely and I agree that it will be freeing for you when you are able not to go around this same loop again with your W. The loop being - I'm being helpful in hope of a possible reconciliation - now you did something I didn't like - so I'm being unhelpful and ensuring there is a consequence because now I'm annoyed - and you are annoyed with me too...

Avoiding the above repeating dynamic will be really helpful I think.

smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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This is a great reminder to us all Sotto.

Huddy, at the end of the day you will feel better about yourself by being the bigger person. That is worth more than making her annoyed.

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Hi Huddy - regarding the Tuesday drop off, my advice? Consider paying her extra (in cash) for driving the kids to you and graciously thank her for driving them to you each week. She prefers to be paid in cash and she is saving you time, money and the hassle of driving/bussing the kids. If not for her you'd either need to maintain a car or jump through all sorts of hassle to transport them via bus.

I know you are angry but truth be told, you are fortunate that she drives them to you weekly. She takes a load off your financial and work plate by doing so.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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