WAW learning to be a passenger

[Brit45]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2247680&page=1

Here's my last post from the previous thread:

Woke up this morning. Cried some more. Thought a lot about what everyone has said here.

I look at my actions and I'm not proud for several reasons. But I think many of us can say that here. Rarely anything done during the break up of a marriage in the heat of emotion is done in a way that you can look back and hold your head up. My H did it as best he could and he certainly did it.

He held it all in. Did nothing. Said nothing. He did that way before we split up which led to him resenting me, being cold, impatient, distant sometimes outright nasty but in a P/A way and me acting out to get any reaction from him.

I've stopped coping with alcohol and male attention. I've started to take a look at my faults/issues. I don't want to be the person I was in the M, or how I dealt with the problems, or how I acted in the split.

I don't want to ever burden him with my regret, hurt, shame, confusion, sadness, or unrequited love. He kept saying this isn't fair and I think this is what he meant. I get it. It's mine. All those things listed above are mine. I have to deal with them. None of them are his fault anymore than the entire breakdown of our marriage was his fault. We both played a part.

I truly honestly don't know anymore if there will be a chance for us. I have thought so for the past few months. But now...I'm not so sure. He is swiftly advancing his new relationship, he believes there are things he won't get past with us, he doesn't recognize anything he did wrong just that we didn't work. He remembers more of the bad than the good. I think I need to accept that.

[R33]

Hi Brit

I have followed your sitch with interest as mine has developed and I can say that I truly feel for you right now.

Once realisation hit home you have worked tremendously hard to rectify your mistake - everyone makes mistakes and you should try to let go of the guilt you are currently feeling.

As a LBS, I can sympathise with your new found position and the torture that comes with the realisation of the errors we make as individuals within a relationship that ultimately leads to its breakdown.

This is a very steep learning curve, life is about continuous learning and improving ourselves from the mistakes we make and the decisions that map our lives.

You have held yourself together admirably and I can only commend you on your behaviour in recent weeks and months - it appears that your H is caught in the honeymoon period of a new relationship.

Ask yourself this, has he reflected sufficiently to improve himself or has he taken the same person into a new relationship to reduce the hurt he felt?

At this particular moment when he looks at you he probably feels hurt and does not seem to have got past what he probably perceived as a betrayal on your part - the new woman has not hurt him (yet) in such a deep way and you have to accept that right now he is probably very very wary of you.

I know that may seem hard to hear.

I think you may have to let go, for now, he has stated that timing is everything and probably does not trust the changes he sees right now - it will all still be very raw.

Keep improving, keep the changes going - but do it for yourself.

If he comes back then good, if not then you will find that these changes will serve you well in any new relationship you may find moving forward.

One word of advice - do not seek solace in the arms of another man until you feel ready.

Could do with some advice from the other side of the fence on my thread if you have time.

Thoughts are with you. :-)

[1702]

Brit,
I'd really like to discuss this with you later this evening. I am having problems with being able to post, but maybe things will be taken care of by the time I get off work. The reasons I would like to discuss this is that I am on the other end of what you are saying, but my WAW doesn't want to take any responsibility for walking away and giving up. I am the one having the problems of moving on and I am the one that doesn't know if there will be a chance for us.

[Truegritter]

I've stopped coping with alcohol and male attention. I've started to take a look at my faults/issues. I don't want to be the person I was in the M, or how I dealt with the problems, or how I acted in the split.

Ok. Now the hard part begins. The real work as we say here.

We know what happened. You hvae taken the first step and gained the awareness of what you did and what part it had in the demise of your M.

Now

WHY did you do this? Why did you choose to behave this way?

I truly honestly don't know anymore if there will be a chance for us.

So is this where you quit? Is this the hill you die on? What are you prepared to do for your M. For yourself. If you are not guaranteed it can be saved?

he believes there are things he won't get past with us, he doesn't recognize anything he did wrong just that we didn't work. He remembers more of the bad than the good. I think I need to accept that.

How long has is it taken you to come to see your part in this and own it? Until you woke up in tears with the truth of it?

It is hard business growing up. But everyone is capable of it.

He doesn't know that for himself

and he doesn't believe that of you ... right now.

Why are you doing this?

How much of his rejection will you take?

You failed in your vows in the past, what is it that is holding you to them this time?

