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#2714637 11/07/16 04:34 AM
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Foxy13 Offline OP
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Hi all,

So almost a year post BD, i am ready to share my story. But before i dwell on me and my life right now...i would like to thank all of you, your posts are of utmost encouragement, sometimes just knowing that you are not alone in this mad situation, is enough to help you get up every morning. I started reading the DB info appx 4 months after BD.

I am not really sure if H is going through a MLC or if it is my own way of comforting myself-how can one ever know...'maybe he is just confused and depressed and he will wake up one day'
I got the big BD in Dec15, i was 4 months pregnant (these things never come at a good time right). Understandably (right?), i went ape [censored] (ashamed). H was in and out of the house, he must have moved in and out approximately 4 or 5 times, he moved back when i gave birth and left 2 weeks later, it was too much for him, from what i could see, it looked like OW had given him an ultimatum- he has been living out since then.

H hasn't had a job for a couple of years, then in Mar15 we found out his BFF died suddenly after a night of boozing with his GF in Europe. H was extremely upset, even if short lived. in Aug15 we found out we were expecting. Is this enough to throw someone off their rails? he is 43yrs old, has a lot of mommy issues, feels abandoned by his mom who is now trying to make up for all that lost time.

Anyway, my shame of having been a total nutcase during BD and months following that...i did, i went mad, i called him every word in the derogatory dictionary, i called his OW (23yrs old) every word in there as well, he retaliated obviously...gave me the 'i am never coming back to you'. I have had to do a lot of calming down and just rather take a shower to try and get through the anger, i still struggle with it, i see H pretty much every second day as he has to come and see dear S -he has in not so many words said that he is struggling in forming a bond with S. So given i see him every day, im finding ultra difficult to let go and heal, although i also think i am trying to push this process before it has fully ripened.

At one point, i was saying i was going to die trying to save my marriage, then i would go through periods of 'why should i, im not a door mat'-im still going through this confusion...when does it end?

I read a MLC story by a guy who went through his own MLC and was lovely enough to share, i felt so much hope as i could see the similarities between him and H. But like i said earlier, how do you know that it is an MLC? what if he just a right arrogant prick?

Just today i had an argument with H, he has so much anger, as if i were the one that hurt him, he sees no issue with what has happened, he has every now and then said he is sorry, but obviously not to my face, always via message. Today he told me that he wants me to accept that we are no longer together (he brought up the big D in May, never initiated, again brought up but no initiation) , i told him that i know that we are not together because how can we be together if he is with a mistress. He then asked me why i am so bitter then, i said i am not bitter, i am simply mourning the loss of my marriage, my friend, lover and above all a father to my S. i also told him that i love him (something i have not told him in about 10 months) and that is why i sometimes write with emotions. he replied with a 'i'm sorry'. that was the end of that session. What i have realised is that H does not want to talk anything of this, if it were up to him, we would never, i mean NEVER talk about this. He still pretends to his friends that he is a normal family life living at home etc, he refused to tell his friends saying he just felt he didn't want to but didn't know why.He now uses the excuse of having started a new job and therefore no time to talk about this.

So i am now forcing myself because i know that i need to stop talking to him period-i need to just let him be. And yes, i am still angry (how long does this take?) i am getting better, i can see the improvement, before, i'd be angry with him every day, now its maybe 2 or 3 times a week smile haha...progress! again, nothing to be proud of, but i am human!

BTW, through mutual acquaintances, i found out that OW has a lying disorder, she had gone to therapy a couple of years back. She must have a mental disorder to be able to look me in the eye and say H and her love each other at 2 months of knowing each other.

This is my story...right now, to be honest with you...i have no clue where i am headed with my life, i feel quite numb. I am a great mother, i drive all my positive energy towards my S. I am also trying to GAL, i have made new friends, i go out a lot more than i did before S. 5 months ago, i would have gone out and after a glass of wine thought about H and been sad, now, i go out and genuinely have a good time without thinking about H, then i see him and his arrogant attitude and its down the pit of emotions again!

I actually feel great having shared this story...thank you DB for allowing me to.

