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Hi Folks,

This is not my primary thread it is here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2244111&page=all
That is where I am trying to get myself in order.

I am starting this one for "real time" communication feedback as it looks like I could be using some help in this area. Things have taken a sudden turn with my W, and I am seeking critique/feedback on how we are communicating.

Long story short my W's sister underwent a medical procedure, had complications and almost passed away which caused my W to reach out to me. Here is what has transpired, this was from last night:

W: Hey. Just wanted to let you know that X had gastric surgery last Thursday and went home Sunday morning. She was rushed back Sunday night and Monday morning they discovered that she lost a staple and was leaking GI fluid. Honestly she almost left us yesterday. She had wash out surgery but Dr. couldn't find the leak so they're sucking out her bodily fluids trying to allow enough time for her tissue to join to avoid further GI leak. Getting lots of antibiotics and has a team of specialists dedicated to her recovery. I've been with her since Sunday night and will likely be here another few days while they test for leak issues after heal time.

Me: I'm sorry she had complications, I will say a prayer for her. What hospital is she at? If you would like to talk anytime call me anytime, or if there is something I can do for you or the kids just say the word.

W: We are at X in X You can tell your mom to pray if you like. Ex-H dad is staying with the kids at the house this week.

Me: With your blessing I will come there tonight, but I understand if you prefer I don't. I offer my support to whatever degree you feel comfortable.

W: If you have any free time and you want to do me a favor your can order her a small flower arrangement with flowers that aren't too scented (so she doesn't get sick). I will pay you back for them but it'd be nice to see something pretty in here since we'll be here all week.

Me: Like that wasn't going to already happen... You swore you knew me on Sunday ;-)

W: Don't go overboard cause my money is tight till I sell the BMW. :-) Thank you. She will be happy. Please don't write alot in the card. She can't even see so someone will have to read it for her anyway and it's best if it's not awkward, ya know. You did forget our anniversary though. I do know you. You just don't want to admit it. One day you will though.

Me: Understood. But I will never admit to something I didn't do. I didn't forget our anniversary. Your fired me as your husband so I didn't really feel it was an occasion to celebrate, and I didn't think you would have welcomed any gesture. Despite your maybe not wanting to hear it, you need to know that I love you very much and that I will be praying for X, you, and your family, because that's the truth. Can we talk for a minute?

W: Thanks. She needs it. I'll admit I'm exhausted too. I haven't slept but a wink here and there since Sunday. It's tiring. No, I gotta stay in the room with her.

Me: Is nobody else coming to give you breaks? Your Mom or Sister? I can come and give you a break.

W: Mom and Sister are here during they day. They don't have sitter in the evening. Patient's exH helps. She doesn't want anybody to see her.

Me: I'm en route to hand deliver flowers unless you specifically order me not to. Let me support my wife and family during this time of crisis.

W: Don't come, she has declined visitors in the last hour and doesn't want to see anyone except me Mom and Sister.

At this point she calls me and vents for about ten minutes with the details of what's going on. I just listen and validate her feelings, nothing about us. As we're getting off the phone I say I Love you W and she says I know you do, thank you H.

Time passes

Me: How is X and how are you?

Her: Moving her to intensive care. I'm as good as expected. Tomorrow morning is key. They'll chekc for leak and more infection.

Me: Please call me anytime if you want to talk to someone and keep me posted. I am here for you and will get on the road in a minutes notice. Ok? I really wish I could be there with you.

W: I'm fine. I'm not the one who needs support right now so don't feel bad. I'm good. Thank you though

Me: I know you. I know how you're taking on a majority of the support responsibility and not sleeping. Anything you need or I can do say the word. I love you. You do need support you're just too strong to ask for it. Please get some sleep.

This morning I texted her "Good Morning, How's she doing?" and have received no response. I am somewhat worried but hope that she's sleeping. Given our discussion yesterday it is quite possible her sister may have passed overnight.

