The seed beneath the bitter snows is me!

[2Times2Many]

Link to previous thread: Uncharted Waters

I thought I'd start my new thread with a reference to one of my favorite songs - The Rose by Bette Midler.

I love the last verse:

Just remember, in the Winter, far beneath the bitter snows, lies the seed, that with the sun's love, in the Spring, becomes the rose.

I feel like I've been buried in the snow for a long time, but I hope that when Spring finally comes, I'll blossom. No, I don't hope. I know!

Job, I feel like we've been playing the pursuer/distancer game here. He behaves as though he's waking up and I get encouraged, thinking I see baby steps and soften a bit toward him, trying to be compassionate, understanding and friendly. Then I get slapped away. Then I withdraw and he starts the same stuff again. It has to stop! It's a cheeseless tunnel and we keep replaying the same scenario. I'm just sick of it. Baby steps don't work. He needs to make a few leaps.

He sent the flowers and note saying how awesome and amazing I am. He takes every opportunity that comes up to tell me how much he appreciates what I do. I know exactly what's going on. He's trying to smooth talk me into staying on in the business after a D. He so underestimates me. I'm not a fool and I'm not afraid of losing him. As you said, I'll be fine.

Mleigh4, thank you for stopping by. Yes, the curve balls are confusing, often frustrating and sometimes make me smh wondering if he thinks I'm that gullible.

I've been following your threads. It sounds like good things are happening in your sitch. I hope the positive interactions with your H continue. Keep up the good work and remember the key word ... patience.

bttrfly, thank you for the confirmation that I'm not the nutty one. It gets so confusing sometimes, as we all know.

I'm so sorry that your D is coming soon. I don't think any of us want things to end that way, but you seem so grounded and your attitude amazes me. You are a survivor and I believe you will be just fine. Better days are ahead for you.

HaWho, I was astounded when the flowers showed up while I was researching attorneys. I wondered if this is some kind of cosmic sign? Is this supposed to mean something. The timing was just plain eerie.

The other thought that went through my mind was to wonder what his gf would do if she found out H was sending flowers to his wife. I got a good chuckle out of that thought.

HaWho if your H goes bear hunting or buys a bug suit, please let us know. I honestly don't know how you do it. And your boys are a treasure. They are growing up way too fast because of all your H's issues, but that may not be a bad thing.

123Gwen, thank you for your post. I think you are right about the vision. You have to take off the blinders and see things as they are. Unfortunately, when dealing with a MLC spouse, that's not always easy, but it gets easier with time.

I found your post on Bright's thread very interesting. There are a lot of people who feel perfectly free to tell you what they think you should do, but they don't walk in your shoes. There are issues like insurance, taxes, financial stability, etc. that sometimes trump the "kick the bum out" mentality. It isn't simply a matter that he cheated or he walked out. I know it got so bad for me, that as soon as I heard the words "you should" or "if I were you, I would," I'd stop listening. I tired of "defending" my choice. You have to develop a thick skin and know in your heart and your head that what you do is best for YOU. You can't let those who don't get it get to you.

As always, my best to everyone.

xoxoxox
2T

[2Times2Many]

I think I've had enough. I think it's time to walk away from this mess.

I went to an employee's birthday party tonight and there were a lot of people from the office there, including the one who managed to get weed for H a couple of trips back. I'll call him Joe.

I had an opportunity to talk to Joe, one on one with no one else around, and asked him if H had asked him to try to get anything other than weed. Joe said yes ... ecstasy. I was actually expecting him to say coke, so ecstasy was a shocker. Joe said he waited a couple of days and told H he couldn't get it (which was true - he wouldn't even try).

Joe also said he was peeved because he knew H lied to him about some other issues. (Joe is young and is one of the most honest and giving people I think I've ever known ... a delight and someone I'd be glad to call "son.")

Joe was on the verge of breaking up with his long time gf (and eventually did) when H was here last time. He said H was giving him "advice" and talked about his (h's) gf as though it was just a normal thing and Joe already knew about it. Of course Joe knew nothing about that.

Joe said he couldn't understand what was wrong with H and that I didn't deserve to be treated the way H was treating me.

So, once again, H can't even show me enough respect as to keep his adultery discreet in front of our employees. What the h3ll is wrong with this guy? That was the most difficult thing for me to get through last time ... finding out that all our employees knew he was cheating on me and I didn't have a clue. I felt like such a fool.

