Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
C
ces67 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
Starting a new thread since I reached 100. Here's the link to the first thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2208942#Post2208942

Small signs of hope continue. After my last venting session, I'll start this post with some things that seem positive:

W is finally decorating the house (she's refused since the move because she didn't want to be here)
W initiated 2 separate conversations over the weekend. Just daily stuff but she hasn't done that in weeks.
W actually asked what I wanted to drink for dinner a few times this week. This seem silly but usually she'll get her's and the kids and never bother to ask me.
W actually thanked me for going to the store - she hasn't thanked me for much of anything in a long time.
W at least put one picture of me with family in the collage frame along with all her other pictures.
W has not taken down the few pictures of us that are in the house.
W has started making the grocery list again instead of refusing.
W has shown an interest in going to a church where she has been avoideing going for some time now.
W has never stopped wearing her wedding rings in the 18 months since the bomb.

Its still a very long road and I probably will continue some degree of detachment just to keep myself sane with the roller coaster of emotionss that I am dealing with almost daily.

At this point, the M seems to be in limbo as W works on herself and her life but I am only included as a financial necessity. But at least I can tell she is working on herself.

I continue my own path to live a life without fear and one that I can feel good about. Working to make myself a better listener (when the opportunity arises) and standing up for what I believe is the best for the family and not just doing whatever for fear of disappointing my W. All with the caviet of being compassionate and supportive.

Also taking Cat04's advice to review the MLC information to see if that's what I'm really living through at the moment. More later.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
"W at least put one picture of me with family in the collage frame along with all her other pictures."

Good to see that you now view this ^^^^ as a positive. The other day you were in a completely different place.

"Its still a very long road and I probably will continue some degree of detachment just to keep myself sane with the roller coaster of emotionss that I am dealing with almost daily.

At this point, the M seems to be in limbo as W works on herself and her life but I am only included as a financial necessity. But at least I can tell she is working on herself.

I continue my own path to live a life without fear and one that I can feel good about. Working to make myself a better listener (when the opportunity arises) and standing up for what I believe is the best for the family and not just doing whatever for fear of disappointing my W. All with the caviet of being compassionate and supportive."


Your detachment and GAL are going to be key to maintaining your sanity over the long haul. You do realize it is going to be a long haul, right?

My W dropped the bomb back in September, we've been separated since November and we seem to be in some sort of limbo. It gets tiring and I often question myself whether it is worth hanging on. But then I see my W make a declaration that her "days of being a hermit are over" and I think, hmmm maybe she is starting to figure things out some.

But, as long as we see growth in ourselves and our spouses, it helps to continue to carry on. Wouldn't you agree?


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
Good on you, for listing the positives.

Focus on that. Stay motivated. It sounds like things are turning around for you, actually. From what I know about dealing with a WAS, I'd say be ready for a disappointment and don't let it get you down, because over all you are moving in the right direction.

Maybe you should set yourself some small goals and see if you can work toward those?

It sounds like W to church is one of those for you. What else?


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
C
ces67 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
2TP - Yes, trying to view the picture from a better place. Personally, I believe it is more for appearances and the kids than anything so its pretty easy not to get my hopes up.

And yes, very aware of the long haul. Its been 18 months since the bomb and she's been sleeping in another room for at least 5 months now. I think the realization of that and the emotional exhaustion was a big reason for my venting session on my last thread.

I believe that my W and I were in love when we married. Young and stupid about a lot of things but in love. I believe that somewhere inside my W is a beautiful caring woman. I see it in how she interacts with others. That's part of the pain. She is willing to show it other places but withholds all that from me. But I still believe she is worth fighting for and the promise I made on our wedding day is still valid in my heart and is not excused based upon her current choices.

Things happen for reasons which we may never know. I've certainly learned a lot about myself during this time. Things that have helped me face the ugliness of me. (listed in the former posts but I'll be glad to share my junk if anyone needs to hear it)

My IC talked to me about "temper" a while back. He spoke of temper in terms of "even-tempered", "good-tempered", "ill-tempered" etc. But he also explained how "temper" refers to the strength of steel.

Most often when steel is weak, it is not the steel itself but rather the amount of imperfections within the steel that will make it weak and cause it to break. When this happens, the steel can be reforged. To do this, it must be placed in the fire to burn away the imperfections so that the remaining steel can become stronger.

It hit home with me in how this "fire" is drawing out my imperfections so that I can work on them. Not that I'll ever be perfect (or even close) but feel I will be stronger.

