Im new here. A few months ago I had an emotional affair with another M but I never had sex with this guy. H asked me to go to counseling with him and we did and he worked so hard on our relationship and it took me a while to come around and I thought we were doing good. Recently though he says that I didnt appreciate him or his efforts and that I took him for granted and never showed my love to him. A few weeks ago, we got into a silly fight and I thought I was at the end of my rope and asked my H to leave the house. He left and it broke my heart and I realized that I dont want a divorce and want to fix this marriage. He told me he was so hurt by me that he doesnt love me anymore. he found a new woman but has recently asked for space from her too (dont know if they still talk or how much or about what) anyway, Im fighting to make this marriage work and will show him each day that my love is true. Im confused though about my wedding ring. Do I wear it still? Will he see it as a sign that Im still committed to our marriage or that I am in denial? What do you all think? He doesnt wear his but it makes sense since he is the one that feels very scared to continue our relationship since I hurt him so much. I finally got the 37 rules yesterday and am in a much better place emotionally and the DR has helped a lot. Im just so confused on what to do with the wedding ring. I love him so very much and want to show him how much he means to me but I realize that I have to show him the change not just promise him the changes. I want to appreciate him more and tell him how much I love him. this is so hard.
Keep your wedding ring on. I think you have far more important questions to be asking - like why did you have an EA in the first place? Why didn't you talk to your H instead of some random person? There are much deeper questions you need to be asking.
Keep it on. Get counseling from a pro-marriage counselor. Get a DB coach. But yes, keep the ring on.
Though really that's a cosmetic question... figuring out where the wheels came off and why is far more important. There's a reason you had an EA. It may be how you're wired. It may be how his behaviors affected you and how you dealt with them.
If you don't have an IC I'd get one of those too.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
I kept mine on for a very long time, then she left and we got separated. (it only lasted two weeks to be fair)
At this time she had already stopped wearing hers for months. When she left she left here behind. I was crushed and stopped wearing mine, I placed them interlace to signify that I wanted to keep our union.
When she returned she didn't notice for a day or two. (it wasnt a happy return either it was more like, I came to see if you can convince me to stay). When she noticed she got very upset. Said if I had given up, then maybe she should too. After another fight, I started wearing mine again to show her I was committed. It took months until she started wearing hers again.
As to whether it's a good or bad idea, I think it's generally a good idea to wear it. Especially in the early phases. Now if you've been at it forever with H (were talking close to a year or more) and he still won't wear it, you not wearing yours could be the powerful wakeup call he needs.
You're not there yet though.
As for the OW, give him time. The guy took some pretty serious wounds. The OW is more to heal his crushed ego than anything. What often keeps a lot of LBS's from getting their own OP is chance. I know many here would never, but it's not surprising when it happens.
What do you want to do? Do not expend energy on how he will perceive it.
It is very easy to wrapped up in what they think, what they are doing; how they will react. This is all wasted energy at a time when you need it all to work on you.
It is better to focus upon your 180s. Certainly counseling even if he will not. Focus on you. One of the mantras you will commonly see is “become the women he would be a fool to leave”
New people are moderated for a while in the beginning. Post often even if they are words of encouragement. You are joining a community. Read other’s threads and posts to glean nuggets of information.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I guess it depends on how you feel. I still feel like a married woman, therefore I wear my wedding ring. If you feel that you are not really married, then take it off. It's really up to you and how you feel about things, in my opinion.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
What were your your husband's prior (before each of you had an affair) marital complaints? How was the sexual relationship?
I suspect that your husband feels like your changes aren't for real, and doesn't trust you yet. It's going to take real, genuine change (on both of your parts), consistently OVER TIME, in order for that trust to be rebuilt.
Oh, and agree with the others -- a good MC/FT and a good IC would be a big help in these efforts. Running to someone else when your marriage has problems is no way to deal with the problems, and until the two of you get to the real roots of that destructive reaction, you're going to be destined for future trouble even IF you can put the marriage back together in the short-term.
I kept my ring on. And I will still will. My reason is I would love my w in the good times and the bad. Even though I count this as a bad time, I will love her regardless. I want my love to resonate. Realistically I can live or live with out her. Ideally I would like to share my life with my w, as we all do here.
H 37 W 38 M 11 T 18 D 4 S 10 Bomb 27/11/2010 Separated still living in the same house 1/1/2012 No D Papers No Separation Papers
Ive decided to keep the wedding ring on. H noticed it and it made him happy but more importantly it reminds me that Im still standing by this marriage. He is still talking to the ow but has been texting me that he has been thinking of me and wants to get back together but is scared that we will get into the same routine of fighting all the time. Last night he wanted to talk and asked me to go over and as we were talking he mentions in passing that the ow called and he pretended to be asleep so that he wouldnt have to talk to her. he said that I was the first person he thought to call and isnt quite sure how he is going to explain to her what he is feeling. It hurts to know he still talks to her but I am trying to give him the space he needs to figure this out on his own... so I kept my cool and let it pass as nonchalantly as he mentioned it. Today my parents offered to watch our kids and he said he wanted to go out and that it sounded like fun. A couple weeks ago he wouldnt have anything to do with me (especially with just he and I). Im trying so hard not to get too excited about this even though I recognize that this is a huge step for us but deep down inside the light of hope has just gotten a little brighter. Our next couple counseling is on thursday and I am actually very much looking forward to it. this is so hard and so confusing.
