I’m a 38 y-o woman from Canada. Husband and I have been together for 9 years, married 6 1/2 years, no kids. It hit me last month that we had grown appart for quite some time. I asked him if he still loved me. Followed lots of talking, crying on both sides, soul searching, etc. with lots of ups and downs. He said he'd been thinking about splitting for over a year, so he was kind of mentally ready. For me, although I acknowledged we had grown apart because of our routine, almost living like roommates in a sexless marriage, it was more of a shock to digest. He said that it’s not because he didn’t love me, but he wasn’t sure he loved me enough to continue. So now, we’re going to therapy together and me individually. I feel I am in a limbo now, not knowing what will happen. He keeps me hanging there, sending me mixed feelings. Sometimes, he's distant, sometimes he's cudly, sometimes we don't talk for days, and in the last week, we had sex 3 times, which is a record, compared to the past months. I'm willing to make all the efforts to make things work, but I'm also willing to give him back his freedom and go on with my life on my terms. I just don’t know what he wants. Sometimes, and he said it to the joint therapist, he simply wants to live alone and not care for someone else. It’s not like I ever forbade him to come and go as he pleases. So now, I’m kind of preparing mentally for a split I never wanted in the first place, but not being loved like I want is unbearable. Anyone else in the community has had a similar distanciation experience?
H is asking for SPACE, give it to him. Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
he simply wants to live alone and not care for someone else.
My H seems like this too. There were times over our years together that I thought he really probably should live alone.
It's hard to understand why they don't find sustenance in the marital relationship instead of finding it an exhausting grind.
I don't have answers for you, but a sympathetic ear. You sound very self-assured, and way ahead of where I was when I started here.
Has your H given any concrete reasons why he hasn't been happy with you? If you can chalk it up to depression and MLC then you're somewhat powerless in resolving the problems, but if there is something you can improve this is a time to work on yourself.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I wasn't very self assured a month ago. I started feeling detached (maybe as a way of coping and protecting myself) about a week ago. He called me at work yesterday to say he was having a bad day, and when I got home, he was waiting for a hug, saying it finally dawned on him that our relationship was going to an end and he could not function at work. He said he finally understood how I felt and felt depressed. I was hoping that he would say he made a mistake and wanted to rekindle our love, but when I eard it was not it, I was rejoicing (for lack of a better word) that he was feeling miserable like me. We are going to put our place on sale once we fix a couple of little things. I hope it's sold quickkly so I can move on. To save my sanity, I registered to 3 x week running workshop to run a 10 k marathon this fall, and then a half-marathon next year + dance classes. This way, I won't be home too often, as I don't feel it's my home anymore. It was our first property, but we had so many problems with it, that the stress gnawed at our relationship. This + the daily grind, and having different interests. And to say I never forbade him to come and go as he pleased (live and let live was our motto). I wasn't nagging or anything, always willing for sexy time. I guess it was not enough. He needs to be on his own to figure out what he wants to do with his life. I can,t do that for him. All I can do is take care of me from now on. We're still going to the couple therapist. It will help us learn from our mistakes and bring some closure, if not anything else.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
