When I had lunch w/ H a few days after my M died, I gave him a copy of her obit. He asked about my travel plans for the services, and I freely gave them to him. He then uncomfortably mumbled that, well, he didn't have to care for our dog while I was gone anymore. It seemed to me that he suddenly realized that he needn't or shouldn't have asked about my plans.
A week or so later, I learned that H had written a thoughtful condolence letter to my B and SIL (and, I learned this week, to my other B as well), and in an email to H about other matters, I passed along their thanks at their request, and added my own.
Fast forward to 10 days ago. H emailed about our shared seat at an event last weekend "Will you be in town for this?" If he had remembered our convo, he would have realized that I would be leaving for my M's funeral. I admit I was a bit hurt, but I responded simply "No, I will be out of town." Two nights later -- the night before I left -- he texted about a matter, and we bantered back and forth a bit. Again, no mention of my trip, and it seemed that he had forgotten.
So I left without H's usual "safe travel" message, met Ds there, and buried my M. Ds left, and I stayed for T'giving. TG afternoon I received an email addressed to me and both D's wishing us a Happy TG "under the circumstances." This was the first time since our S 2 years ago that H addressed anything to the 3 of us together. I merely note it. He did not forget about my trip, only the details, and at least he thought kindly of us for a moment or two. I replied simply "Thank you."
Beginning of reconnection? Maybe, maybe not. I am not assuming, expecting, analyzing, concluding or anything else. It is what it is and that's all that it is (apologies Popeye). I have plans with Ds for Christmas, my B and SIL have invited me to join them at their winter home in January, and I have 3 other trips already planned for 2011. And then there's D's wedding, which will be a trip of its own LOL. Much to look forward to. Hope to keep up this PMA. Roller coaster indeed!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Twink, I'm very sorry to read about your mother's passing.
Mlcers do not deal well w/death and the emotions that are involved. However, I do have to hand it to your h....he at least sent a letter to your family during this time of sorrow. Their sensitivity button is in the off mode during the crisis and they do not realize how they come across, i.e., just as a teenager would do by asking about the seating at an event while you are trying to make arrangements, etc., for your mother's funeral.
Also, around the holidays, they do tend to come out a bit more than normal. But once the holiday is upon us, poof! They disappear. It's usually the norm for them. I'm not making excuses for their bad behavior, but it appears that many of them do this.
Twink, take care of yourself. Plan your holidays around you and your family. Your h is missing out on many milestones and family events....it's his choice. Do what is best for you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Twink, take care of yourself. Plan your holidays around you and your family...Do what is best for you and your family.
Thank you, snodderly. I am doing just that.
It was a difficult week, but I handled it well, I think, and am satisfied with the example I set for my Ds. I can feel a little breakdown coming, though, after being in such control for the last few weeks. I will do it in private, and I know I'll be back on my feet in short order.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Twink - I'm so sorry to hear about your mom passing...must be a very difficult time for you...take care of yourself and surround yourself with people that love you if you can....
(((((hugs)))))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Twink, It's understandable if you have a little breakdown...you just lost your mother. It's okay to feel the pain and cry or be sad. You can't always put on the happy and strong face....you are only human.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mila -- I was surrounded by my family's love last week, but am now home, and with H and Ds and pup gone, it's pretty lonely. The change is quite dramatic. It makes me realize, yet again, how important my family is to me, how grateful I am for what is left, but also how sad I am for what is lost.
Snodderly, your calm and confident words always comfort me. I am caring for me, first, and then my Ds. It's a new way of thinking for me, but I know it's what I need to do right now.
IB, thank you for caring about me when you are going through so much. I know you are struggling right now, and all I can say is that we've all been there. Resolve to manage one minute, then 10, then 30, then 60...soon it will be one day, one week, one month. You can do this!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
H came by last evening, after calling first, to drop off wild game for my freezer. As usual, we shared a hug hello. We talked for a while in the garage, then I asked him in. He accepted, locked his car and closed the garage door behind him. I offered him a drink, and over most of a 2l of bottle of wine, we talked for almost two hours. No R talk. Mostly about kids, his work, my work, our families. I had a chance to thank him for his letters to my brothers after my mother's death. When he brought up his mother, who is really doing quite well in her late 80s, I sympathized with the sadness he was feeling about her slight decline. I also suggested that he focus on how much she still has rather than on what she was losing (as I am trying to do, but I didn't tell him that!). It was an emotional discussion for him, so I did my best to stay calm and supportive, telling him that I would be there for him when her time came, and I will. He needed to leave then, which I understand, and we shared a long and very intense hug goodbye. I told him again that I would be there for him, and he replied that he "would be easy." I looked him in the eye, and with a smile said "No you won't. Nothing with you has ever been easy." We both know that is true, but I will accept 2 x 4s for the guilt it may have caused. He didn't seem at all fazed by my comment, though. I asked him to text me when he got to his place. He did, and I thanked him.
H will disappear for a while now, I suspect. That's OK, though very hard after such a connection. I can see he is still gone, in spite of it. I will continue on with my GAL activities -- Ds, MIL, friends, the holidays, D's wedding plans, job, skiing, tennis, hobbies, trips -- much to keep me busy!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
No 2x4s from me. Sometimes we know when the time is right to just say a little something extra. Doesn't sound like it fazed him so I think your instincts were correct. You sound good. Keep up the good work and keep on enjoying life!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
