Two steps away from our final signature. It crazy how easy a divorce is really? Well, At least for the one who’s walking away. I feel like I have repeated this story a million times over the last 2 years. Friends act like they really care. They have there “You’re so much better than him.” “You deserve better.” “You’re so strong. There is no way I could do what you do.” “You should start dating.” And then the # 1 comment ““I’m so sorry. It really will get better one day.” Then turn and go home to their happy little families. The worst part of it all is when they brag about how amazing their husbands are and how lucky they are knowing their husbands would never do what mine has done to me. Unintentionally, of course. No matter what they say they just don’t UNDERSTAND me and my pain. This is kinda long. I warn in advance. If your looking for a "What not to-do" story then best bet's mine is it.
My husband and I met and fell in love almost 13 years ago. We have had our ups and downs. Always him feeling like he had missed out on life from us settling down when we were 18 yrs old. But he’d always get over it and we’d get back to normal. We kinda did things backwards. We lived together for 8 years and had our daughter and I was 8 months pregnant with our son when we finally tired the knot. We were married 10 months when I my husband threw the “I love you but am not in love with you.” line. He claimed he wasn’t sure if he ever had been. He wanted to stay in the same house “For the kids” and wanted us to live separate lives and date other people. Then we’d review if we really fit together after some time had passed. He then proceeded to take his ring off and was just done.
It was like a explosion had just happened in my life. We had never even really fought. Our families and friends always looked to us as the couple that had a rock solid relationship. I had been suffering from PPD after having my son and had gained a lot of weight. I never thought he’d LEAVE. It was never even a thought in my mind, I was adjusting to life as a stay at home mother of a 2 yr old and an infant and after working all of my life since 15 I was having issues being stuck in a house alone. Yeah we had been having issues since having our son. Like I said I had gained a ton of weight and had become very dependent on him. He worked and came home and made us dinner (He LIKES to cook) and gave the kids the bathes and got them ready for bed.He had begged me to get a PT job to get out. Offered to watch the kids while I met some friends (Funny how men think meeting “friends” as adults can be as simple as going to Walmart and asking a mom on a play date. ) Asked me to take Salsa dance classes with him… But in the end all I had for him was “NO. I don’t want to.” In my defense, He LIKED cooking and told me he liked putting the kids down because it gave him time to spend with them after a long day at work. Also our son woke up 4 times a night till he was 12 months old… I was a walking zombie. I had noticed the changes in him when we hit out 6 month mark on our marriage. He started having an extremely short temper and seemed to snap at everything and everyone around him. That progressed into saying it wasn’t me or the kids but his Job was just old and he HATED it. He’d always loved his job. Anyways, so back to the explosion. I started all the things I shouldn’t have done. I Cried, begged, pleaded, grasped at straws, Goggled “How to save my married.” I tried to make things better by trying to become super wife. I cooked for him every night. Flattered him. Told him how much I loved him. When everything I did seemed to make him more angry and push me away I would start the begging all over again. He had changed. I felt like he was a stranger I had never met before. He had a cold shoulder towards me. All his warmth was gone. He was rude and harsh and honestly acted like he was 16 years old. He was 27 at the time but acted as if he was a man that was going through a midlife crisis. He changed his style clothing, Started listening to Spanish music so he could “Learn the language.” He started going to college to be a personal trainer (He works in IT.) Even though I questioned why he’d wanna throw away his career for something that wouldn’t even pay the bills he said it was his new passion and he decided his job his what made his life so unhappy. So I supported him. He had gained baby weight with me and when he was home from working and school FT he was outside “Walking.” A few months had passed and I was still in shock as to who this stranger was living with me. My warm, loving husband and best friend seemed as if he had been possessed by a wanna be player. One day while he was in the shower my husband had left his new cell phone plugged into a charger on the floor in our living room. He had never really had his OWN cell phone. We always had one we shared but this one he wouldn’t let me touch. My son was crawling and had found it and I grabbed it away from him because he was chewing on it. I noticed he had opened up a text message and it was from a woman. I called the number and got her V/M. It all became clear. He claimed she was just a friend in another state who he’s met through work and she was going through a divorce and needed him. Things progressed and he would talk to her non stop on the phone. He’d stand for hours outside talking to her. I started the above again. Cry, Beg, Plea….Finally I couldn’t stand him talking to her in front of me and I decided to play the “I’m leaving you and taking your kids” game. I hopped it would wake him up and make him beg for me back. That just made him angry and he said he wanted a divorce. He threated to take my kids from me if we didn’t come home. But said I’d have to get a job because he didn’t wanna live together anymore. I went back and started all over again, Cry, Beg, Plea, Mold myself for him. He became obsessed with “LIVING” life and living in the now and how I had held him back and he was finally alive for the first time. He wanted tattoo’s and had lost 80 lbs and wanted to travel and buy a motorcycle and go sky diving and LIVE life to the fullest. One weekend he claimed he was going out to a party with “His new” friends. I supported him and even helped him go shopping for a outfit to go “Clubbing.” In. I wanted to remind him he was 27 and had a family and not 21 but held back and tried to “Support” him and show him how much I loved him and would accept him in anyway. He acted weird as he left and said he’d probably just go for a few hours at the party and come back home to help tuck the kids in. My daughter was a huge Daddy’s Girl and was confused why he was suddenly gone from her life so much. She waited up till she fell asleep in my arms waiting for him to come home. He was gone for 3 DAYS. Finally on Valentines I checked our bank account and had found he had bought flowers from our account. I started to cry and jump for joy and then a thought popped in my head to google the name of the florist to see where they were coming from. I found that it was a florest in TX where his “friend” lived. I hit my breaking point. My angery had hit. I packed me and the kids. Bought airplane tickets and told him he had lost his family and I was ready to give him a divorce. He seemed happy and even drove me to the airport. He then started to cry and gave me the most amazing kiss as we said our goodbyes. I flew back to my family with hopes that he wouldn’t get over this. I stayed for 4 months and finally flew back. He moved out of our home and 4 houses down into his grandpa’s house and was head over heels in love with his new girlfriend. His “Friend” in the other state. She was still married to her husband she had first claimed she was divorcing and still lived with him and their son. He claimed that it was a culture thing because she was Spanish and she had a “Arrangment” with her husband and that thy were so in love that he accepted it and that he was gonna move there and be with her. He walked away from everything we mad built together. Gave me everything all he wanted was the car and his clothing. All a part of his LIVE to the fullest lifestyle. He was all materialistic to him and held him down. He had now lost over 100LBS and bougtht a motercylce and walked around like he was gods gift to woman. He was so broke and didn’t have any money to give me or the kids, or even buy himself a meal sometimes because he would send her his money. EVERYONE in his life turned there back on him. They thought he was insane and were mad at him for what he was doing to me and the kids. No one could figure out what was wrong with him and all his crazy actions. I found a lawyer and filed for divorce and took him for everything so I could block him from leaving the state with our kids. He was acting like a 16 year old at this point and as deeply as I was in love with “My Husband” I was accepting that this stranger was no longer him. After my husband took that woman on 3 vacations he finally opened his eyes to the fact that she was USING him for his money. She drug him through hell and I can’t say I didn’t feel a little bit of pleasure from it all and think “What goes around comes back around.” Over the last year I have fallen back and just accepted. The pain I feel inside is unbearable. I LOVE my husband. You all probably think I am crazy after reading all that but I still do. The man he has been is not the kind caring man I fell in love with. I just can’t move on. I think about him all the time. Cry almost every day still. We slowly started to talk and he started to become “My best friend” again. We have had lots of overnight talks. He cried and has apologized a million times for what he did. He’s gone back to the great dad he was. Did I mention the job I got 2 years ago was for the same company he works for? Yeah. He texted to me nonstop. Started staying over on the weekends and planning lots of family outings for us. He has been consistent on child support for the past year and never once missed a payment or a day from his visitation. However has not asked once to come back home. So I just accepted what we had because I didn’t wanna “Rock the boat” so to say. He also ignored that I filed for divorce. Acted as if it didn’t happen. All we have been waiting on is he