And this time I'm trying to "protect" H's reputation in front of his employees by keeping the new OW to myself and he's doing the same chit to me again ... making me look like a fool.

The other thing that has been going through my mind since H left last time was the possibility that he was using coke, as I mentioned above. He had a runny nose nearly the whole time he was here (said he had a cold, but had no other symptoms) and said he was having a problem with nose bleeds. He also had burst blood vessels in his eye several days, which he said he couldn't explain when people would ask if there was something wrong with his eye.

So H lies, not only to me, but to employees and probably everyone else who crosses his path. He is a manipulator who is trying to manipulate me into continuing to enable his frat boy lifestyle. He's a serial adulterer and has no problem in announcing it. And he's into illegal drugs. He is a scum. I have zero respect for him and absolutely no sympathy.

I deserve so much better than the SOB he's become.

I don't want him in my life. He's become toxic. He is destroying his life and I have no intention of letting him take me down with him. He didn't just press the self-destruct button, he pounded his fist on it and there is no fricking way I'm letting him destroy me too.

So sad. He was once a really good guy. I don't know what happened to him, but at this point, I think he's too far gone. I no longer think it's a case of MLC and he's going to work it out on his own. He needs serious therapy (which he won't get). He has serious issues and I don't need them to be my problem. I think it's best for me to get out with what I can while I can, because he will eventually destroy everything he's built and me too unless I do something to protect myself.

So the plan is to get my legal ducks in a row and proceed. It isn't where I wanted to go and it won't be an easy task, but this has to end. I've reached the end of my rope and I have to look out for me. I can't imagine ever having a R with or trusting H again. He's lost and it will take higher powers with more patience than me to save him.

I've stood by him, given time and the benefit of the doubt (over and over and over). I give up.

[mleigh4]

I'm sorry to hear this 2T. To find out drugs are in the mix confirms that your H is making some terrible choices. It's his world, it doesn't need to be yours.

I agree that stepping back and away from this is a good idea. Make sure you are protected first and foremost. Don't make any rush moves or decisions. Take some time to step back, get your ducks in a row, then....take some time to let things settle. Emotions are high right now with his visit and leaving....my advice is to take some time to let it settle. My biggest life lesson has been to not make decisions or say anything when emotions are high....

Sending big hugs. It's been a bit of a whirlwind for you lately. I hope things settle enough for some answers to come your way.

[Sotto]

Hi 2T, I'm sorry to hear that and having that conversation must have been hard for you. I can understand how you feel and I would agree with MLeigh - take protective measures and separate your life from his as you need to. Whether that includes filing for D is of course up to you and I would let things settle before you are clear on your path.

You have been here for a while and stood for your M for a number of years in adversity and so I can understand if you feel it is time to close the door. The main thing is that you feel at peace within yourself about any decisions in the longer term. That's always my measure now...

Take care my friend ((((2T)))) xx

[2Times2Many]

Thank you, M and Sotto. I don't intend to do anything rash, but it's time to start doing something to bring all this to an end. I took steps a long time ago to protect my savings, etc. from H. The only issue that remains is getting out of the business and I need to find legal counsel for that as I've done enough research to know that I don't know enough and it requires more than H just handing over a check for my half.

I know it sounds like the knowledge I gained last night "set me off" but in reality, I've been thinking that this is the direction I need to go for the past couple of weeks. Last night was just sort of a catalyst, I suppose, to motivate me get up and start making things happen.

You ladies used the right words. My life has been a whirlwind for 3 years and I've reached the point where all I want is peace.

Bright gave me some advice several months ago. She said when considering whether or not to do things for her H, she always asked herself if she could live with it and was it the right thing to do?

I've taken that a bit further and have often asked myself if I initiated the D, could I live with it and was it the right thing to do? Until H's last visit, I could never answer yes to both questions. Now I feel like it's the right thing to do (for me) and I know I can live with it because I know I've done all I could to try to save my M.

I've known all along (as we all do) that I couldn't "fix" H or help him through all this or "save" him. But I always continued to care for him and wanted what's best for him, even if he didn't seem to want it for himself. I've tried to "lead" by example and show him the right way to treat people by how I treated him (with the exception of a few meltdowns). I've tried to have compassion and empathy and understanding and patience. I've done everything I could to keep his business from suffering as a result of his neglect.

