My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. No children. We've been through our ups and downs, he's left me twice before, only to come back less than a week later. He was in the military for 4 years, and we survived 2 deployments. One where he was sent to a combat zone and suffered a seizure. He has a lot of regret and sadness over what he had to do while overseas, and I believe suffers greatly from that. He used to be so open with his feelings, and now every emotion is anger. Sadness, frustration, loneliness, hurt, all come out as anger. But, I digress...
Our relationship wasn't what it could have been. We were constantly fighting, both of us stuck in a rut. Not going anywhere. In May he said we needed a divorce, I cried, pleaded, and begged. He said he was going to move out and we'd take things slow. Date again, build the relationship up and start new.
Shortly after he told me that he had an opportunity for work in his home state, about an hour from where his sister lives. He would be there for a short time, then return home. A week and a half later he revealed the truth, he had actually took a permanent transfer down there. He had no intention of coming home or being with me. He was living with his sister. He wanted a divorce. He told me he still loved me, but didn't want to love me. There was no hope for our marriage. (I might as well add this in here, I truly do not believe he has been unfaithful.)
I was heartbroken, and we talked. Again he said that we would work on things. Take things VERY slow. We had tentative plans to meet up soon, kind of to rekindle and see how it would go. I was upset a few times and turned to him, he always told me that we were communicating and it was okay and he loved me. We were working on it. He truly was trying. He is still paying part of the rent here, as I cannot pay it all myself. He also pays my car insurance and cell phone bill. I offered to transfer it to my name, he said I didn't need to worry about it.
Then I got pushy. He tells me that I need to relax, that I don't need to talk to him all of the time to be okay. That if he didn't answer right away, it wasn't because he was ignoring me it was because he was busy and he would get to me when he could. I pushed the relationship thing, the moving back together thing. We got into an argument about it on Thursday. Friday he sends me a message and tells me he's having doubts. We talk a little bit, I tell him it's okay to have doubts. It's okay to be scared, but you can't let that control you. He tells me he hopes he doesn't keep feeling that way and that he loves me.
I'm just... sick. I'm confused. I don't know where we stand and I don't know how to make this any better. He tells me he loves me every day. He texts me, and when we talk on the phone he's always talking non stop. I just try and listen. I'm really trying to back off, but it's hard. It's so hard when all I want to do is to scream at him to make a choice, and choose me.
I'm just sick to my stomach all of the time. I don't know where else to go, I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid I'm going to mess up and say/ do the wrong thing and push him away. It's torture. He says he is still wearing his wedding ring. He isn't interested in other women. When we talk, it does turn sexual sometimes. It's one of the ways we connect the best, and one of the most neglected parts of our marriage.
I don't even know if we still have plans to get together... either him come up here or I go down there. I would prefer to see him down there, as I feel there is a lot of negative feelings in our home. Should I just let him bring it up?
What do I do? I'm so lost and scared and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. Any wrong step and he could be gone forever. Please, any advice you can give me would be amazing.
Your first posts will be moderated so will take a while to show up. Members will soon start responding to your thread, but remember that it will also take them a while to see your posts and to respond.
Read posts here, even respond to other's posts with encouragement if you feel up to it, it will help get you off moderation quickly. Also, reading and engaging in other's posts will help encourage others to read and engage in your thread.
Have you picked up and read Divorce Remedy? It has all the DB tools you need. This board is here to get additional support and to help us move forward. Use it to journal in short bursts, every day or so.
Try to keep to one thread so members have a full picture of your sitch and where you are at.
My husband and I are living apart now (an 8 hour drive). One of the things I'm concerned about is how we can ever work on us without seeing each other. How did you deal with the distance?
HBW,
Since you are on moderation, I missed your question on my thread.
I’m short on time, so I have to make this quick. The easy answer is I kept my schedule very active. There wasn’t much down time. Also, I worked on myself based on the complaints that my W had about me.
There isn’t much you can do about the distance. You still have contact with him, so there is still an avenue to interact with your H. Try to make every single interaction a positive one. Putting pressure on him will only push him away.
In your first post, you mentioned that you told your H not to allow FEAR to control him. Guess what you are doing?
You can’t talk your way out of something that you acted your way into. Actions speak louder than words. Time to get busy. If you want to work on the relationship, it starts with you. Figure out how you contributed to the demise of your marriage and begin fixing them. Show him that you are willing to make changes.
Have you read the Divorce Remedy?
Keep posting to keep us updated on how we can help and to get yourself off moderation.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I agree with everything LITB said (amp on 11 for the part about fear controlling you right now) and would like to add that your H has asked for space and you need to dig deep and give it to him.
Familiarize yourself with Sandi's 37 Rules. Focus on you and how you can be the best HBW possible.
DBing is first and foremost about ensuring that you come out of this in the best shape possible, no matter the outcome. The residual benefit could be that you end up saving your marriage.
It sounds like your H could be depressed. You will have every urge to save him, but you need to let go as it's his journey to take.
There is a wealth of information and caring from both the veterans and folks who've only been around a short while.
Read lots. Post often. Figure out your role in the breakdown of the marriage and 180 those things, and GAL in a way that makes you feel healthy and good about yourself.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Oh, and you deal with the distance by focusing on you and building your life in the absence of your H. In time you will understand and appreciate what this means.
I have found that physical distance and not living under the same roof is one of the things that has benefitted me most.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
I have found that physical distance and not living under the same roof is one of the things that has benefitted me most.
I actually asked a question related to this in my thread, so I'm glad to find it here. I have a choice, and that's where I'm leaning because I think it'll give her more space and it'll keep me from going crazy.
