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#2223769 02/21/12 03:46 AM
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Guess I'm supposed to start a new thread now, so here's the link to my old one.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...613#Post2223613

So, H came over again today. Started in with D stuff right away. I discussed alot of stuff with him then he took the kids to a movie. As soon as he got back, we were discussing again. So, now, tonight I am scared. Not sure what my rights are because I haven't consulted a lawyer yet. Not even sure where to begin, since I live in NC and he is filing in FL. This isn't even a typical FL D because he is military. UGH!!!

Today, I feel like he is completely done and this D can't be stopped, but gotta remember May is still a few months away and even if D happens, it's not over until I say it is!!

Why does it have to be this way?

Anyway, H is about to get super p*&^%d cause I am gonna text him tomorrow and say don't even bother coming over because I am still very uncomfortable putting anything on paper yet. He said he wouldn't file until April, so he shouldn't, realistically, have a problem, but I know he will. He should be able to come back from his school on weekends and we can discuss some stuff then. I just gotta get some legal advice first!!

On a DB note, not sure if his actions today were sparked by DB or not. Periodically I would feel the tears welling up and walk away or turn my back to compose myself, of course, he would follow me and say "what are you doing?", "whats wrong?" When I would say nothing he would get this angry look on his face and walk away. Finally, I said why are you mad and he says cause you just keep walking away. I said, would you rather see me cry, he said no, so I said ok then. He would just watch me though, when I would be fighting it back. Like he was waiting on me to flip out on him or something. I guess he was looking for that confirmation of his actions.

I am usually very emotional and cry very easily, but I think I have done great, so far. Guess that could be considered a 180.

The rest of the day was ok. I was calm and never got angry about anything. H definately doesn't seem like himself. Cold, quick to get angry, fairly flat affect, I tried to stay lighthearted and joke occasionally. He did stay for dinner, after some prodding (sry probably pursuing), but S10 wanted to make tacos for him. They stayed here while D4 and I went to the Y. They cooked together and I stayed in the kitchen while the three of them ate in the living room, hoping it would make him feel less awkward and not like I was expecting a sit down family dinner. I thanked him for staying and doing that with S10 and that I was sure that S10 enjoyed it. He said S10 did and he even showed him a new way to make them. I'm sure that interaction made S10's day!! smile

Fortunately, my spiritual advisor friend was at the Y tonight, so I was able to talk about some of todays stuff. She told me to continue praying and told me not to give in. Made me feel better!


Me31 H33
M11
T15
S10, D4
H deploys 01/11
H R&R two weeks 10/11
ILYBNILWY/sep 12/11
homecoming 1/12
pos D 1/13

Let the "real" battle begin!!
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Interested to see how H will react to me telling him not to even come over tomorrow. Don't think he'll be expecting that at all.


Me31 H33
M11
T15
S10, D4
H deploys 01/11
H R&R two weeks 10/11
ILYBNILWY/sep 12/11
homecoming 1/12
pos D 1/13

Let the "real" battle begin!!
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Well, just as I had expected. He got angry. Said he would just file and I would get served. I said I would talk about the parenting plan, child support, visitation, etc. So, he ended up coming over to get the papers.

He came over, came in, grabbed the papers, said he had a book for S10 and he would give it to me later. Then he said I'll file and you'll get served.

So, I said I thought we were gonna do the child stuff and he said no, don't worry about it so, I said ok and closed the door. About 3 min later he knocked on the door and gave me the book, acted like he was gonna walk away and said he was filing and then asked me why I didn't want to put financial, debts, etc in writing yet.

I just said I was scared and wasn't 100% comfortable with putting the stuff down. Finally, after some anger and irrition on his part he just gave in and did kid stuff.

His mood mellowed out a bit and he relaxed. Asking me for things and thanking me when I would look for them.

Today, I still feel like he's totally done with this M, but he has only seen us for 3 days now. Hopefully, he won't come over for a day or two, give him time to think about us and maybe miss us a little.

Just keep reassuring myself not to give up hope and that he hasn't even gone to the school, so reality hasn't quite started to kick in yet.

OMG, I can tell that I am so very detached though. I look at him and know I love him and know I want him back, but when he walks out of the house without saying goodbye or acknowledging me then drives away, it bothers me slightly, but not enough to interfere with me at all!!

Forgot to mention the random text last night after he left, maybe his goodbye without saying it, he said "just saw a coyote, better watch out for the cats". Normally he acts like he hates the cats. Haven't even seen him pet them when he's been here. Anyway I would think he would just see said coyote and say to himself oh, theres a coyote and go on his merry way.


