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Hello, Im here to seek help. I met my wife in highschool and we have been together for 8 years. we have been married for almost 3 years. the past year she has been begging me for a baby and then just before it all she told me she changed her mind. I was happy and i cant believe i didnt notice that as a symbol of her checking out of the relationship.

so

a few weeks ago she came home and told me she needed some space and with hesitation i let her have it. it was the worst day i ever had when she walked out the door. she is now staying at her mothers house and i feel like its doing more damage then good.

before she left i asked her why and she said that i dont help her out around the house enough and that we dont do anything together anymore. It didnt need to be said but we both know that our sex life was at an all time low. I hate myself for it because she is so attractive but for some reason i thought that with enought time i would come around and enjoy having sex with her again. well i guess i let it go for too long.

we both dont communicate enough with eachother and if we would have i dont think i would be in this situation.

after watching a video on youtube i realized that she had been telling me for a long time i just wasnt listening and it took her leaving for me to wake up and realize what i have lost.

after a day at her moms i went to see her and i convinced her to come home but it wasnt long till she had a look of worry on her face and i asked her what and she told me "i dont know if i love you anymore". she went to work with that and i told her its probably best if she went back to her moms and now im regretting that decision because her not being around me is not giving her the opportunity to view any changes and since we are not talking she chant hear them either.

so while she was at her moms she found my can of worms and that was that i have been talking to a girl for a long long time almost 5 years. i have been talking to this girl but i have never cheated on my wife. but to her this was cheating. to me i only did it for the ego boost. regardless i feel horible about it because i know it was wrong.

I have always known that she gets men hitting on her almost every day but it never really bothered me because i trust her. but after she found out about me and my can of worms i found out that when she first started to feel like she wanted out of the relationship she started flirting back and even had lunch with one.

regardless of that she is still upset about my mistakes and she asked for complete 0 contact space so i have been doing my best but in the begining i kept breaking and doing the worst thing possible and i would text her practically begging her. i have since stopped but i still break every once in a while and talk to her family but it never leads anywhere because they wont tell me anything. so now i left to visit my sister in NY me and my wife are from california. so i feel like i cant give her anymore space then this. and last sat. i wanted to tell her i was in new york so i told her and during that conversation i asked if we could talk when i get back and she said yes but at the same time the rest of the conversation felt like it was all clues to her not feeling like she wants to work on our marrige so i feel like when i get home and talk to her its just so she can tell me she wants a divorce.

i am getting the impression that she does not even want to see a MC so I am feeling pretty hopeless. to me it feels like she doesnt realize that this is a marriage and that its not just a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. I feel like she should respect the vows she took and atleast try to make things work.

it [censored] i feel like she took it out of my hands and i am left with no way of fixing my marriage. she is so attractive that i know she will not have any trouble finding someone who will give her what she wants and i feel like an idiot for not being that person in the first place

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Welcome to the board.

First of all get the DIVORCE REMEDY book and read it.

I am glad that you are realizing some of the changes that you should make, keep working on those and definitley no begging,pleading or pursuing her. She has asked you for space and you should give it to her.

For the moment you are on moderation,post in frequent short amounts and keep reading here while you wait for your posts to show up.

Soon you will be off of moderation.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Have you stopped talking to this girl?


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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^


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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We can help you if you will post often. But, nothing will work until you drop the OW for good. Trust me. Your connection with the OW was an emotional affair (not a can of worms) and what you said about your W not respecting the M vows?......

Quote:
to me it feels like she doesnt realize that this is a marriage and that its not just a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. I feel like she should respect the vows she took and atleast try to make things work.