I sent the flowers with just a get well soon message on the card.

I would appreciate any feedback on this communication exchange I know I am violating some of the rules, but given the nature and seriousness of this situation I feel it is important to be ME in this case and be a loving and supportive husband. I don't think it's appropriate for the reverse psychology mindgames that DB sometimes requires for now, for example she needs to hear and know that I love her and will do anything for her and family given her sister could very well be on her death bed.

Thanks any advance for any feedback you can provide and good luck to all with your respective sitch's!


me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!
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So it seems W's sister is improving. Here is today's string:

Me: My Mom, her church family, and I are praying for X and all of you. I hope everything is working out and she is doing better this morning.

W: Waiting for CT results. CT looks good no leaking.

Me: That's great news! Flowers should be there by 2:30 or so.

W: Yay! Thank You!! That's so nice of you! How much do I owe you?

Me: (Attached photo of torn up check for car payment this month). You're welcome. Here is your post dated check. Hopefully money won't be a stress point for you this month.

W: Thank You!! That will def help. :-) That's very sweet of you. You didn't have to do that.

Me: You're welcome. I know I didn't have to do anything. It's called unconditional love, which is all I have and have ever had for you and the kids, despite my prior errors in showing it. Please keep me posted on how she is doing and let me know if there is anything I can do. She is going to be OK.

She'll probably send me a pic when the flowers arrive. I'm wondering if I should send an "I'm thinking of you" message to W's Mom and other sister. Probably going to hold off that one since we haven't spoken in almost a year.

I am viewing all of this as positive interactions with my W. Obviously she isn't significantly emotionally involved with anyone else or she would not have reached out to me in this way.

She knows I have always been there for her, hopefully this unfortunate situation will serve as a catalyst to reminder her of that fact.


me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!
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Broken74, go easy, I think you are going to overwhelm her if you are not careful. Ease up on the "I love you"s and talk of love, just be available if she needs you.


Me:53
W:50
M:29 years
T: 30 years
Children: S21, D12
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Thanks Robb, you're right. When I reread I need to tone it down. I'm sure when the crisis passes she will be pulling back away. No more ILY's just being there as a friend. My actions have said my piece for me, no reason for me to do any further talking at this point. I appreciate your feedback!


me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Joined: Feb 2006
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You are crowding her for your own reasons. The crisis with her sister has gone on for less than 48 hours. I don't think you needed to tear up the check and impose a gift on W that she did not ask for (and tell me again how you don't equate money with love?). She asked for help to get her sister flowers from her. Stop trying to invade the family space. Quit burdening her with having to manage you and with having to keep turning you down.

A few questions:

(1) Why do you persist in lying about forgetting your anniversary. In fact, you did forget it.

(2) Is W aware that you are involved in a sexual relationship with a very young woman who you claim is better for you than W? I doubt that she would be involving you in her family life if she did. It is really kind of a gross feeling to watch her reach out to you while you are involved in a PA that she doesn't know about.

(3) How does contributing money to college funds of children you have not really parented and who you've known a very short time because you love them amount to "unconditional love" when it ends with D?

(4) W will never know if she wants help or support from you unless you give her a chance to discover that rather than shoving it down her throat. Try this post: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post679252


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Thanks Oltimer, for your questions and especially for the post link, that is a good one and I get it.

You are right I am reading too much into this entire scenario. I got overly excited because she reached out to me because that implies when the rubber meets the road she came to me instead of somebody else.

The reason that I tore up the check is that she alluded that money is tight is this month. It's not so much a gift as a way of removing a stress point from her why she has everything else going on. I don't equate love and money, unfortunately when you have it and your S doesn't and is having problems in that area, it is a natural reaction to help. Insert my broken bird/white knight syndrome here.

