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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2729982#Post2729982

starting a new thread....hope I did it right smile


So things just keep getting more confusing crazy

Got a phone call today from H and he said he really needed to tell me some things. So I listened.....

He said since he completed his forum class this past weekend, and for the past 24 hours, he has been continuing to work through some things and it has been more difficult then he thought it would be.

He told me about an incident that happened when he was a teenager. He got in some pretty bad trouble, and his parents told him how disappointed they were in him, and they tried to understand what and why it happened. He has now come to realize that at that time he failed to acknowledge what he did because he didn't want anyone to judge him or think he was a bad person for the mistake he made. He now knows that this type of thinking and behavior has carried on in his life since that moment, and that it has had a huge impact on choices he has made in his life.

He said he knows that after the A he blamed me for everything because he didn't want to be judged, or acknowledge how he acted during our M, or after the BD. He made me out to be the bad guy to all his friends and family so that it would take the attention off of him and what he had done.

He apologized several times during the conversation, and said that to say he has regret is an understatement. And, he also realizes that he hasn't "owned his sh*t."

He then went on to say that he still cares for me very deeply and always has. He understands that he needs to give me the opportunity to ask him questions and he is ready to answer them.

He said there is more that he wants to talk to me about but he needed to get back to work, so he said he would call me later. Not sure when "later" is.....

I know this is going to sound very selfish on my part, but what I want to know is why did it have to get to this point in order for him to start realizing how he F'd up? I know he realizes he has treated me so poorly after BD, but what about all the times before that?

Is it even worth it for me to go down that road? Should I just be thankful that he is now telling me all of this? Will I scare him away from continuing to tell me how he feels if I ask the hard questions? Is he telling me all of this because he feels me pulling away and being okay with living a life without him?

What's a girl to do? crazy confused frown

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Wow, that is a tough spot but obviously forward progress. I keep telling myself if I ever get that call I will just listen. Maybe just listen to what he says and tell him you need time to process it. I would be afraid by asking those questions he would go running off again. I read someone else's thread about an H who went through a similar seminar, reached out to talk, and then ultimately disappeared again before that happened.

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Hey SKM, I don't think I have posted to you before but I started reading your thread from the beginning the other day and I must say I could have written so much of what you wrote about the emotions you were and are experiencing in your sitch.

You have been on such an emotional rollercoaster I imagine you must be so exhausted. I felt your pain. Every tear, feelings of frustration, anger, sadness and hurt to name a few. I have nodded to myself often as I read how angry, disappointed and confused you were with your H's lack of communication. The thought that this person who literally worshiped the ground you walked on now treats you with such indifference is hard to process let alone accept.

I am also getting to the one year mark since BD, similar to when you joined this board and I was hopeful that by this stage either I would be reconciled with H or I would be in a much, much better place than at the beginning. However no reconciliation instead I still cry every day, make up different scenarios in my head just to wind myself up and then the cycle of spinning (no pun intended) starts again. Never ending!

I think your H is confused for sure. Your decision to sell the house is making him sad because he is losing the familiarity and comfort that was part of his life with you. IMHO your question about why it took him this long to get to the point where he realises he f'cked up is because as I understand it takes a while for them to process the enormity of what they have done and the consequences of their decision. Also this Landmark conference seems to be the catalyst for him looking inward and seeking the answers he needs as to why he has done these things.

I would like to hope that he is starting to come out if the fog but my spidey sences are telling me that the increase in contact isn't only to do with the house sale and reconnecting with you but I'm sorry to say it could be because of the Landmark recruitment drive as well. It will be interesting to see if he continues with the increased contact even if he knows you are not interested in joining. Do they offer some sort of monetary incentive for recruiting friends/family?

From reading your recent posts I can see that you have changed and grown so much more stronger. This gives me so much hope that I too can get to that stage where my actions aren't controlled by how I think my H will react. It will be six weeks since I have had any contact with H except for a text to let me know he dropped Easter eggs off for me and D. I just said 'thanks'. It's been such a hard slog not to call/text him but I have held off. Today I nearly asked him over for a pizza but my D strongly advised against it and she is right. It will just look like pursuing again, which I am very good at!

I think you see doing great SKM. You should be very proud of your progress...