had to goto his parenting classes and signature. I felt like things were finally working out. I had built myself a GREAT Career at work and had even had 3 promotions. I was higher up than my husband was and he’d worked there 6 years, myself only 2. I felt bad and helped him get a engineer IT position that he started 3 months ago. Needless to say I was feeling great. In a way I didn’t regret anything we’d gone through. He had pushed me to focus on me and my kids. I lost over 100LBS myself and felt confident and LOVED myself again. The Holiday’s came around this year and I have to say. It was the most amazing Christmas we have EVER had in all the years we have been together. I felt like the past was behind us and he was very close to coming home. He stayed more and more at the house. However 2nd week of January hit and he started the distant thing again. We got into a big fight because I found out that he had taken another woman to the movies with our kids and I freaked out on him. I panicked and cried and let it all out. I told him I still loved him and wanted him back and how amazing things have been and how stupid he is that he can’t see what’s right in front of him while he lives in a tiny room at his grandpa’s. He said he was confused as why I would think he was coming home. He said that he wanted to live life and wasn’t ready to be with anyone right now and that he thought I knew that. I later found out the person who ran to me about him taking another woman to the movies didn’t tell me the whole story. She was a older single mom that lives a crossed the street from us and had been been stranded because her car had died and she didn’t have anyone else to call and needed help. My husband has helped her with her lawn mower and odd stuff in the past so I knew she had his number and he’s not the type to ever say no when someone asks for help. He had my kids in the car when he went and helped her and she was on her way to take her son to the movies and offered to take My husband and kids because he helped her. My Kids got excited and so they went. My daughter later reported the same story to me and acted as if it wasn’t a big deal. So I felt stupid. BUT ever since then he has decided he’s ready to start dating other woman and finally “Put his life back together.” Hes talking about moving out and getting his own place for him and the kids and took his parenting classes last week and told me he’s ready to sign the divorce papers. He’s also EVERYWHERE I am with his new position. He works on the computers in the whole 4 story building where we work so if I need anything done for me or my employee’s systems I have to ask him and look at him and talk to him. He switched his schedule to match mine when he started the position in Jan and he also parks beside me every day. He’s also in every staff meeting we have for all the leaders at work. Our building as over 1,000 employees so only like 5 know he is my husband. All the woman think he’s the new HOT single IT guy. I think he’s seeing several woman at work and in the past 4 weeks has made a lot of friends and when he doesn’t have the kids he’s been going out. He’s not stayed over once and has been really “nice” to me as a person and good with the kids but suddenly I am getting the “Ex-wife” treatment. Hes been in this position since Jan and I’ll admit. My husband is very attractive. Women virtually throw themselves at his feet. I am back to being alone and now nothing really is stopping the divorce except me. I’m not sure how to let him go. Have I mentioned how much I love him? Apart of me feels like I need to just let him go. We were 16 when we met. 17 when we started dating and 18 when we moved in together. He will be 30 in 2 weeks and he’s always been in a relationship. He’s always had this “Grass is always greener” look in his eyes and I feel like he’s looked at me for holding him back from “freedom”. I know men don’t go through a midlife crisis at his age but he has all the signs. I have heard of something called a quarter life crisis that happens to individuals in their late 20’s early 30’s. I have always loved him. I have dated a little but in my eyes there is no one else for me. He is the one. But he doesn’t feel that way. And this might sound stupid but I dunno how I can ever trust him again if he doesn’t realize how much he needs and loves me. It’s been years since he has looked at me and said “I love ya babe.” Maybe the only way for him to do that is to date other woman so he realizes how good I am to him. What choice do I have really? I think about him constantly. I literally cry at my desk and to sleep at night. I don’t know how to move past this. I love my job and where I work besides the fact that he’s there too. I am falling apart again. Is the end? Is there any way to save my marriage? We are so close to signing and as much as I don’t want todo it I can’t force him to stay married to me when he wants to be free and single and “date”. Is all hope lost for us? We have a family and a home. How can he be happy without all this? I understand if you haven’t read my whole book. In a way it’s helped me get it all out.
