My first foray into internet forums... it's amazing what living with MLC can drive you to!
Having looked at many forums, and read many stories, I have ended up here because although I need to survive this, I also want to save our relationship (if that is possible). Very briefly we have been together 20 years, although have never married. Have no kids, but a very large dog. A beautiful home and what, until he dropped "the speech" on me 15th July 2012, I believed to be a happy relationship. However it would appear I was wrong on that account (according to him) and I now live (occasionally) with a strange alien. That is until we sell our home. Amongst the many weird and wonderful things he has said and done over the past months, the one constant has always been... " sell the house, give you some money to start again, and I will be happy... " or variations of the same thing.
I am certain I can learn so much from you all here, I have read some of your stories/advice BUT whilst a divorce is not on the cards, saving our relationship is. My problem today is the following...
He has insisted from day one that we sell the house and go our separate ways. I am assuming (rightly or wrongly) that this is his version of our "divorce", the house is the one thing that is holding us together legally. Whilst I resisted initially I (having read all your advice) stepped back and let him go ahead listing the property, hoping that in this economic climate it would take so long to sell we may have time on our side to get through this. I was wrong. He is still deep in MLC and we have had an offer on the house. My problem is this - he is willing to accept a low offer on the house to get rid of it quickly and to get this "thing" over with so he can move on. He says it wont affect how much I get, but I find it difficult to "give" our home away at less than the market value. He is willing to walk away with nothing just to be able to walk away - even though he is spending money we don't have like its going out of fashion. Should I just go with the flow - is it the MLC that will stop me being able to reason with him? I also worry that once the sale goes through that "we" will be over. I will move back to be near my family (who are 100's of miles away) and he plans on staying here with his new 'friends'.
I could go on and on and on... but this seems very long for a first post, and could get confusing (just like my head!!).
Welcome to the board. You will meet great people and get great advice. Now I am not a veteran but I would say your first step is to breathe, calm down and slow down. From my experience MLCers are always in a hurry to get things done their way. They don't want us to have any say and they want to call the shots.
Someone will be along shortly to give you some pointers.
In the meantime sit tight and don't sign or agree to anything.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Cadet should be along soon to post his standard "welcome" message.
You would do well to speak with a lawyer, even though you are not legally M. It could depend on how common law would deal with the disentanglement properly and there may be more than just the sale of the home at stake.
As you've been reading other topics for a while, pick up the DR book and set yourself on a path of growth and detachment through GAL and 180s and becoming an even more awesome woman that only a fool would leave.
Had a bad day yesterday. He had called into the house on Tuesday night - didn't stay like he usually does - but said he would be back at the weekend for the house viewings. Would ring me wed to confirm details and if he couldn't call would email. Well, as I should have expected, no calls and no email BUT I did receive notice in the mail that he is now having he post re-directed!! Where too?? No ideas. I have also discovered that during the short time he was in the house he took his passport.
Why is it that it can be the silliest of actions that upset you the most? Particularly when they are done with out discussion and behind your back.
I was very weepy this morning and felt such a failure. I have failed in this relationship and I am failing to be able to fix it...
Coming home and finding I had two replies to my first post helped - so thankyou so much for finding the time for me.
I am royally p!ssed off... Having managed to "forget" to call me as promised regarding arrangements for this weekend - when he is supposed to be here for house viewings I come home to "urgent" message from him on answerphone. Weekend open house is off (no-one told me) but they have a couple who want to view the house tomorrow morning at 0930. He can't make it as he has now promised to be elsewhere with his "friends". Can I sort it out. Unfortunately I am too busy to call anyone back at present.
I am doing a first for me today - the school run!! Is this GaL?? Mmmnn, probably not, but it is doing a good friend a favour. I am soooo glad I don't have children to consider during his crisis. Its hard enough for me to understand and come to terms with. Reading some others sitch makes me feel quite lucky in some bizzare way.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
HI All Alone, it would be good to know a bit more about why you think your H is in MLC etc. That way some of the vets on her can help you out a little more. So maybe some info on your background, what you are doing for yourself, how you have handled things up to now.
Selling the house is not necessarily the end of the road. It may seem it, but from what I have read sometimes its not until that happens that the MLCer starts to see what they are missing.
I am not speaking from experience, I have all of this still to come and face myself. But detaching is the key. I'm getting there, and it does help get through the craziness.
Keep posting and you will soon get off of moderation.Take care of yourself.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
I wanted to stop by to say hello and also say a few things...
First of all, I know it may feel like it, but you are not all alone. There are many wonderful people here to listen to you and support you. MLC can be very overwhelming - please don't feel like you have to face it alone.
The other thing is that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself and and see yourself as a "failure". And while we are all imperfect as people and as spouses, we can't shoulder the blame for our spouses' choices.
If your H is really in MLC, there is no fixing the R till he fixes himself - and that couid take years, if ever.
Instead of worrying about fixing the R, focus on bettering yourself. Not for your H or in the hopes that he'll return, but for you. Work on being the best you can be.
Keep us posted as to how you are doing/feeling
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
