Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 13 1 2 3 12 13
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1

Hello everyone, I've read many of the posts here and have enjoyed them, so thought I would share my own story in the hopes of getting some helpful input smile

I'm 51, wife is 49, we've been married 20 years and dated 5 years before that. We have 3 kids (s9, d15, d18). This is a more or less typical WAW story, in June we got mad at each other over my birthday and didn't talk much for a couple of days, then I sent her an email apologizing and telling her I wanted to talk to her about our relationship because we had grown so distant (we often said we were like roommates especially after our 3rd child was born). We had that talk the evening of June 14 and she told me she was unhappy, had been unhappy for years, and couldn't do this anymore. I was totally shocked, had no idea things were that bad for her. There had never been infidelity, I don’t drink/ smoke/ do drugs, I thought I had always been there for them. But just like every other guy learns in this situation, I had let my marriage run on autopilot not realizing it was heading for a mountain. Initially she said she would not go to counseling, she just wanted to leave, but wasn't sure when. The first week I did all the wrong things (begging, pleading, negotiating, etc.) By the end of the week I had read a few books (Dobson’s Love Must Be Tough in particular) and knew I was on the wrong track and worked to change that. I talked to my wife about what I had done to contribute to her unhappiness and it was things like I yelled at her and the kids too much, I watched TV too much and didn’t engage the family enough and I didn’t help out enough around the house. I did swift 180’s on all those things and others. I told her that if she wanted to move out I understood and would support her, but I don’t think I really thought she would. At the end of the first week she did agree to counseling.

I picked what I thought was a good counselor, she was a Christian, a PHD, our age and had a long history of couples counseling and of teaching seminars. But one thing that bothered me from the start is she kept telling me to be prepared for it not to work out because she had seen many women that had “made up their minds” and that they rarely would R. In counseling my wife was relatively quiet, but she did acknowledge I had made substantial changes in myself, but while she appreciated the changes, it was “too little too late”. The counselor asked her if she loved me (yes, but not “in love”), if she respected me (yes) and if I was selfish in lovemaking. To that last she said no, that she enjoyed it a lot and in fact wouldn’t mind continuing even though she didn’t think we could R. The counselor said “so you love him, you respect him and you enjoy the sex. In my profession we call that the makings of a great relationship!” So for the next month we continued counseling, she kept wearing her wedding ring, we continued making love (more frequently than normal in fact) and I showed her the kind of attention I should have for the last 10+ years (back rubs, foot rubs, having conversations with her, holding hands, etc.) This attention was a 180 from what I had been doing previously. Yet, week after week in counseling she would say things were great, fantastic even, but she still saw no hope for R. Outside of counseling we kept relationship talks pretty limited, but she did tell me a few times that she was very confused about how she felt. Finally in the 5th weekly session the C asked where she was and again she said no hope for R (in her exact words she said “I just don’t want to try” and the C asked what the next step was and she said “tell the kids, then move out”. That was I think July 21st. When we got home I asked her where our relationship would go from there, did she want to continue like we had for the last month and she said that was “too much” and that we should limit it to hugs only. We sat down with the kids and explained she would be moving out and that it was no reflection on them and we would do what we could to make the transition as easy for them as possible. At first she agreed to move out that weekend, she has a friend with a huge house and she was going to move in with her as a “trial separation”. However, a couple of days later she came to me crying and said she didn’t want to do that because she would feel like a “hobo”. I told her that if she was still confused she could stay as long as she wanted to try to work through it and that I wanted to help her with that. But shortly after she started looking at rental houses, stopped wearing her ring and grew more distant.

Somewhere in there I started reading these forums and bought DB and DR. I’ve read through DR and just started DB. Just as Michelle says in the books, this experience has helped me to learn that I love my wife much more than I realized and I want to change myself to someone that she would want to have a relationship with. I’ve had difficulty adapting the techniques to my situation because it’s unique, one of the problems in our relationship is I had too much of a separate life, I have many hobbies that don’t take me away from home much, but kept me from being as involved with our family as I should have been. So on the one hand I’m trying to give my wife space, but at the same time I’m trying to show her the attention that I haven’t for many years as part of my 180’s. Tough to do the GAL advise when I was already so distant in the relationship.

