married 9 1/2 years, we dated for 5 years 2 kids: 8yr old boy and 5yr old girl Im 43yrs old and my wife is 36
So much has happened in the last 5 weeks I hardly no where to begin. Nevermind, Ill start with this Spring. My wife decided this Spring to really focus on her health and fitness. This is the age (36) her mother was when she passed away and my wife wanted to make it a focus that she would use this year to get in the best shape of her life. So she has gone bonkers for the gym life. I was fine with it for a while because I understood where she was coming from but it was taking a lot of her time. She had a male personal trainer which I wasn't real fond of her having and she decided to start training for a fitness show for next Spring. Which to me met more time away from her family as the training was only going to increase. 5 or 6 weeks ago I discovered on her ipad some communication with her Personal Trainer that seemed more than just business and I also noticed some google searches that related to him that were not things a happily married wife should probably be searching for. At this point Im not sure if the PT knows anything about this or if my wife is having a fantasy about an affair. Either way, I confronted my wife, not about what I saw so much but just letting her know that she has been distant from the kids and I and also that her having a male PT was worrying me. That's when it all came out. She denied anything for the PT but this is when she told me that she is checked out of our marriage and she isn't sure she wants to check back in. She says she stopped loving me a few years ago and has just been going through the motions until recently when she when she just checked out, focused on the gym and establishing her new friends. I of course panicked! I instantly turned in to Super Husband! I talked with my work and was given weekends off to spend with my family, I finished all of the unfinished projects around the house, I cleaned everything, was over attentive to her which she pulled away from. She told me that she needed me to be like that 2 years ago and that she needs space. I was a roller coaster for the next 3-4 weeks which made things worse. I wrote her heart felt letters and pleaded for forgiveness one day and then the next day would be upset and a mess. I looked pitiful and I almost think I did just as much damage over these past 4 weeks then I did the prior 2 years. I told her I would give her space and I moved out but only for about 4 nights. At the time she didnt want me to move out but giving her space and still living at home didnt seem to be working. I hated being away so I moved back in, I felt like I had abandoned my kids even though I was still driving over and picking them up from school and being with them until evening. She wasn't thrilled with the idea of me coming back, she was liking her freedom. I was back though and I stayed out of her hair, I was in the other living room just reading books and such while she watched tv and messaged people on her cell phone. I have been taking the kids for the weekends and just getting out of town and doing fun stuff with them and giving her the space she desired. This last weekend I was taking them to her parents cabin and just going to relax and let the kids have fun. Her parents invited me down. Last Thursday night, she came home 2 hours late from the gym. She said because she needed to go to walmart but all she had was 1 sack with a few items. I didn't question because Im giving her space but I suspected. The next morning I was given some information that she has been sneaking away from the gym when possible with someone she works out with. At the time I was devastated, shaking, upset... I just couldnt believe my wife would go to that level after she has sworn to me that she would never to anything like that to me. I got the kids out of school early and stopped by her work on the way to the cabin so she could say goodbye to the kids for the weekend. I took her outside, informed her that I knew she was cheating on me and that I wanted a divorce. I said I would move out again when I got back and that she should file this coming week. She didn't deny the affair and only asked why I thought she was cheating on me a month ago when she wasnt. I just said I could see the path you were on and if you weren't yet it was probably coming. I went away for the weekend, never mentioned any of this to her parents or talked about anything with our relationship. They know everything already as it is their daughter but they love us both and would like to see us together. On my way back home after the weekend (its a 5hr drive) I did a lot of thinking. I have always told myself that if I was cheated on that would be it no matter what. On this drive, I convinced myself that my family is worth it to much for me to just throw in the towel. We didnt talk much when I got home, tension was thick and nobody knew what the other was feeling after fridays conversation. I slept at home that night on the couch and I continued to move out on Monday. I spent all day Monday and Tuesday thinking about my family. I spoke with her on Tuesday evening and asked if she had filed yet. She said she went to the lawyers office on Monday and spoke with them but did not file yet. I asked if it was ok if she held off and that I just dont want to give up without at least trying to save this marriage. I told her I understand that she needs space and if she would agree to just seperate for now, give it some time and if later we want a divorce we can discuss that then but lets see what actually giving you some space does for us down the road. She agreed to give it some space but she was skeptical and almost reluctant. I mean she has seen me go back and forth every other day for the last 4 weeks I can understand why. So that brings us up to date. I turned in some apps with some apartments and I'm staying with a close friend. I pick the kids up every day after school and help them with homework and play with them until Mom is off work and then I take them back to her where they go to the gym with her. And I get the kids on the weekends which gives her space and gives me some awesome time with my kids. It's only been a few days but so far Ive stuck to my guns and haven't slipped up and dialed her up or cornered her with questions. In fact I dropped the kids off at the front steps, give them my kisses and drive off without looking for her or talking to her. Ive told myself I'm not going inside that house unless invited. Here are my current dilemas. 1) My kids are crushed. I am very close with both of them. They want to know when Im coming home. They are mad at mom and I tell them not to be. I tell them its nobodies fault and that Mom and I just arent seeing eye to eye and we need some space and that no matter what happens we will both love them just as much then as we do now. It doesn't change anything though, they cry when i leave, they cry when they call me at night to say goodnight and my son asked if he could live with me instead of Mom. This part is very hard on me and I feel like Im letting them down for moving out. 2) My wife says she needs her space and I think that she does but I am just giving her a free pass to see other people. I mean if she's going to be seeing other people its probably going to happen whether Im around or not. Im wanting to give her space too so she may start missing me but I cant stop thinking that she is just getting kid free weekend to explore other relationships. I dont know the extent of the extra marital engagements but I know they are inappropriate for a married person to be having. Do I continue to stay away and just keep avoiding contact with her unless she reaches out to me? I do feel its the best thing if we ever have a chance but the thought of her building stronger relationships with others kills me.
