I'm new here so a little about me: Married in Jun 2011, together for 4 years prior. I'm 30, H is 32. We have had a great relationship, loving, caring, strong physical and emotional connection, no real fights or arguments.
We ran into a hiccup last year when my gut told me something wasn't right. I noticed on our phone records there were A LOT of text msg to one number. So one night I looked at his phone and true to my gut there were very flirtatious txts between him and a girl 11 years younger than he. I confronted him on it right away and he initially was furious I looked then apologetic and affirmed it was nothing and just a girl he trains (he's a personal trainer). I said ok they have to stop and its disrespectful. Then he started with the somethings not right in our relationship...I'm just not happy....I love you but I'm not in love with you. Time passed and we just got back to the normal us. When we chatted about it a few months later he apologized for putting me through that and thanked me for putting up with him and that he felt 100% better. Things got better and better with us, wedding went ahead and everything was fine.
After the wedding I started getting that weird feeling again. I knew he still trained her and she was around and I hated it. I voiced my concern but he affirmed he was just her trainer. I let it slide and just thought it was because I knew she was around. When he was away on a trip with the sports team he plays for I got that weird feeling and checked his email - he had sent her a picture of himself with his shirt off. I was floored. I didn't know what to do with the info so took a screen capture and kept it to myself because I didn't want to let him know I was checking his emails.
Over the summer we had a few arguments, all to do with this girl. He finally told me in August she was moving away to go to school and I felt a huge sense of relief. I felt she's out of the picture and we can get on with our life without a 20 year old interfering.
In get our phone records and I noticed there was still some communication going on between them. It infuriated me. They had never ever stopped talking after the previous year, i felt that he would tell me they had to make me feel better and just hide it from me.
In September I went to log onto his email and noticed he changed his password. I was nervous with him knowing I had been in there, as I hate the fact that I was snooping.He never said anything about it. At the beginning of October he had to go away for work, which isn't unusual but again my gut feeling started flaring up again. Something didn't seem right about what he was saying and this trip in general. He took a while to tell me where he was staying and was very vague. Upon his return our phone bill had come in and I just had a quick look through it and noticed that the city he said he was in wasn't the city the phone bill said he was calling from and was actually the city this girl had moved to. I was furious and immediately confronted him on it. He denied it at first, then when I told him I had proof he caved. I asked if they had met up and he swore that they were going to but it never ended up working out. It was then (a month later) that he told me he knew I was checking his emails and he was so mad at me and it made him question his love for me and made him feel like he was falling out of love. I asked why he didn't say anything and he couldn't answer.
We started talking more about the issues and at first he didn't make much of it. But the more we spoke the more he kept saying he didn't know if he could forgive what I had done and it was making him question everything. He, similar to the previous year, got into this negative vacuum. I really started thinking he was depressed. I told him people get over this stuff all the time and we have issues with trust and communication and we just need to work on them but he completely shut down and hated that I was being so positive. I said people get through worse than this all the time and he pulls the "I don't want to be like other people", " I don't know if i can get over this". These types of conversations evolved to the similar "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "I'm just not happy in our relationship" (yet couldn't answer what would make him happy or what it was that was making him unhappy). The only thing he would say to me is that he felt something wasn't right and I would be sat on one couch and him on the other and we might as well be there along. He said our relationship wasn't going anywhere. I told him relationships and love take work, they don't just happen. I didn't understand how he could say our relationship wasn't going anywhere - we travelled all the time, were out for dinner with friends, had an active social life and through all of this still had a sizzling physical connection, ML pretty passionately almost every second day. None of this was adding up and everything he was telling me sounded like excuses. I felt in my gut he was lying about something and my suspicious were about this girl.
At that point he was still living in the house, still sleeping in bed next to me. One night we had a pretty big blow up about my issues with trust, and his inappropriate behaviour with this girl. I said how are you the only person who doesn't see what you are doing is wrong. We fought and went to sleep. The next day I got to work and the first thing I saw was he had added her to his friends on facebook. I lost my marbles at him (and I might add I have only done that maybe 3 times in our relationship - all about her). He said it meant nothing, they were only friends and he didn't understand why I was making such a big deal over it. I said it felt like a slap in the face after everything that has been done and said. It was that night he came home from work and said my reaction had made him feel worse about everything and he was going to stay at his friends house for a few days. That was Oct 28.
