Welcome to my third thread. I've been here four months, lurking for six. I've been married 18 years, have two teenage boys, and my H primarily seems to be convinced that his feelings for me are gone. We are still sharing a bed and haven't told the kids. I'm learning a great deal about myself and how to interact more effectively with H, and he hasn't taken any further action towards D, but also hasn't shown any glimmer of interest in me. Less interest than one would show for a regular platonic roommate. As I move from thread 2 to thread 3 the focus is going to be on upping the ante. The fighting and bickering has ended, we're negotiating agreements about parenting and chores, but now I need to start putting myself out there emotionally and physically to try to build a bridge back to an intimate relationship.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
H is away for a week and returns Christmas night. I've been in a really good mood with the carols on the radio and the decorations and lights. Friday afternoon I sat at the kitchen table with S11 and S13 while they made gingerbread sleighs with a kit I found at the grocery store. S13 just hovered for a minute but got sucked in and crafted a beaut - his was the last one standing. After photos, we ate them all.
I've been taking it easy on myself and just doing the holiday stuff I've felt like doing. So there aren't candles in the windows yet or garland on the porch, but the tree is lovely and some of our shopping is done. I did an ecard instead of cards. We watched the Veggie Tales Little Drummer Boy. I love Christmas.
I feel 100% ok now about H being away this week. I'm excited for him to come home to our big party, and am enjoying my time to do whatever I feel like. Planning hot yoga every night. Trying to get a lot of work done at work. Bought some new makeup and am trying to look my best.
We cancelled maid service alternating weeks after H expressed concern about how much we were spending. So yesterday I put dollar amounts on all the things they usually do, and the boys grabbed it and divvied up the chores and worked all evening. H and I agreed to try paying them instead of the maids and instead of giving them allowance. They worked so hard! S13 took the bathrooms and changed all the bedsheets. S11 went for the bonus kitchen floor scrub and all-level vacuuming. I love those boys. This freed me up to do some things I ordinarily don't, like vaccuum under and behind the fridge, dust the tops of the ceiling fans. S13 figured out that the stove top opens up like the hood of a car - I've owned stoves for 20 years and had no idea you could clean in there. It sparkles now.
I had a breakthrough at IC last Friday that's been keeping me emotionally busy. I've been wondering why I'm not more naturally giving. I'm starting to realize that it's fear of rejection that holds me back. So I want to figure out how I would handle rejection if it came up so that I don't have to fear it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Sounds great, Ad! I can imagine doing that with my boys when they were those ages. We usually made a tree ornament yo give as gifts. Wonderful, warm memories.
Good insight on the rejection. Think about when you have been rejected, how did you feel? How did you react? Were you able to let those feelings, emotions move through you or did they stay and change you?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I turned rejection around, got mad instead, or put on a smile and buried the feelings. I tried to reject first, so that I didn't get rejected, by pushing people away or putting up a wall so they couldn't really get to know me. And then feeling lonely because few people really knew me.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
checking in your post I think that was awesome how you got your kids to do the chores! I wish mine were older so I could do that too. I admire you being able to put a strong face on for the holidays and continue on with things that you like to do. Since my bomb was only dropped a month ago- I'm not strong enough to handle these holidays with as much grace... but I'm gonna try
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Hey, my first month was HORRIBLE. I cried all the time. Once I kind of realized this stuff was going to happen whether I was strong and at peace with myself or a crumpled up mess, I decided I'd rather be the former than the latter. It also helped to always focus on what would help or at least not harm my situation. Does no good to wallow. Notice what helps and consciously do it more. I also got medical help for my rollercoaster emotions and tapped several support systems including this forum, a good therapist, recommended books, and a select few friends who had been there done that.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Once I kind of realized this stuff was going to happen whether I was strong and at peace with myself or a crumpled up mess, I decided I'd rather be the former than the latter.
IMO, this is a very powerful statement. As a LBS, I think we have to accept this premise in order to move forward with GAL.
"I turned rejection around, got mad instead, or put on a smile and buried the feelings. I tried to reject first, so that I didn't get rejected, by pushing people away or putting up a wall so they couldn't really get to know me. And then feeling lonely because few people really knew me."
That's digging deep, painful but necessary.
Knowing what my triggers are and how I react automatically helps me face things in a healthier way. I also have to pay attention to how I feel when I start to get anxious/angry/fearful and then slow things down so it doesn't overtake me.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Advina, I think your advice about putting together a winning strategy, i.e. getting medical help and tapping into support systems was right on for newcomers. It takes all the disparate parts of the puzzle to be truly effective. Thanks for that!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Thanks Gunny! I was lucky to have already known about this site, from searching around a few years ago when we were having problems getting along. So I was ready to work hard as soon as the bomb hit.
A rising tide lifts all boats, they say.
I've gained so much - and avoided so many mistakes - from the others here who've gone before me, and I really hope to pass it forward to the next ones. Even though my sitch isn't a success story yet, I know these are the right things to do.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I think that was awesome how you got your kids to do the chores! I wish mine were older so I could do that too.