I'm implementing the 180 technique of going dark, and I plan to implement acting as-if when we do see each other. My biggest worry is that he will see me as my fun, happy self and assume that I am happier and better off without him.
Ever since he dropped the bomb, he's been asking me with some regularity whether I'm really and truly happy with our M, with him, and my life in general. My answer is always the same: happiness with any of these things is fluid, but in general, I would say I'm a happy person. He doesn't ever seem to like this answer. I feel like he's looking for me to say I'm miserable so he can 1. validate the separation and the unhappiness he's been feeling and 2. find an excuse to bolt for good, as in "aha, you're not happy either, so let's just end it now." This is the basis for my implementing the acting as-if technique. I don't want to give him the evidence he's looking for. But at the same time, I think he could turn it around and find the correlation of "us before separation = allyg8r sure doesn't look/act happy" and "us after separation = allyg8r sure does look/act happy" rather than the intended purpose of liking to be around me again.
Any advice/feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Me: 30 Him: 31 M: 4 yrs; T: 10 yrs No children Bomb: 10/4/09 S: 11/16/09 D proceedings begin: January 2010
If I am acting all happy, calm, "as if" then: drumroll please: what if he comes to the conclusion that I am all happy and OK without him? (and of course, one day I will be OK without him) but in the meantime, I do want him to know that I love and miss him.
Acting happy seems to me to validate that it is OK for him to leave me--cause I am OK with that situation. But as pearlharbr said to me, he doesn't really care how I feel right now anyhow.
So I too am struggling with appearing OK; appearing strong; yet letting WAH know that I am open to reconcile should he come around to that.
Looking for advice, too!
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
I've come to realize they're selfish/self-centered when in this state (and some of them are selfish people to begin with). Some may get a kick out of seeing your misery and some may feel the guilt, on the other hand they may feel justified if you show you're having a time of your life and some may realize that the problem lies with them and not you alone (the ultimate goal).
So the best thing to do is don't show that you're either miserable or having a great time. Just act like you're OK and you're a nice person without being a door mat. No one wants someone who's too needy especially needy towards them since they're incapable of giving you love. In fact, they feel unloved and unwanted to be in this state in the first place.
Just my 2cents.
Last edited by StupidRomeo; 03/14/1005:15 PM.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Same fear - that he wants to justify ending the relationship, and if I seem content, that eases his guilt. Then again, do I want him back out of GUILT? Pathetically, I don't really know the answer to that question.
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
I think the core of your problem is that you want to manipulate him. Not only is it not effective in the long run, but it ignores the essence of what you really want - which is a happy relationship with someone who loves you.
How long will someone stay with you just because they feel guilty? And how good would that relationship be?
Essentially, people are focused on what makes them happy, not someone else. Even when they love making their spouse happy, it is because they fell good doing it.
I think the real point of going dark is that it starts you in the direction of giving yourself more of a life and allows you to focus on your needs.
If it works for your marriage it is because you become a more loveable person by becoming more independent and happier. And it allows your spouse to begin to get a sense of what life would be like without you.
Sometimes, part of the appeal of leaving is all the attention you get for it.
But the main thing is focus on yourself and make yourself a more complete person. If your spouse doesn't appreciate it, someone else will - and more importantly so will you.
divorced in 2003 Married in 12/2005 born 1948 wife born 1958 divorced in 2001
I think the core of your problem is that you want to manipulate him. Not only is it not effective in the long run, but it ignores the essence of what you really want - which is a happy relationship with someone who loves you.
How long will someone stay with you just because they feel guilty? And how good would that relationship be?
Essentially, people are focused on what makes them happy, not someone else. Even when they love making their spouse happy, it is because they fell good doing it.
I think the real point of going dark is that it starts you in the direction of giving yourself more of a life and allows you to focus on your needs.
If it works for your marriage it is because you become a more loveable person by becoming more independent and happier. And it allows your spouse to begin to get a sense of what life would be like without you.
Sometimes, part of the appeal of leaving is all the attention you get for it.
But the main thing is focus on yourself and make yourself a more complete person. If your spouse doesn't appreciate it, someone else will - and more importantly so will you.
This is an excellent way to spell this out. This helps me tremendously. I keep hoping for a reconciliation, but what kind of a relationship would it be if he never loved me in the first place in our 15 year relationship. How do you rekindle a fire that was never there for one of the parties involved? It takes time, it's hard to accept, but I know that right now I have to focus on me and that is what going dark is about. Though it's hard to go completely dark with kids involved. But I just need to keep telling myself that I need to be happy with myself!
