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#152200 06/19/03 08:00 PM
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Which couple is more likely to get a divorce?

The couple that seems to "fight" all of the time, or the couple that NEVER fights?

I think that the answer to that depends on the "rules of engagement".

What kind of "fight rules" do you have with your partner? Either spoken, or unspoken?

Is it ok to argue with each other at any time or place, or are there certain times and places for this to happen?

Is it ok to drag up the past, to change the subject when you feel attacked? Can you take a "time-out" and come back to the discussion later? Do you postpone it indefinitely?

What works for both of you? What things can, and do, you do so that you both feel safe to speak what's on your mind?

What has worked for BOTH of you in the past? When have been the times when BOTH fighters have emerged from the ring as "champions"?!


JJ

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#152201 06/19/03 08:47 PM
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JJ, do you think that the rules change as the R deteriorates? I never really raised my voice much at W thruout our M. Until the bomb. But now, it seems counterproductive to fight on any level.

Am I walking on eggshells unnecessarily?

j

#152202 06/19/03 09:34 PM
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do you think that the rules change as the R deteriorates?

That's a good question, J. I'm not quite sure what the answer to that would be. Again, I guess it all depends on the individual situation.

I was like you, where I never used to raise my voice much to my W thruout our M. Didn't like to do it, and felt no need to. Deep down, I think I had a fear that if I did, I would hurt her feelings, I'd be out the door, and our M would be over. I didn't want that scenario.

During our separation, I got to the point where I figured it was a lost cause anyway, and didn't much care which direction things went. So, I went ahead and yelled at her a few times, (I'm surprised you didn't hear me from where you're at!), and cut loose with a lot of things I hadn't said to her before. I felt "safe", because I knew that at this point, I had not much to lose.

It really took her aback at first, and it seemed like it didn't go well at the immediate moment. However, after a couple of days, I started getting some phone calls from her, that were of a more friendlier nature.

It seemed like my inadvertant 180 had worked!

Now, I'm not telling you that you should call your wife right now and yell at her!! What I am saying, though, is to really keep an open mind about trying some different approaches. Especially if they are things you haven't tried before. Don't count on "logic" to come up with some possible solutions, 'cuz there's not a whole lot about relationships that is real logical!

"Experiment, and Monitor Results".

BTW, this 180 of mine didn't have to be a permanent thing. We've been able to find some other ways of dealing with our "disagreements". It did get her attention, though, and helped her to realize that we were pretty dysfuntional in the way we fought, and needed to make some changes.

Did that help to answer your question at all?


JJ

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#152203 06/19/03 09:51 PM
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P.S.

I never really raised my voice much at W thruout our M. Until the bomb.

What were the results of that?

Disclaimer - The results of what you did right after the bomb hit MIGHT not be a good indicator of what works, and what doesn't work, due to the highly emotional nature of the situation. It might just be good reference material for future use.


JJ

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#152204 06/20/03 10:40 AM
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Thanks for that answer, JJ. It does help. I, too, was fearful that yelling at her would make her run. Still am. But, like you said, what do I have to lose?

After the bomb, my yelling was not so much at her as at the injustice of the world. I was mad at the OM. At the sitch. So I don't know how much was directed at her personally....tho, come to think of it, a lot was. And much damage resulted, I believe.

This is a good avenue for me to continue. I do have anger pent up still. Perhaps if I can effectively aim it at her in the right way, it will be a 180 for me. With the d negotiations starting soon, there should be some opportunities!

j

#152205 11/18/05 07:50 PM
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