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Joined: Feb 2012
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Hi I'm a M 33 and W 31 been married nearly 9 years and together for 12 2 kids D 8 S 6.
Sitch - been having intimacy problems and neither of us communicating properly for the last 2 years. This has coincided with me going back to UNI and spending lots of time studying. In order for it to work my wife had to work full time in the day & I had to work part time in the evening - so very little time for the relationship. My wife took up ballroom dancing about 2 years ago & since she has acquired a new circle of friends and a dance partner. She loved it so much she convinced me to start dancing last September. This was great as we spent time together once a week every week and had fun - it was our night. This soon stopped and my wife said she was frustrated dancing at a beginers level when she was more advanced, so I decided to keep it going so I could be as good or good enough for her to dance with me & went alone.
Around Christmas I noticed my wife was non stop texting all the time & said she was messaging her friends. At first I accepted this but noticed that her phone was never out of her hand, ever!! Then the nights out on a Saturday started with her dance friends coming in @ 5am and being hung over all day Sunday. Whilst I was looking after the kids - doing the housework & trying to study.
Then in February we were going out dancing & my wife wanted to go out to town afterwards - I said that I didn't want to because we didn't like the same places and that I was tired (I really meant I didn't want Wife to be hungover so I couldn't study). This really hurt my W as she thought I didn't want to be with her. I instantly realised what I had done & tried to apologise & said that I would love to go out anywhere and that I was an idiot for saying no - My W said it was last straw and that she thought our marraige was over and that she can't do this anymore. This came as a real shock to me & it was the Bomb!
It made me start to reflect on our relationship and how I'd been taking my stress out on others and not enjoying myself with W and kids (D 8 S 6). I then started to do everything possible to make it up to her which you guys call smothering - didn't work - she didn't believe anything I said.
Then a couple of weeks ago she went out looking like a million dollars with her dance friends and I said I'd wait up for her, she came home at 8am and I had been worried sick all night. She said she'd fell asleep at a party, but I knew she was lying. So I said I was going to move into my sisters and give her space & still take the kids to and from school. After a night apart she said she wanted me to sleep on our couch, which I thought was a start. I just kept getting knocked down every time I made an effort & my UNI work has suffered, when this week she asked me out of politeness to go out with her friends, I said yes & drove there, so I could leave if it wasn't pleasant. I made a real effort and she shunned all my dance moves and affection & at the bar she unzipped her top & flaunted her bra in front of me - sort of saying here's what you're missing. I was disgusted with her & left the club & went home.
The next morning I said I didn't want this anymore & couldn't undestand why she had been so cold over a row & that I was going to tell the kids that because she didn't love me there daddy has got to move out. She looked crushed, so I left the house for a few hours and picked up the kids to take them to my sisters to play. When I came back I started to pack a bag and she came upstairs and asked me why I was going & I said after last night I know that there is nothing there for you in your cold heart & that I am going, because she didn't want to fight for our marraige. I told her that all's I wanted to do was be with her & make her feel beautiful & make love to her. She started crying & said she thought I didn't love her & that she thought I was having an affair because I was in the library all of the time.
We kissed and made up which was amazing and had the best sex ever!! Then later on she said that she hadn't been totally honest with me & that she had got close to her dance partner & that he was texting her all the time & that she kissed him on a christmas night out & that the night she came home at 8am she was with him - but they never slept together. I don't know whether to believe that part or not, but I was so happy that I knew she still loved me, That I forgave her and took her back to bed and made love twice - it felt better than when we were first together.
She deleted his number & said that she will delete any messages he sends and not reply to them & that she will stop dancing so she has no contact with him. I want this to work so bad, I have forgiven her but I have got some trust issues & the thought of another man touching my wife makes me feel sick.

Do you think I am right to forgive my wife so easily? I just love her so much I would do anything to make her happy.
Apologies for the long post, have you got any advice for me?


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
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Bill is this your only thread. I thought I saw another one. Welcome to the board. Please read the divorce remedy. I will post the 37 rules for you start,
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





Joined: Feb 2012
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Thanks Rick - I'm sorry I haven't been back on here for a while & didn't think my last thread worked. I'm at a different place now I was trying miserably at the 37 steps & what finally got through to her was a full on dressing down to - I ran the riot act at her & said I was leaving regardless of what she wanted and packed a bag. She cracked & brokedown and when she started to open up to me she said she believed I still loved her & wasn't just saying these things, because I had faught for her and she could see in my eyes I meant every word of it. We made up and had the best sex of my life. I was so happy, I'd been given another chance and I was gonna take it and make her feel like the only woman in the world. Then hours later she confessed to having an affair with her dance partner. She says that they haven't slept together - only kissed and fooled around - but on that other post when she came in @ 8am she had gone back to his place. I was so mixed up emotionally, on the one hand I was on cloud 9 so happy & then this which I should have worked out really. She said that she had called him & told him it was over & delted his number from her phone & all the text messages and said that she would stop going dancing altogether. I forgave her and we went back to bed and made love twice and I had never felt closer to her. Today it sunk in what she had done and I don't hate her, I just hate what she's done. I've booked myself in for some counselling to try & deal with the trust issue. I asked her to show me any text messages he sends before she deletes them, which today she did & deleted without responding to it. It's going to be hard, she feels so guilty and rightly so!! I want it to work so bad & have forgiven her. I'm happy but it's tinged with the thought of another man touching my wife. I know I can get over it, I just hope she can cope with the guilt & not run away from this.


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

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