He came back home a few days later and we tried to piece things back together. The first night was normal and the second night he was quiet and I finally said whats up, a fight exploded and at the end of it we were done (as in our relationship). A week later, after not having any communication he came back and said it wasn't fair on him, me or our relationship to make rash decisions and we had to work on it. He said he was happy where he was at the moment but we would start hanging out every other night and work on it. We did this for two months. I told him that it wasn't helping me much because it was devastating every time he left. Our nights together were great and yes we were still being intimate. He was doing loving caring things for me as he normally would yet was telling me he wasn't in love with me. Soooo confusing.
In this time I had started see a councillor who was so helpful and really felt he should come to. He would ask questions about it etc and I said it was for me to improve myself and if he ever wanted to come
As christmas approached I started getting anxious on what he was planning to do and one day I texted him and asked. He said "I don't know, probably staying here why" so i finally said i'm going away and spending it with my bro. I think this shook him a bit. He called me before I left and was interested in what I was doing, when I was leaving, when I was getting back and what I was doing with the dog. He asked if he could stay at the house and look after him cause he missed him. I said fine. The whole time I was gone he was calling me to make sure I got there ok, and see how my xmas was going etc and said he wanted to pick me up from the airport. I said fine.
He picked me up, asked to sleep at the house, asked to spend the night in our bed, was physical with me and said he would come up the next day to talk after work. When he came up he alluded to the fact that his feelings haven't changed (yet doesn't get expressive in what these feelings are) and alluded to us being done. When i finally said whats going on he just said "i guess we are done". I said you don't just end a marriage by saying the words like that and not having a plan - which he had none. I said if this was his decision he had to sort it all out.
I started hearing rumblings of more stuff between him and this OW (which I hate to even call her because she is 20). I confronted him on everything and he still affirms he only trains her. So I finally told him I had seen pictures in his email and only then did he say it was a "flirtatious" relationship but was never physical. I told him I knew they spoke on skype, that they still talk on the phone at 2, 3, 4 in the morning - all inappropriate. He is lying about everything.
I asked why he married me and he said because he loved me. I said how do your feeling change so fast because you told me in september you started questioning your feelings. He said it started happening before that - which only leaves July and August. I said you can't fall out of love in a month, he said maybe I can. I said you don't forget 4 years of love in a month. I decided then and there to call his bluff on the girl to see his reaction. I said take out your phone we will call her now and clear this up. If you are being honest and its nothing it shouldn't matter and I need this for my own peace. He wouldn't. So I took out my phone and started dialling her number - he was losing his mind and freaking at me saying "why do you have to involve her, this is stupid, etc etc" his reaction along speaks volumes!
I told him its time he is accountable for his actions and decisions. His inaction after even saying we are over shows he isn't being accountable and doesn't want to face what he is doing. I speak often to his mom and his family. They agree that none of this makes sense, there is something else and he is lying. His grandfather says he has a history of acting, then thinking and when faced with consequences running away. He hit the nail on the head as that is exactly what he is doing. Through all of this anytime he is confronted or things aren't going well he runs and hides, sticking his head in the sand hoping it will all go away - that isn't reality. Its actually like he is not living in reality, just living to the next moment. He has alienated his friends and family from all of this, only talks to people that tell him what he wants to hear or that won't pressure him. It s affecting his job, his reputation, his whole life yet its like hes living in a fog. How can someone change so quickly ( and I suspect it has a lot to do with this girl)? HOw long can someone live in the web of lies? He is changing history when we talk and changing the things that he says to me. essentially lying to get through to the next minute. He's lying about lies and even his mom is catching him in that.
I am at the point I don't know what else to do. I am GAL and trying to go as dark as possible but tend to explode at him the more I hear about this girl.
Any help and guidance would be greatly appreciated!
I have ordered DB and am waiting for it to be shipped. I have pieced a lot of it together through the boards and the blog.
I might add though I hate him right now for ripping my heart out I still love him and want to try and work this out. I don't even really care what has happened with this girl. I think what hurts the most is that he isn't being honest about something and never once gave us a try. He said something didn't feel right and turned off - can people actually do that - or is it something else?
How long do I wait?
I hate the people in the community (which I introduced him to) are saying they hear that its over. I feel like I'm either living in denial and still have hope or that our definition of ending a marriage is very different...
Does he think by saying "I guess we are done" that our marriage is over - if so hes acting like a 15 year old - which he has been through all of this. My idea of starting to be over is putting the wheels in motion to actually seperate your lives - am i wrong? Half of his clothes are still here at the house that we own together and that he still pays for ??