But after H's last visit I realized that I'm tapped out and I just don't have the energy or desire to do any of that any longer. There just aren't any feelings there for H anymore. There's no compassion or empathy for him. I can't even say there's love for him. I don't hate him and I'm not angry with him. It's like I'm dead inside when it comes to him.

Anyway, in spite of the conversation with "Joe," the party was enjoyable and I met some new folks.

All I have on the agenda today is some laundry so I think I'll use the rest of the time to pamper 2T. I think she deserves it.

[job]

You've been given excellent advice...step back and give yourself a bit of time to digest and allow the anger and disgust to fade away. You've been here quite a while and yes, you've been dealing w/someone who has a lot of issues to resolve and he's not getting better, but worse, i.e., the drug use, etc.

Get out the yellow pages and start looking for a lawyer who deals w/business/corporate arrangements. He/she will be able to provide you w/advice that will assist you in getting untangled from the business. I know that you aren't doing this as a knee jerk reaction because you've been thinking about this for quite a while...so...write down your questions and make an appointment w/a lawyer. Do not share this info w/your spouse or anyone at work for the time being.

I'm very sorry that all of this has come to light at a party...but info does tend to fall into our laps when we least expect it. I do hope that you were able to enjoy some of the party after all of this.

Bottom line, protect yourself and your finances. There's nothing you can do to help him.

[mleigh4]

I understand all those feelings you have come to. Being on the same timeline, we seem to also be in the same place of knowing we have done all we can do. After 3 years, I think you have taken time not to rush anything and I am super proud of you for that.

I am so glad you have already taken the steps to protect yourself financially. Sounds like you are ready to take that next step and talk to someone about stepping away from the business. It must be a real tie with your H that makes it hard to completely detach? Sort of like my S for me....

I totally support you in your choices. You are a fighter and survivor and I admire your strength you have shown over the last year's. Enjoy your pamper day! You deserve it!

[HaWho]

2T - whatever decisions you make, my hat is off to you. (It always has been!) You have stood not just once but twice; that is amazing! You have tremendous loyalty within you.

I have no further advice to add to what has already been given. None of us here can believe something like this could happen to someone to whom we once entrusted so much of ourselves. It is sad to see someone your h's age applying all of these 'methods' within his life. All you can do is make the best choices for you. And thank goodness you have the ability and wits to do that in a logical fashion. We all see the alternatives and they are quite ugly.

I just think you, certainly, can hold your head up high.

Enjoy the R & R.

[2Times2Many]

Thank you Job, mleigh4 and HaWho for stopping by. You have no idea how much I appreciate all the support I get here.

I feel like I've been walking around in a daze since Saturday night. This whole thing just seems so surreal to me. If someone had told me 10 or 15 years ago that I'd be where I am today, that H would be doing what he's doing today, I would have told them they were as crazy as a loon. I guess we never know what life will throw at us.

I contacted an attorney today that deals with business issues. The secretary said she'd call back tomorrow to set up an appointment. If I don't hear from her, I'll move on to the next one on my list.

This whole thing is really frightening to me. When I "threaten" to end H's fantasy lifestyle, he's going to come out with both guns blazing. Given his propensity to uncontrollable anger, I'm actually somewhat afraid of the repercussions I'll have to face. It won't be amicable.

I haven't had much contact with H since he left. He calls into the office and we talk, but I try to keep it strictly business. He's ventured into other minor issues, like a movie he saw, but I try not to engage too much when answering.

And I stopped wishing him a pleasant day or weekend. That's really hard for me to do. He always ends with "hope you have a great day" but every time I responded in kind, I always hung wondering if I just wished him a good time with OW. So I stopped doing it. The end of our conversations are very awkward for me. I'm not like that. I'm usually pleasant and nice to everyone ... even the checkout gal at the grocery store. It's not my nature to do otherwise. But I think being nice to H just feeds his belief that he can manipulate me into doing what he wants me to. Oh well.

I have the rest of the week off, so I'll be doing for me with no "have to do's" on my agenda ... a lot of time to focus on me and help me get my bearings once again.

{{{HUGS}}} to everyone.
2T

[2Times2Many]

Oh, forgot this one. H changed his WhatsApp status to "Wide Awake." I'm not sure what he's awakened to, but that's the kind of cryptic "message" that I find unsettling. So sad what we've come to.