[breakdownbill]

Hi Brit

I've been following your threads since you started posting here, but I've held back on saying anything because you were getting so much good advice from the vets.

Now I know your sitch is different from mine, but I can see some similarities & being a LBH I can kind of relate to your H's side of things. My W had an emotional affair, which led to a physical affair, she denies sleeping with him, but she may well have done. To complicate things this OM is her dance partner, who she still dances with every Friday night.

Now with your sitch, you initiated the separation because you'd had enough, your H although may have been unhappy also, was not self aware of his unhappiness. When you slept with a CW, you not only cheated on him, you hurt his pride further through who you did it with.

I can tell you from my own experience the thought of your W, with another man, changes the way you see them (it did for me- anyway). ML for men is largely what brings us closer to women emotionally, it's a closeness, a connection an expression of how a couple feel about each other. It's special.

Now when you were in WAW mode, he would have literally went through the mill, felt worse than he ever did, been so vulnerable, every action you took then, would have hurt him & it would have took a lot for him to get back on his feet. He's scared of going through that again Brit.

You have to tell yourself that the R you had with your H as it was is over. You ended it, he moved on & now you regret your decision. The real hard work starts now & to be fair, you've already started working hard on yourself. But forget about the old R with your H that is gone, if you guys get back together it will be a new R, with dating, building it up from the bottom.

I know you're really down at the moment and you've also had to hear a lot of harsh things on here over the past few days, but I know you are strong enough to deal with it, overcome these issues & be that Brit that you want to be. Just take it slowly, smaller steps and keep posting.

Bill

[Brit45]

Thanks Bill I really needed to hear that. I agree with what you said....it did change the way he looked at me. You are right as well it will/would be a new R. Even he's said that. That it would have to be a new love story.

Now when you were in WAW mode, he would have literally went through the mill, felt worse than he ever did, been so vulnerable, every action you took then, would have hurt him & it would have took a lot for him to get back on his feet. He's scared of going through that again Brit.

The entire time he said nothing. He supported me. He was kind. He never let me see him cry. (except for once when he was really really hungover and had had a horrible night) He always said he wanted me to be happy and only wanted my happiness. in this respect he's shown me what he wants me to give him. Because I feel so low I wonder if I actually have it in me. If I am that good of a person. I really want to be.

WHY did you do this? Why did you choose to behave this way?

I don't have an answer for this .... not right now. And actually in a way that's a change. Because I think in the past I would try to explain myself...I don't know the answer to this not yet. I want to find it out. and I want to stop. I want to have a R with integrity. Because I don't know that I've ever done that.

So is this where you quit? Is this the hill you die on?

No I think this is where I stop having the expectation that we'll get back together. I think this is where I pulled off the rose colored glasses that showed him as loving dependable spouse with no issues and me who just needed to show that I wasn't pushy. There is so much more.

How long has is it taken you to come to see your part in this and own it?

a while. A long while. Maybe not until yesterday? Maybe not until now. And maybe everyday from now I'll recognize a bit more about what I did and what could have been done better and how I can be better.

I see him repeating old patterns. That confident guy who moved out with proclamations of being independent, making his own decisions, and not leeching off of anyone has slipped into old patterns. Looking at a GF to solve his problems, borrowing money from his mom, not living alone for more than a few months. I know deep down he doesn't want to be this person that it makes him feel bad inside. So he may wake up eventually...or not. Those all are his feelings and his deicisons. Which is what I meant when I listed those things and said that I have to accept that. I have to accept: not rage against, not try to convince, not hope and pray he changes his mind. I have to accept that right now he is advancing his R, he doesn't think he can get over my actions, he doesn't see his role in our R problems, etc.

I don't want to repeat my old patterns. Whether it's 2 years from now or 10 years from now I don't want to have the same problems with him or someone else.

Everyone here says it you can only control yourself. But you think yeah, but he might listen to me, or if he only saw this or if I did this. No I get it. I have to accept this is how he feels. And dwelling on those things that I can't change doesn't help me change.

How much of his rejection will you take?

that's my fear. I don't know.

You failed in your vows in the past, what is it that is holding you to them this time?

He told me yesterday that I'm his best friend and that no one knows him like I do and no one knows me like he does. And that I couldn't imagine how much it hurts him that I'm upset, that he can't fix it, and he's the cause of it. That he wishes he could clone himself and that guy could go be with me because he can't.

It's partly this. This attitude that I never held. And seeing him continue with this attitude contrasted to my actions in the past makes me feel like I would be a fool to say that I want to D this man. I never saw this man for the last two years of our M. I didn't think he was there anymore. He was cold and distant and I pushed him away too. It was a circle. I thought that's who he was because he never saw the problem when I tried to talk about it. He was convinced we were fine. But I see him again. He is still good and caring underneath. He still cares. I thought he DIDN'T care when he never said anything when I was dating or going out with friends or when I said I didn't think it was working...now I see it differently.

I told him that I want to be a better person in our situation and for myself. That I can't change the past. That I'm trying to listen to what he's asking of me (like with the sandwich) instead of pushing forward with what I think he wants. (this was a pattern we fell into not only because of my selfishness but also when I was doing anything to please him i would second guess what he'd say because he'd sometimes just say what he thought I wanted..it was a big mind game) I told him that I want to learn from our mistakes.

He thinks this is a stage. That he got through it and I will too.

[Brit45]

WHY did you do this? Why did you choose to behave this way?

a bit of gardening with no phone and I think I've hit the tip of the iceberg.

I sabotage. I identified that earlier in a post about me having a good detached week leading to positive response from H that got me....right into crazy neurotic town. Why? because I sabotage?

And why do I do that? I was talking to a friend today about my weight loss (42 pounds as of today) I told her I was always naturally thin and then I was so unhappy in my marriage and other things that happened it piled on suddenly and I never got rid of it until now. I wanted to do but didn't and it always seemed like other people could lose weight but not me.

Why? because for some reason I don't think good things happen to me. I don't think I deserve to be loved. I don't feel that deep down I'm worthy of happiness. So if things are going good, I sabotage them because I know they won't continue to go good.

I also know I have control issues because I have a fear of vulnerability. Well I realized that during the change of heart. When he said it can't be on Brit's schedule, it made me realize I always have a schedule. In fact one of the reasons I loved him when we met is that he was so laid back, up for any schedule (with in reason)

I was scared he was going to leave from day one. Not an intense fear but a small nagging that gnawed away until part of me thought the sabotage was easier than the vulnerability. At first it was pulling away, steeling myself for the possibility, the not trying, the not planning things. We used to love to go camping. And I mentioned to him yesterday, you know I can point to when it went down hill it's when we stopped going camping.

Now I suppose the easy thing to say is that because of my past actions I don't deserve him. I never really did. And now he's found someone that does. Just wrap up all my self fulfilling prophecies in a big red bow and say there...you were right. Because there were times when I sobbed to myself about how I couldn't make him happy and maybe someone else could. But none of that will stop me from repeating this pattern in the future not just with him but with other things.

Even when I have a success at work or something I sorta feel like I haven't really earned it. That people are charmed by me but I don't really know what I'm doing. Or I'm quick to discount what it is I've accomplished as in if I did it can't be that big of a deal.

[labug]

Ahhh Brit, I could have written that myself and probably have...

Keep working on you.

Become the Brit you were meant to be, not the one you thought everyone wanted.

It does get easier, really, it does.

[heartbrokeinsd]

look at the pain. why do you sabotage. i know for me, its because im comfortable with the pain. i dont like it, but im used to it. i know what to expect. looking inside yourself can be a very uncomfortable place to look. but ig you do it, recognize what you see and deal with it, it has to get easier to look. at least i hope so.

[needgrace]

(((big hugs)))

i see myself in your last post.. feeling unloveable, controlling and planning to stay safe, never allowing myself to accept success, nightmares that my W would leave me during the best of our M, pushing her away to stay safe..

i am trying to learn to love myself, to value myself by starting to take care of myself so that i do not get so scared and dependent in the future.

what will be your steps brit to focus on you and your growth? you have already begun... taking ownership is the plunge... the rest are mere steps.

thank you for being vulnerable here, for sharing the things we all get scared to say to ourselves, much less others...

thank you for helping me realize that i have more layers of honesty to get through..

one thing I tell myself... the time is necessary, bc if W were to come back now, we would fall into the same patterns.. i need this time to grow and change so that, if we R, we can create something new and better..