I accessed telephone coaching for a little while in relation to this problem, but I could no longer afford to do so, so I thought I would seek some help here. I apologize in advance for the super long post!
My husband and I have only been married for 2.5 years, but we have been in a relationship for 12 years. Last January (2016), we found out we were expecting. The fact that we were going to be having a baby forced a lot of conversations we needed to have, and ultimately culminated in a huge fight between him and me, his family and me, and my family and him. Here's the background:
My husband lived in a multi-generational home. He lived with his sister, his parents, and his grandparents. His grandparents, however, were physically and emotionally abusive. To the point that he and his family were stuck with them for 13 years. They finally escaped the year before my husband and I got married. He and his family moved away from their toxic relatives and sort of started over in a new home.
As we were finally planning the wedding, my husband confided that he would like for both of us to live with his family, since he had missed out on so much time with them in that abusive situation. I was not comfortable with this situation, especially since we would be newlyweds, so we came up with a compromise. For the first six months, we would be in an apartment on our own, and then we would move back with his family and see what happened. Well the first six months were awful. My husband never wanted to be at the apartment, and we didn't have the money to really furnish it well, so it became just a place for us to sleep. We spent every day/evening with his family, and then we would return to the apartment to sleep. My husband had severe PTSD from the abusive situation of his family, and it flared up bad while we were at the apartment.
We moved back in with his family. It was a nice arrangement. We have a suite in the basement with our room, living room, bathroom, shower, etc. We share laundry and kitchen space. In my mind, this was still temporary. I thought we could ease his anxiety and then, once he knew everyone was safe, we would finally leave to start our life together.
My husband and his family always talked about wanting to move to Florida. I most assuredly did not want this, as my family is all around me where we live now. So whenever the topic came up, I clammed up and refused to take part (obviously a mistake).
When we found out we were expecting, the Florida conversation was forced, and we had a series of fights I don't want to get into details, mainly because it would take up far too much, but the end result was relatively positive, since I found divorce busting.
We ultimately agreed on going to Florida together, since there I would be able to pursue a work-from-home job that would allow me to stay with our baby girl. That part seemed to line up fine, and we moved on, and things had been pretty good.
However, his family put our shared home on the market in August, before our DD was born. I was not part of this discussion, and it really bothered me that it was put up while I was still expecting. Fortunately, the house did not sell, and we took it off the market to make some modifications and try again in the spring. The plan was that the house would sell, his family would head down to Florida, and I would finish out the school year (I am a contracted teacher), then we would move down with them while we looked for employment in Florida.
This arrangement worked beautifully for me, because while his family was in Florida, I could finally have the time with just him and our daughter that I have needed since we got married. And, by the same token, I could show him that we could still be very much involved with his family without living with them and being with them every moment.
It is now April, and the house has not sold. This means it is likely we will all be moving at the same time down to Florida, and I will once again be living with them. This has frustrated me a bit.
I have talked to my husband about some of my concerns, and he has done his best to be supportive and compromise. Yesterday, I had a conversation with him about how I hate feeling like I am still a kid in someone else's home, and how we plan almost all of our day around what his family wants to do. He was very receptive and told me that was partially his fault, and that he would make sure it was more evenly split. He would plan our days based on what I needed as well as what they needed.
But then he told me (very sweetly) that he has no trouble letting his mom "mother" (take care of) him, because he had 13 years of that taken away from him and from her, and he knows she won't be around forever. He told me that he wants to always be surrounded by his crew (his family, myself, and our daughter/future kids), and that we will all always be equally important to him.
I guess it sounds selfish, but I want myself and our children to be his first priority. I want our little family to be his focus, with plenty of room to be with his family as well. But I certainly understand his wanting his family all around him, as what they went through together was quite traumatic. I guess I'm not sure how to proceed with want I want for our family without stepping on what he wants/needs.
There are so many more details, but I suppose I can come out with those as people talk. Thank you so much in advance for all of your help.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
My husband and I have only been married for 2.5 years, but we have been in a relationship for 12 years.
So you were together almost 10 years before you were married. What was life like during those times? From what you write, this doesnt seem like a 'new' issue. What was your reasoning for getting married in the first place? Were you expecting him to change?
We were together for so long before marriage because we were waiting for him and his family to escape. It would have been impossible to get married when he was in that situation. I thought that once his family was safe, we would focus on our family. So I suppose I misunderstood the depth of the issue. And honestly, I don't think I helped in the beginning of our marriage. Instead of staying at the apartment and making it a home for us, I went with him every time he went to his family's house. I also became disgustingly clingy of my time with him. Any time we were alone, I would get angry if his family called. So I suppose I pushed him more towards them. I think I triggered his PTSD, and he thought I was going to try and take them completely out of the picture, so he became even more close to them.
Talking to my telephone coach helped me realize that he and I were both a bit co-dependent. He was co-dependent on his family, and I was co-dependent on him.
My husband actually knew that I was seeking help with telephone coaching back in January of last year. He was shocked, but he found out after I had started making some changes, and he had noticed how our relationship had improved, so he wasn't really that upset. He was more freaked out about the cost than anything else.
Talking to my telephone coach helped me realize that he and I were both a bit co-dependent. He was co-dependent on his family, and I was co-dependent on him.
Does that make sense?
Hello hjmc14,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It sounds like the telephone coaching was helpful which is great news! I'm glad your husband noticed the benefits of the coaching.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Is he getting any help for his PTSD? That seems like an important first step. Depending on where you live, there are probably services available from the state.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I actually have e-mailed with you before. You offered to work with me to make the sessions affordable, which I greatly appreciated. But unfortunately, we don't have any extra money at this time. If we did, I would definitely be giving you a call!