W says there’s no OM or EA, and I’ve seen no evidence of it. She can’t use her work email for personal contact because it’s monitored, and she knows I have the password to her home email account and doesn’t care if I look through it. Before reading DR I did put a keylogger on her computer and found nothing of interest, I also snooped on her phone to read her messages and she’s been talking to her girlfriends about what’s going on but no communications with an OM at all. And she’s never “missing”, if she’s not at work she’s at home or running errands with the kids. After reading DR I stopped with the snooping.

So here’s where we are right now- wife just put a contract out on a rental house but is still living at home for now (probably moving in 2 weeks). We’re getting along really well, not discussing the relationship, doing some stuff as a couple and (more often) together with the kids, very limited communication during the day (we both work and rarely email/ text unless it’s about the kids), sitting down and talking like old friends every evening, contact is limited during the week to a “welcome home” hug in the evening and a quick hug and “have a good day” in the morning when I leave (and she’s still in bed). But last weekend we did some cuddling in bed and ended up having sex. Still, despite what may sound like a rosy picture, she’s determined to move out. She has said that there’s no hope of R at any time in the future, but I’m clinging to a hope that she may come around after she’s been away for a while. I know from these forums and the books not to expect a quick turnaround, so it could be 6 months or more down the road. Or maybe never, I know that’s possible too.

Here are my 180’s that I’ve stuck religiously to the past 2 months: No more yelling at wife or kids, when we have discussions they are calm and civil. Minimal TV, usually it’s only turned on if the kids want to watch something and sometimes I’ll watch with them. Engaging the kids more, I talk to them every day and take them out w/o W now and then to eat or to a movie. Took over all household chores from W- I do all the laundry, the dishes, the housekeeping and grocery shopping (W goes with me on the shopping trips). I’ve kept the house cleaner than she ever did and I get the laundry done in one day whereas she was never done, she did it constantly all week long. Lifting weights 3 times a week, I had been keeping in decent shape before so it didn’t take much to drop a little flab, bulk up and get the abs back. This is a 180 that I just started about a week ago- engaging W in conversations every evening during which I maintain lots of eye contact, listen intently and talk enough to keep the conversation moving.

As far as setting goals, Some have been met (wife hugs me back when I hug her, engages in conversations with me, calls me “honey” and “sweetie”) while others have not (would like W to contact me during the day just to say hello, would like W to touch me now and then like she used to, it was kind of a “hello” thing like touching my toe as she walked by if I was sitting down). Of course my ultimate goal is R, but there will be lots of baby steps before that. And when W moves out I’m going to have to rewrite my goals.

Sorry this was so long, but I wanted to get as much background listed as I could  I welcome any advice on what I may be doing right or wrong here, and what I should change. Thank you!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board.

You need to let her go.

Get the DR book and read it.
Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Dear Another,

I agree with Cadet that you MUST detach so you don't appear needy or constantly obsess about what

she is feeling, thinking, planning or doing.

I also think rejecting Dobson's "teach them a lesson" approach was brave & smart of you, AND in alignment with this site's core philosophy.

It's not an easy choice, I know. I had long internal debates on that myself


But the two approaches are not compatible and it irks me a bit to see it occasionally pushed here, when this is NOT the same belief system. So, good for you!

Back to your situation, your wife's moods or feelings cannot dictate your life or your children's.

Yet There are many positives in your sitch, such as the fact that there probably isn't an OM, (and if there is, she's not ready to come out with him and declare she's "finally in real love.") Also she's pretty pleasant to you, comparatively speaking (around here she could be seen as saintly for a WAW).

Also SHE is moving out, NOT you, which maximizes the changes for her, not you and not the kids. That's great.

While I don't like the term "Mid life crisis" much b/c it tends to make people think there is more hope than there might be, which I don't understand as there's no empirical data supporting that, that I know of,

AND

b/c a whole bunch of assumptions go with that term that are NOT that accurate.

Notwithstanding my comments, she fits the bill so far.

The big tip off to me is the unusual step she's willing to take, to leave the kids with you. That is very unusual for a WAW, b/c most women who leave, leave their h's, not their families.

That's a flag of someone in crisis if ever there was one. The other option in my opinion if she's not in crisis/depression

is that perhaps she resented you for doing nothing as a co parent or partner to her.

In her eyes it sounds as if she sees you as basically acting like a single guy w/no bad habits but a lot of hobbies he did without family AND who worked full time, who popped in for his "daddy fix" and making love when you felt like it, and did little to nothing around the house or with the kids.