AT - you're correct. Church is one of those goals. I've grown up going to church but looking over the past few years, I can see where my believes have turned from "religious" to a "relationship" with Christ. This is the core of my values. Part of DB says to look back at the happiest times of our marriages. When I look back, my W was an active servant and leader in many ministries. She had energy, joy and purpose. Along with the DB activities (which I just started 2 months ago) I've been able to hang on and at least manage through Christ-based beliefs of what love is.

Christ hung on a cross in pain and said "forgive them, they don't know what they're doing". Well, that's a pretty straight-forward example for me. Just like DB says, don't believe 1/2 of what you see or any of what you hear (I always get that mixed up). Then my W doesn't know what she's doing right now.

Ok, I got preachy. Sorry about that. I figure if David can go from wailing & compaining from one Psalm to praising God in the next, then I can go from a venting post to a "gotta get my act together" post.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
C
ces67 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
OK, so some advice would be appreciated here...

As mentioned in previous thread, I had to cancel all of W's credit cards where she was an authorized signer on my accountsdue to excessive spending. We have already had to consolidate debt to manage the expenses and could not afford going deeper into debt. We'd talked multiple times but it did not curb her spending (trips, shopping, going out w/ friends etc.) This debt is still a major weight on our family and one that we struggle to deal with.

W did have one card in her name only that I did not touch. We didn't use it and it had a zero balance before Christmas. W needed to use it for gas on her travel to Christmas so I expected a few hundred to show up on it. Long story short, the balance on the credit card is well above what it should be. Last month there were many charges to Target and other stores along with a charge for W to get her hair done ($130 which I hear is somewhat normal for ladies?)

This month, W placed the credit card bill in the folder of bills I pay but removed the page that showed where the purchases were made. There were even more charges on the card and now it seems she expects me to just pay the bill for it.

I feel this needs to be addressed somehow. If not, I'm just being a doormat and covering her spending money however she wants and allowing more debit to impact the family.

***So any suggestions on the best way to approach this? I can't imagine the conversation will go well but it needs to happen and I want to at least minimize the damages.

W tutors some kids as well as her new job with her BFF (husband of former OM & EA). So she's got money coming in and I have not seen any of it used to help the family get out of debt. I still pay ALL bills & family expenses & entertainment.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
How about a lawyer?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 825
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 825
Since that CC is in her name, she should be expected to pay it. The conversation WILL NOT go well because in her mind: 'this is the way things have always been, so what's changed?' the simple fact that she took out the itemized purchases page shows that she is aware that she did something wrong.

It very passive aggressive for her to just slip the bill in with other bills, as I'd you wouldn't notice.

I'm not an expert, but this is what I would say: "honey (or whatever else sweet name you call her), it seems your bill got mixed in with the others by mistake, here ya go" (hand it back to her). This isn't an attack, so she can't get defensive. She might get angry and demand that you pay it: "but you always pay all the bills!"
You have put yourself in the position to now make it clear to her that SHE is responsible for her own debt, and that she can't take advantage of you like this: "that CC is in your name, and only has charges from your spending. I will continue to pay bills that are family charges, but you are responsible for your own debt." (almost like explaining it to a teenager- so be prepared for a tantrum.)

Just my 2 cents. And btw- $130 is typical for a cut and color hair appointment smile


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Even if the card is in her name, if you are in a community property state, I believe it's still a marital debt.

I wouldn't talk to her at all about it before you talk with a lawyer. It seems you were looking into that a while back.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
C
ces67 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
Originally Posted By: labug
How about a lawyer?


I looked into one. Couldn't find one less than $200 for a consultation and just don't have the extra cash.

Also, not sure I want to go that route just yet. I think a conversation needs to happen between us before I go the lawyer route. "D" has not been discussed in quite a while and I'd rather not be the one to open the door the topic. I think a lawyer would definitely do that.

Purg - W has not paid any bills and we've not been in a situation like this in a while so I'm just going to have to be kind but direct on this. I will just ask her what her expectations are in regard to the additional debt she is creating and how she is using the money she is now making from her part-time job.....Should be a fun weekend....


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
First of all consulting with a L doesn't necessarily have to involve your W. You are just looking for advice and ideas on how to protect yourself and move forward without getting a D. There is nothing wrong with that.

Here's an idea about the $$ needed. Do you have anything laying around the house that you don't need or use; old video games or gaming systems, maybe a treadmill or something like that? You can sell the items on Craigslist, collect your cash and go get the consultation.

Just something to consider.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard