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#2213561 01/17/12 08:03 PM
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Today hit me like a ton of bricks.

I realized that somehow aquired poor listening skills when I am off the job. When someone talks to me a response pops into my head and I am too busy with that, rather than listen to the rest of the story. I am sure that this has played a big role in my M deteriorating.

Combine that with a know it all attitude and no wonder W would not want to be with me.

My new goals for the next week is to:

1. Make eye contact when talking to others.

2. Shut up and listen and then listen some more.

3. Hold back on fixing things and only fix things when asked.


Silence is golden. Time for me to be golden.


M:35
W:33
M: 5 yrs.
Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10
D Final: 8/7/12
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Great goal! And great observation about yourself.

I am working on not being a fixer, too!

I have become a much better listener in the past few months. Amazing what a difference it makes.

Hand in there!


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
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It's funny and yet a little disappointing that I have to figure out the reason for the DBing rules the hard way instead of just following them (refering to the listening part).

I guess that is what makes me human though.

Most people tend to learn from making mistakes in their life, I just wish that I would learn from reading and seeing other's mistakes.

Looking back I could see the signs, but was so blinded by her overeacting to very small matters. But that is not an excuse, just an explaination to what went wrong. The important thing is that I change my behavior now.

I am tired of having the "responsibility" of being the "smart guy."

I put myself in that role and now it is time to retire it.


M:35
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Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10
D Final: 8/7/12
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Today has been a good day! I was able to talk to W over the phone,(she called, regarding D's 18 month checkup appointment) and I had no expectation and there was no fighting.

I just shut up and listened and I answered when asked a question. Now the trick will be to be able to do that when she is spewing.

Oh well, baby steps.


M:35
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D Final: 8/7/12
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I have been noticing lately that I haven't been taking good care of myself. I've had this cold for the last 3 months, have increase my consumption of Diet Coke, and have been wasting a lot of time at work. I am procrastinating at work to get my notes and assessments done and find myself on the internet a lot.

As for home, I have been procrastinating getting my life in order.

I feel really tired because I am still having sleeping problems due to D waking up crying or my mind racing at 3 am. If i take sleeping aids I won't be able to wake up for D if she needs me.

I have decided to start to put my nose to the grindstone at work and at home and be proactive again.
Time to clean the office up and clean the house.
Time to go to bed early when D does and give myself some much needed rest.


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It's about time.....

slacker


: )

Mach1 #2214400 01/20/12 07:53 PM
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I made an awesome change at work today. Here's the story:

I drove an hour to a client's home to so therapy. I was teaching him parenting skills while we were also watching a video for examples. This client has been on and off with me for years. Anyway, I start hearing snoring and I look over and he is out cold! This has happened before.

The funny part is right when I noticed this the video says that "Actions speak louder than words" in reference to setting healthy boundaries with children.

I asked myself what can I do different this time around? I am tried of taking more responsibility of their problems than they do.

I then asked client "Are you awake?" in a fairly loud voice. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" was all I got.

I then quietly got up and got the video from the DVD player and left. I figure I have better things to do with my time and he must really need his sleep.

The difference for me is that I am not really frustrated or angry with the guy like I normally would be. He is only hurting himself.

When I got back to the office I had a very appologetic message on the answering machine and he was thinking that I was going to close services. I just told him that it looked like he needed sleep more and did not say anything further about it. I got him set for 2 sessions next week to make up for time lost! That is hard to get them to do normally.

I realized that the reason I would not use this approach before is that I was afraid that the client might "fire" me, but that is neither helpful to him nor a productive use of my time. This has been a long standing problem for me to be "quiet" and not use action for personal boundaries.

That won't happen anymore. People can adapt to my schedule, not vice versa. I am there to help them and be supportive, they can call at any time, but as for sessions, unless it is an emergency, they can adhere to my schedule.

Heck doctors can get away with it, so why can't I?


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D Final: 8/7/12
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ARRRRGGHH! I stepped in the bucket again!!!

W called me at 9 am this morning (Knowing that I worked until 3 am) to tell me that I had to watch D tomorrow night because she made plans. 2 weeks ago we were hemming and hawing over what day would be our alternating day and when I made the suggestion she blasted me.

So I decided to go with the flow and let her hang herself. Now she is claiming that we agreed on my plan and that I have D tomorrow. Trouble is I work until 10 pm and she has bedtime at 8 pm. I have no one to sit for me.

I guess what ticked me off was that she called 1 hr. before I was going to see her to pick up D anyway, so why call? Also the short notice really burned me.

The funny thing is she claimed she didn't get my email agreeing with her plan, but if not, then WHY WAS SHE CALLING ME??? smile

I will not argue over who emailed who, because I have in the past and it is pointless. I will pick D up with a smile, be brief, and leave.

I will do better next time to control my anger and spewing.... I have to.


M:35
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M: 5 yrs.
Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10
D Final: 8/7/12
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Today is a pretty tough day.

I had to e-mail MIL regarding tax preparation for this year (she used to do our taxes). I informed her that we are filing separately and I will use my own tax preparer.

What hurts is that she replied that she misses me, but hopes "this gets settled soon." This is also the same woman who gave W money for "her half of the divorce."

I know I shouldn't let this bother me, but it does. I feel like I am also losing a family as I got along great with the in-laws. I feel like they are giving me mixed messages as they stated before they are pro-marriage and will stay out of the mess, but then give her full support to end it and say that they miss me.

I guess I can't blame them for loving her and supporting her, but it still hurts to lose them as a family.


M:35
W:33
M: 5 yrs.
Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10
D Final: 8/7/12
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Posts: 330
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Question for you all. Does anyone else have dreams where they are very angry and want to beat up others such as brothers or OM/OW?

I have been having these dreams lately and it disturbs me. I really have more anger at W and myself at this point than OM because I know that the problem lies between us two.

But I still wake up to these dreams with heart pounding and then i can't sleep for hours.


M:35
W:33
M: 5 yrs.
Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10
D Final: 8/7/12
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