Last edited by job; 11/07/16 08:21 AM. Reason: Corrected spacing for paragraphs
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Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.

Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting:
OK so that means MORE homework.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

_________________________
Me-62, D30,S28


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Foxy,

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you're already a step ahead of the game, as you've identified many of the signals & triggers. You're going to get plenty of advice on how to navigate yourself through this. It sounds like you're doing fine. My two cents...

* Your S brings up feelings of tremendous guilt in your H, because he is ignoring him. If he has abandonment issues, he is just repeating the cycle. He would rather stay away from your S and push it out of his mind. Part of MLC is fear that time is running out. The symbol of a newborn baby adds to that fear, as our children are essentially brought here to replace us. He's also avoiding responsibility, and a baby is work 24/7.

* The OP is usually a trainwreck themselves. Your H is only capable of a relationship than can exist inside the narrow MLC tunnel. He needs someone more messed than he is so he can feel better about himself. Is there anything more malleable than an unstable 23 year-old?

* The anger will come & go in equal waves of intensity. You will feel like you've finally gotten a handle on the craziness of the situation, then you will see or hear something that sets off the rage all over again. It's going to take time. I've only been in this myself for 10 months, there are still days where the sadness or the anger overtake me. It's a long process.

I'm sorry you are dealing with the single parent thing right now. What is most important is keeping your heart & mind healthy and being a good mother - which you're already doing. He might stop your marriage, but he can't stop YOU. "Keep on keeping on".


M: 49, W: 45
T: 22 M: 15
S14, S11, S9
BD: Jan '16
W files: Oct '16
D final: June '18
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Foxy13 Offline OP
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Hi Brubeck,

Your two cents are so on point! Deep down i know all of this, but i just cannot help but get angry- i hate myself afterwards because i know that i am contributing to the demise of my marriage-i am trying to change.

10months on and you sound so wise Brubeck, i hope i can reach the stage you are at very soon.

H is not a bad person, yes, he is extremely flawed, but are we not all flawed in some way or another at the end of the day...

How long do they push issues out of their mind for? surely they need to face reality one day-but my fear is that the reality will be 'yes, i am certain, i was never made to be a father or a husband' but i guess this is a risk you take on the journey to better yourself and arm yourself for the future.

I am sorry Brubeck, i am just talking myself here, you are fairly new to this as well, how are you doing?

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Welcome here. It is a great place during a terrible time.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Originally Posted By: Foxy13
How long do they push issues out of their mind for? surely they need to face reality one day-but my fear is that the reality will be 'yes, i am certain, i was never made to be a father or a husband' but i guess this is a risk you take on the journey to better yourself and arm yourself for the future.

You have to prepare yourself for the possibility that he may never come out of it. It's not your fault. There's too much going on inside his head and he has to run away from it all. It's almost like a self-defense mechanism, they have to escape because what's been buried away for so long has risen to the surface. It's far too unbearable for them, too overwhelming. They tell themselves if they just change everything and start over, they'll be alright again.

I've read stuff here that sounds downright scary from a psychological perspective (and I'm no expert either). People who never overcome their MLC and spend the rest of their lives with a deer-in-the-headlight look on their faces.

Check out all the other threads job linked to, there are stories of LBSs whose spouses never snap out of it...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2532669#Post2532669


M: 49, W: 45
T: 22 M: 15
S14, S11, S9
BD: Jan '16
W files: Oct '16
D final: June '18
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Quote:
H hasn't had a job for a couple of years, then in Mar15 we found out his BFF died suddenly after a night of boozing with his GF in Europe.


Okay - let me ask you a few questions about this.

First - H was unemployed for a couple of years. Why was this? Is he still unemployed? Did you support him? Is he helping to support you and your child now?

Second - his best friend died from drinking - is your H by any chance an alcoholic himself?

Third - I want you to forgive yourself right now for going off on him when you discovered his cheating. Your reaction was perfectly normal especially for a pregnant woman who discovers her husband is cheating. And believe me when I say, men aren't any more likely to come back to a doormat. Let that go.

