Hi, my husband seems amenable to going to a 2-day session with Michele with me. He says he loves me but is not hopeful. Do you all think it's really worth it now or should I wait to see if things get better or worse on their own before I decide? Hope this question makes sense.
If you both want to work on the M and are committed to the work that will be required, and if you can afford it, then go. Know that it won't be easy for either of you but if you apply yourselves, you will have a decent chance.
I'm wishing you all the best!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I've read many times that 90% of the time when you go to marriage counseling of any kind, one spouse is motivated and one is resistant. The resistant spouse is going to do one or more of (1) convince the other person it's their fault and get a third party to weigh in on that, (2) help the other person find peace with the face that it's over, or (3) try to fix their spouse by laying out all their problems for the counselor.
The common thread is that they're not going to do anything themselves. That's why most marriage counseling doesn't really work.
That said, the fact that he's willing to go at all is a huge positive, and a good counselor may be able to do something with the opening and start to turn things around. Since Michele is supposed to be one of the best, I don't think you can go wrong taking the chance.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I totally appreciate the advice. I am going to call and find out tomorrow how much it costs and what her availability is. Our situation is strange. My H still says he loves me and respects me more than any woman he's ever known. He just doesn't want to be married. No A. He just wants to be alone, he says.
I've been around for a while -- not as long as others, but a while. Typically when you get the ILYB.... speech, it's because there is another person involved. So many threads here start out with "my spouse would never do that" and then at some point all is revealed.
That doesn't mean that you should DO anything differently, but it does help you to set your expectations. Usually while OW is involved, you really can't make any progress on repairing your marriage -- all you can do is not make things worse, or "tread water" as they say.
Only when OW is gone and there is no longer any contact will H start to emerge from the fog, but first he's going to grieve the loss of the relationship during which time he'll be very hard on you.
I really hope I'm wrong, and maybe Michelle can smoke it out if it is happening, but be aware that if you are a DB star and are seeing no results, it's quite likely because there is OP involved that you're not aware of yet.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Yes, I get what you're saying totally. It's just that I have access to his Facebook, can check his cell phone records because the family plan is in my name, he still wears his wedding ring because, he says, as long as he's married he intends to wear it and honor his commitment. He's also always home in the eves with no visitors and doesn't travel. So I guess it's possible but it just seems unlikely. But his behavior does seem odd, I agree. Thanks for the reality check. When weve been apart for awhile he will say that he's just confused and willing to work on things. So DBing does help.
