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Gdvibes Offline OP
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I'm married 35 years to from what I've read on another site is a chaos kid, but that particular site has a course that is expensive. My H's parents went through 7 years of his Dad in and out of house and having affair when H was a young teenager. Now H is replaying is childhood. Moved out just like his Dad did. Living secret life I know nothing about. I assume he is with someone as he admitted he was planning on dating. Before BD he became depressed saying things like "How many years do we have left?" " Do you wonder if there is someone else out there for you?", but was still loving and even clingy. But then he dropped bomb Thanksgiving night. He moved out shortly after, came back saying he missed me, then left again saying he wants to feel something, and if he could have it with me he would have everything. He became numb like (to everyone) at first and now seems to act happy. It's been a year and a half now with him out. He is not mean to me, just turned distant and basically ran away to be young again. I believe his childhood traumas came back to get him when he was getting ready to turn 60, our sons moved out, and one son moved far away, and I retired making him feel older. Seems classic MLC. We had a loving relationship for many years but he did always have the fear of feeling Trapped deep inside (caused by his parent's marrital issues_. His parents remained married after the 7 years of h@ll and have been happy since. That gives me hope, but also I wonder if it gives me false hope and maybe he even thinks his Dad shouldn't have come back. We sold our house and are both renting apartments (in close proximity).

So many questions now: 1. Should I try to find out what he is doing and who he's with (up till now I have not wanted to hurt myself more) 2. Should I just continue to work on myself and stay dark ? In the beginning he constantly texted me about something, I think to keep connection, and I would sometimes text his first. Recently I have cooled my response and he has stopped. I feel things really slipping away and feel like I'm doing nothing to help keep any connection. 3. Friends say I should do something legal now and he has had no consequences. Should I be the one to initiate that? To be honest I'm worried my impatience for this to resolve will cause me to take actions that will hurt any chance of saving the M. But then I also worry that if I do nothing I seem powerless and without consequences of any kind he will never have reason to wake up. We split our money but keep one joint account. He has not restricted money from me since I have retired a few months before BD (with his blessing and excitement btw). At the time I was thinking of retiring he was for it, saying we would travel more and I'd be able to take some of the stress off him by helping with this and that. I now know the retirement was one of the triggers that set him off. His surpressed childhood stuff was going to come out anyway though I think due to his traumatic childhood.

This is my first posting. Advice appreciated.

Last edited by job; 02/27/18 01:58 AM. Reason: removed reference to another site name as well as course name in the body of thread
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Welcome!

I read your posting prior to sanitizing it this morning and we had one gentleman who referenced the name of that site and course, but has moved on to another internet support group.

Also, one of the conditions on this forum is that we do not reference other sites or their links.

Last edited by job; 02/27/18 04:12 AM.

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.

Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

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