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#2178788 08/17/11 01:08 PM
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I just want to preface this by saying that myself and my husband are common law married. Approximately three years ago I found out that my H had an affair. With more than one woman. This happened right after we had our first child. Of course, I was devastated and very angry.

Before I found out that he had cheated he had already moved out. Said that he was tired of doing all the laundry (what?) and that he was financially stressed, but he still wanted the right to come and go as he pleased. Right before I found out that he had cheated I learned that I was pregnant with our second child. To his credit, he really did turn himself around. We moved into a new house within six months, but I was still angry, became depressed, distrustful and had low self esteem. In addition, he never stopped having an EA with his ex. Kept saying that they were just friends when I confronted him about it.

I asked him to go to couples counseling, to which he agreed about a year ago. He really liked the therapist at first, then he kept coming up with excuses not to go. At our last session I gave him an ultimatum - stop talking to her or I'm out. For about six months he did stop. He told me that was his wake up call. Things were not perfect, but they were much better. I was to the point where I could almost trust him again.

This summer, we have had a series of terrible fights. We agreed to end our relationship, but a lot of things were said in anger. Said that he loved me but that he wanted to have an open relationship. Also said that he had resumed talking to the ex. He told me that I had made him feel terrible by not supporting him and that he never wanted to feel that way again.

I finally figured out that I was depressed and had low self esteem. I immediately started to do things to make myself feel better. Started working out, eating more healthy, looking for a good job with benefits. I even tried to work on our relationship by being less confrontational, more supportive, etc. His response was extremely positive - more loving, talking about our future, and had even asked to go out on a date. Unfortunately, I had a moment of weakness when he left his cell phone at home. Confronted the OW and the end result was extreme anger on his part. I ended up sleeping in the extra bedroom for three days.

We have since talked briefly about the situation. While there was no screaming, I was furious and he was livid. I gave him a letter saying that I think he has always compared me to her and that he hasn't been happy for years. In past conversations he says that he wants to end things so that I will 'wake up.' Said that he wanted to make things official, but couldn't because he's not happy. He always says that, but when I ask him what he's doing to make himself happy he never has a response.

So here's where I am. He just started working a physically demanding job. Leaves at the crack of down and returns home exhausted. Very little time for anything but work and spending time with the kids. I'm don't know whether I should go back to what I was doing as it appeared to be working fairly well, or if its time for a 180. We still sleep in the same bedroom. He's affectionate, but I know that he's hurt. The confrontation may have caused issues, however, I am no longer angry at either of them. I have felt jealousy, anger and despair for three years. I have forgiven myself and them.

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I would find a therapist who specializes in Emotion Focused Therapy and it pro-M.


Me: 32/ H: 32/ S13/ D5
T: 15/ M: 8
Rock bottom: 4/11
ILYB: 5/11, but I knew it at least a yr before
Gaining acceptance: 8/11

You must be the change you wish to see. - Mahatma Gandhi
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I am going to therapy but I'm not sure if its doing anything for me. Also, we have both decided to start going to church, which I hope will lead to counseling with a pastor. Otherwise, I'm just not sure if I should just leave everything be for now, or pull away.

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What we recommend here is SOLUTION ORIENTED BRIEF THERAPY--which focuses on solutions. That's because you can work endlessly to understand your problems, but at the end of the day, you really really understand your problem, without understanding a solution. With SBT--you get to the solution much more quickly. If you still want -- you can get to understand your problem, but at least this way, you work to solve them.


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dbmod #2179606 08/20/11 02:33 AM
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Thanks for your response. It makes a lot of sense. The funny thing is that my counselor (our ex couples counselor) does specialize in SFBT (could have fooled me). I have already ordered some of Michele's books and I will be waiting under I have read them completely before I take action. So far, things are very mellow at home and he is being very loving and affectionate. Its strange what forgiveness can do for a troubled household.

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So today I am meeting with my therapist. I intend on talking to her about solution focused brief therapy. I have made a list of personal goals that I want to attain - things that I am already working on or am taking steps to pursue. I guess today's session will let me know if I should keep seeing her or look for a different therapist.

Relationship-wise things are okay. He's talking about our future again, no fights but knowing that he is likely carrying on with the OW is bothering me more each day. So what that they can't physically be in contact because they live 200 miles away? I just don't understand how he thinks I can get myself back if his actions chip away at my self esteem ever so slowly.

Still waiting for the books to arrive, so I will continue to read the articles and threads until I can take more pronounced actions.

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Wow. Its been a long time since visited this thread. Since that fateful day this past summer, things had started to move into the right direction. We went out at least once a week, we were communicating much more efficiently and we were not holding all of the little things in. I saw my therapist a few more times before deciding that we weren't a good match. Coincidentally, I had started looking for a new therapist for myself as well as H. We had a long, long talk a few days ago. He started to say the same thing again. He was happy initially but he felt like he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He kept flip flopping around. We both vented, talked about our hopes and fears and made a lot of headway. By the end I think we were both feeling relieved. We agreed to work on things, but we didn't put a real plan into action.

