Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2
H
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
H
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2
Not sure where to start...kind of overwhelming, but I'll try to keep as short as possible...

At 8 mos pregnant with our first child, I discovered H was having an affair. Emails showed that it was PA and EA and had been going on for at least a year. I was shocked since in 2004 I had discovered a PA/EA with someone else and we had recovered very well (he was remorseful, we had IC and MC) - we got to the point where we both said it was one of the best things that had happened to our R. I couldn't believe this was happening again.

Since at least June of 2011 I had been sensing a distance from H - we just weren't connecting on an intimate, soul level, less physical affection, little to no sex. I kept feeling the need to persue and kept fighting it, since I've found that only makes it worse. I brought up my perception of this disconnect several times and he always said that he was just stressed from trying to get his business off the ground so that he could provide for our coming child. I doubted myself and thought that maybe I was just being more sensitive with all the pregnancy hormones.

I knew about his "friend", but had no idea that they were having an A. She came over for dinner with some friends, we went out to activities together, etc. H encouraged me to make friends with her saying that she was kind of a loner. Sometime mid-summer he asked if it was ok if he went to coffee with her. He really played up the illusion that she was just a friend and assured me that if I ever felt she was coming between us, I only had to say the word and he would end the "friendship". He seemed to be so open about it and wanting to make us all friends that I didn't suspect anything. In August, while I was away on a business trip, she was diagnosed with a life threatening bleeding tumor and was life flighted to a hospital 4 hrs from here. H called to see if it was ok for him to fly with her for support since her family was so unsupportive and she would be going alone. I said yes, but warned him that it would be easy for her to get attached to him in this sit and to please be careful...I think I said something like - don't be her knight in shining armor. He was at the hospital with her for about 4 days. During that time he wrote me an email saying how this opened his eyes to how fragile life is and how precious I am to him, how going to help a friend helped him to see how important friends are to him. I'm not sure how much of this was genuine or was meant to throw me off track.

So, Nov rolls around, I'm 8mos preg, and OW's birthday comes. For some reason, I'm not invited to the party, "its just a few really close friends, i'm sure it's not intentional" is what H says. Makes me suspicious, but I make the best of my night alone. But then I get a burr under my saddle and check his email account. That's when I see emails as far back as May talking about how great their sex is, how much they love each other, etc, etc. I call him up and ask him to come home immediately, and then confront him at home. He admits it's been going on for over a year. "It's just physical". I know this is BS. He said that he'd been trying to turn it to just friends several times but it just never worked. "he thought that after the birth of S he would be so busy, the R would just fade". I asked what the heck he was thinking when we decided to try to have a child together. He said that at that time he was feeling really close to me and figured this other relationship would just fade out of the picture.

So, we went to our counselor to try to work through things - he's a very pro marriage C and helped us through our first A. Needless to say, he was very sad to see us back again.

So throughout the month of Nov, the story from H was, we'll work on it, we'll get through this, you'll see, it will be easier than the first time. But there was never any remorse, and the only apology was that he was sorry I was hurting. We came to the point where I was asking that he cut off all contact with OW and if necessary, write a letter communicating this. He was very hesitant to do this, but eventually wrote a letter which was anything but acceptable as it went on an on about how much he'd miss her and how she had helped him discover who he really was and that hopefully someday they could continue their "friendship". I told him this wouldn't work and asked for him to try again.

Now into Dec, he's still leading me to believe he is having no contact, but no letter has been sent. I told him that I'd be willing to work on our R IF he committed to not having any contact with her. Towards the end of the month, I discover there's been no break in communication, he's still emailing every day, texting, and seeing her a few times a week. I'm not sure if at that point they were still having sex or not. I calmly talk to him, tell him I know that he hasn't ended the relationship and ask him what he really wants here. He said that he didn't discontinue the R because I told him that it would have to end for ever and he wasn't willing to do that. He said that he does love OW and "loves me like a family member". However, he's not ready to call it quits and that we shouldn't make any hasty decisions this close to our S's birth (hormones, big life change, need for support in the early weeks all mentioned as reasons). I had to agree. I felt I couldn't shove him out of my life just weeks before our son was born. I didn't feel confident in my ability to make such a huge decision on the edge of such a major life change and with hormones raging. So, at the advice of our counselor, we put things "on hold". Basically this meant that we would continue as is, living and sleeping together, but with the understanding that the OW was not yet out of the picture. This was a very difficult sit for me, but I tried to just focus on our baby coming, the preparations for that, and think as positively about the future as possible. I was pleasant to H, but did ask him a few times to account for his time away from home. His response usually was that he was not meeting with OW at that time and that his focus for now was on our "family" (not the M).

