Hello am New in here,I been reading everyone post for the last 3 months trying to understand or in my head I thought things where going to go back to normal. Wishful thinking... Also we are a lesbian couple with 3 amazing kids 2 sons and a daughter.
My story started around April 20th we before that had an amazing life by all means not perfect but close to perfect. W was getting ready to go out again I notice she was changing slowly but I also was use to her having girls night out so on this day I ask the same question I have ask for 10yrs "where you going" but on this day was the day she said J I am no longer in love, it literally caught me off guard I of course started crying and pleading not to leave that night. Yes I did all the mistakes I shouldn't have even getting on my knees. Well now I sit here and remember she had no reaction at all. This was once a women who adore me she sent me a text days before that saying she loves us so much.
So I at first did all the mistakes, asking her what I could do to make us better her reply Nothing we are done. Then couple days later I again ask why how come she said her exact words, I gave you almost 10yrs I lost myself for the last 10 yrs it's been about you and the kids, I need to do me and love myself again and for once live for me. When I see myself I can't even see myself I lost myself.
So I ask is this temporary or do you need time or what's going happen. W replied am moving out I already found a condo so my alert went up log in to bank account. W has withdrew all our saving $20,000 I was in disbelief.
Let's rewind in 2015 I got hurt at work and been off and on at work I just had major back surgery so I was financially making sure we saved up before another major surgery.
I confronted her and her reply is my money. Huh?!?! I mean we both have always work. So now am panicking W has a condo already took all the money I was furious I felt this was all plan I was confused as how not even a week before we talked about adopting a foster child we even did all the classes. From May till June all she did was go out come home whenever even sleeping away from home for the first time.
While I kept S8,S9 and D9 busy making sure they didn't get hurt because W was becoming verbal abuse always cursing and screaming from even saying we ruined her life she didn't even want this life but she did it to make me Happy. W said I could have been retiring this year from military. Oh yeah she was a Marine for 8yrs btw this is before we even met she left the Marine corps in 2006 we met October 2007 so not sure why I got blamed. But she felt she needed to tell me that it was my fault she not traveling the world like some of her friends are from the Marine corps which they don't have kids.
Well she left leaving us with no money and no explanation just she no longer in love in fact she never loved me at all.
Unfortunately I was living this fantasy world she was staying somewhere and she just needed time. My kids are confused where is mommy. And our lease was up on July I of course beg and cried and ask what was i going to do when lease was up and we have no where to go. W reply oh well figure it out. Wow is all could have said while an emotional wreck. And our kid's asking. I text her like a million times ask why, what's going on did she meet someone andI never got replied. So here I am recovering from surgery, and mayor back surgery schedule for June.
The first month she took clothes not all through the month of June she only took her clothes and jewelry and her bar I builded years ago and a stereo.
By July it hit me when she pick children's up and they went to her condo and she still hasn't giving me the address my kids say they only have a bed and sheets and nothing else in there room. I ask her after dropping off do I need to pack somethings up for there room. W replied Nope. My kids are now seeing her monster side she has them like little soldiers cleaning, mopping floor literally is all they do my children's tell me.
Now is July am packing a home and wondering what I did. By now I still didn't have anywhere to go am scared. W would not call or text for days not even to check on our kids. She by now has told me everything from,
I ruined her life I am controlling She hates me How she wish I would leave state How she can't stand looking at me I was her biggest mistake literally if you thought about it she said it even in one of blackouts I call it, that she wish I would have died when I had a seizure in 2015 I literally fell in concrete and smashed my face on the ground I lost 5 front teeth this tell you it was a grandmal seizure. When she said this to me that day something inside of me died, how can someone wish death on someone they adored once but how can someone just say.
I started to worry W eyes where not the person I knew I felt I was looking at a Alien big black eyes, W has hazel eyes they where not light anymore.
I started searching of all these signs I Google it and yelp the first time I seen MLC I was shock W was 36 was about to be 37. I started financially removing her from my CC but May,June and july she spend 5,000 on my CC and remember she took over 20,000 so why use my CC. W of course scream and yelled how she was buying things and all CC she had where declined I explained I closed account she was furious. W says this is why we will never get back together because you try to control me. I by now been reading MLC how they like to cause chaos. I said we are not together they my CC I need to make sure kids and I are not living in the streets I need to make sure I have my CC because that's the only way. W respond Oh well.
By August I have a little home nothing to what I was living our life was flip out while she lives in a condo a new condo btw. We live in a little old home but I was ok as long am with my kids. So by now she would go weeks no text or calling and when she did all about Money and bills ect never about kids. I ask myself how can anyone walk away from everything they built in a family.
