Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 6
2
2ndTime Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
2
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 6
Hi. I'm new to this forum, although not new to DB. Back in 1999, after five years of marriage, my husband left me to move 1000 miles away with another woman. Even after all that, I wanted to save the marriage. I discovered the first Divorce Busting book, took it to heart, and after months of agonizing separation and hostility on my husband's part, I was able to reconnect and we got back together. From 1000 miles away. I fully credit Michele's advice for being able to reconcile with my husband.

So, how did I get here again 18 years later?? This time is drastically different. My husband moved out three weeks ago, and this time he has stayed nearby, and there is no OW. I'm about 98% sure of that, but time will tell as you all know. We're still talking, and I've been doing everything wrong despite knowing DB was out there for me. I've been blaming, criticizing, lashing out, guilting, begging, and UGH. I've been too wrapped up in my own pain to really focus on what I know should work. The gist of it is (and of course it's deeper and more complicated, but I don't want to write a novel), the past few years I've suffered some devastating losses that I have not recovered from.

Both parents have died. One of my best friends died. My career failed miserably. I had a major falling out with my biological family and became estranged from them. As a result, I've suffered from debilitating depression to the point where this past year or more I have turned into a shell of a person, just completely dead inside. Oh, and can I add pre-menopause into this hell? Sex was non existent, but it wasn't all on me. My husband also had some issues contributing to that. I've just been doing the bare minimum to function. Walking around like a zombie. Meds stopped working.

Rationally, I know that this separation was the wakeup call I needed. But my heart is shattered and I'm devastated. I am feeling all the horrible emotions that have been shut off for the past few years, all in a few weeks' time. I immediately started weekly counseling sessions, and I have an appointment to get my meds evaluated and changed.

I desperately want to save my marriage again. Or get to a point where I'll be okay if that doesn't happen. If I could do it once when he was 1000 miles away, can I do it again when he's nearby and more available? One area that may be tricky for me, and I do need a bit of advice on is the subject of rejection. That has been a huge issue for him. Not just sexual rejection, but in general him feeling as if I have rejected intimacy, affection, doing things with him, and things of that nature. So, how can I balance doing a 180 and withdrawing from him with it not seeming like rejection? I look forward to any insight.

So, back to it then. I need to start reading. Thanks for listening.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 24
H
HSK Offline
New Member
Offline
New Member
H
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 24
Wow - I have been reading posts and wondering if anyone makes it. It is nice to see that you did make it. It gives me hope that I will do what I need to do to change my situation, if not for this relationship then maybe any future ones. I hope you get what you want again.

I am at a similar stage of life as you. I am on hormone replacement therapy which is controversial, but it has helped me a lot. Something you may want to explore.

It sounds like you have had a tough go lately. I really hope you find some peace.

Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
Hsx...the thing is once you "make it" eventually they leave again. Usually when things arent perfect. Why would you want to be married to someone that is only committed conditionally ? (excluding infidelity and addictions...you are faithful and drug free i am assuming)

They are fair weather friends no? Look at what the postwr has been through. Losing her parents and best friend! He couldnt wait it out and be supportive? Thats what i would do.

Once they come back, they only stay as long as things are workibg out for them. God forbid life happens and there is sickness, or death, or job loss.

Whats the point of us signing up for that? If you know they arent really committed what are u getting out of it what makes him such a prize?

But i do agree with changing yoir situation for you yourself.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
Originally Posted By: 2ndTime
So, how can I balance doing a 180 and withdrawing from him with it not seeming like rejection?


2ndTime - I would say until you fix what is damaged inside of you, then you really cant focus your energy on repairing you relationship. If you do "get H back" now while you still have all of the other troubles bubbling inside of you, it just wont last.

How can you become a person that isnt a 'shell' or a 'zombie'? Please please focus on that!

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 6
2
2ndTime Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
2
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted By: JujuB


They are fair weather friends no? Look at what the postwr has been through. Losing her parents and best friend! He couldnt wait it out and be supportive? Thats what i would do.

Once they come back, they only stay as long as things are workibg out for them. God forbid life happens and there is sickness, or death, or job loss.

