Not sure where to start.....I have posted before and recieved so much support, and now I think my H is having a MLC. I will share my story here again breifly and please advise.
A year ago I found out my H was having a affair. It had been going on for 6 months. he had the affair because he said he wanted to have some fun and with her there was not responsiblitly. He ended it when I found out and agreed to work on the marriage. Things have been hard. He has said he is not happy and wanted a divorce 3 times and we even did a live in seperation. After the live in speration in November thing got better. Now it seems like he is not happy again. He does not want to talk to me at all about it. He said he is feeling overwelmed at work and cannot take anything else. So that leaves me with no one to talk to when I am feeling insecure. We are in counceling and she is encourging me to talk about things when I am feeling them, but my H cannot seem to handle the talks. I am not sure if he is seeing anyone again or not. I am trying to to snoop cause if he is it will come out soon enough.
As of right now he just feel very distant to me. He is home but it does not seem like he really wants to be here. I feel like he is just going through the motions.
I am trying to work on myself, but our situation seems to consume me at times. I am re reading DB and have read DR as well.
I just do not know what to do when he refuses to talk at all to me. I have decided to just leave it alone and see what happens.....
obb, You can't force him to talk to you. He sounds like he might be a bit depressed and could very well be in withdrawal of the ow...time will tell as to whether he has taken back up w/her or someone new. The best thing to do is to leave him alone and allow him to come to you, if and when, he wants to talk.
The best thing that you can do is focus on yourself, watch our bank statement and credit card bills. Have you noticed any changes in his appearance or spending habits? What about the internet usage?
I would suggest that you start going out a bit just to clear your head. Can you meet up w/some friends for a coffee, dinner or a movie? Sometimes it helps to get out and clear the cobwebs.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If your h is in mlc, there's nothing you can do to convince him to work on the marriage. Whatever happened to him a long time ago is something that you can't fix. You will pretzel yourself many times over trying to please him or make him happy...guess what? The changes you make for him right now to make him happy will be out the window tomorrow. He truly does not know what he wants right now.
I sense that his mlc may have been interrupted a while back and he's now picking up where he left off. What's been going on in his life, say the last 18-24 months? Anything change, health issues, death of a family member or close friend, job change, etc.?
Continue to watch your finances...you may even want to consider setting up your own accounts now so that you have them in place if he should begin spending like mad or bolts.
You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. The only person that you can take care of is yourself and your family. He has to face his demons and accept that he was not at fault for whatever transpired when he was a child.
Strap yourself into your seat, this will be a lengthy and winding road trip w/lots of bumps along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I am having a hard time going dark or dim when we are living in the same house and our kids know nothing about our issues.
I do not want to disrupt my kids or have them feel like anything is wrong. Right now my H is spending lots of time with the kids to avoid time with me. I have been pretty much left to myself lately.
H is telling me he is just stressed about work and needs space. Other than that he feels like things between us are good. I do not have that feeling.
So i need advice on how to go dim while still living in the same house and keeping communication open.
I do not know what to do. I just found out my husband did not end the affair he said he did. I have been made a fool for the last 6 months. He said he ended it 6 months ago. We have been in therapy and everything. We had been working on putting things back together. I have asked him to leave, and he did. I do not know what to do. He said that he does not know what he wants.
