Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 16 1 2 3 15 16
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
well i'm starting a new thread as labug advised

wish i knew how to put the link for my first thread in here - can someone tell me how to do that, please?

i'm going to see this new thread as the beginning of taking care of myself - symbolic like.

maybe it's timely that it is happening at the same time


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
for the link, I just go back to the first page from the first thread and highlight the URL address at the top of the browser. Copy it and then past in your post here.

I think each thread is a milestone and definitely worth the time to evaluate where you started & where you're at. That's part of working on ourselves.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
thanks ces - i think it worked

and yes - i will try to see it positively - a good milestone

sheesh - i'm definitely on the downswing of the roller coaster ride here - need to go do something to get myself out of this helpless state


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
haven't checked in for a couple of days - really been focusing on restructuring my days and sticking to a tight schedule, as the therapist suggested.

things are going much easier in that dept., but sadly i still carry H in my head almost non- stop - well, maybe a slight improvement.

H has skyped us twice now, the second call being quite upsetting to both S and myself. he is staying with friends who have a 7 yr old boy - and he has had the sweet little boy there on the skype with him non-stop for both calls and S is not very happy to watch them together being really affectionate to each other. to me it looks like he is using the boy as a buffer between himself and us because he can't really face us

he is also acting EXTREMELY tense and odd - which is what he has done when he is with ow on previous trips - and that really affects S to see his dad behave that way.

when i see H like that, that's when it hits me a) that he is under this HUGE psychological stress and b) i can't even recognize this person i'm looking at.

so in other words, i'm pretty sure ow is there with him - and he's feeling massively guilty about it and thus all this behavior in front of S.

i myself have suspected this ever since the trip was planned over 2 months ago, as he was adamant that S and i couldn't go with him (a couple of weeks before he left i told him that i was so sorry that we weren't going be there and watch him giving his first public presentation at an international seminar - and how much of a big deal it was and we had worked for yrs towards him getting there... and he just about fell apart)

but i'm proud to say that i am more indifferent to her possible presence there for myself, but for my S - i am really upset that he has to endure this - he is so agitated after.

i'm not sure whether to send H an email about this, or to just see what happens in the next couple of calls, or to just turn the phone and skype off.

i myself actually don't want to DO anything for once - nothing at all - and just see what happens. but i realize that would mean not taking care of S's well-being and letting him endure something painful

i decided that i would just wait a couple of days and hope the insight comes to me - right now, anything i do comes from a place of anger (for son's sake) and i need to get myself out of that.

i can understand that there are certain things i need to experience and lessons to be learned for myself in this sitch - but right now i am really battling with why S has to have those painful experiences too.


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
My opinion: If this is hurting your son, would you let anyone else hurt him in this way?

Can you set a clear boundary without assigning blame?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
I agree. Your son comes first. Could you rehearse what you want to say here? You have a clear goal and you know you don't want it to come from a place of anger. A good place to start.

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
hi everyone - i'm sorry i didn't see your posts earlier (for some reason they din't come to my email as they usually do) when i would have had time to answer and practice - will have to wait until later tonight after S has gone to bed.

H left a message this evening wanting to skype, but i missed the call and he doesn't seem to be near the computer when i tried him back.

S is with grandparents for another hour, and i thought - oh great, i have the chance to talk to him alone and let him know what the situation is.

but maybe it's better i practice on you guys first (grin - thanks for the offer) before i say anything to him.

will write more later

thanks once again for being here for me

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
thanks mimivac - i sent him a quick email this morning saying we need to talk before his next skype session with son, and asked how can we arrange that.

i've decided to keep the conversation light and just say casually that S is having a really hard tome with a couple of things - that the little boys presence is upsetting to him, and even thoughH's intention is that they would get to know each other, for S it is a matter of watching his dad whom he is missing insanely having fun with another kid.

then i'm going to say that S really needs some stability in this situation and if H could let him know specifically which day he's going to call and if he gives him a time, then to stick to it, or at least warn him that it may be not be exact.

if he starts getting defensive or pissed at me, i think i may just get a little "tough" and point out that it's hard enough for S to deal with the fact that he's watching his father act in such a bizarre off the wall way, (and if H has problems with facing us, he should put them aside and at least pretend to be okay so S doesn't have to deal with watching him act like that) - he doesn't need the additional stress of having this happen in front of another child and then deal in between with wondering constantly when he's going to hear from his dad.

do you think it's okay or appropriate to even imply or point out how bizarre he is acting to him?

i haven't, when it's happened before, but now i'm getting seriously worried for S's sake - he is experiencing a situation that when his dad is here he's sort of normal, but when he's off on a trip he gets very very different and almost unrecognizable.

and S has a trip to compare to, where H was abroad for 2 weeks last may, which he remembers extremely well, because we skyped everyday with H and the experience was warm and wonderful and tons of fun and made us all feel very close together and we really enjoyed. (after H came back from that S tried to get him to promise that he would never go away for so long again, so it had been really hard on him anyway)

i can't help seeing the crazy contrast - and wondering how S is dealing with this change

ah - this is very difficult for me right now - i almost wish i could go numb and not feel too much - and stop thinking, just for a few mins to get a break


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Page 1 of 16 1 2 3 15 16

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard