Just separated from my husband and need support

[Milady]

I've been reading the posts here for the last couple of months and have been really encouraged and inspired by the stories. I'm ready to share my story as I need some support. My family thinks I am being a doormat for trying to DB and my friends think I'm an idiot. I'm not sure if they're right.

I'll try to be as succinct as possible, but this is a long story: back in Oct. my husband out of the blue announced that he was not happy and wanted a divorce (btw, this was two days before my birthday so that was fun). I knew we had been having problems but blamed it on recent events. We moved to a new city in June for his job. I had no friends or family there and had been unable to find work in my field so I was home all the time and feeling really lonely and probably not being the best wife to him (although I thought that was part of the deal with me giving up my job to move with him). He hates his job and works 70 hour weeks. We have also only been married two years so we were still getting adjusted (the people who told me nothing would change after marriage were lying). Anyway, I responded in the predictable way, crying, begging, getting angry. He agreed to see a counselor but said he knew it wouldn't help. So for the next two months we saw a counselor, which seemed to be helping but he still said he wanted out. During this time we are still ML and towards the end of December H is even kissing me (hadn't been doing that before). Then I do something stupid. H tells me he doesn't want to do Christmas together since things are still tense. Since he would be working that basically meant I was kicked out of our home for Christmas while his family came there. I was really angry and hurt and I told some people on his side of the family what was going on and that I was getting kicked out for Christmas. H was infuriated by this and said it was the last straw even though "things were getting better," which he had refused to admit previously. He said he was definitely filing papers but wouldn't say when. I went to my friend's house for New Years to escape and when I got back H was really emotional and asking why I was still being so nice to him (uh, because I love you?) He still wouldn't say when he was going to file. A few days later he tells me out of the blue that he loves me and wants to "take divorce off the table" and work on us. I'm ecstatic, but obviously skeptical. He promises he means it and he won't do it again and he's sorry for putting me through that. A few weeks go by and things are kind of strained and awkward (I thought understandably so, since we spent the past two months thinking we were divorcing). We didn't have a chance to go to counseling because we were both doing some traveling, and H's work load is insane so I didn't see much of him. I started to notice him reverting to old behaviors: going out with friends instead of coming home after work, getting immediately on the computer and ignoring me, not giving me any affection. And then sure enough, right after Valentine's Day (which he totally ignored) he tells me things are too awkward and we have grown apart and there is no fixing us and he wants a divorce. At that point I was just pissed because why would he put me through thinking things were going to be ok and then pull the rug out from under me again? Despite my snooping and obsessing I have found no evidence of an A, but to me that is the only explanation I can think of for his going back and forth. Anyway, I decided the only thing I could do at that point was move out and try the LRT. I still had no job so I moved a few hours away to live with my sister. I moved March 1. I am still looking for a job but I've had many more interviews here than I did there. Since moving I have mostly left contact up to H. He has called me once, during which time he asked why I never call or text him. I really believe he still loves me but is just going through a crisis. He still says he doesn't know when he will file papers. His excuse is he wants me to have his health insurance as long as possible, but I think if he really wanted out he would file. He also at one point before I left told me, "well, you're the one who's moving out" like I was the one hurting him. I'm trying to stay positive, but there are days (like yesterday) where I am just angry and think I should just file myself and move on to someone who really wants to be with me. Some days I obsess over whether there was or is someone else or if he considers himself single now that I've moved out. Like so many other people have said it is like he has become a different person these last few months and I really really don't like that guy. But I want to believe that underneath it all is my sweet, thoughtful husband. I guess I just want to hear from others that I'm not being an idiot to wait and hope that I can turn things around even though they've gotten to this point where it seems un-fixable.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Please hit carriage return when you post so it is easier to read.

Sounds like he is following the script.

He is asking for SPACE, give it to him.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he say and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

[Milady]

Thank you Cadet. Sorry about the last post, I didn't realize it would be so hard to read.

A bit more background on H: I think he is depressed, he has even admitted he is probably depressed (and he's a doctor so he should know), but he refuses to talk to anyone and has been hesitant to go on anything. I myself have suffered from depression, which probably did not help our relationship, but I have finally found the right treatment for me and am feeling better than I have in years when it comes to that.

This last year has been a huge shift for him. Going from being a medical student whose parents paid all his bills to moving to a new city and starting a really hard residency and having to be financially responsible for the first time in his life. I see a lot of parallels between his behaviors and men in a MLC, though he is only 27. Could anyone suggest any books on MLC that might be appropriate for a younger man?

He texted me last night to ask about a bill, but then went on to ask about my weekend, etc. For the most part I have allowed him to be the one to initiate contact and I plan to continue that.

On a positive note, I had a job interview today and it went really well! Hopefully I will have a job soon and that will take a huge amount of stress off of me and make me feel like I have a purpose again.

[Milady]

I have been thinking about what 180s I need to be doing and what H's stereotype of me is. Perhaps if I put it out there in a public space I will stick to my goals better.

His stereotype of me:
-I take everything very personally and get upset even when he is trying to make a joke
-I nag him about things
-I am a bit of a baby about things. I don't really take care of my own bills, etc. I've always had someone else to do that for me.
-I am very introverted. I like to stay at home rather than go out with friends.
-If I know there is a problem I will often wait until it becomes an emergency before I do something about it.