Hi there, and I am SO sorry you're going through this. My relationship is done but I wanted to answer you anyways as reading your post gave me a glimpse of what my future surely would have looked like had I gone ahead with my marriage this April.
Originally Posted By: enough already
I'm new here so a little about me: Married in Jun 2011, together for 4 years prior. I'm 30, H is 32. We have had a great relationship, loving, caring, strong physical and emotional connection, no real fights or arguments.
We ran into a hiccup last year when my gut told me something wasn't right. I noticed on our phone records there were A LOT of text msg to one number. So one night I looked at his phone and true to my gut there were very flirtatious txts between him and a girl 11 years younger than he. I confronted him on it right away and he initially was furious I looked then apologetic and affirmed it was nothing and just a girl he trains (he's a personal trainer). I said ok they have to stop and its disrespectful. Then he started with the somethings not right in our relationship...I'm just not happy....I love you but I'm not in love with you. Time passed and we just got back to the normal us. When we chatted about it a few months later he apologized for putting me through that and thanked me for putting up with him and that he felt 100% better. Things got better and better with us, wedding went ahead and everything was fine.
After the wedding I started getting that weird feeling again. I knew he still trained her and she was around and I hated it. He should have stopped training her, and by no request from you. If he was serious about stopping. I voiced my concern but he affirmed he was just her trainer. I let it slide and just thought it was because I knew she was around. When he was away on a trip with the sports team he plays for I got that weird feeling and checked his email - he had sent her a picture of himself with his shirt off. I was floored. I didn't know what to do with the info so took a screen capture and kept it to myself because I didn't want to let him know I was checking his emails.
Over the summer we had a few arguments, all to do with this girl. He finally told me in August she was moving away to go to school and I felt a huge sense of relief. I felt she's out of the picture and we can get on with our life without a 20 year old interfering.
In get our phone records and I noticed there was still some communication going on between them. It infuriated me. They had never ever stopped talking after the previous year, i felt that he would tell me they had to make me feel better and just hide it from me.
In September I went to log onto his email and noticed he changed his password. I was nervous with him knowing I had been in there, as I hate the fact that I was snooping.He never said anything about it. At the beginning of October he had to go away for work, which isn't unusual but again my gut feeling started flaring up again. Something didn't seem right about what he was saying and this trip in general. He took a while to tell me where he was staying and was very vague. Upon his return our phone bill had come in and I just had a quick look through it and noticed that the city he said he was in wasn't the city the phone bill said he was calling from and was actually the city this girl had moved to. I was furious and immediately confronted him on it. He denied it at first, then when I told him I had proof he caved. I asked if they had met up and he swore that they were going to but it never ended up working out. It was then (a month later) that he told me he knew I was checking his emails and he was so mad at me and it made him question his love for me and made him feel like he was falling out of love. I asked why he didn't say anything and he couldn't answer. This is him gaslighting you. Yes a person would have every right in the world to be angry if a spouse has no trust for them. BUT you found something and have found something every.single.time you've looked. It's a catch 22, and two wrongs don't make a right but turning it around on you and blaming YOU for his uncertainty in the relationship because you don't trust him is gaslighting.
We started talking more about the issues and at first he didn't make much of it. But the more we spoke the more he kept saying he didn't know if he could forgive what I had done and it was making him question everything. He, similar to the previous year, got into this negative vacuum. I really started thinking he was depressed. I told him people get over this stuff all the time and we have issues with trust and communication and we just need to work on them but he completely shut down and hated that I was being so positive. I said people get through worse than this all the time and he pulls the "I don't want to be like other people", " I don't know if i can get over this". These types of conversations evolved to the similar "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "I'm just not happy in our relationship" (yet couldn't answer what would make him happy or what it was that was making him unhappy). The only thing he would say to me is that he felt something wasn't right and I would be sat on one couch and him on the other and we might as well be there along. He said our relationship wasn't going anywhere. I told him relationships and love take work, they don't just happen. I didn't understand how he could say our relationship wasn't going anywhere - we travelled all the time, were out for dinner with friends, had an active social life and through all of this still had a sizzling physical connection, ML pretty passionately almost every second day. None of this was adding up and everything he was telling me sounded like excuses. To quote Judge Judy (lol) "if something doesn't make sense then it is most likely not true". Aside from a few few instances, every single thing that didn't 'add up' in my now defunct relationship, was complete and utter B.S I felt in my gut he was lying about something and my suspicious were about this girl.