Since you admitted in passing, that it's a total 180 for you.

Meaning, she has been doing all that AND working full time all this time?

Dang...that's a lot to dump on one person who gave birth 3 times and it's a lot to

do to ignore and bury/hide yourself in hobbies that don't include family members.

I dont' mean to bash you here, but do you see how SHE could perceive your level of effort as being awfully low and, forgive me, but, pretty self absorbed?

So, She may be exhausted and feeling completely worn out emotionally and physically and neglected in many ways...AND OR

She may be very angry and the problem for some of us women is, many women don't "get" our anger.

We convert it into resentment and then let love seep away...we are not comfortable expressing anger b/c we associate that with the shrill shrew or fisherman's wife yelling at her h.

Many women do not express anger in a direct way. And it can build in all sorts of converted ways and it can kill a lot of loving feelings.

MAYBE that's why the mc said what she said. B/C Women tend to stay if there's a shred of hope left in them and they only leave when they feel there is zero hope left...which is why I wish they'd talk about leaving BEFORE there was "nothing left" so their h's could wake up.

My fil was abandoned by his 2nd wife and frankly, he more or less deserved it. But he didn't see it coming. And it floored him. Which broke my heart.

Took him years to find someone else and he IS happy now but he's also vastly improved as a partner. He was in his 60s then, so I know people can and do change.

All is NOT lost with your sitch b/c

I do think she'll miss the heck out of her kids-and you-and

you seem committed to being the best guy you can be, a man only a fool would leave,

and if she comes to believe in your changes, which she can

with sufficient time + enough small consistent changes...


then she may decide the CORE ISSUE -which is believing that

Marriage to you can be better/different. IF she thinks it can be, she'll likely return.


If not, she won't unless shes' too torn without the kids and then that means she'll want YOU to leave.

Your job is to show her, w/actions, that you are a changed man and that marriage to you from this day forward, could be different/better than before.


She's confused sounding for sure. And a lot of this is happening really fast. So you need to put a different time line on YOUR expectation level.

Do NOT ASK her how she's feeling or what she plans or "has learned" or about any things she's learning or wonder "WHEN" she'll wake up and decide...don't ask about

"discoveries" she's made, or "how long this will take" OR

WHY she is "ruining our family" or "How can she destroy" etc. b/c that is what my DB coach said was a question designed to get a defensive answers.

And when we challenge their choices, we force them to defend the choices, instead of really examining them. So back off the interrogatories or interviews...

yes when SHE speaks, focus intently but do not smother or pursue.

Pursuit smothers. YES YOUR Sitch is slightly different b/c a big part of her issue was how distant you already were (you said that You didn't realize how much you loved her til she wanted out so it must have showed)

You can show your 180s without ignoring her.
You'll have contact b/c of the kids and it's a bit easier to see or notice changes when there's more time between visits. So in one sense, her moving out is good. Also much easier to give her space.

Dress differently, wear new cologne, new hair style, etc...CHANGE your appearance and attitude so it's visible

and do some concrete acts that are out of your comfort zone and NEW.

Like how about a hobby that INCLUDES your kids, or at least one of them?

And something with NEW people to help get your mind off your sitch, and to add a little mystery to your life for her to see.

Make sense?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
PS

if you get a chance after reading the Div Busting books, try reading The Five Love Languages by Chapman.

Do you compliment your wife much? The book will identify what I mean but since she said you yelled or criticized a lot I wondered if you were now contrasting those negative habits with positives,

not just refraining from doing a bad act, but actually committing a good one.

make sense?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 743
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 743
Hi AS,

What you described about yourself sounds exactly like my H. He was/is always around but not available to me or our D16. I own my own business, take our D16 to all out of town drs. appts., cook, clean, work in his business. You get the picture. However, I do not control my anger well, and when I've had enough, out it comes in an attacking manner. Because of those attacks, my H dropped the D bomb.

Our sitch is also similar because of our spouses' behavior, with the exception of living arrangements. I still live at home and decided that I am going no where since I don't want the D, and we haven't discussed any details.

I try to believe none of what H says when it is negative, and I am not hearing a whole lot of positives. I am also trying to GAL, which is difficult in the beginning. It is hard to detach emotionally from someone you've been with for so long. You've gotten a lot of good advice above.

