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Joined: Feb 2001
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sgctxok Offline OP
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from bustingout:

Quote:
1) Just a few sentence background
2) what you think you need most help with (staying on track, brainstorming solutions, setting goals, etc)

1. H basically declared he was unhappy in late 2009 early 2010.( A 'friendly' R with current OW was already in place). By June 2010 he said he felt he was too far gone Sept 2010 H' s father passes away, H moves out immediately - lived with OW before finding his own place. We plodded on, I begged, pursued, etc. H continued to deny anything but friends with OW but whole time in EA.

April 2012 he says he is done. Two weeks later in PA with OW.

H basically living in another town for work. OW with him


2. Need help with solutions, detaching, being friendly but distant. Am basically
in NC now except for brief contact re: kids, and other matters ( house, finances).


Thank you for this!!!
_________________________
Me: 41 H: 39
M11 T14
S7, D4
04/10 Rumors of OW (denied by H)
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-Rumors continue
07/11 OW/EA confirmed
21/04/12 H is 'DONE' (email)
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed

Last edited by dbmod; 07/06/12 01:47 AM.

sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
sgctxok Offline OP
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I suggest a vet who has experience with some or all experience in:

* brainstorming solutions
* detaching, GAL, LRT
* female who successfully turned around an affair situation
* female who successfully turned around MLC situation


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Joined: May 2012
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This is great, thnks! Looking forward to starting


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
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J
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Hey there Busting, if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm not a female...though I did pretty well in those other listed areas...minus the estrogen.

How are you doing on dettaching and GALing?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Jack three beans! I am so so HAPPY to have you here! Wow...Wow.... I will never forget your first post to me.

Am so excited! ( ok calming down..:-))

Thank you

Yes...got the not a female thing...no problem for me.

Detaching- as you can see from my posts and signature this has been going on for awhile. The intitial pain, disbelief, shock, depression, etc... I have been through the deepest of it for the most part. When my H told me in May he was done and was entering PA with OW, i was not surprised because I depend the better part of thebpreviois year thinking that was what happening anyway.

So...for the past six weeks detaching has been ok in the sense of I am able to not contact him without itching ( again I spent the beter part of last year finding excuses to call him) I have not initiated contact for 6 weeks. Any contact stems from him. I have not talked about the R at all. I try to be friendly and distant.

So in actions- my detaching has been ok I think. In my heart, of course I am going through ups and downs. Fear, anxiety of the future, etc. Again it is not as bad as it used to be last year where it would almost paralyse me. Also, as you might have seen, I have not seen him much. So NC and detaching have been 'easier' maybe? ( but then in my heart I freak out sometimes because I wonder if it's out of sight out of mind...)

GAL- well, I am now on summer holiday and travelling with the kids. Have been keeping busy with them swimming, museums, fishing, etc. I have also started watching my weight and exercising again. I am reading self-help books and journaling, including love languages for children to help improve my R with my children. Before I left on summer holiday I was making an effort to go out when I was invited, and entertained at home a few times without H.

Ok, srry for the lengthy post.

I really appreciate your support and time. I am super grateful.

Busting


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
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Posts: 2,595
I spent the better part of the previous year....( correction-sorry)


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
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J
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Posts: 11,646
I am trying to read through your posts. : ) actually working makes this hard, and something you should know is that I seldom DB at home, which is why I'm scarce on weekends.

Now you don't have alot of posts but it is still ab it hard at work more often than not. Also...your first few posts or even one a few weeks ago...doens't always accurately reflect where you at today.

As for doing this for about a year?

I know of people who have been LBS's for 3 years or more who weren't able to dettach or GAL...I am hoping you have a better handle on those things. : )

My first real piece of advice to you...if you think this is an MLC it is in your best interest to check out the MLC resource threads...you can even skim them, but make sure that he shares some of the warning signs.

MLC is along haul. Interestingly I think more women have the patience to see the other side of it as an LBS. Most guys are not cut out for it, my personal take on it.

So there you go...bootcamp, right? check out the MLC resources. and we can go from there...

and while I am suggesting you read those resources...read something else, stop with all the self help books...they say the same things over and over again after while...go read something fun! Go experience something stop reading book designed to basically tell you there is somethign wrong with you. : )



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
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edit -
Quote:

Now you don't have alot of posts but it is still ab it hard at work more often than not


should be Now you don't have alot of post but it is still hard to go through them at work more often than not.

yay....editting...and fat fingers.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
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do you mean where i am emotionally right now?

what i meant that i have been doing this for about a year...let me clarify--

H has been emotionally out for over a year, almost two now. OW involved for over a year if not more as EA. PA is very recent (about 6 weeks).

he left the house in Oct 2010 right after hid dad passed away, but i spent that time thinking we were working on it. I was reading, talking, pursing, pleading, etc. There were definite moments of softness from his side. times where i really thought things were maybe getting better..we would spend time together, sometimes laugh, sometimes he would stay at the house after the kids slept (he usually leaves immediately after they sleep) for a drink, etc.

but it was not the case. I guess because OW was always there.

I didnt start DB until 6 weeks ago. and i have 'accepted' in my head we are seperated.

i dont think i am detached at all. I do think i am in the process of detaching....i do know that since DB i have felt better and am in a better place than i have been ever since this all started. Heck, i feel better than i have in years in terms of learning to see different perspectives and letting go of anger and understanding more of why i behaved in certain ways.

OK i will read MLC and see if i find some of the warning signs. I have skimmed through it before and have often wondered if he is MLC ( i posted on one of the threads there once) but i will read it again with a different eye.

no problem for not being available on weekends. i am just so happy to have you here smile

i do have a book i want to read, but have not yet started. i thought i should cram in the self-help since i seem to have made such a mess of things! but i will start it tomorrow smile

thank you jack3beans.....


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
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Posts: 11,646
It's not 50 shades of Grey is it?

; P



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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