At that point he was still living in the house, still sleeping in bed next to me. One night we had a pretty big blow up about my issues with trust, and his inappropriate behaviour with this girl. I said how are you the only person who doesn't see what you are doing is wrong. We fought and went to sleep. The next day I got to work and the first thing I saw was he had added her to his friends on facebook. I lost my marbles at him (and I might add I have only done that maybe 3 times in our relationship - all about her). He said it meant nothing, they were only friends and he didn't understand why I was making such a big deal over it. I said it felt like a slap in the face after everything that has been done and said. It was that night he came home from work and said my reaction had made him feel worse about everything and he was going to stay at his friends house for a few days. That was Oct 28.
He came back home a few days later and we tried to piece things back together. The first night was normal and the second night he was quiet and I finally said whats up, a fight exploded and at the end of it we were done (as in our relationship). A week later, after not having any communication he came back and said it wasn't fair on him, me or our relationship to make rash decisions and we had to work on it. He said he was happy where he was at the moment but we would start hanging out every other night and work on it. We did this for two months. I told him that it wasn't helping me much because it was devastating every time he left. Our nights together were great and yes we were still being intimate. He was doing loving caring things for me as he normally would yet was telling me he wasn't in love with me. Soooo confusing.
In this time I had started see a councillor who was so helpful and really felt he should come to. He would ask questions about it etc and I said it was for me to improve myself and if he ever wanted to come
As christmas approached I started getting anxious on what he was planning to do and one day I texted him and asked. He said "I don't know, probably staying here why" so i finally said i'm going away and spending it with my bro. I think this shook him a bit. He called me before I left and was interested in what I was doing, when I was leaving, when I was getting back and what I was doing with the dog. He asked if he could stay at the house and look after him cause he missed him. I said fine. The whole time I was gone he was calling me to make sure I got there ok, and see how my xmas was going etc and said he wanted to pick me up from the airport. I said fine. Early GAL results at their finest. I DOUBT your H is thinking this OW (or in her case... OG) is marriage material, or even relationship material. He probably has no idea whether he is coming or going in all this
He picked me up, asked to sleep at the house, asked to spend the night in our bed, was physical with me FWIW.. I think in this situation - you should stop being intimate. Also, please get tested if you didn't use a condom. and said he would come up the next day to talk after work. When he came up he alluded to the fact that his feelings haven't changed (yet doesn't get expressive in what these feelings are) and alluded to us being done. When i finally said whats going on he just said "i guess we are done". I said you don't just end a marriage by saying the words like that and not having a plan - which he had none. I said if this was his decision he had to sort it all out.
I started hearing rumblings of more stuff between him and this OW (which I hate to even call her because she is 20). I confronted him on everything and he still affirms he only trains her. So I finally told him I had seen pictures in his email and only then did he say it was a "flirtatious" relationship but was never physical. I told him I knew they spoke on skype, that they still talk on the phone at 2, 3, 4 in the morning - all inappropriate. He is lying about everything.
I asked why he married me and he said because he loved me. I said how do your feeling change so fast because you told me in september you started questioning your feelings. He said it started happening before that - which only leaves July and August. I said you can't fall out of love in a month, he said maybe I can. I said you don't forget 4 years of love in a month. I decided then and there to call his bluff on the girl to see his reaction. I said take out your phone we will call her now and clear this up. If you are being honest and its nothing it shouldn't matter and I need this for my own peace. He wouldn't. So I took out my phone and started dialling her number - he was losing his mind and freaking at me saying "why do you have to involve her, this is stupid, etc etc" his reaction along speaks volumes!
I told him its time he is accountable for his actions and decisions. His inaction after even saying we are over shows he isn't being accountable and doesn't want to face what he is doing. I speak often to his mom and his family. They agree that none of this makes sense, there is something else and he is lying. His grandfather says he has a history of acting, then thinking and when faced with consequences running away. He hit the nail on the head as that is exactly what he is doing. Through all of this anytime he is confronted or things aren't going well he runs and hides, sticking his head in the sand hoping it will all go away - that isn't reality. Its actually like he is not living in reality, just living to the next moment. He has alienated his friends and family from all of this, only talks to people that tell him what he wants to hear or that won't pressure him. It s affecting his job, his reputation, his whole life yet its like hes living in a fog. How can someone change so quickly ( and I suspect it has a lot to do with this girl)? HOw long can someone live in the web of lies? He is changing history when we talk and changing the things that he says to me. essentially lying to get through to the next minute. He's lying about lies and even his mom is catching him in that.