Keep reading DR/DB. I find that doing so helps me a lot and keeps me focused. When I don't, I feel like I fall of the wagon. I also bought The Five Love Languages, but haven't started it yet.

As 25 says, keep up the 180s, try a hobby with the kids. If you can show that you are truly committed to doing things with the kids, it may show her that you would be committed to doing things with her as well, and less of your hobbies that don't involved them.


M44 H57
D17 (special needs)
M 18 yrs
Bomb 7/2/12
Still living together
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Thanks to all for the input! Sorry my reply is so slow, but the next few days I came back my post had not been "approved" yet.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

I agree with Cadet that you MUST detach so you don't appear needy or constantly obsess about what she is feeling, thinking, planning or doing.


Well, the strange thing is my wife hasn't detached herself. So for example, one form of detaching is not to ask where she's been, but if she's not at work then she's at home or out somewhere with the family (which typically includes me). I am definitely not pressuring her or obesessing about her, but I'm not fully detached either simply because she's always around. She'll be moving soon and at that point it'll be easier to put the detaching and "last resort" techniques into use.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Yet There are many positives in your sitch, such as the fact that there probably isn't an OM, (and if there is, she's not ready to come out with him and declare she's "finally in real love.") Also she's pretty pleasant to you, comparatively speaking (around here she could be seen as saintly for a WAW).


In that regard she really doesn't fit the typical profile of a WAW, she's acting almost completely normal around the kids and me but she is 100% convinced she needs to move out.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
While I don't like the term "Mid life crisis" much b/c it tends to make people think there is more hope than there might be, which I don't understand as there's no empirical data supporting that, that I know of,

AND

b/c a whole bunch of assumptions go with that term that are NOT that accurate.

Notwithstanding my comments,she fits the bill so far.


Indeed, I actually started out posting on an MLC forum when this first started. She does match some of the characteristics of MLC- she has expressed a desire to artistically express herself in some way and get out of the "rut" she's in. I actually took her to an art class (where you paint a painting in 3 hours) a couple of weeks ago and she went to a photography class last weekend, I invited her to a pottery throwing class but she thought it would be too "messy". Still, she's not even considering staying.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
The big tip off to me is the unusual step she's willing to take, to leave the kids with you. That is very unusual for a WAW, b/c most women who leave, leave their h's, not their families.


I may not have been clear on that, but we've agreed to 50-50 visitation. So we'll have split custody during the separation.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
That's a flag of someone in crisis if ever there was one. The other option in my opinion if she's not in crisis/depression


She actually had really bad depression over 10 years ago and has been on Zoloft ever since. The counselor told her that it seemed like she was in depression again and should see her physician, she did and said that the physician said her dosage was fine. I suspect she downplayed what was going on to the physician, but not much I can do about that.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
In her eyes it sounds as if she sees you as basically acting like a single guy w/no bad habits but a lot of hobbies he did without family AND who worked full time, who popped in for his "daddy fix" and making love when you felt like it, and did little to nothing around the house or with the kids.


I can see how it might have sounded like that in my description, in retrospect I think I made it sound worse than it really was. Basically my hobbies are motorcycles, model cars and R/C planes. I haven't touched the models in many years. The motorcycles get ridden rarely, and when they do it's usually with the wife or kids. The planes are picked so they're small enough to fly in the backyard so I don't have to go anywhere, and that activity frequently involved the kids too. Plus I usually only flew a few times a week for an hour or so, and usually before the wife got home from work. There were many times that when I saw her come home I landed and went inside. My wife hasn't complained about any of these things, rather she complained that I yelled at her too much in arguments. And that is quite true, I know now from talking to a counselor that there's 3 levels of communication- parent, adult and child. Spouses should communicate adult-to-adult, but frequently the man speaks at the parent level and the wife reduces down to the child level. That happened a lot with us. She also complained that I griped about many of the activities we went to and she's right I did, I complained about going but once I was there I always enjoyed it. The bottom line is she's taking the kind of stuff that happens in your average relationship and making it sound like it's abnormal and grounds for separation/ divorce.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Meaning, she has been doing all that AND working full time all this time?.