Your marriage is OVER when you say it is OVER not when he or the lawyers say you are divorced.
He is asking for SPACE, give it to him. Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what he say and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I just want to say congratulations on getting your life together. You have a good job, you lost 100 lbs (!), you are inspiring. Keep focusing on being the best version of yourself because you are the only thing you can control.
M: 27 H: 27 M: 2 T: 7+ First bomb: 10/23/2011 He changes his mind: 01/03/2012 He changes his mind again: 02/16/2012 I move out: 03/01/2012
As it is often said, "welcome to the best worst place to be". Here you will find a lot of support, insight and encouragement from people that are living through experiences similar to yours.
Try to stay as centered and as calm as you can. If you can't control your emotions, they will control you. I struggle with this concept a lot in my own situation.
There are a set of 37 rules/guidelines that are frequently shared with individuals arriving here for the first time. They have helped me (and others) tremendously and I would suggest you read them and do your level best to apply them to your situation.
Crimson
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
So sorry, Just figired out how to find this post. I thought no one had replyed. Thank you so much for all you kind words and support. Crimson, Thanks for the 37 steps. I can clearly see where I am making mistakes. Time to make some more changes
I do have a question though, # 3 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
H does not have any pictures of the kids and I. We always stored them on our computer (Well now mine) and had plans to develop them and put them into albums but never did. H birthday is in a few weeks and my daughter and I have been working on a album collection since right after x/mas to give to him. It took 10 albums and ALOT of money a hard work but it done and ready to give him as of last weekend. It has mainly pictures of the kids and birthdays and xmas's. But it does have a few pictures of our hometown as well as pictures of H and I back in the day together when we first met. It's literally ALL our pictures. EXCEPT our wedding pictures. I did not include those. Do you think this would still be okay? I think my daughter would be devistated if we didn't give it all to him. Shes so excited about it.
Also, he has asked me for the case # for our divorce because he "Lost" his paperwork. He needs it to turn in his final set of paperwork. I told him I'd have to look for it.. but I have it. Should I just give it to him knowing he's ready to just sign? Or make it hard on him and make him ask me for it again?
So things with me and H have been in a really good place "Friends" wise. I know he's been talking about dating but wasn't quite sure if he was. Our Divorce is almost final and I have been trying and holding myself to all the key steps. As "nice" as he is I think he's really just done and wants to be friends.