I am at the point I don't know what else to do. I am GAL and trying to go as dark as possible but tend to explode at him the more I hear about this girl.
Any help and guidance would be greatly appreciated!
Lost and Lonely, Enough already!
I hear SO much of my story in yours. My difference is, as I mentioned, we cancelled our wedding back in Oct that was supposed to take place this spring. My then-FI was on dating sites TWO WEEKS after leaving on his tour to the Middle East. We were also gloriously happy. He was doing this while at the same time telling me that he couldn't wait to be my husband and me to be the mother of his children. He was even trying to convince me to begin to try and conceive in Oct (our visit in Thailand) instead of waiting until the wedding. Like this guy was in like Flynn. The he just 'switch'. He too blamed it all on me. He blamed it on me fighting with him via: Skype about him not having a return date, and some other stuff. I don't want to offer advice that might be wrong by my advice to you that is just IMO... I don't think your marriage is hopeless. But I do think that trust is going to be a problem for a long time between you guys. A breach in trust is like rust. A small spot starts then it grows over time, corroding the entire surface if not checked and corrected first. I personally would play hardball. I would either leave him and go stay somewhere else, or ask him to leave (if he hasn't already) I would tell him that I need time to digest what is going on and time to see how I wanted to handle it. I would ask for space and I would go as dark as humanly possible. Then when (and I think hearing your case, it is a matter of time before he's back with is hat in hand) you can set some ground rules. IC, for you, for him. And def. marriage counselling. Boundaries set. And make him WORK to get you back. Make him work hard. Otherwise, if you let this go easily so early in your R/M, you are setting a precedent for future actions/repercussions for those actions.
Do all the regular DB stuff (no begging, letting him see you're broken up about this, GAL, going dark, etc.) Do this early and do it with GUSTO!!! You're in the 'golden spot' to do this all for it to take maximum effect.
And a side effect of doing the above? YOU will feel better. YOU will get the spring back in your step and with each passing day feel more confident.
I am sure some vets on here will chime in with much better advice. I just wanted to chime in as I am just so freshly in a sitch like yours with the lying, cheating, gaslighting, threats of R/M rupture, that I wanted to share my story.
a close friend of mine just made a VERY good point on my sitch....my H moved from the uk to be with me...we were honestly a love at first sight type of couple...inseperable ever since.... she said someone doesn't move country's for you because of such an intense connection and then just leave within months of being married because "something didn't feel right"....this does not add up what- so -ever...
Your post struck a chord with me....it is almost identical to my situation.
Together a relatively short time, H cheated with someone at work, lied about it, tried to blame me for his choices, just not happy, didn't want to deal with the issues, wouldn't listen to reason, we had a good social life, had freedom to go and do as we pleased (he had a boat and hunted and fished whenever he pleased) for the most part (buying a new house at his urging meant no trips last year). Nothing about it made sense.
H told me he married me because he "thought we coul work" but that I "would never change." In fact, he is the one who would never change, not me. Men like this have a profound ability to project. I used the same argument as you, about people changing and getting through things every day. My H is closed up tight as a drum, as is yours. It's like talking to a brick wall...a stubborn teenager.
The difference with me is that H and I had a dreadful sex life. I tried to address the issue in many ways, but he absolutely refused and always had fitting excuses that I accepted. It ultimately felt like we were roommates. I think it has to do with his kink (BDSM related) and how he was raised (lovely but roost-ruling mother). The other big difference is that when he adamently refused to work on our marriage and was continuing to see the homewrecker, I threw him out. He went to stay with friends, tried to cake-eat by visiting and supporting me with home renos we were in the middle of when he left, and dating the homewrecker. When I realised this was going on I slammed all the doors and drew the blinds.
H now lives in a one bedroom apartment in a nasty part of the city and I own the house. He can't shoot his crossbow in the backyard. Can't fish every weekend. Has the homewrecker (or not...have no idea) and her kid who undoubtedly will max out his stress levels. He will realize the calm, blue ocean that was our life (when he wasn't fighting against it) isn't there for him unless he grows the f*%! up.
You are absolutely right about your H needing to be responsible and accountable for his actions. I believe that responsibility and accountability are at the heart of the matter. Marriage and its trappings (for those that might take offense, this doesn't mean marriage is a trap...trappings are the things that come with marriage...joint accounts, shared ownership, mutual reliance, etc) is a psychological game changer for a lot of people and they just can't deal. My H couldn't deal with being truly vulnerable to or responsible another human being, regardless of the fact that we had a great life and he had all the freedom in the world. By all accounts he is emotionally unevolved...stuck in adolescence somewhere.