You need to own your part of the breakdown of the M, and I can tell ya.....this five-year EA of yours is what tore your M apart. So, are you still talking to the girl?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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i know what i did was wrong but on the same level i dont think its anything worth getting a divorce. i do own up to it and no i dont talk to her.


my wife told me on Saturday she wanted a divorce and that she doesnt want to do anything to try to fix it. she said she wont go to MC. she just kept saying i have nothing left to put in and my heart is no longer in it.

shes not around to see my 180 or anything so i feel hopeless. all i want to do is just make her happy but she wont let me try.

i feel like i wont be able to sign any divorce papers untill she agrees to atleast see a MC a few times.

she is coming over today to do our taxes but it all feels so hopeless

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It is not hopeless, but you must not discuss the marriage relationship (MR) with your W.....no matter how much you want to. Don't push for MC b/c right now she is not willing and it will not go well. Give her time to cool down and give her lots of space from you. No more contacting her unless it's an emergency.

Don't worry about her not seeing your 180's due to her not being with you. That gives you time to perfect your changes. She will hear through others about your changes. Remember, make the changes for you! Become the man any woman would be a fool to leave!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sorry to hijack - Sandi can you take a look at Crazyvilles thread when you have some time? She's been in good hands lately but she could sure use some of your hard won perspective.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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she is really pushing to get the papers signed so i feel like im running out of time but yes i was thinking about it yesterday and i dont want to go to counseling untill i feel like i have made more of my 180. the biggest problem is finding a job right now and i know thats one of the reasons she left. but i have been looking for quite a while before she left so her being gone doesnt speed up the process but it has encouraged me to apply to more than my standard positions. but i really dont want to be jobless when we go to counseling.

i also wanted to ask. should i refuse to sign divorce papers or should i just let her go. i feel like it wont be much more time till she is putting them in front of me.



so here is my latest update and its not good.

I have since decided to stop even trying to talk to her at all its almost my LRT but i think its part of my 180. but this happend last tuesday when she came to do taxes.

so after we did our taxes i coaxed her into talking a little and im sure it just pissed her off even more but at the time i really felt i needed some answers. i know it only set me back more now but i learned my lesson from it.

during our conversation she sais somthing that broke my heart to no end

Me: (trying to get her to do counseling) do you realize you are not handling this situation in the best way?

Her: i know im not doing it the right way but i just know i want a divorce.

Me: (silent but disappointed look on my face)

Her: I KNOW IM BEING HEARTLESS I JUST DONT CARE

Me: But you know you are not heartless you have never been a heartless person you never will be a heartless person its not in you to be a heartless person.

Her: (now crying about what i said) I just dont care anymore i dont want to be with you.

but she agreed that she maybe would do some counseling if it helped get the papers signed. but all that tells me is that she wont do it with an open mind. so im just laying of the subject for now.

So far the mornings are the hardest part for me waking up alone and waking up from dreams of me and her and our normal life.

i have been hitting the gym and doing some workouts at home although my looks have never been a problem for her. im really doing it for myself but what girl can argue about their man loosing weight and looking healthier. plus it helps keep her of my mind.

based off of what i know from her facebook is that she is already adding guys as friends and talking to them. so im trying not to even look at her profile anymore although i did see that she posted this video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qObnoWrEYPY&feature=share
so its really her telling me to let her go.

i just wish i could be so numb to this split as her but atleast i know im growing from it. while when i look at her she still has a lesson to learn

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Quote:
It is not hopeless, but you must not discuss the marriage relationship (MR) with your W.....no matter how much you want to. Don't push for MC b/c right now she is not willing and it will not go well. Give her time to cool down and give her lots of space from you.


What part of this did you not understand? You coaxed her into having a discussion about the R b/c you needed answers. But you did not get the answers you were looking for, right? You will not get them the next, either! She is a WAW and she will not do what you think she'll do.

If you are serious about wanting to save your M, then you've got to take this advice seriously.

If you insist on her going with you to MC, she will use that place & time to announce her getting D from you. So stop what you're doing!!

She said she doesn't want to be with you! Do you want to be with somebody who doesn't have feelings for you and despises to be around you?

Stop trying to control what she does or feels. Leave her alone. Stop looking on her FB. Get a life that does not include her.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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