During our conversation H basically revealed that he's a serial cheater. Says that he only did it periodically. When I asked him if I could trust him he said no. I was pretty taken aback, but this is the most honest he has ever been. Over the years he has been more and more open, even if I didn't like what he was saying.

I asked him if he would be willing to see a counselor that specializes in sex therapy. I'm convinced that he is not a sex addict. Its the ego stroking, the affirmation that he gets from different women. He got quiet and said that he didn't want to talk about it right then. He had planned to go out with a friend this weekend, but I thought that the setting was very tempting. He was acting withdrawn - like he was guilty about something.

Before he left last night, I asked him what assurances he could give me. He got on his cell phone and never gave me an answer. I sent him a text a few hours later, telling him that only he was in control of the choices that he made. He texted me back saying that everything was okay. After he rolled in hours later I was already asleep. I went through his phone and saw that he had picked up a girl. The rest was pretty unsettling.

So, I got dressed and as I was on the way out, he asked where I was going. I asked him if he had a good time last night, then told him where to go...slammed the door. It was too early to visit any of my friends so I did some shopping. I felt the urge to cry, but I just couldn't. So angry and numb at the same time.

After I came back home I didn't say anything for about 1/2 an hour. Then I told him that I wasn't going to give him the silent treatment for the next few days. He said that he didn't have anything to say. So I told him what I thought about him - that he always ran when he got caught. That he would continue to make this mistake in future relationships because he was empty inside. I was angry, but I've been holding this in for years.

Now, I'm trying to find a cheap bed so that I can move into the other room. I'm going totally dark at this point. In reality, I know that I can't take this anymore and I can't save this relationship by myself. He acknowledges what he does, that its wrong, but he's pretty much decided that he's incapable of changing. Basically, he's decided that he's a bad person and that I'm better than him. He's said this himself. All of my support and reassurances just don't work. He is a troubled man that continuously ignores his issues and he will repeat this cycle for as long as he is able to get away with it.

I really don't know if I want him anymore. I know that going dark will make him repentant, but probably only long enough for us to get back together and him to fall back into his old ways. I know that he loves his kids dearly, but I am not willing to suffer just so that he can have unlimited access to them. Unless he truly starts to work on himself I will not even consider trying to reconcile.

So now, I know that I have to GAL. I'm taking the kids to church every Sunday, then going out to eat afterward. The idea is to spend as much time out of the house on Sunday as possible. H has the weekends off and we only have one car. So, every Sunday, he be stuck at home for hours on end while I am away from the kids. Every Friday or Saturday night I will go out with friends. I'm thinking about telling him to text me only. After I move into the other room, there will be no reason for us to be around each other at all after the kids go to sleep.

Also, I'm going to pick up painting again. I love oils, but the ventilation in our house isn't good enough. So I guess its watercolors for now. The lease will be up next summer, so I will also need to figure out where I am going to move.

Strangely, I feel relieved. I'm so tired of biting my tongue, not questioning him, 'trying' to trust him when I know in my heart that something isn't right. I don't care where he's going because he's not coming back to our bed. I'm completely and totally detaching from this emotionally and I feel a huge weight lifting off of me. If he really wants to make things work, he knows what to do. Anything less is completely unacceptable.

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A few interesting developments have come up in the past few hours. Just as soon as I wrote the last post H came home and asked if I wanted to watch a movie. Stupidly, I agreed. Of course, I poked, prodded and asked questions several times. He stayed mostly quiet, but he did answer me. He then asked me to go with him to get the kids snowsuits. I guess he felt that he needed my opinion. I know I'm supposed to be going dark, but I haven't even moved into the other room yet. But I have to be honest with myself. Being nice and loving hasn't been that much help yet.

The rest of the afternoon went smoothly enough. He dropped me and the kids off at the front of each store that we visited because it was raining. Asked me what I thought about the snowsuits that he picked out - I told him that it was up to him. Got the kids some food, came home and then he patted me on the back and said, "See you later."

While we were driving home I asked him a question about the kids' furniture and he asked if I was moving into the other room. I said yes and he got quiet and agitated. I do not understand why this man wants to live as a couple, sleep together, take our kids out together but still have the freedom to do what he wants. But then again, I'm not a cake eater.

Right now, I'm trying to order the most comfortable air mattress that money can buy. I figure it'll probably take me a little while to get settled, but I want to move into my own space as soon as possible. Over the summer I wrote him a letter - not an apology letter, but I didn't know better then. I assumed that he had just read it and threw it out, but I found it today while I was looking for my earrings. I read it again, and its we're both back at the same place. I don't feel as bad as I did then, but I still feel pretty stupid for believing that he would just stop lying overnight.