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

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skm


I would just stay neutral /open with him and continue to move forward in your own life

yes he may feel you are moving on and he may not want to loose you
he may want to keep you in the mix just in case
sounds like he feels deep regret and guilt and that is good-

we dont really know
but if its MLC it will take a while

If he wants to talk for now- listen if you can within reason if you can handle it
validate if you can
try to not put any more focus on him-continue with your plans
you will know more in time
but if your actions are bringing him closer-continue


I also would not ask to much right now

sounds like he is trying to figure out what he wants and what he did
and still all he did did not make him happy

I would figure out what you want and continue to get your feelings out with others
there will be time later to


married 14 years
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skm0619 Offline OP
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Coly, peacetoday and OwnIt.......thanks for posting. I am always grateful for those who take time to read my thoughts, and want to tell me theirs smile

I had another conversation with H a few days ago. He continued to share his thoughts and feelings. He wanted to clarify some things he said to me the last time we spoke.

Our conversation was good. I found myself being able to listen and not wanting to jump in and respond right away. I usually think that what I have to say is so important that I would interrupt the conversation, and H never liked when I would do that.

He said he finds himself with a much clearer head these days. I asked him "did it feel like you were in a fog" and he said "what a great way to describe it" wink

He continues to work on himself. He did tell me that he is doing all of this work for me, and that "this relationship"....I assume he meant the one between him and I, was the only one he was focusing on right now. Funny thing is....I don't feel like we have a "relationship" at all.

He also mentioned that he was going to have a conversation with his parents about other things he has come to realize that happened when he was younger. And, he wants to speak to them about how they don't open up to him, or show their feelings or emotions. He also plans on speaking to them about how they treated me in the past. That should be an interesting conversation, because they are people who totally shut down when the conversation gets tough....which is where he totally learned that coping mechanism from wink

I have worked the past 3 days, so we have minimal contact. He did reach out to me each day to tell me that he hoped I had a good day at work. Also to tell me what he had been doing for the day, or what he was going to be doing. I'm not really sure why he was doing that?

Of course work was very emotional as we had several very ill patients to deal with. Work continues to challenge my thinking when it comes to wanting to continue to work on this R or not. Life is too short and you have got to cherish those around you because you never know when they wont be there anymore, or taken from you so suddenly....I am reminded of that every time I step into the ICU frown

I find myself thinking that I am totally ready to let him go. I have a lot of love I want and need to give to someone, and if he is not willing, ready or able to accept it, then maybe I should find someone else who is. I also am someone who deserves love and affection, and maybe I need to find someone who is ready to give that to me too smile

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Maybe he never learned how to give and receive love from those that raised him. You sound like you were raised by loving family members that always showed love and respect.

Maybe he is reaching out to you and staying in touch because he feels that you have reached that point of totally letting him go.

Maybe he is standing up for you to his parents to show you that he is in a way a protector.

Mine has totally shut the door to anything except money for the kids. How one can totally shut out someone that they have spent 25 years with is truly amazing. We share a Kindle Account and I saw that she downloaded a book called Happy Divorce: How to turn your divorce into the most brilliant and rewarding opportunity of your life...what a crock of $&!^.

I hope and pray that you are able to stay focused on you and your growth. One day at a time!!!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
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Hey SKM, how's it going? Any update on your sitch?


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

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Hey Coly...things around here have been busy, so I haven't been able to post recently. I also felt like I needed to take a step back for a bit and re-evaluate some things and think for a bit.

I put my house on the market a few weeks ago, and have been having almost daily showings, so between working and trying to sell the house I have been occupied. I am happy to report that I received an offer....above asking, so I guess I have sold my house smile

Things with H have been interesting. A few weeks ago, he was a bit distant, which I have come to realize is his way of not dealing with things. Recently we have been speaking more, and have had more interaction. Since I am selling the house I asked him if he could keep the dogs at his place, because that would make it easier for the showings. He gladly offered to keep them. We have had a few good conversations recently. I had come to the place where I was ready to let him go and I told him that. He was not ready for that at all. I told him that I need someone in my life who wants to be with me, and not someone who "doesn't know" what they want.

We didn't speak for a few days, and I had to call him on some things regarding the house. We ended up meeting for dinner and had a good conversation, not really about us, and then went on our way. A few days later I called him about something and he was distant and sounded like he was hiding something. I asked him where he was and he was at a party. He sounded as if he didn't want me to know where he was, so I asked him that. He said he doesn't have anything to hide. I am not exactly sure what happened next, but he said something and for some reason I started speaking to him in a not so nice tone. I told him that since he wanted to live his life as a single man, and not have to answer to anyone but himself, that I suggest he do what he needs to do to put that into motion. Of course silence on his part...which always frustrates me.

I ended up speaking to him really late that night after he got home and he said he was sorry for making me upset, and I asked since he wants to be able to act single why hasn't he filed for D and he said "because I don't know what I want." I said well I know that I am not going to live like this anymore and that I would like for him to file. More silence....