Into Feb - S born, days and nights consumed with him. Some positive times, but a lot of really sad times for me, thinking about the loss of what should have been with the birth of our first child. The baby blues really did a number on me. I think I was depressed for a majority of Feb, thinking about how horrible this whole thing was. The only shining spot was this new wonderful little guy that I could pour my energy into. H is totally attached to our S as well.

Come March - can't handle this limbo state anymore. After some IC I asked H to make a decision - me or OW - that it's too painful to continue in this holding pattern. His response is that he doesn't have hope that we could turn the R into something that we'd both be happy with. However, he's not ready to give up on all the life we've built together. BUT he's also not willing to give up OW. His thinking is that "why would I risk loosing that when I have no hope that we can be better". I got the usual lines - we've never been happy, I'm not the same person you married, I've learned so much about myself and who I really am this year, OW really helps me to be myself, ILYBNILWY, etc.

So I tell him that I need some time to think. I've now taken 2 weeks to travel 10 hours away to where my family is. The agreement is that we don't talk/text other than just pictures of S. During this time is when I've read a majority of the DR book, and started putting together my game plan. These 2 weeks have given me time to detach as well and focus on what I'd like to do to GAL. I DO want to still make this work (although I sometimes question the wisdom of that)- we've had a really good R in the past, and I believe it's worth saving IF it H is truly committed to it as well, and if we can somehow put something in place to ensure than #3 never happens. Just the act of packing everything up and H having to say goodbye to S (who was only 4wk old at the time) I noticed some change. We had a discussion before I left that was more along the lines of "let's brainstorm how we make this work" vs "I have no hope for us". The night before I left, he laid down in bed with me, face to face and just made eye contact for a long time and held my hand. For several months, his MO is to avoid any discussion or contact by reading or coming to bed after S and I are asleep. So that said, I'm not sure if these two weeks have helped or hurt - maybe he had some good time to see what it would be like without me and S, or maybe he just had a great time living with OW in our house. Who knows, cause I'm not asking!

Whew, ok so now that the history is there, here's how I'm planning on proceeding when I'm back home in a few days. Some of this is from DR book, some from the 37 steps I've read in the forum. I'd like ANY advice/help any of you may have! THANK YOU!!!

GAL:
1. Schedule times for me to workout (H watches S)
2. Make it a point to go out 1-2 times a week to meet with a friend (H watches S)
3. Start going back to church
4. Join a divorce care group at our church - which they say is for separated or people considering separation as well
5. There are a lot more things - but for now with S taking a lot of time, I think these 4 are achievable in the short term

180
1. Not asking about OW
2. Not having a R discussion other than one to figure out where we're at when I get home.
3. When he doesn't call when he's late or doesn't tell me where he's been, I won't ask and if possible not even be home when he gets there - I'll go out and have fun myself and not inform him.
4. Minimize phone calls and txt to parenting, logistics, etc
5. Let him plan his own day and take care of himself - no more making dinner, aligning our schedules, etc. (he's admitted that he takes me for granted - I'm just helping that along when I "take care" of him)
6. No more saying I love you!
7. Let him initiate any physical affection. Be polite as usual, but aloof (which will be different for me)
8. Calmly and firmly stand up for myself when I'm being devalued (no more doormat)

DB'ing
1. Finish reading the book
2. Set my goals and short term steps and monitor
3. Figure out my "more of the same"

-----------
Me:33
H:33
T:19
M:13
S born 1/2012
EA/PA #1 discovered: 08/2004, recovered by 2008
EA/PA #2 discovered: 10/2011
R "on hold" during end of pregnancy, early weeks of S life until 3/2012
Currently apart for 2 wk - minimal contact

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board.

Learn about detachment.
You can have no EXPECTATIONS
Good job with your lists.
Keep working on that.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: holdingontojoy

7. Let him initiate any physical affection. Be polite as usual, but aloof (which will be different for me)
8. Calmly and firmly stand up for myself when I'm being devalued (no more doormat)


Hi HOTJ,

Wow, this was a really tough read. I must admit, I got really angry reading about your husband's repeated disrespect for you, and for your marriage, and now of course for your FAMILY.