I also don't understand how can she leave everything behind from military awards, very important paperwork I mean she left everything behind I still have her birth certificate and ss ect.
By now kids and I settling and taking it a day at a time. So 3 weeks ago she took our first s9 saying she needs him with her she separated our children's now am being ask by s8 and d9 why only him why she doesn't love them. I explain mommy loves you mommy going through a hard time.
Now she has killed me inside me not understanding why, I have no money to hire lawyer and Illinois law changed for child support and who they live with is a 50/50 now doesn't matter what parent. Again recap we adopted all 3, I know that s9 is more quite and in his world compared to s8 and d9 they are very out spoken. And W says they spyon her lol all I can do is laugh because our kids now spyon her I been accused of recording her and hired a PI to watch her. I ask myself how canI you didn't leave me money I have barely money to buy food.
A week ago she sends me an email to sign, she wrote her own custody plan. I didn't sign and now have to figure out how to get a lawyer to get my s9 home with us. Because they are siblings you just can't take what you want like they are property or an item. Again she goes days no text.
There's day she will be a nice person, 4 days ago she called saying how are you how you feeling, I replied a day at a time she was crying saying she going through a tough time emotionally I have said before this is what you wanted. And other days she will say this is why we will never get back together what I notice is when she doesn't get her way the monster comes out saying, This is why we never ever get back I can't f***** stand you. I have heard this over a thousand time we will never get back together.
W has lost weight goes to gym gets her nails done always shopping and lighting her hair again it feels like a strange in front of me. W is buried on her phone we don't make eye contact she always in la la la la land.
And W has new friends everything she doing is like her becoming a new person. I don't see her in social media or liking anyone pictures. I wonder is she still friends with her old friends or family because I haven't seen anyone not even my MIL is like they care less what there daughter doing. I feel we where abandoned by everyone. It slowly breaking me I wonder where did I go wrong, how can this be happening. But I have no answer, all of her friends are our friends and nobody is reaching out. I am alone in Illinois no family. I moved here 10yrs ago for her and now look where am at. Alone.....
I have tried everything to see if I see a sign but all I see is someone else not my W.
Sorry so long there's so much more but I think ya know how MLC spouse are and she is literally a monster to me and kids.
I also believe there could be someone she romantic with but when I ask she laughs and says what should I care she is a single women and could date who the hell she wants...
Me,39 W,37 children's S9 D9 and S8 Together 2007 Separated May 2017 Moved out June 2017
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Welcome to the MLC Forum! I'm sorry that you are here, but you will get some great advice, suggestions and support here.
I'm going to paste in Cadet's Welcome Message because it has a lot of homework for you to read. But, first, to answer your question about the weight gain...yes, they can gain a lot of weight or lose it. They will look terrible for a time and may even be ill often...this is caused by the depression and in some cases, the weight gain is from drinking and/or eating a lot of fast food or junk food.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry you are going through this. I read your post and it all sounded so very familiar to me. I went through a bad custody situation and wanted to offer some advice. You need to talk to an attorney asap. Research and find yourself a good one. She cant just take your S away and make her own schedule. My xw tried to do this and I had to get a guardian attorney to get a temporary arrangement while the custody decision was made. Maybe see if there is some kind of program or something to help you w/fees.
Start documenting things in a journal. Start with the behaviors you already wrote about above and keep up on it. The journal I kept was invaluable. Also keep her emails to give to your attorney.
Take care of yourself and keep being there for your kids, they will need you.
Kyh, thank you so can I ask did your W ever snap out of it, I pray to God everyday to see a sign. I have to say I always had faith but lately my faith is stronger I believe something big will come out of this. We both faught so hard to be together and also to adopt our kids I know our story can't end like this.
Also I have everything of hers. Is it normal to literally walk away from her things. I am still trying to wake up from this nightmare.
I went to see a lawyer is 3500 to just get started. And even the lawyer doesn't know how to file. She lost why only take one. I honestly believe my W is suicidal but having a child keeps her busy she has told me I need one of them i can't handle all 3 but i need one please. Understand so before this she talk about making her life insurance higher and one time she said there days she wants to drive her car over a bridge. This is when she went dark for weeks. I am lost I love her and so in love with my W I am so use to fixing everything and not being able to help her drive's me crazy she didn't deserve this. She had a bad childhood i knew it was going catch up sooner than later.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
So heartbreaking. Agree with kyh. In addition to an emotional crisis, this is a legal and financial crisis. I know money is tight so you may qualify for public legal assistance or family services. Do not let her take the kids against your wishes and you absolutely have the right to know where they are living. Are you legally married? You need to protect yourself and your kids. You can't negotiate with your w right now. She is literally running away from you so it sounds like you have taken the first step in that you have stopped chasing her. This is a nightmare, hugs to you and your kids. You are stronger than you think.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Kyh, thank you so can I ask did your W ever snap out of it, I pray to God everyday to see a sign. I have to say I always had faith but lately my faith is stronger I believe something big will come out of this. We both faught so hard to be together and also to adopt our kids I know our story can't end like this.