So 180s would be:
-Assume that he is not criticizing me and try to let things roll of my shoulders a bit more.
-Ask him nicely when something really needs to be done and let smaller things go.
-Grow up and take care of myself (and yes, I know how important this part is). I just did my own taxes so I'm slowly learning.
-Develop more of a social life. Say yes when friends invite me out. Join a social group. Take a class.
-Be more proactive with any issues that arise.

And my own personal goal is to become a more non-reactive person as I've always been extremely reactive. I'm trying to remember that anger never makes situations better and often makes them worse and that the only thing in this world I can control is my own thoughts and actions.

[Milady]

I have a question: if we are not supposed to believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do, does that mean I shouldn't believe positive things my h is saying/doing? Do I believe him when he says he still cares for me?

[Milady]

So, it is taking like four days for my posts to show up which seems to be burying this thread so who knows if anyone will even read this, but I have no one else to talk to. I was feeling so good this last week about everything. I have not been initiating contact and he has texted me practically every day this week. Usually something about our dog or cat but will follow up with other things. I am always the one who ends the conversation. On Tuesday we exchanged some flirty texts and ended up talking on the phone. He said he wished I was there, he made a comment that I construed as him admitting he still isn't sure about ending things.

Then today he started asking about bills and what I can afford to pay and making me feel like I'm a terrible person because I've been out of work for awhile (this has been a point of contention, he was never supportive, just bitter that because I didn't have a job, he couldn't spend money on whatever he wanted, which is what he was used to). I already feel like a terrible person because I don't have a job, I don't need him to rub it in. And I feel like he is just focusing on why I'm not good for him again, because I'm just another responsibility.

All in all, it's been a wretched day. I thought I would hear back from the interview I had and I never did. I miss him so much and I had myself all psyched up thinking he was missing me too. I really want to go get some of my stuff next weekend and see him but I was hoping I could get him to invite me instead of inviting myself. I've been doing really well with staying positive and today I just can't. Plus my friends and family are making me feel worse. Please someone tell me it will get better.

[Cadet]

It will get better, looks like your are off moderation.

Sorry no one has been answering your questions but it should start to get better now.

Sounds like in this last post you had some EXPECTATIONS.

Try to bring them down and that will help you a lot.

Keep posting and asking questions and I am sure that they will get answered.

[HollyAnn]

All in all, I think you're doing remarkably well. Good job on not being so pursuing anymore!
Your h sounds like he is carrying a heavy load right now, but he's the one who wanted be a dr, right? He has some growing up to do as well if he has never supported himself until now. I'm sure it's a rude awakening.
Yes, believe nothing they say and half of what you see, both positive and negative right now. Reason being, he is "confused." God, it felt so lame to type that out, but I hate "THE FOG" because it removes so much responsibility from a WAS.
Your h needs to miss you, to feel some consequences for his actions; and that means not being too available to him.
Try not to react when he talks divorce again; that will just cause you to spin. Just try to keep your cool like you have been.
Don't look for excuses to see him either. WAS's are notorious for trying to string you along with little crumbs of affection and false hope.
Hang in there, sweetie.

[hopingandpraying]

Hi,

I have been trying to read your posts and saw that you mentioned you think your H may have depression issues. I think the same thing about my H. 5 weeks ago, he gave me the "I have no feelings for you" and I want out, so he left.

It looks like you are doing a great job of not contacting him...this is where I have a hard time. I have probably only initiated texts like 5x in 5 weeks and have called him like 3 times, but it's been me. He responds, but they are short. So, keep up the good work with that!

Like Cadet says, you do need to have NO expectations. That is also something I am working very hard on because I have high expectations for myself so I have high expectations for others.

I'm glad to see that you have set goals for yourself and things you feel you need to change to make a better you.

I find that hard to do because my H, to this day, will say he has a great wife and has no complaints...weird huh! So, I'm not sure what I could work on to help our M...I am only working on things for me, like doing Zumba and reading more and things like that.

I wish I could give you more insight, but I'm lost every day!!

[Milady]

Thank you all for the encouragement and insight. It has been a few days since I've posted so I thought I'd do an update. After I came on here whining that I felt our conversation had gone downhill, I got a few more texts from H later that night that were more friendly, so maybe he was really just wondering about the bills and I took it the wrong way. Anyway, I continued to not (or rarely) instigate conversations, and I noticed that he was texting me more and more frequently. Saturday night we exchanged texts until I went to bed and then I woke up Sunday to a "good morning" text, which was sweet and something he hadn't done since I'd moved out. We even talked on the phone a little that day.
Yesterday (Monday) he again sent me a text in the morning asking what I was doing that day. I said nothing really and he asked if I would like to come visit for a few days. Part of me knew that I should say no and not jump at the first chance to see him just because he asked, but I really didn't have anything to do and I was getting kind of depressed waiting to hear back about job applications, and I did need to get some stuff so I decided to drive down to see him (about 4 hours away).
I got here last night and he greeted me with a hug and kiss. Obviously I am trying not to attach meaning to all of this and just enjoy some time with him. I haven't asked him what it means or brought up the R and I don't intend to. I just want to show him that we can still have fun together.