1) I prepared for our anniversary, I still need to look at the certificate to make sure it was the 11th. I would have bet my life it was the 21st. The pictures I got framed and was going to give to her I will pick up on Friday. I have never missed a special day to her, I am not going to own up to that at this point in my sitch. Maybe I'll fess up later about it but not now.

2) I have sent pictures of myself with the OW to my wife in the heat of argument within the past two months. Given our comm's I assume she is still seeing someone to some degree, and she should assume the same of me. I don't see how I am involved in a PA when she fired me with the separation papers. I wanted to avoid this scenario all along and work on our marriage, she has not.

3) Although I wasn't the best (REMINDER I HAD NO EXPERIENCE), I have been the best father figure those children have ever had. I helped with homework, I played with them frequently, I took them places and did things with them they had never experienced. I am doing what I think is right by them because I am their stepfather. If my W divorces me, I will no longer be their stepfather. Some people on here say they will continue to persue their relationship after D. I will not be doing that. I could be friends with my first ex-wife, because I never truly loved her. If we get D, I will likely sever all ties and not speak to her/them again. I wouldn't be able to deal with the pain. Through this experience I know I want to be a father and positive influence in a child's life. If she divorces me that money will going into a fund with for my future child.

4) Thank you for that post, it is very enlightening.

I am subconsciously trying to improve my sitch at the expense of her family crisis, which is wrong and she will probably resent me for. So what I was taking as a positive in reality may be a negative in the long run.

I'm guilty of two things, 1) doing what I think is right/what my gut tells me to do and 2) telling her how I feel.

Thanks again for your post oldtimer your insight although painful at times is always tremendously helpful.


me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
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Honesty ≠ owning up to things when they work for you and lying about them when they don't.

You are even now trying to lie to yourself about forgetting your anniversary when two days ago you pretty matter-of-factly acknowledged forgetting it.


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"&#8800" = "not equal"


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OT I believe honesty is what is needed on these boards! I read your reply in another thread to Broken. I don't think it matters how early or further along any of us are in our sitches, most of the time we all need to be hit with a MAJOR 2x4 of truth.

Broken...I really don't know what to add. What I do know is telling your W how you feel is going to drive her further away, she knows how you feel. And having a PA is not the answer, especially when the OW does not know all the facts. She is just a distraction from the current situation.

JMHO

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Originally Posted By: Broken74
2) I have sent pictures of myself with the OW to my wife in the heat of argument within the past two months. Given our comm's I assume she is still seeing someone to some degree, and she should assume the same of me. I don't see how I am involved in a PA when she fired me with the separation papers. I wanted to avoid this scenario all along and work on our marriage, she has not.


Originally Posted By: Broken74
3) Although I wasn't the best (REMINDER I HAD NO EXPERIENCE), I have been the best father figure those children have ever had. I helped with homework, I played with them frequently, I took them places and did things with them they had never experienced. I am doing what I think is right by them because I am their stepfather. If my W divorces me, I will no longer be their stepfather. Some people on here say they will continue to persue their relationship after D. I will not be doing that. I could be friends with my first ex-wife, because I never truly loved her. If we get D, I will likely sever all ties and not speak to her/them again. I wouldn't be able to deal with the pain. Through this experience I know I want to be a father and positive influence in a child's life. If she divorces me that money will going into a fund with for my future child.


I think you REALLY need to think about the questions OT has asked you previously and your honest answers. Because your actions do not line up with those.

I had no experience myself when I became a stepmother. But I love my stepson with all I have. And I can tell you right now, if his father and I do D, I will NOT be letting that stop me from having a relationship with him. No I may not be his stepmother anymore, but I value my relationship with him too much to just throw it away because his dad and I couldn't work things out. (Especially since you say you are the "best" father figure they've had.)

I also think you REALLY need to think about your motivation for wanting to save your marriage. Because if you can give up your relationship with your stepchildren so easily, and be involved in a PA (technically you're still M, regardless of what your WAS is doing) it makes me think you're not serious about your wife or them.

Just my opinion.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
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