I firmly believe that you teach people how to treat you, and H was absolutely not going to treat me with disrespect. I also believe that people change when they experience a level of loss that they cannot deal with. As long as I am available to H he will not feel that loss, he will not face the profound pain he has dealt me and people I love and who loved him. If he never feels or faces it, then so be it. I'll have moved on with my self-respect in tact. That is what I advise you to do. Shut him out until he, of his own accord, feels true remorse and is willing to do what it takes to earn back your love and respect. Really hard I know, but it gets easier as time goes by. Fill your life up with things you like to do and remind yourself that unless he sleeps in the bed he made he'll never, ever learn. Don't tolerate disrespect. Draw up the boundaries. Mine were that H could contact me for emergencies, very important things or to discuss our marriage. When he failed to respect these boundaries I blocked his emails and ignored his calls. I continue to do so. He knows the rules.
I'll keep checking in on your thread. Our situations seem to be rare on this board in that our relationships were relatively short and there are no kids involved (If I got that right). The kind of support and guidance we need might be a little different.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Something I missed but I think is important...H and I had no real fights or arguments either. I know now that it was because he wasn't emotionally engaged in our relationship, he wasn't connected or committed on the same level as me. He didn't invest. This is partly why he could leave so easily.
Does your husband tend to compartmentalize things? Are your friends separate or blended? How about your families? Compartmentalization is a coping mechanism for people who struggle with emotional engagement and intimacy.
When H left he abandoned not only me but his fishing buddy, who is the husband of my close friend and his cycling buddy, who is also my sister's husband. We spent virtually all our social time with these people and he hasn't talked to them since. Instead, he returned to his work friends, all of whom are married and/or have kids. H has 20 year old daughter and never wanted kids, let alone to be surrounded by someone else's. He's gonna blow eventually.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Wow - GWN it does seem like our situations are quite similar.... when you said closed up like a drum like a stubborn teenage...thats it. I've even said that to him. I have told him he's acting like a 15 year old.
Our lives were pretty intertwined, not compartmentalized. Our families and friends are quiet open and togethe. He moved from a different country to be with me and i introduced him to my large group of friend, all of which were involved in the sporting community that in which he is a very talented player. Because they respect me they took him in with open arms. He is a quiet guy by nature and not overly outgoing so he takes a long time to open up and get really close to people. And that worries me about where his head is. He is internalizing so much. (is it crazy that dispite all the pain he has put me through i still have concern for what he is going through.....i guess thats the love part). Since the bomb this fall he has distanced himself from the people we have in common, which are quite extensive and is surrounding himself with seedy characters and frankly...losers. I think a large part of him is embarrassed for what he is doing and thats why he is avoiding them. H does definitely struggle with emotional engagement. He (up until this) was quite open with me but guarded with everyone else. He hasn't even talked to his closest friends from back home about what is going on.
So, like you, i am ok with the situation he is putting himself in. He lives in the basement room of his friends house (this friend is married with 2 kids under 6 and his stay at home wife is an at home childcare worker). Which is funny because again H has no interest in kids, especially young ones.
I am being firm when i say to him if this is what he wants he has to do all the work. When i said that he didn't even know what i meant....i said you don't just walk out on a marriage and not deal with our house, debt, asset, legal obligations, etc etc etc. He siad oh - yeah right. He has to face the consequences of the decisions and actions that he is made and the only way he will ever do that is to have to do all the dirty work. And frankly - i don't that he has the kahoonas to do it. So until that time, I will continue to live in our house that he is still paying for half of, drive our car that he is paying for half of and pick up the pieces of my life.
I feel like I am at a point where I am getting on with my life with or without him. Yes i have lapses and send him snarky messages when i notice or hear something but they are getting less and less. At this very moment i still have a (shrinking) place in my heart for him. But to be honest, i don't know if that will still be there when he is ready to put his 'big boy' pants on and deal with real life.
oh...and one personal satisfaction that i have is this OW or OG as she really is....doesn't live here anymore, she is out of province attending uni so i know they don't see each other often....which makes me feel a little better
as mean as it might sound i want H to feel real loneliness and pain...even just a glimmer of what he's put me through.
i do feel that the truth will come out eventually and he will hit rock bottom of this "bed" he's made for him self....i can't wait! (i know thats mean)
