On July 2nd of this year, my husband of 31 years (together for 32 years), told me after I asked him what was wrong that "he was done" as in done with me and our marriage. When I burst into tears, he looked at me and said that he was shocked by my reaction as he thought I would be relieved. He told me this approximately two months after we just bought a house. I would not have bought a house with him if I thought we were done!
My husband is 57 years old and I will be 52 in October. He has been unhappy in his profession for a number of years and has actually left jobs, cashing out his 401Ks and letting me know after the fact. I've been the financially responsible one throughout our relationship. About 3 years ago, I started making substantially more than him. I have a 401K, a pension, and a couple of retirement accounts. However, I have always acknowledged that where I am at now is due in large part to the support (financial and emotional) I have received from my husband over the years.
He started a new job in November of last year. Apparently, he met someone who he is claiming is just a friend. He has also told me that this woman is in a long term relationship with another woman. He has described her as "his buddy" and someone who shares a lot of the same interests as him. I only found out about this person because of his erratic behavior (disappearing and sending text messages to our adult children that caused them to be concerned with his safety) after looking through our phone records. The one night he disappeared, I texted three people from the phone records simply asking if they had seen my husband. With those three numbers, I then Google searched and was able to determine that one person was this woman.
Over the past six weeks, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. My husband has agreed to go to marriage counseling and we have been in four sessions together so far. I think the one thing that bugs me about all of this is that he keeps asking me what I want to do. I really think he does not want to be the one to file for divorce as it will be one more thing that he can point to that I have done to him.
He has told me the classic "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." He has seen my absolute grief over this and has told me he still cares about me. He has asked me if I think he should move out. He has asked me where I think he should sleep - with me or on the couch. We have been intimate several times over the course of these past six weeks, which then creates more issues for me because I love him and feel like he would not take advantage of the situation - but maybe I'm just being stupid and naive.
Our kids have expressed to me that they no longer recognize their dad and that they feel like he is trying to replace them with "his buddy" (he told them about her and I've only acknowledged her when they have brought her up), her family and her group of friends. My husband said he likes this group because how easy going they are - this from the man who over the past three decades I have been with him has told me he doesn't like people and thus, we rarely had people over except mostly family for birthday parties. With this group, he has used very poor judgment, such as driving wile intoxicated. He has told me that they like to party. This woman's daughter had a DUI a year ago in which she almost lost her life, but yet they had a huge party for her this past week-end, which my husband talked to our daughter about and told her that everyone got drunk and was doing whiskey shots. My husband texted me that night to let me know he needed to sober up before coming back home. He was on his motorcycle.
In the past year, we sold our family home, he lost his job, he started a new job, and we bought a house. We also became empty nesters for the first time. He blames me for selling the house and for buying the current house that we are in. Three weeks ago, I helped him purchase a new motorcycle. He then said about a week later that he feels like I did that in order to keep him. I told him that I would not have agreed to be the co-signer and give him the deposit if I didn't feel like there was hope for our marriage.
Finally, I am trying to "get a life" outside of my husband, but I am then wracked with anxiety. I am no longer texting him or calling him, unless he texts or calls me first. I believe my husband is going through a mid-life crisis (even though he is older than most who go through it) as he has stated to me that turning 57 has hit him really. I am not ready to walk away and throw in the towel.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi CL- So sorry you are here, but glad you found the site. My H just disappeared on me on Dec. 26, and I did not see it coming AT ALL. This forum and these people, along with my grown children and my individual counselor, have saved my sanity, maybe even my life. There are good, good people here, some who've been around a long time and still check back in on people here. Listen to their advice, read the homework that Cadet gave you above, and keep posting. You'll get more feedback the more you post b/c it keeps you up towards the top of the list. Use this forum as a journal tool if that helps. Sometimes just to see your own words later, reminds you of how far you've come from those early days. We are here for you!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I believe my husband is going through a mid-life crisis (even though he is older than most who go through it) as he has stated to me that turning 57 has hit him really.
It may seem like he is older than most on the forum but I can assure you that he is not too old for a MLC.
Actually he is just a little bit less than the oldest age I have seen. And mind you I pay attention since I am 6 years older than him!!
I'm curious about "going dark" because one of the things my husband said to me was that I was not affectionate enough in our relationship, that I very rarely initiated sex and/or didn't ever surprise him by dressing up in sexy negligee. Since he dropped this bomb, I've attempted all of this because I felt like if I continued to engage in the same type of behavior that he had issues with, he would see it as more of the same.
Also, he keeps asking me to make the decisions. A week after he told me he was done, he came home and gave me three options. The first was for him to move out, the second was for him to move out for a couple of months and the third was for him to stay here. I told him that the one I was most comfortable with was for him to stay here.
Then two days ago, he asked me if I think he should continue to sleep in our bed. I cannot be the one to make these decisions for him because I want our marriage to work. I also feel like if I make these decisions for him then it will be easier for him to place blame on me in the future.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm curious about "going dark" because one of the things my husband said to me was that I was not affectionate enough in our relationship, that I very rarely initiated sex and/or didn't ever surprise him by dressing up in sexy negligee. Since he dropped this bomb, I've attempted all of this because I felt like if I continued to engage in the same type of behavior that he had issues with, he would see it as more of the same.
In counseling, he said that he appreciated my efforts. At home, he has said that he wished I would have done this sooner. Of course, I would have done a lot of things sooner had I known.
