Hi everyone, So I didn't post for a little while, but here I am.
I went to individual counseling yesterday afternoon, and I don't think it was particularly helpful. Nothing was really said that surprised me or was different. What I did find helpful and optimistic was the fact that I certainly did not cry and obsess as much as I did when I went to counseling in Arizona two weeks ago. I even told the counselor this and said that I have been feeling a little bit better about life, in general. She did point out that she thought I was doing well, considering the situation. I cried as to be expected, but she asked me if I felt angry, and I truthfully didn't (or don't) feel angry. I feel frustrated, but I'm definitely past denial and anger in this whole process (for right now). Who knows qhen that will change.
She encouraged me to try to assert myself to get my husband to come to marriage counseling with me again and to get a marriage counselor who wasn't quite pro-marriage. I explained that I thought that would be pursuing and would just be pressuring him more, and I guess she agreed with me to an extent, but she really thought it was a good idea. I'm not going to try this. She indicated early on that I seemed to be the pursuer and he seemed to be the distancer, which I agree with. She mentioned the scenario that I think Accuray once described with the 8 feet one way, 2 feet the other way. Right now, I am just going to continue giving husband space, not pursuing, and getting a life. I think that's all I can do.
My husband's birthday is today. I texted him this morning just to wish him a happy birthday and that I hope he has a nice day. He wrote back, "thank you, sophiedaphne" and I thought it was weird that he wrote my name in the message. It probably doesn't mean anything, though. It just seemed so sincere.
A friend of mine works on a boat on the north shore and invited me to hang out with him and some friends for the night. I ended up sleeping there since I live about an hour and a bit away, but I texted husband to say that I wouldn't be home, since this was a big complaint that he had this week. He thanked me for letting him know. Unfortunately, I also know that this one particular guy with whom I hung out with has a huge crush on me and kept telling me how he couldn't believe that my husband wanted to divorce me and that he saw it as a good thing. This guy has been a friend since high school (10th grade social studies, haha) and was the second person who I ever kissed... so there's some history there, and I know that I should be really careful in this situation. I tried to make it really clear that I was NOT interested in doing anything, but he totally respected that and he's a good guy and wouldn't try anything inappropriate. I just don't want to let my feelings take control.
Before I left yesterday, I cleaned up what I could in the apartment. I tried to leave it as neat as possible.
I do feel like I am making changes in my life for the better. I am happy to be getting a life and doing new things. I feel like I never would have had these experiences had it not been for this entire situation. Of course, I would love it if husband joined me on this journey, but I feel fortunate to be in this position right now in some ways.
I have been looking at potential rooms to rent out, but I still feel as if I should be able to stay in the apartment I'm in. I am going to take a look at a few rooms, I guess, just to see what's out there. I saw that husband is going to look at an apartment on Sunday, so at least he is doing what he needs to do.
I am going to call today to schedule another appointment with Chuck for, hopefully, next week.
So, I mean, overall I guess things are going well. I have moments where I become really sad and overwhelmed and depressed, but I guess that's normal. For everyone who has given me advice here, I really appreciate it.
Now we're discussing finances and things are getting kind of heated. Originally he offered to give me money every month so that I could keep living in our apartment, but we realized that this isn't financially possible. I guess I am going to have to move out, but I felt angry that he wasn't going to help anymore. On the other hand, I guess why should he have to.
You may want to get back to talk to an L again before you agree to anything financial with your H. You don't want to give up any rights that you may have. Remember - you need to protect yourself right now. Sorry to hear about the apartment situation - the thought of having to move really makes me upset, too.
Hey everyone, I spent the last few days looking at apartments. I've found one that I like and that I can afford, so I will be moving out on July 1st.
He had initially offered to give me money towards the apartment each month, and I accepted. He realized that he couldn't really afford that either, and we got into a huge argument. He told his mom and dad how selfish and greedy I was and how he thought at some point this could be worked out, and now he DEFINITELY felt that it could not be worked out, because of my selfishness. We've worked out the financials and everything is in different accounts at the moment. It worked out as I had hoped, so fortunately that went ok.
Last night he wasn't supposed to come home, but he did. We had a long discussion about how we are going to divide up property and stuff. I have to say that I did not cry or freak out once. This, to me, is a huge step, because I have not been able to talk to him without crying. We agreed about some other problems we'd had. He said that we restricted each other. He even said, like, I know you've been going out and having a good time. It wouldn't have been that way when we were together. Which is very true.
He has decided not to move back to Australia in December (probably) because he doesn't want to be completely uprooted again. He'll stay in that apartment and he will take care of the cats, which I am glad for, because I would never have been able to find an apartment that would take both cats.
I am trying to be more generous and sympathetic towards him. I've been taking care of things around the apartment and offering more help, since one of his biggest complaints has been my selfishness.
He said that when I move out, I could still come by to do my laundry and to visit with the cats, which will be nice, though it will probably be when he isn't home (that's what he suggested). He also offered to help me move. I said I had a friend who would help me, but he insisted, so I guess I'll accept his help.
We had a friendly conversation, he showed me which couch he was going to buy and suggested that I get one just like it. It was like talking to an old friend, I guess.
I do feel bad that I've been so selfish. I told him that I was seeing an individual counselor and that I was learning to change these behaviors. He also hates that I still let my parents impact my decisions, so I am going to really start trying to think for myself.
He thanked me for talking to him last night. I think I did really well validating his feelings.
I am looking forward to starting over in a new apartment, even though my cats won't be there. It has a little patio, too, so maybe I could get some flowers or grow vegetables or something. Who knows.
I have a (guy) friend and I can tell he really likes me. It's nice to get the attention right now. But I know I shouldn't pursue it.
I don't know what's to come. I think it will be harder now that we won't be living in the same apartment. Maybe he'll see that I am really making changes, because I really am.
Even today, I had messaged him to tell him when I was moving out, since I spoke with the realtor, and we had a perfectly normal conversation. It's really strange.