Fourth - relating to number 3 - right now your job is to establish healthy boundaries and look after yourself and your child. He may or may not return to the marriage, and you may or may not want him by the time he does. You can't control his path but you DO have control over the choices you make in your own life. Make you plans AS IF he is never coming home, and you will be better off in the future regardless. Do you make a good living now? If not, what can you do to improve that outlook? Do you have help from family members to raise your child? If not, would it be feasible to move near family to get that assistance?

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Foxy13 Offline OP
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Hi kml,

H was unemployed as he was let go due to the company restructure,he then ventured off to start up his own business (which we all told him was not going to work). No, i do not support him, yes, i do work but he has been alright with paying for things-the obvious- although at times he has tried to take the easy way out. He has recently started a new job.

No, H is not an alcoholic, in fact, he never did tolerate alcohol very well, but i have noticed that lately he is drinking a lot more than usual and has started smoking again (he had stopped 15yrs ago). he does a lot of partying with OW. She quit her job when she met H (stating that he gave her the courage to take risks) she parties most of her days away and lives at parents but with H getting his own place now, i suspect she spends a lot of time with him.

Id also like to add that H has a history of pornography addiction, he tried to get off it and it did improve, but i suspect he has now gone back to that as i don't think his OW is as exciting anymore.
Now that i think about it, i think H has had bouts of depression over the past 12 years of me knowing him, i recall a couple of times where he had 'medical' issues, but doctors could never diagnose his complaints-he would be depressed for months. id say 2013-2015 he was doing really well until 'life' happened.
His mother spoils him a great deal, but with that she also gives him a lot of grief ie. you're fat, you're lazy, do this, do that...basically now trying to be a mother to him. He has always spoken of the tainted relationship he has with his mother (parents are divorced) he always felt that she never wanted him, hence why she put him up in boarding school and would not see him on his birthdays etc. His father was never ambitious, always survived on handouts, his mother worked hard and did very well, put him through the best of schools - she always replaced her being there with him by financially being there for him - you cannot buy love i suppose.

I've seen him now act like a teenager, running to mom on everything, maybe it is his way of making amends with her...i suppose it is.

I...well, i am trying hard, i get up every morning and try to the best of my ability to always be busy, knowing that if i have free time for my mind to wonder, it will and when it does, it is only downhill from there, but i also understand that this is normal.

I really do admire people who are going through this and have been going through this for years, it is by far the most difficult situation i have ever been in and i do not wish it upon anyone.
I like the fact that i am getting stronger though, things can happen around me and i feel grounded. There is always a silver lining behind every cloud.

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Hello Foxy13,

Are you still with us? What has been happening since your last post almost a month ago?

We're here to support you. Please let us know how you are doing.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Hi Cristy,

Yes, I am still here. I still visit DB everyday, i try and read as much as i can it does however get very depressing.

I am surviving...how true are the words of Jack_three_beans 'If they saying that gets your hopes up...be very very wary. Be suspicious and really do not get your hopes up. Because like a roller coaster, these 'highs' almost always are followed by a steep steep and fast decent.'

A couple of weeks back, H was very much trying to be a part of my life, asking to go out with me and join friends and i for some concerts - we spent a few hours together for 2 consecutive days-no R talk, no stress talk, just had a fun time. a couple of days later (not quite sure what led to the conversation) he mentioned that 'it was ending between this girl and him'. it hit me by surprise, and i guess i did the ultimate LBS mistake - i got my hopes up high and initiated more conversation...where has this led us today, running back (full speed) to the tunnel.
What have i learnt from this experience, prior to the sudden announcement of its ending with her...i was doing my own thing, not contacting him, living my life. I am now returning back to that and no matter the hopeful words that are dropped in an attempt to see where i am in my life, I am going dark, i have to for my own sanity.I can only get stronger from all of this.
He is still very much confused, he does'nt monster as much anymore, only when the conversations get heated. a part of me sees a slight difference in his state, it has been a year since BD (not that i am watching the stages and timelines)...but it is a year. I think OW is now starting to be tougher on him, ultimatums and he fears losing her.

Anyway...heres to me and finding my life...attempt 2 or is it 3..:)

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