Intentional Abuse. Boundaries and Self-Improvement

[Surfer]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2722315&#Post2722315

New Thread - Old Thread ^^^^^^^

[Surfer]

So despite trying to drown myself with the Christmas drinks cabinet yesterday I survived and feel surprisingly spritely. Parents are staying kids are here and I have all but the present wrapping done.

I was talking to M last night saying how 'waiting for Christmas' with everything in hand is weird (I might even do the sprouts today so I can just pop them on......). W would appear in control - but the wheels would come off later on and she would build up to a spew. My family was always in control and Christmas was always peaceful. Just us 4. The odd visitor etc. W's would often be parties, drinks, busy, busy, Rush, Rush activity. It's things like this that highlight the differences and FOO stuff plays a hugh part in the unrealistic expectations of the WS IMO. I think there is a lot of looking at what 'their life should have been like' and there in lies much of the problem. The LBS has the same problem often too. It's a two way street. It is also clear from the Verbally Abusive Relationship book that my W has been a controller - manipulative and abusive to get her ways. Don't get me wrong on this we all display these traits but it's whether you apologise for them when pulled up for being sharp, harsh, grumpy (all abuse) or whether you deny, escalate etc. My family has always been forgive and forget nothing is worth falling out. Hers are grudge holders, they don't speak for years to their own siblings etc. Yes I fell in love with her and 'did' love her so much. She is different to that person now though and therefore my feelings are far more detached. Yet when I speak to her and we laugh (we did yesterday) I can see her through her fog. That person I would die for and I love and miss so dearly. But to recognise that she is gone is so hard at times. Yet that is just the simple matter of fact a fact I would be wasting time and energy denying. I didn't even buy her a Christmas card this year - one from the kids and some cost PJ's from them. But nothing from me - 180!

Hey. It Christmas. The future is around the corner and you know what, all this aside, doesn't it look like a place with amazing potential.....

Merry Christmas

Surfer.

[Jug]

Good insight surfer. Merry Christmas to you!

[PsySara]

Surfer,

It is my prayer that this is the springboard for an authentic and joyous life for you. You have done amazing work on yourself, shown a lot of insight and have faced some hard truths. You are an amazing man and it's my privilege to have you as my internet friend. Have a fantastic Christmas!

[Surfer]

Thank you Jug. I hope you have a lovely festive season.

Awww Sara. So kind. Bless you and you your children - particularly over the Christmas period. I want to share something for you. I was talking through things with my Mum earlier. All of this has rocked her so hard. Her health has really deteriorated from the worry. Anyway she said "The way you talk about your career achievements, your pride in your success, I am proud of those things too. But what far outstrips that and makes me so, so proud is how you are dealing with things so your children are as close to 100% solid as they can be (and they are solid)."

You see Sara, I have this pride too for you. It is so hard what you are doing yet you are doing it. It's a path that only a very special person can walk and don't you forget that! Your children will look back at these days and will reflect on your character. It will give them a valuable datum when they need guidance in life.

Surfer.

[CT1118]

Merry Christmas Surfer. Take care of yourself, those Christmas drinks can help sometimes though.

[Cherry]

I need to catch up on everyone's sitches over the Christmas period. But sending lots of love to you, and I hope you and the kids have had a peaceful and lovely Christmas

[Surfer]

Thanks CT and Cherry.

Yes, but there are 'drinks' and drinks!!!! - ha ha. Now Christmas is done, I my body can recover. Really looking forward to the gym......I'm going to get my routine on before New Year!

Surfer.

[Surfer]

I am over the hump. 1st Xmas separate. Had kids eve and xmas day, W invited, no show. Parents came, never cooked a turkey before. Totally smashed it even a 80's style prawn cocktail starter (poor George Michael - I think my 80's style starter was befitting). D9 and S6 thanked me so many times for xmas, they have just been totally happy. So have I given the quantity of alcohol consumed . D6 even said "can I have my birthday here next time Dad?" If that's not a sign of my kids being totally protected and loved then I don't know what is.

If you are, like me, the LBS with a WS that rages, spews etc and you are making it through the fear and all the crap by just pushing on, know that you can do it, you will be seen for what you are doing and you will look back and smile. Why? Because you will know and your kids will know that you did not cause this but you did cause them to be protected so they could grow up as the great people they will become. They will know that because they are a reflection of you.

Surfer.

[CT1118]

That was such a great post, I mean that - last paragraph especially. Complete FK to the Yeah! Way to focus on the right things. I mean that. So much about this is like a bad picture from a smart phone...you think you are taking a picture of your family or something, but then you look at it and the camera focused on the cup on the table instead of the people. We thought the phone was smart, but it didn't do what we thought it would do. Like our WS, we thought they were smart, but they see things out of focus and we expected them to see the world as we do. They don't.

You got the right things in focus Surfer. Made my night reading this supreme positivity. Thanks.