Also I have everything of hers. Is it normal to literally walk away from her things. I am still trying to wake up from this nightmare.
I went to see a lawyer is 3500 to just get started. And even the lawyer doesn't know how to file. She lost why only take one. I honestly believe my W is suicidal but having a child keeps her busy she has told me I need one of them i can't handle all 3 but i need one please. Understand so before this she talk about making her life insurance higher and one time she said there days she wants to drive her car over a bridge. This is when she went dark for weeks. I am lost I love her and so in love with my W I am so use to fixing everything and not being able to help her drive's me crazy she didn't deserve this. She had a bad childhood i knew it was going catch up sooner than later.
Hi again:) To answer your question, yes and no. Very condensed story - She got slapped with reality when I was recommended custody. This was near the same time she supposedly broke up w/ OM, and after she moved across the state w/kids in tow to be w/him. She partially woke up because her MLC fairytale started falling apart. She called me crying asking if she moved back if I would share custody. I agreed because I will have no part of taking the kids from her. We also almost lost S right after and spent 8 days in the hospital together and another week or so at my house so a lot happened fast. She hasn't been the monster she was since then but is still living in MLC land big time, still hasn't lifted a finger to work on herself and went through w/D. So no she didn't snap out of it but her nasty emails and texts stopped and she is generally doesn't monster on me anymore but there have been a few instances. If you can, disconnect and respond, don't react.
If she doesn't get her way she will monster on you. She isn't the person you knew right now so you have to look out for yourself and kids. Don't let your guard down! In my experience they will try anything and everything to get their way and find new people to support them and abandon those that don't.
Your right something big will come of this. At a minimum you will become closer to your kids, a better parent, and a better person. I know it's hard but keep your expectations from them at zero.
Yes, it isn't out of the ordinary for them to leave everything behind. She's running hard. I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to come back for it at some point but some leave it all behind.
If the attorney you saw doesn't know what to do maybe talk to someone else. I think in your case an emergency custody order would be justified. Her taking just one of your children shows how far out of it she is. This is not good for your kids, they will grow closer to each other (and you) through this and need each other. It is also unhealthy for a child to have her putting her needs on him, he needs his siblings. You don't have to file for D (put that on her) but be sure to protect yourself and kids.
My xw also talked a lot about life insurance at the beginning, they are afraid of the realization of mortality. She never made comments about suicide though and that is really troubling. She sounds very depressed. I hope she will get some help.
Also, in regard to all the awful things she said to you, don't believe what they say. She is miserable and wants you to feel the same. I heard very similar things at the beginning. She can't see it's her and is blaming the closest person to her for her unhappiness.
My xw also had a bad childhood, it's a common theme. Some MLCers will regress back to these times when they were stunted. You can't help them, they have to work through it for themselves.
I think you're doing better than you think, take care of your kids and yourself. Don't settle for anything less than you and your kids deserve.
If she is suicidal, that is grounds for her NOT having any custody. And healthy parents don't "need" a child to support them emotionally or scrub their floors. Sorry to say, but that is just sick and twisted. Because you adopted the children, you had to have a home study and you probably have a social worker assigned to your family. Can you find her contact information? She may be able to help you directly with a family court judge or point you in the right direction. If you are desperate,, you can also call the police and they can help if there is reason to believe your children are in danger. The L you contacted seems not to know what he is doing, so find another who specializes in contentious d cases.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I agree with KYH and Gordie; find yourself a lawyer. There must be a division of family services that can help. And definitely document everything, save emails and texts. Be careful in what you text and email back. Keep emotions out of your correspondence and just be aware that whatever you say could end up in front of a judge. Present yourself as the clearly capable one.
Hard as this is, you need to put her on the back burner and focus on you and your kids. The child she took needs to come back with you. He cannot be her crutch through this all. He deserves a childhood otherwise the cycle will repeat. Your job is not to save her but to work to save your kids. And it only takes one parent to give a normal childhood.
A large part of our role becomes doing everything we can to prevent this from happening to our own children in the future. So that means we teach them strong coping skills & boundaries and give them the most normal childhood possible.
KYH is right. She can't just take one kid. That's insane!
Compose yourself, document and build a case to be the primary caregiver. Focus like a laser on your kids. Kids, kids, kids. You can do this!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
