I am not new to DBing. I'm here for the second time actually. My story is not unlike many others. There were things I did that broke down our R. There were things that SO did as well. Ultimately, it ended in her giving me that dreaded ILYBNILWY speech. The rest is history. Beyond a few more logistical items, she will be completely moved out by the end of the week. So far, we are only 7 days since BD. That will be the last I see of her, with the exception of running into her by accident. She has literally decided to lease a home very close to me, so her son can continue in the same school as my daughter. It will be extremely awkward seeing her and OM at school events or in the grocery story. I don't know how well I will handle that. I have decided to go as dark as possible. I've eliminated every pictures, ever momento, every reminder from our home. I've unfriended her on social media, and her friends as well. I haven't reached out to her once since she left. I only respond to her texts, asking when she can come to remove her things. My replies are short and concise.
Now, WHY I am here? I want to heal, to grow, to understand what I hold wrong in my failed relationships, and how I can work to better myself. I honestly feel that my SO had her own flaws. She had many. The way in which she left our relationship was not acceptable. She emotionally cheated with an OM from her previous life. She is literally transitioning from the home we blended together, into a home with him and her son, so they can immediately pick up from where they left off, 4 years ago. I assume she believes he was her soul mate or something. Regardless, she says she will be happy. Thats none of my business,but I hope she is. I do love her and want her to be happy. I was willing to try, but she is gone. She is finished trying. She is moving on. I have no control over that. I have no control over her. I have no control over him. But, I do have control over me, and I want to build myself into a better person, better parent and better spouse. I have the control to do that. Perhaps this has all been a training plan, and my forever partner is still out there looking for me. Maybe she will be from my past. I have to hold hope....
Right now, I'm stuck. I am still reeling with confusing emotions of a 3 year relationship coming to and end, dispatching our blended family into different living spaces, disrupting children's lives, our families lives, our lives. It's a lot for me to deal with. I feel like I'm walking around nervously in a fog, but I don't know where I am going. I can see the shapes of people and murmurs of their voices , but it doesn't reach me. I'm depressed. I realize this is all part of the process. I am grieving. So far, I think I have worked past denial. I am no longer thinking that this a nightmare, or that it will miraculously all go away. I have also been working towards acceptance. I realize SO wasn't happy, for whatever reasons she has. They are valid. They are valid to her. I don't have to agree. I feel that I am at the point of accepting her wish to leave me, and willingness to return to her last love. I've been GAL. Yesterday I visited an old friend, turned down that offer for a beer, and spent some time petting my dog. Today, I decided to grab a shovel, post hole digger, some lumber and a level. I'm going to finish that retaining wall on my property. I think some hard work, sweat and distraction will help. My counseling starts tomorrow, and it cant get her soon enough. I NEED help. I need to get this incredible weight off of me.....
Hey swoop! Wow, I remember you from way back when! I don't remember the details of your sitch though. You were here 5 years ago, did you recon after that or start a new R? Have you been BD'd by the same woman as before or someone you started a new R with after the last one? Sounds like you're doing the right things as far as going dark and starting IC. Sorry you're back here again!
Yes, I was here back then, making every possible mistake I could. I was unable to control my anger, my emotions. I was in denial about the role I played. The marriage of 13 years ended, but on a good note, we have been able to lick our wounds, reconnect with new partners and become fully functioning co-parents. It's worked out well in the end.....This situation is a different partner, one I have been living with for 3 years. We both have younger children, her a boy, me a girl. They are 8 and 10 respectively.
Given her reasons,I understand he wish to leave. I simply didnt see it. She said the words, but the message was just lost in translation. My SO is a VERY bubbly upbeat character. There isn't a person she passes that she doesn't put a smile on her face. I think seeing that facade all the time, wouldn't allow my brain to take her unhappiness seriously. she always LOOKS happy. She fell into depression and wasn't enjoying life much (on the inside), and then OM re-enters the picture and starts making every promise under the sun to to, for recon. She decided that she truly did have a wonderful relationship with this man and didn't give him the chance he deserved. Shes a "runner" remember. She bolts at the first signs of problems. I think she believes shes going to give this "true love" a second chance and make it right. On one hand I wish her all the luck in the world. I truly do want her to be happy. On the other hand, I miss he dearly. She was truly my one. I was the happiest I have ever been during my time with her. We clicked on so many different levels
The marriage of 13 years ended, but on a good note, we have been able to lick our wounds, reconnect with new partners and become fully functioning co-parents. It's worked out well in the end.....This situation is a different partner, one I have been living with for 3 years. We both have younger children, her a boy, me a girl. They are 8 and 10 respectively.