Re: #7, if he initiates, are you still planning on having sex with him? How would that fit in with #8? I do hope you'll protect yourself, as the health risk right now is very real and that should be of utmost importance to you.

I gotta be honest with you, based on what you've written, I wonder if your husband is really a man of quality that you want imparting his values to your son as he grows up. Other than the two affairs, have their been any other issues (drugs, alcohol, gambling, financial mismanagement, etc.), or do these two instances of infidelity really look like they're OUT of character for who this man really is?

Serial (or even repeated) infidelity is a tough one. Your husband sounds like a world-class cake-eater, as as long as he's able to live in both worlds, it sounds like he's pretty much told you that he's not going to make any decisions.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2
H
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
H
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2
Starsky, thanks so much for your reply and the difficult questions you pose. The character question is something that I've been pondering ALOT over the last two weeks and I feel I still don't have a conclusion... Perhaps someone here has a time machine that would allow me to see the future smile ?

Re: #7, if he initiates, are you still planning on having sex with him? How would that fit in with #8? I do hope you'll protect yourself, as the health risk right now is very real and that should be of utmost importance to you.
No, sex is for sure out. In fact after finding out about the A I freaked because I was so worried that something could have been transmitted to my unborn S. Sex isn't even a question though as it's been forever since H has initiated any of that. I'm only referencing hugs, kisses, a touch on the shoulder/arm. I'm an affectionate person and one of the difficult things for me is not initiating a hug, quick kiss, etc. It's as instinctual to me as saying I love you. So this is just in reference to me NOT pursuing.

I gotta be honest with you, based on what you've written, I wonder if your husband is really a man of quality that you want imparting his values to your son as he grows up. I know, this is the same debate I'm having within my own mind. Sometimes I think I must be crazy to even be considering staying. But then I remember the years where he truly was a good man - many more good than bad. Is this a temporary loss of sanity, or a deep rooted character flaw that most likely will never resolve itself.

Other than the two affairs, have their been any other issues (drugs, alcohol, gambling, financial mismanagement, etc.), or do these two instances of infidelity really look like they're OUT of character for who this man really is? There were some issues with pornography in the early years of our R. The only other issue that we've struggled with through out our marriage is that I have always been the breadwinner. This is why we waited so long to have a family - I wanted to stay home with our children in their early years. H has been unhappy with every job he's ever had, and eventually quits. Once he decided on a career path he went to school for that. During that time he was a full time student and I supported us so that he could get through more quickly. Now that he's graduated, he's been very slow to build his business (granted, it is difficult to build). If I'm quite honest, I think that me making the $ has eliminated the pressure to really go after it like he should have. This is an area where I feel taken for granted.

So the question, is this out of character is a tough one...when we married H was a devout believer, he cherished me, and persued God. The A in 2004 he viewed as a mistake that never should have happened and after our recovery felt that he was shown much mercy and grace both from me and God. He felt he knew the reasons for the mistake and promised to never let it happen again. I would say that until 2009, this was his attitude. Somewhere between 2009 and early 2011, he began to move away from that. He stopped attending church, withdrew from our christian friends, and seemed resentful when speaking of anything spiritual. Our relationship was close until early 2011, when I sensed a withdrawing. Now he says that he's "found himself". That he's not the person I married. He says that he has realized in the last year that for a long time - even before we were married, he's been squelching who he really was. With OW, he's discovered his true self. Maybe the question is do I believe what he's saying? Or is he just justifying his A and has been justifying for so long that he's lost who he is? I don't want to stay in a marriage with this new guy - who thinks it's ok to cheat on his wife while thinking it doesn't affect his marriage. I DO want to stay in a marriage with the guy that I know was there for the first 10 years of our M. My thought is that only time (with me no longer being a doormat, and possibly forcing some tough decisions) will show who the real person is.

-----------
Me:33
H:33
T:19
M:13
S born 1/2012
EA/PA #1 discovered: 08/2004, recovered by 2008
EA/PA #2 discovered: 10/2011
R "on hold" during end of pregnancy, early weeks of S life until 3/2012
Currently apart for 2 wk - minimal contact

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Holding,

How about an update? How are you doing?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard