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My previous thread is here

Last Monday, I decided that I had to go dark with my W. I began to realize that every communication we had with each other ended up with us having the same fights and the same R talk. Basically it always involved me trying to convince her to take me back, trying to reassure her that I did respect her, etc. and her always saying that she doesn't love me and she will never let me be with her again. When I saw that was the exact same direction our conversation was heading last Monday I finally told her that I could not keep having the same argument with her over and over and until we could communicate like adults I just could not talk to her to which she replied "can I count on that?"

I have not had much contact with her since then. She called me on Wednesday to let me know that we needed to go sign some papers for the D on Thursday. On Thursday we didn't talk in the car except when I asked her what the papers were. Thursday evening she dropped our kids off for a visit and I told her that they had some library books that needed to be taken back. Yesterday I called her to find out when she would be dropping the kids off for their visit this week, but other than that I have not spoken to her at all.

I am not sure that I have the strength to keep going though. I am scared that she will decide that she actually likes life without me and that she will not want to take me back. I have been told by a few people who have spoken with her and know what she is going through that I should not give up hope but every day that goes by it gets a little harder to continue having hope.

Until things really started to go downhill in June we had never gone a day in our relationship without talking. Even when I was away at law school for the past two years we either talked on the phone, texted each other, or talked via web cam every day. I feel so lonely and afraid. Even more than being afraid of losing her, I am afraid that I will do something stupid. I am so conflicted right now I find it hard to trust my own judgement.


M 39, W 34
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So sorry to hear this. I've been following your thread and just signed up a few days ago. Hang in there man. You are in a tough spot, must feel awful. This is a difficult time.

Your fear is rational and totally valid in this situation -- but it is not serving you. Take care of yourself and realize that EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS, you are doing the right thing. Well at the very least, you are doing the "least wrong" thing. You are absolutely right with deciding to cut things off and go dark if they aren't going anywhere. Now stand by that decision and prove to yourself and to her that it was the correct one.


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That is not dark.

That is dim.

How can you go dark with 5 kids ?

Stop being afraid of what your wife thinks.

Stop changing directions every couple of days.

Stop asking her to come back.

Stop not knowing what is going on with the paper work with D.

Start communicating about the kids via email so you can keep track.

Start using those drop off and pick up moments as a way to show that your working on yourself. Not through communication but through actions.

Start dressing better.

Start acting confident.

Start conversations at that time with the following words. " (NAME) . I am looking forward to my time with the kids. Talk to you in a couple of days. Any issues I will send you an email. Take Care."

Start controlling yourself.

Let the kids see how you are improving. GAL with them doing active activities.

They will be the ones who will communicate your improvements. When they look forward to seeing you.


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unconditional love is awesome!
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Originally Posted By: NASCARDaddy
I am scared that she will decide that she actually likes life without me and that she will not want to take me back.


Read that again....and then think DB/DR....then see what you think.


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NASCAR,

Every time you talk to your wife and have an argument you are pushing her further away. Every time she gets mad at you it reinforces her decision. STOP HELPING HER.

You are doing the right thing. By going dark you are giving her fewer reasons to be mad at you. This is the best thing you can do right now.

I know the loneliness and fear. I have been dark for only a few weeks. Trust me, it gets easier.

You need to start GALing like crazy to keep your mind off of the loneliness. This will not make it go away completely, it will help.

Trust in your own reasoning. You did the right thing on the phone call and you are doing the right thing now.

Stay Strong.


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Originally Posted By: Breakdown
Originally Posted By: NASCARDaddy
I am scared that she will decide that she actually likes life without me and that she will not want to take me back.


Read that again....and then think DB/DR....then see what you think.


I get where you are coming from. Mostly that is the fear talking. She has been very hostile towards me over the past two or three weeks and even though I have tried to let go and detach it has been a difficult process. I am doing better at it, but it is still a scary time for me.


M 39, W 34
M 15
S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6
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Divorced 11/5/2012
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Originally Posted By: mshaf
NASCAR,

Every time you talk to your wife and have an argument you are pushing her further away. Every time she gets mad at you it reinforces her decision. STOP HELPING HER.


Oddly enough that is exactly what my therapist said in IC today. He told me that he thinks that she is trying to draw me into the same arguments over and over to reinforce the image of an angry and controlling individual that she has built of me in her mind.

Quote:
You are doing the right thing. By going dark you are giving her fewer reasons to be mad at you. This is the best thing you can do right now.


I know that I am doing the right thing by going dim, but it is still scary. Being ex-military, ex-law enforcement I have an alpha male mentality and giving up control and letting go is a pretty frightening thing.

Quote:
I know the loneliness and fear. I have been dark for only a few weeks. Trust me, it gets easier.

You need to start GALing like crazy to keep your mind off of the loneliness. This will not make it go away completely, it will help.


I am trying to GAL as much as possible and in two weeks when school starts again I will have more GAL on my plate then I know what to do with. But until that point I am just trying to take things one day at a time.

Quote:
Trust in your own reasoning. You did the right thing on the phone call and you are doing the right thing now.

Stay Strong.


Normally I do trust my own judgement, it is a product of my background. In some of my previous lines of work if you second guess yourself you could end up dead. But the past couple of weeks have made me aware that I have some pretty big blind spots in my judgement and that has me worried. When you wake up one morning and realize that you are in the middle of an EA and on the verge of a PA and you never even saw it coming until you were already in the soup can spook a person.


M 39, W 34
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S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6
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So I have gotten a couple of big pieces of news since the last time I talked to my W. I was accepted into an MPA program so that I can get a masters degree and I got a job. I am thinking about telling her when she brings the kids over for their visit tonight but I am not sure if I should or not. Any advice?


M 39, W 34
M 15
S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6
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Divorced 11/5/2012
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Boy, that's a tough one, NASCAR. If it were me, I probably would NOT. Because I know she'll eventually find out about it anyway (thus, I still gain the benefit of her being proud of my accomplishment, and "success builds attraction" and all that) . . .

Plus, I don't want it to appear at all "needy" on my part that I'm telling her this -- like I'm looking for some sort of reaction out of her.

But that's just me.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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That is pretty good advice. My original reason for wanting to tell her is because I had a class scheduled for Thursday evenings, which is when she usually brings the kids by. However, after learning about the job and that I only need 9 credit hours to be enrolled full time in a masters program instead of 12 I went ahead and dropped the Thursday class. (It is a research skills class and after two years of law school and a summer working for the attorney general's office I'm pretty confident of my research skills.) The one problem with the job is that it is only a six month training program which only gives me work until April, but it is better than nothing. Also, come August of next year I will have to start working on the 300 plus internship hours required to graduate from the program so I wouldn't be able to continue with any other kind of job anyway.


M 39, W 34
M 15
S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6
Separated: 7/2/2012
Served: 7/10/2012
Divorced 11/5/2012
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