p.s. I just discovered this forum yesterday and watched Michele's video on "walk away wives". It was us to a T, I wish I could have shown her this video weeks ago just so she could see that it isn't just her that has felt the way she does. Maybe someday I can show it to her but now just seem like a good time.
Me: 43 Wife: 37 2 Kids: (8yr old B, 5yr old G) OM Discovered Mid Aug '17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi Don....sorry you are here and for you sitch but you are in good hands.
The general advice around here is for the LBS to not move out of his home or the MBR. If anyone leaves it is the cheater.
Read Sandi's reflections below and the link's cadet provided and that should hopefully help get you off to a good start. Also if you don't want a D stop talking out D or your R in general. Additionally stop all pursuing activities immediately.
Hi Don....sorry you are here and for you sitch but you are in good hands.
The general advice around here is for the LBS to not move out of his home or the MBR. If anyone leaves it is the cheater.
Read Sandi's reflections below and the link's cadet provided and that should hopefully help get you off to a good start. Also if you don't want a D stop talking out D or your R in general. Additionally stop all pursuing activities immediately.
Thank you for linking that, I read it over. I have decided to flip a 180 and just be blunt with my wife but it's only been the last 48hrs or so when I realized the sappy, depressed loser tactic wasn't going to get me anywhere. My issue is that I have already moved out, should I have not? and if not should I move back in? It does seem to be easier on the two of us with me not being in the house. Harder on the kids but I'm trying to look towards the future. So my mindset now is no contact with her, only reply to her texts or answer her phone calls but no calls or texts from me, no questions, no prying, no involvement at all, only replies. The last 2 days when I've brought the kids back to her I have not gone in, I kiss them each in the driveway and drive away without saying or seeing anything from her. With me already moved out (4 days now) I'm thinking I should just remain moved out otherwise it seems like Im flip flopping once again. Any advise?
Me: 43 Wife: 37 2 Kids: (8yr old B, 5yr old G) OM Discovered Mid Aug '17
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Your welcome, I have literally spent hours reading posts on this forum from the vets to really help me process my situation.
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My issue is that I have already moved out, should I have not?
IMO move back in........but I am not a vet so please wait for a few more folks to chime in. They are always lurking
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if not should I move back in?
Again I would say Yes......there have been other men who have moved out of there house and their W moved their AP in. I don't think you want that to happen.
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It does seem to be easier on the two of us with me not being in the house.
Why can't she move out? I think most people would say don't make it easy on her.
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So my mindset now is no contact with her, only reply to her texts or answer her phone calls but no calls or texts from me, no questions, no prying, no involvement at all, only replies.
The general thought is to only reply to those text's that are actionable where she asks you a question and you need to give a response back. The guidance is also to not respond right away because you are busy having a great life.
Good on the other, don't initiate anything unless it is kid related or finances.
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The last 2 days when I've brought the kids back to her I have not gone in, I kiss them each in the driveway and drive away without saying or seeing anything from her. With me already moved out (4 days now) I'm thinking I should just remain moved out otherwise it seems like Im flip flopping once again. Any advise?
Kid pick up and drop off was hard at first for me. I always tried to act upbeat, happy and polite. I also made sure I was looking good with new clothes, etc. I made sure my appearance was spot on! I didn't know what to say at first so I just kept the conversation short, to the point and got out as quickly as I could. I tried not to linger and tried to be the first to end the conversation and leave.
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With me already moved out (4 days now) I'm thinking I should just remain moved out otherwise it seems like Im flip flopping once again. Any advise?
IMO you need to move back in but wait for the folks with far more experience than I. I think they will tell you that you are going to have to get lovingly tough with your W. You've been doing something thinking and you know I just don't agree that I should be the one to move out etc.
Again wait for some additional advice as I am still very new with my process and most of what I am typing to you about is what I have picked up along the way.
Here is another thread for you to review....maybe you can pick up some stuff from it in the meantime.
I would move back in, do you pay the mortgage? Do you pay the bills? Since she is the one that wants out, she should be the one to leave. Don't make this process easy for her.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Also, you want to be attractive and confident. You need to go back to the house with confidence, don't be rude, mean, spiteful, or arrogant. You are the man of that house, no matter how your wife is acting, you still take on your role as man of your house. Don't let no person run you from your domain. A confident man, protects, his family and home.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