Yeah, we both work full time. We hire a person to clean bi-weekly and we both did the picking up for that (now I do it every day). Wife and I split the kid transport duties. I do all the outside work on our huge landscaped acre lot and maintain the pool and koi pond. I also do all the house repairs/ upgrades. She used to do the laundry (I do now), food (mostly take-out) and grocery shopping. We both did the dishes (I do that all now too). Our oldest is in college now, our other two are quite independent although I handle my son most of the time as far as showers, brushing teeth and getting him to bed. All that to say I thought we had close to an equitable split of duties, but apparently she didn't. I do admit she handled more of the baby duties, but that was because she had a generous leave package (6 months) and I was only able to take a week off. But I did what I could and she never complained.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I dont' mean to bash you here, but do you see how SHE could perceive your level of effort as being awfully low and, forgive me, but, pretty self absorbed?


Hopefully I cleared the info up a little better. I could see how she would think that if I were totally buried in the hobbies, but it wasn't like that.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
So, She may be exhausted and feeling completely worn out emotionally and physically and neglected in many ways


Honestly what's perplexing to me is it seems like she's been quite happy for as long as I can remember. No crying, no wierd moments of sitting in the corner pouting, nothing. When I saw she was "doing the laundry", sometimes I wouldn't see my clothes for weeks, LOL! It took her forever! Since I started doing it the whole thing gets done every Friday. She's throw a load in and take off to get her nails done with the girls and it would sit there for hours before going on the dryer. So I hope you're not getting the impression that she was slaving over a hot stove or iron all day while I was partying wink Speaking of ironing, she's never touched that, I do it all (it's mostly my clothes anyway).

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Many women do not express anger in a direct way. And it can build in all sorts of converted ways and it can kill a lot of loving feelings.


I think this is the problem exactly. My wife has NEVER been good at communicating, even back when we were dating. I have to draw information out of her a piece at a time. If we get in the car and I don't say anything we travel in near silence, so I usually talk just to break up the silence. Her responses are usually pretty brief. It's always been this way. I have no doubt whatever resentment she is harboring is locked up in some vault in her and it's now boiling over, but still she won't talk about it, not to me and not to the counselor. It's very frustrating.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I do think she'll miss the heck out of her kids-and you-and you seem committed to being the best guy you can be,[u] a man only a fool would leave, and if she comes to believe in your changes, which she can with sufficient time + enough small consistent changes... then she may decide the CORE ISSUE -which is believing that Marriage to you can be better/different. IF she thinks it can be, she'll likely return.


Thank you, that's all I can hope for at this point because she's definitely moving. I fully understand it's only been 2 months and as Michele points out, my wife is probably thinking the changes are just a temporary ruse to lure her back. It's going to take a lot of time to demonstrate otherwise to her.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
And when we challenge their choices, we force them to defend the choices, instead of really examining them. So back off the interrogatories or interviews...


I did some of that the first week before I started reading DB, but I've been holding course on that ever since. We've talked about the kids and what she's going to take when she moves, but other than that it's been small, happy talk.

Thanks for the advice, I am working on the other things you mentioned as well.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

if you get a chance after reading the Div Busting books, try reading The Five Love Languages by Chapman.


I'm about 2/3 through it and have been implementing some of the techniques. One of the biggies I learned in it is my love language is gift-giving and receiving while my wife's is "words of affirmation". That was a big revelation, I never understood why she didn't make a big deal out of gifts I gave her that I spent so much time and money on (some of them handmade). Now I know! And yes, I was very weak on her love needs. I've always been polite with the please and thank you's and thanks for doing this or that, but after reading that chapter I understand how I should have been taking that to a totally different level and wasn't.

Originally Posted By: hopefulinga
However, I do not control my anger well, and when I've had enough, out it comes in an attacking manner.


My wife is the opposite, she never, ever expressed anger. Just kept it all bottled up.

Originally Posted By: hopefulinga
As 25 says, keep up the 180s, try a hobby with the kids. If you can show that you are truly committed to doing things with the kids, it may show her that you would be committed to doing things with her as well, and less of your hobbies that don't involved them.


I just took the eldest to college which was heart-breaking! We're very close. The middle daughter is almost never home, she's a total socialite. I do hang out with her and take her to lunch/ dinner when she's around though. The youngest is my buddy, we've been doing a lot more together lately- scouting activities, motorcycle rides, R/C planes and cars, etc.

Originally Posted By: Starsky309

Sounds like you have a classic "walkaway wife" on your hands then. While infidelity is usually involved in these situations (the whole "soft place to land" thing), it's certainly not always, and it doesn't sound like it is in your sitch. Michele's "walkaway wife" would be a good place for you to read.