Whats the point of us signing up for that? If you know they arent really committed what are u getting out of it what makes him such a prize?

But i do agree with changing yoir situation for you yourself.


Not that I really feel like sticking up for my husband right now, but he hung in there for years. All of this didn't happen overnight. It was a gradual decline. All of my losses happened over a period of 6-7 years, and then my depression really took hold the past couple of years to where I couldn't function.

And right now he's trying to be decent. As well as providing financial support, which as a housewife it's only fair, he's been coming around to help with things around the house. So thankfully, I am in no rush to add a job search, and will have plenty of time to get the help I need with this depression. He definitely wants me well, whether with or without him.

Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 6
2
2ndTime Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
2
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted By: Amoafwl
Originally Posted By: 2ndTime
So, how can I balance doing a 180 and withdrawing from him with it not seeming like rejection?


2ndTime - I would say until you fix what is damaged inside of you, then you really cant focus your energy on repairing you relationship. If you do "get H back" now while you still have all of the other troubles bubbling inside of you, it just wont last.

How can you become a person that isnt a 'shell' or a 'zombie'? Please please focus on that!


Thank you! Yes, that is the priority. I have found a wonderful counselor and we agree that the main focus will be on me and not what is going on with him.

My heart is in a panic and yes, I want him back immediately. But that's a part of me that wants to go back to that dead feeling because it's a hell of a lot more familiar and comfortable than this pain I'm going through now. But rationally, I know that this separation is in reality beneficial. Make no mistake, though, I do want my marriage back.

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Amoafwl
Originally Posted By: 2ndTime
So, how can I balance doing a 180 and withdrawing from him with it not seeming like rejection?


2ndTime - I would say until you fix what is damaged inside of you, then you really cant focus your energy on repairing you relationship. If you do "get H back" now while you still have all of the other troubles bubbling inside of you, it just wont last.

How can you become a person that isnt a 'shell' or a 'zombie'? Please please focus on that!


^^^Great advice, this is exactly what was going through my mind after reading the first post. I hope the counseling helps you and they get your meds dialed in because depression is a serious illness and not something you can just pull yourself out of. Once you get that tackled and start feeling more like yourself then you can get back to GALing and DBing. I have a feeling you stand a good chance of recon after you get yourself back on track from the depression you've been suffering.

I would also suggest you just let your H know in some way that you can see the damage your depression has caused, apologize to him and tell him you are working on it. Don't try to get any promises from him or anything like that, just let him know you are working on yourself.

Good luck!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Frankly

I want to go and thump your H with a kipper. This stinks and is just awful.

At this point with your health issues and diagnosed depression the focus should be on you and healing. Extreme self care, extreme is needed. Your life is getting to you and you are down. I am not surprised with everything that is in it.


Please concentrate on you. It's important to put all your resources on you. You are worth it, a sunny day only guy lacks commitment to you.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 6
2
2ndTime Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
2
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 6
Thank you for your replies. I went to the Dr today and he's switching up my depression meds, so hopefully that'll help a good bit. He's going to set up more frequent visits for me so that I don't go down that rabbit hole again.

My husband invited me to dinner this evening. I'm in a better place mentally today, so I accepted. For the past several days, I haven't initiated any texts other than one or two that were necessary, and then stuck to the immediate subject.

And I just wanted to add that the one thing that has always attracted me to DBing is the fact that no matter what happens with the marriage, working through the steps/rules will help us to move on and be okay with our lives. Right now my focus is myself with the intent on saving the marriage, but following the tips will be beneficial to me in the long run. At least that's how it worked out for me 19 years ago.

Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Frankly

I want to go and thump your H with a kipper. This stinks and is just awful.

At this point with your health issues and diagnosed depression the focus should be on you and healing. Extreme self care, extreme is needed. Your life is getting to you and you are down. I am not surprised with everything that is in it.


Please concentrate on you. It's important to put all your resources on you. You are worth it, a sunny day only guy lacks commitment to you.

V


Thank you for the giggle. I'm not quite sure how big a kipper is, but I like the thought of thumping him with it. smile

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard