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#2238269 04/16/12 04:38 PM
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And we are back to script, just got an email from H that I will ignore, two of them actually. First was about the hotel room, he needs to clear it with his boss (he told me he did that 2 weeks ago).

The second was somewhat about the kids but nothing to respond to:

"You need to understand how confusing this is to me. We had a clear understanding – temporary separation, I would be there every other weekend. And you changed the rules in 24 hours."

(the kids are very confused with this and I am concerned about his behaviors while in the home)


"It’s already hard for me to stay in the kids lives. You can’t possibly understand that because you never left the house, I did. And that would make it harder.

I try to text them. S does a short response, M hardly at all. Then S's comment Saturday morning was very unsettling. He already admitted he heard a lot of our arguments, so did he hear that too?"

(Precisely why we shouldn't be under the same roof, best for the kids)

"I realize I broke your trust, but if you keep changing the rules I won’t be able to trust you either. I am really trying to work with you. Please try to stay consistent with me. I don’t understand what changed in the past 12 hours."

For the record, I didn't change the rules. I held my boundaries when he was crossing them. He was mistaking my flexibility and thought it would just go away like it always has before. The confusion was his only, and exactly why I need to keep to written communication and clearer boundaries.


-Autumn

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Posting, just because, friends don't let friends post alone. smile


Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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I love how he blames you for the kids being distant from him.

I love how he blames you for making it so hard for him to stay in their lives.

I love how he threatens that now he can't trust you cause of all your "rule changing"

He is so script. Blames you for his inexcusable behavior.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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AL I want to pick up something Mindful said on your last thread, but I don't want to distract from your sitch. You seem very sincere in doing what you must, much as it hurts, and not as a tactic. I admire that strength and groundedness. I am glad you can see script and spew to help from taking all of his words personally. Stay strong.

Mindful, I want to reply to this that you said earlier, to which I strongly disagree, and invite your comment if you care to discuss it in my thread:

Quote:
These boards are a great resource for a fan club.

The minute the fan club becomes a "reach out and help desk" and they, themselves, haven't turned around their own life... And, gotten out of limbo... I'm less than impressed.

DB has COACHES that can offer (fairly) learned advice.
The DB board has veterans that have turned their own lives around w/and without their marriages.
The DB board does NOT need a bunch of limbo wading members offering advice...

Cheering and supporting is great.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Adinva. No, thank you.


Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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Fair enough. I posted over there and feel it's a topic worthy of discussion. If you don't give me credence because I'm a limbo wading non-vet that is completely your choice. Hopefully someone else will take encouragement from my thoughts and keep posting in DB in spite of your discouragement.

Thanks for your participation here too, I always get a lot out of your posts.

Best regards,
Adinva


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Autumn,

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. I applaud your strength in sticking with your boundaries against illegal behaviors, self-medicating with alcohol/meds/whatever else and marital unfaithfulness. Stay strong!

It sounds like your husband is exhibiting some typical very bad LBS behaviors today. We, as DB'ers, know that how he is acting is only pushing you farther away as well as any hopes for reconciliation. Hopefully he will clue into that sooner rather than later, get his act together and you and your boys can have some peace. Is there any chance you think he'd end up here on the DB boards?

When I've been in your shoes (bombarded with unreasonable emails, calls and texts regarding finances, the kids, the house, and whatever else), I chose to just tell my h I wouldn't communicate with him, regardless of the situation, until he calmed down and acted like a reasonsable adult. I'm embarrassed to say he had to tell me the same thing a couple of times, too, and it worked. In any case, I hope your lawyer gets back to you promptly when she's back in the office, so you can get your questions and concerns answered and turn over the tough work to her. That's what attorneys are for!

Hang in there and stay strong. I'm hoping for the very best for you.

Take care, ncl


aka lc4 : )
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Autumn, I'll say again...I admire your strength so much. Enforcing your boundaries very well may push your H into massively ugly meltdown but that is his problem, not yours. Stick to it girl!

D is an unfortunate outcome but it is sometimes the necessary course of action and only you can decide if it is what you need to do.

Hugs and blessings to you. I'll continue watching your sitch and being impressed by your courage!


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves


For the record, I didn't change the rules. I held my boundaries when he was crossing them. He was mistaking my flexibility and thought it would just go away like it always has before. The confusion was his only, and exactly why I need to keep to written communication and clearer boundaries.


I like this. smile


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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Autumn,
I'm trying to find it in your thread, but did you and your H ever agree to staying every other weekend?

If you did - then I could understand the confusion on his part.

I don't have kids nor do I pretend to know how to parent. My parents separated for about a year when I was 9 and as much as the "visitations" sukked... it sukked more that he wasn't around the 75% of the other time.

Till this day.. I don't know why he didn't come around.. and 20 yrs late - I can argue that it doesn't really matter...

..but it did at the time because all I saw was that "dad didn't love me enough".

If you are truly protecting your kids from him then I am in full support.

But check your heart. If even 2% of this decision is because of your hurt or your boundaries.. get rid of them.

It's true that it is not your job to repair/rebuild your H's relationship with his children....

.... but I do believe it is your job to not stop it.....

... and your job that if your kids want him around to support it

IF H words are true and not a tactic.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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