OK, gotcha. So you started over with someone new and now she's BD'd, says she was depressed and unhappy? Did she say why?
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I was the happiest I have ever been during my time with her. We clicked on so many different levels
This doesn't seem to add up, how could you have been so happy and she was depressed and miserable?
OK, gotcha. So you started over with someone new and now she's BD'd, says she was depressed and unhappy? Did she say why?
Yes, exactly. I went into a new relationship and it started out like gang busters. We fell hard for each other and it progressed quickly. We were combing families and moving in within months. We had a breakup, that lasted 2 days, where she went to stay with her parents about a year ago. Her issue was that I was sarcastic and I had to debate every word she said. We went to counseling for a bit, and I personally feel that I made good strides in my habit of debating. I'm still a little sarcastic tho, and so is she. She also has issue with my parenting structure. She likes things on flowcharts and reference boards, Bedtime routines by the book, with no variances. She likes to "sound" very structured. In reality, shes is as scattered as I am. She just cherry picks areas she likes. That's it. That's what we had going on. In the medium, we LAUGHED a lot, hugged constantly. we did family things, we worked together, we shared, we co-parented together, and her smile and up beat personality shined 24/7. So, I didn't really get her messages, or at least the severity
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This doesn't seem to add up, how could you have been so happy and she was depressed and miserable?
I've asked myself this a million times. I simply did not see her unhappy a lot. She verbalized it to me, perhaps 3 times in 3 years, and it was short lived. She would immediately go back to her happy go lucky normal routine, and I would think I had to start making some tiny adjustment, which I HAVE. I know I have. She became picky about some of my habits, like I clench lips when I pet our dogs. It drives her nuts. The last few weeks, shes been visibly down. Partially because She lost her career a few months ago. It was in industry that she absolutely loved. It closed down, so there was no hope of continuing. She missed the people who she worked with and her students. It was a position made for her upbeat personality. With that being said, she is very financially independent, so that brought her down even more. I should have done more financially for her, but I was covering all the bills I was able. I did make a foolish purchase of go karts for our kids, and she told me that was the final thought for making her decision to leave. She just doesn't feel that I LISTEN to her, and I will own that 100% I needed to be more emotionally supportive. Flash back a couple weeks to her bumping into her ex, and texting/face timing him. When she approached me on BD the wheels just absolutely fell off. Her demeanor towards me, which is usually loving and playful flipped a switch. She hit me with ILYBNILWY, you don't make me happy. I don't feel you could ever make me happy, and I don't want to try".......That was 8 days ago. They are putting a rental deposit down on a house nearby, and he will be moving here soon. We've already broke it to our kids, and she has moved 90% of her belongings out of the home. That's my sitch. She's a beaut, Clark!
She is coming by this morning, to pack away the final things. I feel that this will "hopefully" be the last time I run into her. That's wishful thinking, considering we live in a small town, and our homes will only be a few blocks away. I wish there was some way of stopping this, getting it through her head that what she is doing, doesn't need to done. I can make my changes, and we can be happy. But, those are just tricks my tired mind is playing on me. Her level of unhappiness is obviously greater than I ever imagined. This is probably for the best. I couldn't live out my days with her, wondering when the next time wold be
Today I will start to GAL and move forward. No looking back, I am going as dark as possible to her. I have arranged some dates to get together with old friends and will occupy my time to the best of my ability. Yesterday was hard manual labor. I woke up feeling slightly better, but still numb. I have Counseling sessions starting today, where I hope I will work towards understanding where it all went wrong, and why I couldn't see or hear her cries for emotional support. I am also struggling VERY hard that she is immediately moving back in with this previous OM, so hopefully counseling will be able to work me through the trust issues and infidelity issues as well. I feel this woman I loved, has really woun dned me in a bad way with her actions. This is a tough one for me
I'm sorry you're back here but glad that you want to continue self-reflecting and figuring out your role in things. Right now, however, you're far too raw for that. Take some time to grieve and be kind to yourself and save the self-reflection for when you're in a better state.