Me31 H33
M11
T15
S10, D4
H deploys 01/11
H R&R two weeks 10/11
ILYBNILWY/sep 12/11
homecoming 1/12
pos D 1/13

Let the "real" battle begin!!
Joined: Jan 2012
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Unfortunately, it feels like D is probably imminent for me. H wants to file at the beginning of April. I am trying to stall as long as I can and will continue with that process.

Maybe something will change by the 11th hour!! If not, I know I will be ok!

I know I love him and want him back and I still miss him, but when he was here today, I didn't have that urge to reach out and touch him anymore! I am truly amazed at how detached I have become and I truly realize that it is letting me let go. I know in my heart, if he said to me lets work on things, I would jump at the chance to reconcile, but my feelings for him no longer control me like they used to.

I think I will write a letter, like some of you have, and I will leave it somewhere that H would see it next time he's here. Then if he reads it at least I will have been able to get some things off of my chest without actually pursuing him. If he doesn't read it, no harm done!!


Me31 H33
M11
T15
S10, D4
H deploys 01/11
H R&R two weeks 10/11
ILYBNILWY/sep 12/11
homecoming 1/12
pos D 1/13

Let the "real" battle begin!!
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IMHO I wouldn't write the letter. You've already told him everything that you would write in it.

I would suggest instead to take a harder line with him in terms of telling him not to "threaten" you. Right now you've allowed him to talk to you and treat you how he wishes and nothing's changed. So you put your foot down and tell him that you don't deserve to be treated or talked down to like that ever.

He has to earn your respect. Not the other way around.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Great point! I never thought of it that way!

I guess I have always been eager to please and prefer to avoid confrontation. I should start to stick up for myself when it comes to him. I have been walking on eggshells since the bomb trying not to ruffle his feathers while letting him trample all over me!

Next time he threatens me with L or going ahead and filing for D, I will tell him to do what he needs to do because I am not gonna tolerate being threatened or disrespected anymore. Especially when I have given him no reason whatsoever to treat me this way.

Thanks MrB!! smile


Me31 H33
M11
T15
S10, D4
H deploys 01/11
H R&R two weeks 10/11
ILYBNILWY/sep 12/11
homecoming 1/12
pos D 1/13

Let the "real" battle begin!!
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 137
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Well folks, my fight is over. H left his FB open and all the incriminating evidence was there. He is convinced OW is the love of his life and I am sure he wants D over asap so they can get married or move in together. So, I am officially over it. I have absolutely completely detached myself and I no longer have a desire to fight for him or our M.


Me31 H33
M11
T15
S10, D4
H deploys 01/11
H R&R two weeks 10/11
ILYBNILWY/sep 12/11
homecoming 1/12
pos D 1/13

Let the "real" battle begin!!
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So sorry but it explains a lot. Keep coming here as you have just begun finding your real self and you will have to have a co-parenting relationship with this man so might as well try to make it a workable relationship.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: 31nheartbroken
Great point! I never thought of it that way!

I guess I have always been eager to please and prefer to avoid confrontation. I should start to stick up for myself when it comes to him. I have been walking on eggshells since the bomb trying not to ruffle his feathers while letting him trample all over me!

wait a minute.... DBing the way you are is not a 180? Then yes def stick up for yourself. Don't be rude but be sterner. I'm so sorry frown

You sound amazingly strong


Next time he threatens me with L or going ahead and filing for D, I will tell him to do what he needs to do because I am not gonna tolerate being threatened or disrespected anymore. Especially when I have given him no reason whatsoever to treat me this way.

Thanks MrB!! smile

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Originally Posted By: 31nheartbroken
Well folks, my fight is over. H left his FB open and all the incriminating evidence was there. He is convinced OW is the love of his life and I am sure he wants D over asap so they can get married or move in together. So, I am officially over it. I have absolutely completely detached myself and I no longer have a desire to fight for him or our M.


Aw 31!! ((((())))))) Does it feel better to know for sure? Not to pry, but are his sentiments returned? If not, it could just be a 'fantasy' fog? Again, you sound amazingly strong. In fact, now that 'push has come to shove' you sound even stronger than when you first started posting! Thats a huge accomplishment and I really admire you

If your sure this is your breaking point, so be it, but please don't let him bully you (because that is what he is being) Please get some legal advice. I am not sure if the US army is the same as the Can army, but if you can't afford a lawyer on your own, right now they should be responsible to provide you with help as you are still a spouse of an active duty member.

((()))) x 1 million


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