I skipped straight to that chapter first, LOL! And this was probably a mistake, but because Michele spoke directly to the WAW in that chapter I actually found it online and copy/ pasted it and emailed it to my wife. This was before I had read DB, I wouldn't have had I read more. If it had any impact on her I didn't hear about it.

Originally Posted By: Starsky309
There was also a poster that used to be on here named Greek. She did not have an affair, and both she and her husband (Coach) posted openly about what was going thru Greek's mind, and what she responded to and what repelled her.


Thank you, I'll look for their posts! There's a woman going through MLC that posts on the "LifeTwo" forums, it's been really interesting reading her perspective too. She has wanted to leave her husband for some time, but miraculously has been able to realize the problem was with her perceptions and not her husband. She has posted a lot about what she thinks/ feels on a weekly basis, basically it can be described as extreme mental turmoil. I suspect my wife is going through the same although she seems cool and collected on the surface.

Thanks again all!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Just kind of journaling on this entry, but W is moving out soon. Lease is signed and starts this weekend. She has a few empty boxes in her car, but so far doesn't seem too motivated to start packing. We're still getting along great (platonically). I'm applying no pressure to her about the move or our relationship, all talk is about the kids and how her work is going, friends, etc. Light and fluffy. She's been fairly stoic lately (but upbeat), hard to get a read on her. I'm not in full blown detachment mode yet because she's still home, just sticking with the 180's and showing her the loving, caring husband and father that she'll (hopefully) start missing once she moves out.

When I say I'm not in full blown detachment, mainly I'm not acting aloof and I do still give her a hug once or twice a day. She hugs back and isn't pushing away, so I'll keep it up until she moves out. Although it may not fit in with DB, it is one of the 5 love languages and I'm communicating my love to her through all 5 right now (and NOT through words).

I've reestablished old friendships (GAL) and that's helped to cope with things. I read Michele's 34 tips a few times a week just to remind myself what to do and not do. I'm reading DR through again as well.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
I just remembered a question I have, I checked the Retrouvaille schedules and there's going to be a session in my area but it's only about 2 months away. I suspect W would agree to go, but I'm concerned her heart might not be in it since she will not have been out of the house long at that point, and I'm also concerned she might view it as me pressuring her to R. Any thoughts? My inclination is to not say anything about it and try to get a read on her in about a month and decide whether or not to schedule it then.

Also, I haven't mentioned this but I've always been a very spiritual person and I have really laid my tears on God's shoulders as no one else wants to see them. Like many guys, I was raised to suppress tears and went many, many years without shedding a single one. I've cried more since this misery started than in the last probably 35 years combined. It's been a tough road.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
More journaling, last night we had hot dogs and I asked my wife how many buns she needed, she said 3. I took one out of the package and said "here's one, and here are the other two" and wiggled my butt at her. She slapped it hard. Now this may sound like a silly story, but it's shades of our old relationship rather than the "walking on eggs" situation we've had for the past few months. Things have definitely become more relaxed the last few weeks. Of course I'm not happy she's leaving, but at least it's on good terms and will pave the way for a continued friendship that will hopefully eventually lead to R.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
I'm not getting many responses here, I'm guessing it's because I'm still moderated and by the time my posts get approved they're already a few days old and therefore my thread never gets bumped to the top?

More journaling, helped W with some misc. stuff on her rental house over the weekend. Did some yard work, programmed the irrigation system and did some painting. Also purchased a bunch of furniture for her, it's all knock-down so I'll be assembling it for her as well. I'm sure it seems odd that I'm doing this (not exactly in line with detachment), but she's taking very little from our house so we came to an agreement that I'd pay for some of her furniture and help set it up to compensate her for leaving most everything behind. She's still probably a week or two from getting set up over there and moving out of our house.

Interestingly she refers to our house as "home" and the rental as "the other house" when talking to me or the kids about it. Seems like she'd call them my house and her house, she probably will after she moves.

We continue to get along great, surprisingly we even ML twice over the long weekend. I'm not reading anything into it, just taking things a day at a time. W is excited about getting into her own place, so I'm just letting it play out and not pushing any R talks or anything at this point. I just hope and pray that the separation will give her time to sort things out and that she'll come around to thoughts of R on her own.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Page 1 of 13 1 2 3 12 13

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard