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I have been married 16 years with no children. Recently my household has gone through quite a bit. My husbands mother became very ill and had to go on dyalisis then she had to have both her legs amputated this happened within a 4 year period. She passed about 6 months ago. During the time she was ill my husband missed a great deal of work some of it was relevant but most of the time it was not. The bills began to back up and we were falling behing on everything even the house payment.

When I saw that he wasn't going to work I would get very angry at him and tell him if this continued I was going to leave. I had creditors calling me at work I owed everybody in town. I was so embarresed. We even had to take a second and third on our home. What would make me more angry was that he would spend money we didn't have on playing cards. I was in charge of all the bills so I became very stressed out. I couldn't sleep so I would go to the other room and watch TV so I could fall asleep. So it got to were I wasn't sleeping in the same room with him. This added to our sex life detoriating.

My husband was very close to his mother she was number 1 for him. He would discuss things with her he wouldn't discuss with me. When she died I thought he would too but he actually held really good compared to others. Later on I began to notice he began to drink every weekend and my husband has never been a drinker. He also began to become very distant with everyone and a real jerk. His friends have even commented on his bad attitude. So I knew it just wasn't me.

For 4th of july weekend he went away and while he was gone my heart told me something wasn't right. He had an affair before so I noticed the signs. I tested him and told him we had become distant well I should of never said anything because he fast to pick up and leave. He claimed he needed time to see if he was still in love with me now he says it's over. That same week I found out he was talking to someone. He says he is no longer talking to her but who knows. I have begged tons of time to work things out. Today I decided that I am going to begin giving him his space. The worst part is were separated living under the same roof because of the finances. He left but when he found out I was bailing he asked if he could come back home (just to live). I was ready to leave and let the house go too. When we argue he still calls me sweetie and that really upsets me. Why call me that when you don't want me.

Should I still wash his clothes or buy his stuff? Please help!

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Have you read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy? DR especially has a game plan on how to proceed through this...

As far as washing his clothes or buying "his stuff".... I wouldn't.


Me: 50; Wife: 48
Gay; civil union in NJ
no kids
M: 15 years, together 17
Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY
W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
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Nope I wouldn't either. It just keeps them stuck.



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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I began reading DR right now and thats when I decided to stop beging him back. I am going to stop washing his clothes and doing my wifely duties. He is so mean right now it's unreal. Yesterday he called me only because he needed something and I was very brief with him. I go in my room and stay out of his way. I am not going to talk to him unless he talks to me. The other night he got ready to go out at 11:00 PM and when I saw him he says it's not what it looks like and I know it looks bad but it's business. I found out later he was DJing at a club. Which I really don't understand he is 38 years old and doing that. If he doesn't want me why does he care what I think. Today has been a real bad day for me. Thinking of asking the Dr. for some anti-depresants. I decided not to go through his pockets and cell bill because it just seems to make me more crazy.

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GIMR,

Thanks for stopping by my thread.:)

First of all, have you read the MLC resources to see if it might fit? http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

I think it is definitely harder in some ways to DB when they are around at home. It is hard to always keep up the positive attitude, etc. If it is MLC, they need space to figure themselves out so I have tried to give him as much of that as I can so he doesn't feel "pushed" out by seeking it. I don't ask where he has been/when he will be back, anything like that. Usually when he comes in the most I ask is how his day was unless it is in direct response to something he already says. I also don't follow him around. Things are more relaxed between us now so I don't leave the room if he is there or anything like that. When I am on the phone with friends when he is home I make sure to always sound happy and upbeat.

Yes, no snooping. It will drive you crazy to always be searching for something and what you find may be hard to handle.

Keep reading and it wouldn't hurt to ask the doctor for antidepressants if you feel they would help.

I do still do my H's laundry. I don't mind and I am doing mine and the kids' anyway. He also usually eats the dinner I fix (though not always with us). Again, I have to fix it anyway. I have stopped doing pretty much everything else, though. I have decided until he treats me like a wife I won't act like one.

The most important thing for you to do is to take care of YOU. Initially I think most/all of us start the DB-ing techniques to get our spouses back but soon realize they are just better for us. Try to get out of the house. Make plans with friends. Try something new you have been wanting to. Exercise. Eat healthy. Get sleep.

Take things one day at a time. The fear of the future and the unknown can take your breath away if you let it so just concentrate on the now. It will get easier, I promise. As your name suggests, let God be your rock. He will. He will give you the strength you need.

I'm fading fast here, its getting late and I can't think anymore.:) Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.


"Endurance is a testament of love."

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Whatever choice you decide to make about washing his clothes and cooking his meals, do them for the right reasons.

Do not do things out of spite, or to get back at him.

Do not be vindictive.

It is far easier to be kind and to set boundaries for yourself, then to begin daily fights with a MLC'er.

(((hugs)))


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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Thanks Trustingfaith for your response.

It's been several days now since I started DB techniques and now he actually comes home. We have also had some good conversations but unfortunately his plans are to stay separated but I haven't lost hope. I am praying everyday and began praying from the book The power of Prayer to Change Your Marriage. I am on anti's but I am so exhausted I can't see straight. I am not sure if it's the pills or the situation. Thanks for your support.

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Thank you for your response brandnewday.

Hey barely started actually coming after work. So if he continues I am going to start making food for him. If I see he doesn't eat it then at least I know I tried. I am not sure if he is comfortable with me washing his clothes. He is so hard to read and I don't want to ask. I feel like I am on eggshells.

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Another good resource is www.rejoiceministries.org

They also sell a good book called Prodigals do come home.

Daily prayer helps also.

I used to read the Power of a praying wife, it helped me to keep my focus and to keep me positive.


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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GIMR, this is definitely going to be the hardest thing you have ever done. While no one can tell you what to do, I would say that you need to lean on Him (given your name).

The other thing is that fighting for your marriage is something that is opposite from what the popular culture will tell you. In fact, most people would say you are insane to put up with what is happening. There are some excellent scriptures that you will be able to relate to in Old and New Testament. If you dont think you are in a battle like they were, then you are kidding yourself.

Praying for you.

mmf


Me:56, W:51
D:26,S:24,S:22
Married:18
Bomb 9/27/06
Separated 11/27/06
Divorced 10/6/08
Leaving it up to God
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