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I have been reading the forum and have read DR but this is my first post. I really admire all of you and how caring and supportive you are of each other.

My wife and I became domestic partners in 2004 and married in 2008. We were best friends before we started dating. At the end of July 2011, she told me that she was unhappy and did not know if she wanted to work on things or not. I was totally shocked as I thought that we both felt that we were the luckiest people ever to have found each other.

She would not talk about anything for weeks and then started her own therapy which she quit pretty quickly. She was angry and critical of me and found something wrong with everything I did. I made many mistakes along the way, pursued, cried and begged too much, even at times after finding DR. She moved out at the end of October for some time apart, moved back in at the end of November to "work on things" but moved out again a week later and said that she wanted a divorce.

We saw each other a few times to talk about the divorce in January and she was always teary eyed and held onto me and kissed me on the neck once. She decided that she wanted to work on things again and we went out a few times over the space of 3 weeks and we went to therapy twice before she bailed again. Now she is moving halfway across the country in April (to where family and old friends are) and quit her job. She has been really impulsive and I am not sure if that is a sign of a mid-life crisis or more of a WAS trait?

I am doing my best to GAL (going to therapy, making new friends, new hobbies) but this is really really hard. I miss her so much and am so confused as to what happened. The only thing I noticed is that she seemed more critical of me this past year, but she also seemed more critical of everyone. In hindsight, I know there are things I could do to be a better spouse and am working hard in therapy but am so sad that she did not tell me something was wrong until it seemed way too late.

We are still trying to settle parts of the financial side of the divorce (she has not filed yet) and I am wondering how to DB in the midst of what can be such a contentious time. She is asking for $ and things which I feel are unfair and I am having trouble not getting upset at her attitude. I am trying to tell myself that she is just scared about making it on her own (I have always handled the finances.) Anyone else have suggestions on how to DB during this phase??

Thank you so much and all the best to you all.

Me: 51 W: 41
T: 10 M: 7
ILYBINILWY: 7/11
Moved out: 10/11
Moved back in: 11/11 moved out again and asked for divorce 7 days later
Wants to work on things: 1/12
Decision to move across country: 2/12


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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Welcome to the board.

She is asking for SPACE, give it to her.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Wow, Cadet, I was just finished reading an old thread you were on about detachment and withdrawal in the MLC forum when your post showed up. It was such a great thread and even had an MLCer (Wonka) on it talking about his own experience. What a blessing that thread was to me today, thank you.

I will take your words to heart today and reread them often this week. Thank you for posting. I so wish my wife and I did not have to talk finances now because it can be so adversarial but she is pushing to get it done ASAP. Any hints to handle the talk of splitting things/$ wisely? I find myself feeling sorry for her and wanting to give her more, so I have not been making decisions while she is here, telling her I will think about things and get back to her. I really want to do this fairly and with integrity but am finding that our idea of fair is not similar. I have also bounced things off of some good financial minds to check myself. Any other ideas? Thank you for the help!

Me: 51 W: 41
T: 10 M: 7
ILYBINILWY: 7/11
Moved out: 10/11
Moved back in: 11/11 moved out again and asked for divorce 7 days later
Wants to work on things: 1/12
Decision to move across country: 2/12


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 2,757
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DB it with a lawyer. Ignore all requests that are not reasonable. You do not have to reply to any request. Unless it is required by the courts.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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Originally Posted By: needgrace
It was such a great thread and even had an MLCer (Wonka) on it talking about his own experience.
Wonka is a woman! smile smile smile
Originally Posted By: needgrace
I so wish my wife and I did not have to talk finances now because it can be so adversarial but she is pushing to get it done ASAP. Any hints to handle the talk of splitting things/$ wisely? I find myself feeling sorry for her and wanting to give her more, so I have not been making decisions while she is here, telling her I will think about things and get back to her. I really want to do this fairly and with integrity but am finding that our idea of fair is not similar. I have also bounced things off of some good financial minds to check myself.
Stand up for yourself and don't let her push you around.
If you found my threads on MLC then be sure to do all the homework on the one that I posted this morning.
That should keep you busy while your waiting for modration to end.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Too funny about my confusion about Wonka. Thanks, Cadet and Chatterbug for the kind advice. I appreciate it and will read your post from this morning, Cadet.

As part of my GALing adventures, I just bought a turntable and am collecting old albums. It is great fun to find them (like a treasure hunt) and listening to them brings back such memories, even the sound of the needle hitting the vinyl. I had Tina Turner live on the other day! She is amazing and I don't think she would be pushed around by any MLCer!! smile

Me: 51 W: 41
T: 10 M: 7
ILYBINILWY: 7/11
Moved out: 10/11
Moved back in: 11/11 moved out again and asked for divorce 7 days later
Wants to work on things: 1/12
Decision to move across country: 2/12


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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I see you found the thread there and my post.

Just curious are your posts showing up right away, if so then I guess you are not on moderation.

Keep posting. smile smile smile


Me-70, D37,S36
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Thanks, Cadet. Yes, today my posts starting showing up quickly.

On Sunday, my W is coming home to pack up some things as she moves out of state on April 12. I am confused as to if I should be here or leave. Any thoughts? Thank you!

Me: 51 W: 41
T: 10 M: 7
ILYBINILWY: 7/11
Moved out: 10/11
Moved back in: 11/11 moved out again and asked for divorce 7 days later
Wants to work on things: 1/12
Decision to move across country: 2/12


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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I agree. Let the L handle the amount. As for her complaints, what were they? And I'm not talking about the nonsense spew, but what were her problems with you?

And of course I have to ask, are you sure there isn't another man?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Hi Mr. Bond,
Thank you for your note. We are both women, so I don't think there is another man. smile There may be another woman, I am not sure. In February, when she wanted to work on our M and go to MC, she stopped after a few weeks because she had gone out to dinner with a friend and had some feelings for her.

I am writing here tonight instead of sending her an angry, hurt note. I got an email today with a list of statues and art pieces she wants to take with her. Perhaps it is unfair of me, but it feels like I have already been stripped of so much in this process (our marriage, the dreams of our future, the love of my life) that I feel so hurt when I get these requests for things... I know they are just things and I am not even sure why it hurts so badly. Maybe because those things are important enough to go with her while I am just left behind..

I guess I am in the LRT stage and I know that I should not let her see how much this all hurts. Thank you DBers for letting me vent here.

As far as your other question, Mr Bond, (James?), there have been a long list along the way. I think the primary was that I was distant recently. I am self-employed and was trying to build up my business by working for three contractors for awhile. I thought I was doing the right thing for our future. She was busy too after a promotion but I guess she felt like I was too distant. Also, I know I would tend to shut down when we would argue. I have been working on myself since this started and wish I had the chance to do things differently but she says that she has no feelings for me and is not willing to work on trying to get them back.

Me: 51 W: 41
T: 10 M: 7
ILYBINILWY: 7/11
Moved out: 10/11
Moved back in: 11/11 moved out again and asked for divorce 7 days later
Wants to work on things: 1/12
She decides to move across country: 2/12
Move date scheduled for April 12.


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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