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I could really use some help! I just found this site and ordered Divorce Remedy book yesterday.

My wife is leaving me and the most common reason I get “cannot live with the pressure she is not the wife I need/deserve” and “she is not in love me”.

Wife (3 young kids, 12yr marriage) seems to fit the classic “walk away wife” mold. I’ve got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech. She has told me she thinks she is more at blame. She is unwilling to work on things, does not want to give me “false hope”. She barely talks and has hired an attorney, is really anxious to move out (attorney is telling her not to because “abandonment” can go against you in court). Unwilling to talk much or see a marriage counseler. I’m sure she is going to stay for another 2 months until kids are out of school. I can hold up settlement talks somewhat.

I’m fit, in shape… she is still pretty but aging quite a bit. I’m still very attracted to her and always let her know. I’m 34 and she is 38 now. Back when we got married she was the “hot” one and I was out of shape but in good shape financially, etc I probably look better today than when I was 22.

She has had issues with depression, sleep problems, and joint pains… has hoped around on some meds.

She has been “unloving” for some time, I would get sex every week or two, but not much else emotionally…. She encouraged me to get a mistress. Sex seemed more like a chore to her.

Apparently she was not serious about the mistress, I was caught with a very nice looking 22yr old by one of my wife’s friends (dancing, kissing at a club). This pushed kind of pushed the situation over the edge.

We had an emotional discussion about this and agreed to fix things, 2 days later she said she wanted a divorce and has not changed her mind since. Our 3-8yr kids are devastated by this. She is a great mother to them. We are both very active with kids, when she takes the kids to her parents for overnights (3 times in the last 4 weeks) the kids are upset. A divorce will likely wreak our finances, the stuff kids will have, their ability to go to college, etc… she doesn’t seem too concerned.

She jumps around on how she has felt about me… most of the times she says I was a good husband and father and it is just her falling out of love. In the past she has felt I have not done enough with the kids... I was probably still better than 75% of men back then. She has told me she was not sure if she ever wanted to get married but thought she was supposed to do the get married and have kids thing. Other times she said she is resentful I spend so much time with kids now and am so active with them, that she constantly “needed a break” before and I never took them on my own. In my defense, I didn’t but it was hard for me to handle a baby and two young kids by myself.

I’ve done the opposite of the (Sheri’s 37 rules)… I’ve pushed, begged, as hard as I can.

I think she tried a little more to be a better wife a month or so ago and I did not recipiate as much as I should have. She had mentioned living apart and separation before then. At that time we were having problems and I actually tried changing myself, doing a 180. The 180 move seemed to backfire. I started working out hard (I’ve lost 15 lbs), mostly from weightlifting, I dress much better, I starting taking my own time to go out with friends and encouraged her to the same. It just made her suspicious I was doing it for other girls (which was partially true). Things seemed to get worse and worse I did this. Then I met the girl while I was out with friends and the whole thing went over the edge. I’m really confused… the acting indifferent and 180 changes seemed to have killed my relationship. No idea what I should do. If we do separation agreement or court divorce things are going to get very painful and I’m sure I will be bitter about her wrecking our finances and my kids’ lives, if we get to that point I will probably never have anything to do with her again. But today, I love her and want my family to stay together so much. I may have a matter of a week or two, to a couple months to fix things. Also she said she would stay as roommates if we had no sexual relationship.

Thanks, Chris

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Welcome to the board.
Glad you are getting the DR book - read it.

You need to learn about Detachment
You need to give her SPACE that is what she is asking for
And not beg, plead or pursue
Get out and GAL.
But remain true to your marriage vows.
Be the BEST DAD that you can BE.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


Me-70, D37,S36
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cdavis, you're on the right track. So much of what you are saying is so familiar it made me want to cry.

If I had come here early into my situation, we would have reconciled a few times over, but I did the exactly wrong thing on several occasions and I face a hard lonely road back.

Cadet is right on. Your W is giving you the gift of time. Look past her words and what she is allowing with her actions. Put DR into effect. But give your W a lot of space while you get a handle on this.

You need to be taking a closer look at yourself and how you contributed to this breakdown. All that anger about how she is going to ruin your kids lives - I feel it, too. But it doesn't help anyone. It's pressure for your wife and it pushes her away.

Your wife doesn't want to be married to you any more. You can't change her to fix that. You have to focus on yourself.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
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cdavis Offline OP
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When I first got the news a couple weeks ago I actually took it pretty calmly and was super supportive good guy... and her response was more along the lines of "see things are already getting better". She was taking it as if we where going to have a better relationship, I was afraid I was encouraging the breakup. I can't make her think things are going to better after separation.

Then it really hit me... and the pleading and begging lasted a few days.

I think I need to find a way to be at my best without encouraging her that things will be this way after the split. They will not be, I'm sure.

Because of some of her "baggage" the settlement or court proceedings will get messy, but I will have to use everything to get what is best for my kids. I don't really see us having much time.

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Is the best method also for slowing down the move out process. I'd like to delay separation agreement talks, etc. They are going to get messy. She wants kids primary but I will have stronger custody claim, almost all our assets are from my pre-marital money. She doen't have much room, I'm afraid this make things worse!

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I assume you red these but will post it for you to have. Any updates?




1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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cdavis Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Rick1963
I assume you red these but will post it for you to have. Any updates?


I did similar things back in Nov/Dec when relationship started to hit rocky part... along with starting to work out and increase kid involvement, go out with friends. If anything I think it did not help but contributed... made it easier to walk away.

In Jan/Feb when she asked for separation I gave her more space and she was going around commenting "see we are already doing better as just friends instead of in a relationship"

Did the begging thing last week.

I've been mostly following the rules this week but she hasn't reacted.

On moderation so my replys are slow.

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We had a calm talk but she didn't say much. I think she blames me more than what she lets on, mostly about spending time with the kids. Specifically she as done more of the bedtime and doing stuff alone (taking them to her parents or doing stuff with her friends and their kids) on the weekends. I think its probably hopeless.

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We have had some calmer discussions. Its obvious she is completely checked out and only wants to give up. I'm just goin be the best father I can at this point, she doesn't want a husband. There is noting logical about it, feel I just have to hope for a change of heart. I basically have two choices at this point:

1) Hope this works over the 1-3 weeks
2) Take her "roommate" offer and hope time heals all wounds

I'm done pushing though, its out of my system now. The settlement/divorce talk will lead to financial ruin and will be forced to go after custody of the kids... so everything will be done when we get to this point.

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Quote:
1) Hope this works over the 1-3 weeks


You've been married 12 years and hope to turn things around in 1-3 weeks? Really?

Quote:
Apparently she was not serious about the mistress, I was caught with a very nice looking 22yr old by one of my wife’s friends (dancing, kissing at a club). This pushed kind of pushed the situation over the edge
Why did you do this? Not a challenge, just in your own mind, what were you trying to accomplish? Was this a way to fix your marriage?

Quote:
I think she tried a little more to be a better wife a month or so ago and I did not recipiate as much as I should have.
What did she do to try to be a "better wife"? How do you define better wife?

How could you be a better husband? A better you?

Quote:
she constantly “needed a break” before and I never took them on my own. In my defense, I didn’t but it was hard for me to handle a baby and two young kids by myself.


Really? What exactly is your defense?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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