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#2245888 05/17/12 08:02 AM
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Hi,

Another newbie....

First I want to thank you as I had my first DB Coaching session with Cheryl and it was just so good to let it all out! It was also uplifting to feel like I am not crazy for still wanting this marriage. She gave me some advice and as she said it doesnt seem like the 'natural' response, but its the way to go for DBing.

I have been reading these postes almost manically for the past three day, almost hopeful, always fearful of what i will read. I feel like a fool sometimes for wanting to hold on to hope. My H has been gone so long it seems. Physically, mentally and emotonally. He moved out in October 2010 (less than a month after his father passed away-his mother passed away when he was 14) and several months after he told me that he didnt want me anymore. Yes, we have two young kids, yes he was having an EA with OW and yes, he is now having a full fledged affair with her. She has been involved in our marriage longer than I knew.

Yes, he wants a D, he is unhappy with me, etc. I know this is the same story, different post. And for awhile I did think it was only my story. Only his story. But i know now its not. Its all of our stories. I hope to find some much needed relief here. Hope. and security for my family. I hope to offer support as well to you. I messed up. I suffocated him when he asked for space. I did not get that at first. Now I do. I am still learning to let go, aware that this is the only chance for hope. I want my H back. I want my family back. Only you understand that.

I thought i tried everything and then I found this website. I wuold like to think that there is a good reason for that.

I look forward tpo getting to know you.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
bustingout #2245960 05/17/12 02:48 PM
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Welcome to the board.

You can always have HOPE but you can Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Hope is within YOU and no one can take that away.

Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2245983 05/17/12 03:35 PM
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Get the DR book and read that ASAP. Post often and tell us more details. Things will start to improve in a while



1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





Rick1963 #2245984 05/17/12 03:45 PM
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Hi bustingout,

welcome to this roller coaster of a ride. It sounds like you've been separated for a while.

How has life been since your H moved out? Do you have any contact with him now? If so, what is it typically like?

Does he have contact with your kids?

What are you doing for yourself? Are you seeing a C?

Come here often to share, vent, read.

There are people who are newbies like you, and there are people who have "been there, done that". You'll be able to find support, get an occasional 2x4 (if needed), and will hopefully find some good laughs along the way.


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


nhmom #2246649 05/19/12 01:46 PM
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Hi, thank you for your warm welcome. I had to order the DR book and it will be arriving on Thursday (ironically the same day at my 11th wedding anniversay now that I think about it...)

Up until a month ago, I have been 'trying' to make things work--I realise NOW I did EVERYTHING WRONG (talking, pleading, asking him to read, saying I wont give up, etc). So while he has not been living at home for awhile, i never in my heart considered us SEPERATED but rather, WORKING ON IT.

I was in lala land. I now consider us seperated.

He is in full R with OW. He has not been in contact for a week since he told me this (he told me so that I wouldnt have to hear it from gossip). Has not called the kids since he told me this either. (I assume this is guilt?)


I don't want to write too much as I understand I am still on moderation.

But right now I have basically decided to 'give in' let go (i guess this is what is meant by detach?) and actually realise this is happening for a reason. For my family's sake, I have decided to go the DB way.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
nhmom #2246682 05/19/12 05:14 PM
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Hi nhmom,

thank you for your welcome. Yes, we have been living seperately for awhile, but in my heart/mind I have only accepted seperation as a status a month ago. He wants to rush a D. I just can't process this all so fast (again - in my heart and mind i have accepted seperation only a month ago). He has an OW.

Since he moved out, when he is town, he comes home everyday after work. we eat dinner, talk with kids, bedtime, then he leaves. I say when he is in town because when he first left, his father had just passed away and H coped I think by running. He found every excuse to leave the country for work.

Over the past year it has been smoother. We talked more, laughed sometimes and he would even stay SOMETIMES after the kids slept to chat or have a drink

But then it started to get bumby again. He would get moody, shut down, I realise now it was because the whole time this OW was in his head and life. I found out about her last summer, but he swore it was just an EA and over. and that he didnt want to work on the M.

He is in a full physical R with her now.

I did nothing for myself at first. I was devestated, depressed. I spirlled downwards. The only positive result for me was weight loss. But what a way to lose weight.

I see now what I was doing wrong (almost everyone of the 37 rules BROKEN). But i just coudnt wrap my head around this. I think i can now. Really see the light. I fear it may be too late. He has been away for almost two months now for work. OW with him.For past month have had minimal contact, and a week ago when he told me about his intentions for a full physical affair with OW, I stopped contact all together. He has not called the kids in over a week. That is not his style usually (guilt?).

I know i need to GAL and 180s. Not seeing a C but have started DB telephone sessions. Had my first one last week with Cheryl. I receive my DR book on Thursday.

He is supposed to come back next week. I am anxious about seeing him although Cheryl did give me advice on this.

I dont want to write too much as I am aware that on moderation posts shouldnt be too long.

Thank you for 'listening'.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
nhmom #2246730 05/19/12 08:22 PM
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I have been going through so many posts... I understand about the 180s and GAL but if my H is going through MLC does that change things? Or do I just leave him be and drop the rope?

The last interaction I had with my H was an email from him saying that he asked OW for a ' relationship' . I responded with "thanks for telling me. Just keep it in juba ( the city he is currently working in) and not bring it home to where me and the kids are" .i haven't heard back for a week. plus I am not contacting gym either.

How do I know if he is in MLC ? Does it matter for DB ing? I mean do the techniques change?

I miss my family as a whole, i truly love the man I am married to, but am ready to do this alone. What does that mean?


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
nhmom #2246735 05/19/12 08:29 PM
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Sorry one more thought...how does H become so cold and adamant ? To say he doesn't even want to try? How do all those years (known each other 23) not mean anything and how can our two kids not be enough of a reason to try and find a way to work forward? Is this because of the OW?


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
nhmom #2246811 05/20/12 08:14 AM
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Hi-

I have been anxious about the return of H after an almost 2 month absence as well as knowing he is now in R with OW. Running through my head are various images of him being 'happy' smug, gloating, 'in love' . And I imagine my reaction. But then I realised that I shouldnt wait to see how he is to decide my reaction. I will be who/what I want to be no matter what he is doing (i hate imagining what he does with her-yuck and stomach churning). Its my decision to act the way I want to be, not a reaction to him. Its my decision to DB and therefore that means no longer doing this to try and get a reaction out of him. Right? I am doing this for me right now. It almost doesnt matter what he says, does or think.
I think I am starting to finally get my head around all of this.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
bustingout #2246945 05/21/12 12:37 AM
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So sorry you're going through this. I have learned that with OW in the picture you really have no control anymore. They have to ride it through, so to speak.

I read that 75% of relationships that start through affairs don't last. I'm not trying to get your hopes up but they really are not living in reality and it will set in sooner or later. It's just the waiting and hoping that will kill you. So that's why doing the GAL activities is a must.

If you haven't already, I would suggest you read through my first and second thread if you have the time. The advice from "Accuray" is quite amazing. Here's the link:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...135#Post2229135


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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