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Joined: Mar 2012
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We have been married for 11 years but together for almost 19. This is his second marriage, my first. Throughout the years, we've had much love. There have hardly been any fights but we've had some lack of communication here and there. Overall, I would say our marriage has been pretty good.

The last couple of years I've been unemployed. I was getting unemloyment income for most of that time but it has since run out. In that time I have been diligently looking for a job but keep getting shot down or not replied to at all. I've had a couple of temp jobs here and there but nothing permanent. And with the depression and frustration of not having a job, I have not been in any kind of intimate mood. I know that this has been hard on us but it's hard for me to feel good about myself, let alone be intimate.

So a couple of months ago my husband finally confronts me about how he feels...that we haven't had sex and that I haven't gotten a job. So, wanting to keep my marriage on track, I give in to the sex part, even though I was not feeling very intimate. It lasted for about 2 weeks but then we got back into the sexless routine. I continue looking for work but am still unemployed. We are surviving off of his income and I know it's been hard but never knew that it would come to this.

The other day he confronts me again, we get into a huge argument and he says he wants to separate. So, I stayed at my mothers for a couple of days. I come back home, hoping we can discuss the problem only to find out he wants a divorce. I was floored. He tells me his mind is made up. He loves me but isn't IN love with me. He's tired of not being happy and wants out. I never knew or even imagined he was feeling this bad about our marriage. To me, he is my best friend, my heart, my soul. The person I can't live without. And yet he wants to live without me. I just don't get it. Can you please try to help me understand. I suggested counseling but he's done. This is killing me.

I was on another forum and had The Divorce Remedy suggested to me. I read the whole thing in one day and have tried to apply what I've learned. I'm just so concerned that this is a last resort effort and feel like I don't have any time to get this resolved. I want our marriage to work. I love him with all of my heart. I'm hoping he will want it to work too...eventually. Because lord knows he doesn't want to now. :-(

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I know how you feel. My husband of 17 years did the same. Just know you have come to the right place. People here will help you in this horrible time. Have you read the DR book? Post short and often. Hang in there. You will have friends here.

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Welcome to the board. I'm on my iPhone and can't post the 37 rules someone will soon. Don't persue beg cry or Plea to change his mind. Don't say ILY. Get a life and do 180s. Post often there are many bright people in here that will help you. Don't lose hope


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Yes, I've read DR. I know the rules and what to do/not to do. It's still really hard and takes its toll. He wants me to think about living arrangements. So far we've just been avoiding each other and I've been giving him his space. He still says he wants a divorce. This is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and it's just so unimaginable to think he won't even try to work on anything. I know it's something that can be worked out. But, I'm not bringing it up, I'm not pursueing, I'm not reacting...I'm just here in limbo basically.

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Well, another weekend has come and gone. We've managed to avoid each other most of the time..well, I've managed to give him his space. Saturday I went out with a couple of friends for most of the day. We came back earlier then I expected so when we parted ways, I ended up parked in my vehicle and ended up taking a nap since the lack of sleep on the couch caught up to me. Saturday night came and he didn't come home until after I went to sleep.

Sunday morning rolls around and we do our own things. He leaves the apt. at 1pm and I go do some photography at a local museum...the day was too nice to stay indoors and wait. I get back and make myself dinner. He comes back later and makes his own dinner. I offer to make dessert and he agrees to have it made. I continue doing my own thing by watching a couple of shows on TV. He just went to bed.

Nothing was said all weekend about separate living arrangements. I'm wondering if he realizes that it will be a big PITA for either of us to leave. It's hard to tell what he's thinking. Of course, we don't have much eye contact..we just try to do our own things and avoid getting in each others way. It [censored] but at least I'm still here and hopefully he is seeing some kind of action that I'm taking. If anything, it keeps me busy.

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So, I've been discussing my situation in another divorce forum and alot of posters think I should try to discuss my feelings with my husband. There was one poster who had the exact situation I am in and with her giving her husband some space, he, in turn, felt like she was giving up on the marriage and went ahead with the divorce.

They say I should protect myself and talk to a lawyer. That's probably good advice..I will probably need to do that as he has already sought a consultation.

And they also say that if he really wants this, then no amount of me changing will do anything. And I guess I could see that too, but I believe in my heart that this can be fixed.

Should I really just let it get to the point where it's so bad that I just go on living my life?? At this point in time, I don't want to live a life without him and that's what's making all of this so very hard.

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UN regarding that H who left because she was giving space is BS. Don't start any R talk or persue. I know how hard is to live with the rejection and how uncomfortable it is. But it is doable and it gives him a chance to see your changes. So what about you that needs a makeover?


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Well, it's done. He brought up the discussion. He doesn't want to be with me anymore. His mind is made up. Yes, I tried talking to him about it. He says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I just think all of this put me in denial of the fact that he just doesn't love me anymore. And now, I get to move on with my life without him. Yay for me. frown

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UN u are very new at DBing. People would say that about me and I've been here a little longer. You did not answer my question. Forget about H for bit. He will do and say things today that may change tomorrow. So let me ask you again. What were his complaints about u and the M?


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Originally Posted By: unimaginable
Well, it's done. He brought up the discussion. He doesn't want to be with me anymore. His mind is made up. Yes, I tried talking to him about it. He says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I just think all of this put me in denial of the fact that he just doesn't love me anymore. And now, I get to move on with my life without him. Yay for me. frown


so sorry to hear that, UN. I'm kind of in the same boat as you currently. I don't have much in the way of advice since I'm pretty new to this DB stuff, but just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts.
((( UN )))

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