Since it was late he said he would call me the next day. This is going to shock all of you (not really).....he didn't call. I had been out on the lake enjoying the beautiful day and having fun with friends. When I left my friends house I called him and asked him if I could come over and speak to him. When I got to his house all of his blinds were closed and his house was so dark. He looked so pitiful and sad. I asked him why he didn't call and he said "I don't know, I just got to that place again." He said he had been home all day all alone and cleaned his house from top to bottom because he knew that I would likely show up and he wanted to make sure the house was clean when I got there. I don't really know what that meant? And, this is coming from a man who is very neat and tidy and his house is never dirty. I asked him if he would like to come to my house, he said yes, so we drove over together.

We had dinner and talked. I told him that I will be okay if he filed for D. He said he doesn't know what he wants and that is why he hasn't filed. We continued to speak and I told him that if he was still speaking to me, and having some kind of contact with me, because of all of his shame and guilt that he has, then he should stop. I told him that if he was doing this to be my friend, it was not needed, because I did not want to be his friend because I had plenty. He said he was sad to hear me say that. I finally asked him if he wanted me in his life and he said yes. I asked him why and he said because he cares about me. He also said because he doesn't want to have any regrets, and that he is afraid of losing me.

He ended up staying the night and we were intimate. I am not sure how that ended up happening, or if that was the right thing to do? He went home the next morning. I did not hear from him for 3 days. I ended up calling him to tell him we had an offer on the house, and was he okay if I accepted it. He came over to my house later that evening and we spoke about the house. As he was leaving I made the mistake of asking him if he wanted to spend the night. Well....his answer was pretty upsetting. He said "I need to work out in the morning." He hugged me good bye and actually kissed me....which was a shock. His working out had been a huge issue in our marriage, and the importance that he placed on it over me.

A few days later he called and we spoke about the house, and he again came over for dinner. I later told him that I was upset by his response of wanting to go work out and that it sent me back to when we were married. He said he was glad that I told him how I was feeling, and he acknowledged how I felt and said he was sorry, and that was not his intention. He actually reached out to touch me and showed me some compassion. We spoke about other things and then as he was getting ready to go home he hugged me and was being affectionate, which of course was nice. He again kissed me several times.

He called me today to wish me a "Happy Mother's Day" from our dogs, which I did not expect. We have had several conversations regarding selling the house. He has done a few things for me, not pertaining to the house, which has been helpful. He is the "acts of service" love language, so I am guessing that he is doing those things for me in that manner.

I don't want to have any expectations of him now that we have crossed that line of being intimate. I don't want it to be an issue for us, but I also don't want it to be something that he thinks can happen whenever he feels like it.

He continues to make slow progress with himself, and I am still working on me.

WHOA....this ended up being really long shocked

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Hey SKM, wow what an update!

Congrats on getting an offer on your house. Above the asking price too!

Mmm,your H does seem very conflicted. I expect you are both confused now that you have been intimate again. It's good that he doesn't see D as beng the answer to all this so that is a huge positive. I think he is moving towards you but very slowly. Think little skittish bird.

You said on my thread that in a similar way to me you keep finding reasons to contact H and I can see that it is mostly because of the house which is a good reason but then you fall back into R talk. Can you try your very best to keep it to house talk and if you want to talk about your R then make it clear that is what the call is about otherwise he will feel ambushed every time.

I know you have an offer on your house but why do you really want to sell it? Do you think this is the best time to do it with everything still so uncertain?

I like the fact that he sent you a Mother's Day message. You are doing great SKM!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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skm0619 Offline OP
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Hey Coly.....I was happy that my house sold, and for over asking as well smile

To answer your question of why sell it now. I have been separated from H since 11/2015. I have had to come to this empty house ever since then, and at times it has been pretty difficult. I also live in the suburbs...which when we bought the house 10 years ago was what both of us wanted. I find myself not wanting to be in this type of neighborhood any longer, and am wanting to move downtown. Some place where there is a bit more going on, and will force me to get out of the house more often.

I love how you described H as a skittish little bird....so accurate wink

I was at work the past 3 days and only had interaction one of those days with H because we were dealing with house issues/offers. I didn't hear from him Sunday or Monday, and I did not reach out to him either.

Today he sent me a text with a photo of the dogs, and also told me that he had a dentist appointment today. Not really sure why he is telling me that? I am not going to respond to him. I need to keep my distance right now.

Coly, I know both of us are doing the best we can, and that is all we can expect from ourselves for right now.

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