As I'm sure you've seen, LBS's go through many phases, one of them is "My ex is mentally ill/depressed/has issues/baggage etc. etc." which places the blame for the relationship breakdown on them.
The other end of that spectrum is the LBS going through the "my ex was a saint and this was all my fault" phase, and right now you seem to be closer to this end.
Everyone in the world is dysfunctional -- everyone. We all have childhood hurts, we've all gone through some form of trauma which has damaged our psyche.
We're drawn to people who "abuse" us in the way that we're used to being abused -- people who make us feel not quite good enough, people who make us work too hard for their approval, etc. etc. We're comfortable with this treatment because it is familiar to us, we know how to cope with it, and therefore we seek it out, even though it is not healthy for us.
That's probably not a solvable problem other than to recognize in yourself why you're drawn to particular personality traits and then try to find someone who is on the milder end of whatever spectrum you're attracted to. i.e. if you like spontaneous, find that, but stop short of reckless.
For now, breathe deep and take time to gather yourself back together. Finish your fence. Everything else can wait.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
She likes things on flowcharts and reference boards, Bedtime routines by the book, with no variances. She likes to "sound" very structured. In reality, shes is as scattered as I am.
Taking the Myers Briggs class was kind of a revelation to me regarding people like that. I am NOT one of those flowchart/ document type of people, I can do that stuff but I am very right-brained and like to "go with the flow" rather than laying everything out on paper. But the class helped me understand that some people are like that because it's their personality type, and we can't sway them to be like us, rather we have to try to meet them halfway (or even more to their side).
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She verbalized it to me, perhaps 3 times in 3 years, and it was short lived. She would immediately go back to her happy go lucky normal routine, and I would think I had to start making some tiny adjustment, which I HAVE.
First, thank you for filling in some of the blanks, it helps a lot to understand your sitch a little better! The more I read the more it makes me think she's going through some kind of MLC thing. It sounds like there wasn't really anything wrong about the R, but she's just looking for reasons to find something wrong. I mean clenching your lips while petting the dogs, really? Why in the world would she think that is even worth mentioning? It reminds me of a comedy sketch I saw once, the comedian said he had to break up with his girlfriend because she was driving him crazy. It was all the breathing, just in and out, all the time, it never stopped
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Partially because She lost her career a few months ago. It was in industry that she absolutely loved. It closed down, so there was no hope of continuing. She missed the people who she worked with and her students. It was a position made for her upbeat personality.
Ahhhh, yes I bet that was a huge contributing factor. Obviously that's not your fault, but a lot of times people look for someone to blame when they're feeling down on life. SO's often make a convenient target.
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With that being said, she is very financially independent, so that brought her down even more. I should have done more financially for her, but I was covering all the bills I was able.
Not necessarily. Remember that as guys we are inherently Mr. Fix-Its, but that is not what our SO's want from us. They want empathy and validation, not fixing.
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Her demeanor towards me, which is usually loving and playful flipped a switch. She hit me with ILYBNILWY, you don't make me happy. I don't feel you could ever make me happy, and I don't want to try".......That was 8 days ago.
Seriously unbelievable. I can't imagine she's going to find the happiness that way that she thinks she will. Crazy.
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I am going as dark as possible to her. I have arranged some dates to get together with old friends and will occupy my time to the best of my ability. Yesterday was hard manual labor. I woke up feeling slightly better, but still numb. I have Counseling sessions starting today, where I hope I will work towards understanding where it all went wrong, and why I couldn't see or hear her cries for emotional support.
Good, you are doing all the right stuff.
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I am also struggling VERY hard that she is immediately moving back in with this previous OM, so hopefully counseling will be able to work me through the trust issues and infidelity issues as well. I feel this woman I loved, has really woun dned me in a bad way with her actions. This is a tough one for me
Of course it is!! Especially given that it seemed like things were going well. Hang in there, you are on the right track and have done a good job of avoiding the usual pitfalls early after BD! You don't know what the future holds. I suspect her fling with OM is going to be short-lived and she's going to realize her unhappiness is because of HERSELF. There may be a recon down the road, you never know.