For him, the letter must have hit home. I think that he wants to be viewed as the good guy no matter what. Even though his morals are skewed at best, he wants to be my friend. Tell me about his day, call me during work. It isn't about the kids, this is him needing to be connected to someone. But I also know that he makes similar phone calls to other women.

I'm not sure what will come of this, but I also realized that we have never been 'apart' for any real period of time in over 7 years. Even when he moved out for a few months, he was over every single day for hours on end. This time, I believe that he won't get the picture until I am completely inaccessible unless it pertains to the kids. And that won't happen until I move out of the house. I'm thinking this might happen sooner than later, considering that he just landed a better paying job. Maybe one of his 'women' wants to move in and help him cover the bills.

I just know that I have to maintain my resolve and not believe any of his lies. I'm sure he'll be extra sweet and nice to me in the hopes that I'll sleep with him. I might just get a regular full sized bed instead of the air mattress. I can just see it now - him trying to talk me into moving back into 'our' room because 'sleeping on an air mattress just doesn't make sense.' Yeah, none of this makes any sense.

After I put the kids to bed I'll be able to get some work done. My plans are to be in my new room by Wednesday or Thursday at the latest. Might go back to the couch in the meantime. Boy, this is really exhausting.

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Just journaling again because4 I have to. Spent the day cleaning and organizing. A relative of H's came over to pick up some stuff for Halloween and seemed kind of nervous. He asked me to talk privately with them, they he just blurted out that I'd be okay without H. This relative was around through the crisis over the summer. He sort of talked to us both and provided us with feedback. I now keep all of my issues to myself because I know that family and friends can just cause more issues.

I asked him what he was alluding to, then he said that H told him a little about what's going on. H kept saying that he loved me, but that he wanted to leave. Again, he kept flip flopping. H's relative told him that I would be alright, and if he wanted to go that he should go. He also told H that he wouldn't ever be able to replace me. He told him that he wasn't happy, and the relative asked him why. Not surprisingly, he got no response.

I told the relative that I appreciated the info, and that I would figure out things on my own. This is typical behavior of H. I also realize that constantly confronting causes him to run away - its like we have a mother son relationship in many ways.

One highlight of the day came after I starting searching for information on serial cheaters. I found a blog of sorts that had over 100 responses from women in eerily similar situations. The outcome was always the same - more cheating, more lies, more heartbreak. The kids got up from their naps at about the same time and just wanted me to hold them for awhile. It was just a relief - I felt so free! Like I finally accepted the future that we have ahead of us. My life will be so much better without being preoccupied with H and his deceitful ways.

H didn't come home until after 8PM. I was folding laundry and said hi to him. He stood and helped me to fold, then he heated up dinner for himself. We watched only one show before he started snoring. He'd been drinking all day.

Before he conked out for the evening, H said that he wanted to go trick or treating with me and the kids. Usually he stays home to hand out candy and that was the plan until just now. I'm pretty impartial as its good for the kids to spend time with their dad.

I had to tell H to go to bed 5 or 6 times before he finally got up. I'm not looking forward to sleeping in the same bed as him, but I can't do the couch thing again. He'll likely be in a coma by the time I go to bed anyways.

Tomorrow starts bright and early for me. I felt much better getting 'ready' for the day, so I'm going to keep this up permanently. Tomorrow should be a fun day for myself and the kids. Its easier for me to say that I don't care what H thinks or how he feels. In my mind I have completely let go, but my heart has to catch up.

In a perfect world, he would realize the error of his ways after seeing me and the kids move on. But I know that this is not likely. If he wants his fun and his freedom over his family, then so be it. I'm not going to hold him back anymore.

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Woke up this morning promptly at 5 AM. H was making his own lunch, which is a change. He must have set his alarm clock earlier because he already out of bed, which is unusual for him. Heard him shower, get dressed then go out the door. I pretended to be sleep until I thought he left. Heard the car turn on, but he didn't leave right away. He had made so much noise getting dressed that I kind of hoped he was packing a bag.

I came into the living room so that I could get on the computer. I have some work due today and I want to get it knocked out early. Then I heard H at the door - he must have forgotten something. I unlocked the door and walked back to the computer. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. He got whatever he left and said see you later. I think I responded - I'm so out of it in the morning.

A quick survey of the bedroom revealed that he didn't pack a bag, so I guess he's staying home for now. At one point in the night I felt his arm around me, but he removed in a short while later. Things are different, strange and somewhat tense, but its not anything that bad. I feel somewhat embarrassed that I got 'caught' pretending to sleep. He probably thinks I was snooping or something.

I saw a rented DVD on the TV in the bedroom. Either he got bored at his friend's house or this is another peace offering. I probably won't hear from him too much today except for important stuff. Since its Halloween, I'm going to answer if he calls, but after today I think I'm going be much more selective. The less contact we have, the better.

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