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This is part 2 of my sitch.... Today is rough, I was cleaning off my rest at the shop on my day off when I found my birthday card from a few months back. It reads

Love is and amazing thing.. Marriage is even more amazing. Some people believe that it goes against our nature to be with one person for the rest of our life, I think that's B.S. wit what we have experienced over the past year together I am even more certain that we were made for one another. I want you to know how much I love you and appreciate everything about you. You truly are my only one and I LOVE that I get to fall in love with you over and over again for the rest of my life.


Sigh.... She confuses the crap out of me. I can only imagine how confused she is right now..


Me - 30
W - 28
M 4
t 6
ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011
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ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
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My friend told me that I should consider telling W that I would like to go to the family camping outing on my own. That her coming with me not knowing the status of our M and having to be around my family who don't know about the sitch is not fair to me nor is it healthy.

I feel that he has a point but I also feel this would potentially be a bad thing as she already planned on going together which was her idea not mine.

He also told me I need to pull back more. That my current efforts are not enough for her to see that the grass is not greener on the other side.

This is friggen HARD! I am so in love with her and getting sooooooo many mixed signals it's driving me batty. I try stepping off the roller coaster only to find myself back on it.


Me - 30
W - 28
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t 6
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I keep picturing my life without her and how incomplete it seems..

I just don't get why she got turned on by another man which means that function is still there but we cannot figure out when and why she stopped being turned on by me.. I feel like she is holding back, like if she just let go and stopped trying to read into it so much it would come back. I feel like she put too much pressure on herself to MAKE herself turned on by me and since that didn't work she feels nothing will.


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MC told me to open a dialog with W about the lack of affection and whether it is because she doesnt me to feel like it will lead to sex or whether it is something else.

Is this sound advice?


Me - 30
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t 6
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I feel the slight tinges of anger... I am not an angry person, nor do I argue or raise my voice. This has been what I think is a contributing factor to the passion being snuffed out in our M..

Today however I find myself not wanting to engage in conversation with her, not wanting to hug her or be affectionate with her as much, I can't tell whether it's anger or frustration or just pride but it has not been there till today.

I know I won't act on the anger or frustration I just hope it does not shine through that much.


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W - 28
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Can anyone one here read my sitch threads and offer me some words of encouragement or clarity.. I am feelin particularly down today for some reason and could really use a pick me up...


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Hi there. I'll read...


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Thanks soooo much Adinva!

Tonight was interesting, went and watched Hope Springs at the movies together then came home and hung out. Talked about re arranging our house for winter to make better use of the fireplace. Talked about snowboarding and changing pictures on the wall.

She read me a chapter of a book she has been reading, but still no signs of wanting to be affectionate or that she wants us to still work.

I am still working on me, acting as if and trying to GAL. Angry feelings I was having earlier passed now it's back to frustration and curiosity of what she is thinking. Also a little fear that if I ask her or talk about "us" I will hear an answer which I don't want.

Patience, patience, pateince.


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Hi Guy, sorry about your sitch. I went back to the beginning but got called away so I didn't read it all. I really sympathize with you; you seem so emotionally invested in your marriage, and I wish that were enough to make it work. It's such a good thing.

You'll find that well meaning friends can sometimes give bad advice because they just want the quickest way for you to feel better. And sometimes they are wise. Some people here will give you conflicting advice too. It boils down to what feels right in your heart, trying things and monitoring what works, and being very patient. Especially if there's an OM, patience is needed because nothing will work while your spouse is in an addiction to a new relationship. All you can do then is be the better man, work on whatever you've learned you need to work on, hang in there, and don't make things worse.

In my opinion, you should go on the camping trip together, especially if she wants and expects to go. Look for 25's posts if you can, to find where she went on a vacation in the middle of the bomb situation, with her H, and made the absolute most of it. It was hard, but it was the best thing she could do in her position. I think the camping trip is like that. It's a chance to quietly shine as the better option.

In my M I lost interest in ML over time. It wasn't that H wasn't attractive or a good person or a good husband. It became like a chore, not a very fun one, because there was such build up of resentment that went unspoken, slights that felt reasonable and not worthy of dealing with, absence of intimacy until it was like there wasn't another person in my marriage with me until he wanted sex.

Your descriptions sound like to avoid conflict you withheld yourself too. That is something to work on. Why is conflict scary for you? Did you not learn how to navigate normal conflict in a healthy way? Did your parents not provide an example for you? Mine and my H's did not, and we never learned it. You can learn it even if your W isn't sure there's anything left to save. I've been learning it and my H has been sure he's done for going on 15 months so far.

This may not save your marriage, but it is necessary for you to have a healthy relationship so you should work on it anyway.

Work on why you are, by your own description, needy. That isn't attractive. Why not try to replace neediness with generosity? Strength, independence, wholeness, peace?

You have enough there to keep your mind busy, act as if you're fine, and wait this out a while.

Passion and sex drive can be switched off. I haven't had a lot of encouragement that it can be switched back on again, but I believe it.

I always thought in my SSM that when it became a problem we'd get some help and fix it, with a sex therapist, or counseling, or a marriage workshop...something must help. If your W is motivated there's a chance, I really believe it, but it won't work until the things that eroded her interest are taken care of, and that may take work to figure out what they were and learn how to address them. It's like, my H could completely stop doing the things that turned me off, but I'm still stuck with the baggage of years of being turned off by those things. I have to gradually let go and forget my resentment before I can even consider wanting to be intimate again. And then it will be a building process.

I think you must have both hidden your feelings from each other, for her to now be saying she's not attracted, when you mentioned that your sex life was great. It's not a good marriage if you're both stifling yourselves to make it appear like a good marriage; eventually you realize there's nothing there.

Sorry to not be more "everything's going to be fine" encouraging when you're down...that's not my style. But I do feel better in my sitch when I feel like I have a task to get to work on. I think you have stuff you can work on without her and let her sit for a while with her own stuff.

I'll be rooting for you, you seem like a very loving h.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 369
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Thanks sooooo much for your lengthy and awesome post!

I know that there are underlying issues which have eroded away at my W passion for me, I am working on then. One of the things which has been a big problem is that I have ever been good at putting my issues I have with my wife out there. I constantly brush them aside or do what I can to avoid the impending argument.

This is definitely an issue which I need to fix but is very hard to fix right now because I do not want to rock the boat too much.

One of the things that's driving me batty are the mixed signals. The making of so many plans, of talking about Christmas presents to eachother, re arranging our home for wither, buying seasons passes to go snowboarding and talk of taking a major trip together. All of this while there is NO affection towards me besides the occasional hug or "I love you" which I think might be more habit than anything.

I know OM is not in the picture physically or emotionally with the exception maybe that she might still think about him. I know there is no contact between them, however I also know that a poor sex life and poor home life will ultimately lead to her looking outside the marriage.

Adinva from a female perspective, what is your take on her wanting to go on a 7 day retreat?

I do think my sitch is solvable, it's just very difficult to measure what works and doesn't when I feel she has shut down her affection towards me.

Well that's all the time I have this morning, I will keep my head up, a smile on my face and hopes in my heart.


Me - 30
W - 28
M 4
t 6
ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011
Band-aid Jan 11'
ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
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