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Hello again to everyone.
I will just jump right in.
Some of you know that I have been dating a guy for over two years now. I started dating him 8 months after my divorce.
He is 39 and has no kids and was married once for 8 mths and she cheated. He is very independent and has been on his own since 18.
He is a very kind hearted man but can also be Controlling.
He has moved quite a bit in the past, taking promotions (gov.). He has only stayed in one state for over 3 yrs. and that was the state I am in.
He bought a house in my hometown after about a 8 mths of dating. I moved in with him about a yr. ago.
He had/has a hard time adjusting to living with someone. He enjoys his space to an extreme. (He is an introvert).
He took a promotion back in July of this year and moved 15 hours away and only comes home every 3 or 4 months.
Mst of the time I deal ok with it. I keep busy and try to not think about him being so far away.
He, on the other hand, is fine with it. He is used to long distance relationships and as long as he sees me 3 or 4 mth. at a time, it works for him.
My fear is nothing will change. He has NO idea when and if he will get to come home and maybe he will have to move even further away. He isnt ready to marry and neither am I really. he isnt staying in the state he is in, so I am not moving there and he doesnt want me to unless i get my own place. He feels like we should have never moved in together and doesnt want to again unless we are married. He says he is just mot ready for that.

I really dont know what to do. There are times, like tonight, on the phone with him, that I want him to tell me if he is coming home soon, but he cant. I dont want this to go on forever. Not knowing is miserable. At any time he could move even further away. I dont want to push him and ask over and over gain. What do I do? Just sit back and wait on him to come home or move further away?

Maybe I let myself get into a relationship too soon after my divorce. I dont think I gave myself time to heal.
I love this man and dont want to be hurt again.
I just want to be happy.

Renee


_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
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Honestly I DONT want to be alone. I am not one to be happy alone.
I feel like I am so stuck. Not happy with relationship the way it is, but yet I dont want to lose him.


_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
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Renee,

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you never truly healed from your divorce. 8 months certainly didn't give you enough time to recover from a M that lasted 20 years.

Have you truly looked at the issues that makes you have to have someone so much so that you'll put up with a man that doesn't sound like he's really that into you?

To me, you sound very needy. I would believe to a man like your BF that it would drive him further away. Have you tried just going dark with him? Letting him do the contacting? What about GALing? What do you do for yourself as far as filling your time?

TBH I would agree you are stuck and just spinning your wheels. Why do you not feel you deserve more from a R than what you're getting from this man?

Have you always been an avoider? Sounds like you use bandaids to cover what you really don't want to look at and deal with. You won't ever be truly happy with someone else until you do the work and can be happy with yourself.

Hang in there. The good news is is that it is never too late to start taking care of you for you.

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I agree with seeking, I think it sounds like you're staying in a relationship that frustrates you and perhaps only causes moments of happiness or bits and pieces of security because you see the alternative is being alone and you don't want to be alone. This is probably why you got involved when you did.

I don't LIKE being alone ALL the time but there are times that are really good, and that I really enjoy it, but back when I was first estranged from XH it was horrific. I couldn't conceive of going a week alone, let along far over a year.

I think this is something you have to learn to do or else you'll just keep "running", meaning that if this rel. ends, you'll just find someone else to be with to keep you from facing the alone time.

When you say things like "I am not one to be happy alone" you have already decided for yourself that it is impossible for you to be happy unless you have a man in your life. As long as that's your feeling, you're right, you won't be happy. I'm not saying that having a man in your life is a bad thing at all, but you have one and you're still not really happy because he's not the type you want, yet I suspect if you had what you wanted, someone who was more close to you/more needy, you'd be very codependent with him, which isn't good.

I think you should take the time that you have apart from him to work on trying to find ways to get to that level of peace or security or even happiness/joy by yourself. Just a thought :-)


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Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
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Originally Posted By: sunshinelewis

He is a very kind hearted man but can also be Controlling.


Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone like this?

Ask yourself that.

I understand, in that my wife is also very controlling, but you are at the ground level building up.
Does not sound like a very stable foundation that you are starting from.

To EXPECT him to change is not a very good idea.
He won't!
So you either accept the way he is or not.

Maybe you should re-read the pursuit and distance articles again.

Sounds like you are pursuing him.
Depending on him.

Sorry that is my .02


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Controlling? I see no examples of it.

I see him moving around alot, did you know this going in?

As an exterme introvert who needs alot of space...you're looking to change him?

I don't know Lewis.

You love him and you don't want to be hurt.

Well if you love him why do you want to change him?
If he loves you well compromise comes into play here.
Not wanting to be hurt? That's not part of life and certainly not part of love.

Did you heal? Not sure. No one (not many people) want to be alone, but the idea of being able to thrive on your own is a good goal to have.

If it turns out you NEED someone to be happy then...it becomes a problem of codependancy, and that isn't healthy for you or them.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Dont have much time to write right now.
Thanks to all of you for your advice.
HOW to I turn this around? HOW do I stop pursuing?
He knows or thinks I am going nowhere.
I dont want to be that predictible.
What do I do?
I will check in tonight and write more.

Renee


_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
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Lewis,

When he isn't around what do you do with your time?

Are you filling it or are you calling him, or waiting for him to call you?

Take a class, go to school, volunteer, work out...

Improve your life, and in the process you won't be just hanging around for him; and he will notice that.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Hi Lewis,
I can appreciate the fear of being alone and just feeling "lonley". It is the most empty and awful feeling. At times I've felt so alone, that against my truest wishes I had really thought about getting into some empty rebound relationship, just to help soothe the pain and fill the void.

But then I got to thinking. I realized that the best gift I could give to myself was to be able to be OK with being " alone" and not in a relationship. If I can do that, then I know I will be ok with myself in a relationship, or just fine with myself not in a relationship. I do have my kids full time, so Im never truly alone. But I am lonely for companionship. Of course if you're hurting and still reocvering from a Divorce.... well you're still VERY raw for at least a year, but probably alot longer for some.

It sounds like your mate is emotionally unavailable. This is of no fault of your own, please understand that.

A long distance relationship with someone that's emotionally available can be much more rewarding than being in a full time relationship with someone that's emotionally UN AVAILABLE.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
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Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
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Hell-ck,

With two boys and a wife, as strange as it sounds? I VALUE my alone time now.

Wow...what a total difference from a few years ago.

We end up wanting what we no longer have. We are pretty stupid creatures that way. : )Well...I am.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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