But this weekend I did EVERYTHING I shouldn't have done. In a way I feel like I had a mental breakdown. He has this "friend" tht he's worked with for like 6 years. While he is suddenly been talking like they hang out. First like a month ago he told me her an her son went with him to get his new tattoo. I asked him than if they were dating and he laughed at me and said "Jess shes got 2 teenage kids. Shes older and just and will always be just a friend. so don't worry." This womans husband died 4 months ago. She got a tattoo of her husbands picture on her arm... hense the reconnection... She introduced H to her tattoo guy. Anyways I wasn't worried. I didn't think shed be dating anytime soon. So he told me Fri night that he was going to be taking our kids to hang out at a friends house this weekend when he had them. "To hang out with her 16 yr old daughter."... our daughter is barley 6 yrs old. I asked him not to and he insisted that they were just friends... I still told him I did not want our kids hanging out with another woman and he did it anyways. He lives close by me and I have to pass his house on the way to mine. Around Sat night I noticed it was almost 11pm and they still were not home. I flipped out. I know I shouldn't have but my kids should be in bed by no later than like 10pm. They are 3 and 6... I started drinking and ended up txting him asking him why he wasn't home with our kids. He said he was just about home. After he got home and I know the kids were in bed I called him and we ended up getting into a huge fight with me sobbing and begging him to come home. After lots of yelling his phone died and I was stupid and walked down there to finish the conversation. He refused to talk and said that things had been going so great between us and that he thought I needed mental help. Then slammed the door in my face and said if I didn't go home he'd call the cops. I won't home. I woke up feeling stupid and he brought the kids home. My daughter brought home pictures of her and this womans daughter together. My daughter told me that they were there all day and that this woman is REALLY nice and daddy hugged her ALOT. I once again flipped out and called him. He said "I talked to Haleigh and she was fine with it and understood we were just friends. I mean what did you want me todo? Make out with her in front of the kids?" He then told me that they were dating and that it might lead to more and when I asked him if they were having sex he said "That's nine if your business." And I asked him "Just tell me no." and he said "I can't tell you No....were dating...and that all I need to know." I proceded to beg and cry for him to com to his senses. He told me that I needed to move on and he NEVER wants to be with me ever again. That he thought the divorce proved that to me and that he's happy and has moved on. Did I meantion that my H and I work together and this woman works with me on the same floor as well and I have to look at them together? She looks like 10 years older than him... I than proceded to post this on my FB to get other moms opinions and if I was overreacting. How dare he involve our kids in his dating life! And to lie to me about it all this time. Just so happens that a co-worker I barley talk to messaged me and told me that this woman is her boss and best friend and that shes been through alot with her husband dieing and that she would never harm my children and that my H makes her smile again and that I should just let them be together because this woman needs it after all shes been through. I once again was upset and responded with all the things that my H has done wrong and told her to warn this woman that he's just using her and that he told me so.. I dunno why I did it. Shes gonn go straght to her and tell her. In my frame of mind that what I wanted.
He is barley speaking to me now. Hes been staying over at her house and I am trying so hard to stop myself from doing anything else. I did EVERYTHING wrong and ruined all my hard work. I love him..I dunno how to move on or to adjust to all this. I am in so much pain all the time. I felt like I snapped. As soon as my kids got involved and that they were spending time with her in made me crazy. He told me he still plans on taking the kids over there whenever they want because they had alot of fun and that I am just living in the past. Do I start over? Did I ruin everything? I dunno how to just act like this is all just okay with me when I have to see them at work and know that my kids are now seeing her too... I kinda feel like after my crazy antics that he's never gonna come home. I am embarrissed and ashamed of how I acted. We have been seperated 2 yrs now. I am losing hope.
How do you all stay strong? Have you ever flipped out on your ex and pushed them even farther away though all this? Did they come back? I dunno how I can handle my kids being over there. I feel so sick right now and alone.
You need to start LRT right away. Yes they could come back You stay strong by working on yourself and being the best parent possible.
Right now you need to just worry about the basics and take one day at a time. Eat, sleep, and breathe.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My H introduced S3 to OW and even kissed her in front of him. S3 told me. It's been almost a year I've been on this roller coaster (I hate roller coasters!) and I have learned more in these past few weeks than I did previously. FOCUS on YOURSELF! Work on yourself for you so you can be a better person/partner and most importantly a better MOM!
You're impulsive decisions (going to check up on him, arguing and begging) are not you! We do the CRAZIEST things in the beginning. I know I did!
Take care hon, We're all here to help each other out
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Thank you both so much. I am still learning the website and where to post. Hes been taking the kids there every day. She wears his coat around our work ALL the time. The coat I bought him THIS year for x/mas. But I am not showing him that I care. When I speak to him I keep it short. Make him contact me. He has sent me a few odd/random IM's at work this week. I am short when I respond and keep it simple. I have been looking great at work everytime we all see eachother and as much has I want to confront him I have kept my mouth shut and let him take the kids. What choice do I have really? I just have to trust tht he is a good father and go from there. It has not been easy. But the other way just pushed him away.
