Of course Michele is right about interpersonal issues leading to physical distance, at least at this middle-age stage of the game, when the sexual drive isn't overwhelming like it once was.
And call me shallow and a hypocrite -- yes, 32 years ago I did agree and greatly desire to marry the sexy young woman who I knew, intellectually, would eventually grow old with me -- and no denying how she's given herself, her youth and life for our marriage, and by right deserves every ounce of my body and soul.
But the fact is, for 5 years now, this woman turns me OFF. The thought of her in sexy lingerie makes me nauseous, and I really don't want her to touch me. Other women do still attract me, even middle aged women, but as unfair and tragic as I understand it to be, cheating us both out of whatever years of physical intimacy that would have been left, since I was 55 or so, I just can't get physical with her.
Have been to many counselors, can use Cialis if I'd want to, but... perhaps I can get some good, practical advice here for the realistic situation as it stands (or droops or sags)? Thanks
You are OldDog not to be confused with another poster here that is named Old Dog, he is about 55 years old, so am I understanding that you are around 60?
What other information can you give us. Do you have children?
If other women attract you, what is it about your W that doesn't? Did something happen between you to make you dislike her on some level, or is it how she looks physically?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Thanks for the reply, Cadet. Correct, I'm 59. Yes, we have many kids, 4 still at home, and it is because of the youngest, 12, that I hang around.
What does my wife want to do? Anything. What can she do? Nothing. It's never for lack of her good intentions or her lack of trying.
She can't change herself physically or intellectually more than she tries.
We were two introverts who shyly married. The lack of communication was fine then. Although often lonely, it was also OK to be in my own world with the physical contact to make up for the distance.
I guess if she still was physically attractive to me, things would have continued the same. But at this stage, her lack of interest, or lack of understanding if she does remember to express interest, is more painful, and without the physical compensation.
What -- if we were each others best friend, if communication & understanding was great, would I then want to be physically intimate again? I anxiously read Sex Starved Marriage, figuring it would relate to this issue, but it doesn't seem to be a standard problem. It's hard for me to believe many men don't lose interest in their wives physically, EVEN if there are no relationship issues. Am I a pervert?
See my previous response regarding basic relationship issues, loneliness in marriage.
As for physically, to be crass, my wife's physique has changed over the years, so that she no longer has certain physical assets which still interest me when viewed in other women, regardless of age.
But again, it's hard for me to believe I'm unusual in this respect, and so I hope there is some secret key I'm missing to at least turn the physical magnet on again.
Perhaps if I got drunk or otherwise out of my normal head in order to be intimate with her? Hopefully there's another way.
It's hard for me to believe many men don't lose interest in their wives physically, EVEN if there are no relationship issues. Am I a pervert?
I think that it more than likely happens a lot more than is advertised, however do I think that you should have an affair or divorce?
Ermmm - NO!!
Maybe I miswrote my initial question, I was really meaning is your wife a willing participant in sex?
It sounds like your romance and hormones are dead.
Would this be better with someone else? My guess is that initially - YES - long term - NO, you would cycle back to the same issues that got you here in the first place. You would in the process destroy your family, your children's family and futures.
Sorry I don't believe in divorce.
So I guess I was also asking are the two of you willing to SPICE up your life? Sounds like you need some excitement put back into it.
I'm still a little mystified, do you mean you feel your W has not aged well so she's not physically attractive to you anymore?
As a woman, what makes me want to ML to my H is warmth, communication, affection, and the light in his eyes when he looks at me. I know for him, it's the sight of my boobs.
Seriously, are all men that visual? Or is your situation the downfall of not investing emotionally in the M, so you now have nothing to fall back on? Not having private jokes and shared fun? Do you go out dancing with your W? Do you go to the movies or a concert together? What have you done to put the fizz back in your R?
ETA: The quote is from a book about affairs by another author, and we're not supposed to post that here...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Their are men that don't have "attractive wife" as a need, and they have other "needs" that may fulfilled instead.
I am just saying in general it is a male need.
Some men don't have "touch" as a love language however I would guess that in general most men do and that translates into sexual fulfillment. Where as women would like affection as their #1 need.
Again this is generally speaking, their are exceptions to every rule.
